Single forever?

[Lybrah]

I am in my forties and never been married, or in a long term relationship. Everyone I've wanted never wanted me, and vice versa. The hardest thing is that when I go on dates, I don't fall in love by the third date. Men are expecting to fool around at least, but I don't want that yet. I feel like I would have to get to know a man very well in order to fall in love, and I can't do that with most men because they want instant relationship. I am beginning to think that God wants me to be alone, and it is so sad watching everyone else I know get married.

 

[Emli]

Maybe you don't have to wait until you fall in love. Romantic love is only a chemical reaction in the brain. That goes away after a while. True love comes after years of marriage. When God joins two people together in marriage, it's a different kind of bond. One that lasts.

So my advice is to look for a man who completes you in Christ. One who you can see marrying and living with.

 

[Servant68]

It is better to be alone than to be in a toxic and dysfunctional relationship.

And are you dating Christian men appropriate to your age? I too, was surprised at the pressure to be intimate by women who professed to be Christian by the 2nd or 3rd date.

I lived that life when I was young and single and it was damaging and unfulfilling. I gave in to that temptation in a recent relationship and it was awful. Horrible guilt and emptiness immediately afterwards.

Yes, it is sometimes extremely difficult to be alone without the intimacy that comes from being in a relationship with someone that genuinely likes you for who you are and who you genuinely like for who they are. I was married for twenty years and have never experienced that intimacy.

Part of being ready for that deep of a relationship is accepting and loving yourself as God loves and accepts you. That's a tough one for me. My challenge is being happy with who I am and not trying to find someone to make me happy. Your value and self worth is not dependent on whether or not someone of the opposite sex loves you.

 

[blackribbon]

I am in my forties and never been married, or in a long term relationship. Everyone I've wanted never wanted me, and vice versa. The hardest thing is that when I go on dates, I don't fall in love by the third date. Men are expecting to fool around at least, but I don't want that yet. I feel like I would have to get to know a man very well in order to fall in love, and I can't do that with most men because they want instant relationship. I am beginning to think that God wants me to be alone, and it is so sad watching everyone else I know get married.

...because you haven't met the right person yet. I really don't think "settling" is the answer. If you want a roommate, get a roommate...sex with someone you don't love won't be fulfilling as a woman and that is basically the only substantial difference between having a close roommate and a spouse. Falling in love isn't something that you do...it is something that happens and you aren't in control...so staying with someone longer won't necessarily solve your problem. The men don't want you fall in love in 3 dates, they want you to have sex. That isn't the same thing. You aren't missing out on anything if they walk away at that point because they obviously aren't in love either.

There are many things worse than being single for your entire life.

 

[historyincognito]

I am in my late thirties and never been married

 

[dayhiker]

Lybrah,
Welcome to CF and mature singles.
I feel I've had a lot of good relationships. But I honestly can't tell anyone how to go out and find the right person.
I heard of a once removed from me lady who wanted a guy and see went on 100 dates one guy after another till she found the right guy. From that the best advice I can give is don't be pokey, date date date, as soon as you know he isn't the right one get another date lined up. Some women I know have planned two dates in a day so they could find the right guy. Ya, that is work, but if that's what you want do the work.

 

[blackribbon]

Lybrah,
Welcome to CF and mature singles.
I feel I've had a lot of good relationships. But I honestly can't tell anyone how to go out and find the right person.
I heard of a once removed from me lady who wanted a guy and see went on 100 dates one guy after another till she found the right guy. From that the best advice I can give is don't be pokey, date date date, as soon as you know he isn't the right one get another date lined up. Some women I know have planned two dates in a day so they could find the right guy. Ya, that is work, but if that's what you want do the work.

How on earth do you get a single date in a week .... further more TWO dates in a day? And who has time for two dates in one day?

 

[Servant68]

How on earth do you get a single date in a week .... further more TWO dates in a day? And who has time for two dates in one day?

Someone that motivated and organized and cerebral about dating would probably not be a good match for me. My former boss at work was like that; super hard-charging and motivated at work and in her private life made her come across as a cold and calculating person. Her husband is miserable. But I've known a lot of men like that as well. The world needs people like that to function properly. They just shouldn't get married...

 

[Lybrah]

How on earth do you get a single date in a week .... further more TWO dates in a day? And who has time for two dates in one day?

I used to book two dates in one day...when I was younger. I don't do that anymore. I don't want to. I feel like I don't have time and I'm tired.

 

[dayhiker]

I've not done two dates in a day, but I have done two meetup in a day and three in a weekend.

 

[blackribbon]

I'd be happy to have someone simply notice me once a week. Again, how do you get a two men to ask you out over a single weekend? (I probably could have done this in college when I was 19, but not now).

Meetups are more club activities where you can go solo, so I can see that.

 

[dayhiker]

One does on dating sites, takes the initiative to push dates and not just swap emails. If they wouldn't meet after 2 or 3 emails, then bye because they are probably married.

 

[Greg J.]

Re: Single forever?

No one who is saved will experience the effects of being single forever. In this life, our aloneness falls away as God grows our faith in Him. Upon our physical death, we will have perfect unity with God and enter into the assembly of the saints and have a psycho-emotional and spiritual condition that is better than like being married to the most awesome person in the world.

 

[blackribbon]

One does on dating sites, takes the initiative to push dates and not just swap emails. If they wouldn't meet after 2 or 3 emails, then bye because they are probably married.

and you honestly believe that this is a safe plan for women?...plus, not that many people usually in a single area....

 

[dayhiker]

First there are very few guys that are on dating sites to hurt women.
Its also well know that a woman meets in a public place and limits the info that will allow him to trace where the woman lives.
Where I live people (in the activities I'm doing) are meeting lots of other people. There is no violence that I'm hearing about.
I see people I know out over and over plus the new people that show up. If a new woman wants to know about someone, others are glad to tell them if there are any bad reports about them. But the worse I've heard is once in a great while someone walks out without paying their bill.

 

[daylejoy]

Re: Single forever?

No one who is saved will experience the effects of being single forever. In this life, our aloneness falls away as God grows our faith in Him.

Greg, if this were true and our aloneness falls away as our faith in God grows why would God have noticed it was not good for Adam to be alone? I mean in the garden Adam walked with God without our fallen nature, without existing in a sinful world with temptation and struggles all around, yet God still saw that Adam needed a helper, a partner. So God said," I will make him a helper comparable to him."(NKJV). I am saved and strive daily to grow closer to the Lord. I agree the joy, peace, and contentment God gives me makes not being married more bearable then if I did not have a relationship with Him. I honestly don't know how people deal with life without the Lord, but that doesn't mean the very nature of how God created us doesn't cry out for that partner, that helper, to walk with through life.

 

[Greg J.]

Greg, if this were true and our aloneness falls away as our faith in God grows why would God have noticed it was not good for Adam to be alone? I mean in the garden Adam walked with God without our fallen nature, without existing in a sinful world with temptation and struggles all around, yet God still saw that Adam needed a helper, a partner. So God said," I will make him a helper comparable to him."(NKJV). I am saved and strive daily to grow closer to the Lord. I agree the joy, peace, and contentment God gives me makes not being married more bearable then if I did not have a relationship with Him. I honestly don't know how people deal with life without the Lord, but that doesn't mean the very nature of how God created us doesn't cry out for that partner, that helper, to walk with through life.

Because if one is in Christ then he is no longer a child of Adam, except in regard to the flesh, but as we live in obedience and love of the Lord, our faith grows and we are sanctified, and as a result experience Christ's life in increasing measure and our old man's life in decreasing measure.

but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” (John 4:14, 1984 NIV)

 

[daylejoy]

Because if one is in Christ then he is no longer a child of Adam, except in regard to the flesh, but as we live in obedience and love of the Lord, our faith grows and we are sanctified, and as a result experience Christ's life in increasing measure and our old man's life in decreasing measure.

but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” (John 4:14, 1984 NIV)

Greg, so you believe the closeness Adam had, prior to eating the apple and being cast out of the garden, was not as close as we are when we are "in Christ"? I am not trying to be contrary but truly trying to understand your point of view. Isn't the reason Christ died on the cross because, as the old testament proved, no matter how "perfectly" we try, we can and will never live perfectly for there is a constant battle with our flesh. That battle only started after the fall, even though Adam was human before, which would mean it isn't so much human nature that causes the battle but human nature not under submission to Christ. Human nature in rebellion. Yet, again as a human living before rebellion, before sin, Adam was under complete submission to the Lord and still God saw he needed a partner, a helpmate. Galatians tells us God already planned to free us from the law before he even gave us the law, so we know God already planned on Jesus dying for our sins before the ten commandments. Isn't it possible that God, when he saw that it was not good Adam was alone and created Eve, knew the two would end up living in a fallen world and that each would need the help, encouragement, and love of the other? I understand some, such as Paul, are OK not having a partner, but to say that being lonely for that partner, that God saw Adam would need in our fallen world, just means we need to grow closer to the Lord, I disagree. For me, the closer I grow to the Lord the more I realize how much I desire for a partner to walk with through life. You may be a Paul, Greg, and that is fine but I think it is misleading to say someone who is lonely for a mate is so due to not being intimate enough with the Lord. I also think sometimes we Christians tend to hide from the possible hurt and rejection of a relationship by "being fine" single. I think one of the fallouts of living in a fallen world is that relationship are hard and can hurt, so instead of being open to receiving one of the greatest gifts God's heart has for us, we close ourselves off convincing ourselves we are content being single.

 

[Greg J.]

Greg, so you believe the closeness Adam had, prior to eating the apple and being cast out of the garden, was not as close as we are when we are "in Christ"?

Definitely.

I am not trying to be contrary but truly trying to understand your point of view. Isn't the reason Christ died on the cross because, as the old testament proved, no matter how "perfectly" we try, we can and will never live perfectly for there is a constant battle with our flesh. That battle only started after the fall, even though Adam was human before, which would mean it isn't so much human nature that causes the battle but human nature not under submission to Christ. Human nature in rebellion. Yet, again as a human living before rebellion, before sin, Adam was under complete submission to the Lord and still God saw he needed a partner, a helpmate. Galatians tells us God already planned to free us from the law before he even gave us the law, so we know God already planned on Jesus dying for our sins before the ten commandments. Isn't it possible that God, when he saw that it was not good Adam was alone and created Eve, knew the two would end up living in a fallen world and that each would need the help, encouragement, and love of the other?

Jesus didn't just die because we could never behave well enough. He died because we were tainted with sin and nothing could justly remove that sin. Being reborn in Christ means that the old us is gone, and we are a new, sinless creation. That's why Paul said to "act like we really are" (1 Corinthians 5:7)—which is not to say "we can't sin" in a generic sense, but we really can't sin in spirit if we are born again (1 John 3:9). The disconnect is that we only experience the new us according to our faith.

I understand some, such as Paul, are OK not having a partner, but to say that being lonely for that partner, that God saw Adam would need in our fallen world, just means we need to grow closer to the Lord, I disagree. For me, the closer I grow to the Lord the more I realize how much I desire for a partner to walk with through life. You may be a Paul, Greg, and that is fine but I think it is misleading to say someone who is lonely for a mate is so due to not being intimate enough with the Lord. I also think sometimes we Christians tend to hide from the possible hurt and rejection of a relationship by "being fine" single. I think one of the fallouts of living in a fallen world is that relationship are hard and can hurt, so instead of being open to receiving one of the greatest gifts God's heart has for us, we close ourselves off convincing ourselves we are content being single.

Please remember my original statement. I didn't say anything about intimacy with the Lord. I was referring to the faith God grants as we live in unity with Jesus. I was referring to someone who is mostly "grown up" in Christ as in this verse:

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. (Ephesians 4:15, 1984 NIV)

Also note, that being married is a different kind of experience of God, where if/when both partners are in unity with Christ, they experience in the flesh the love that is in the connection between the Father and the Son. Personally it seems better to me, but the fact is that becoming more like Jesus is also heading toward being perfected/complete.

 

[daylejoy]

Jesus didn't just die because we could never behave well enough. He died because we were tainted with sin and nothing could justly remove that sin. Being reborn in Christ means that the old us is gone, and we are a new, sinless creation. That's why Paul said to "act like we really are" (1 Corinthians 5:7)—which is not to say "we can't sin" in a generic sense, but we really can't sin in spirit if we are born again (1 John 3:9). The disconnect is that we only experience the new us according to our faith.

Greg, I am interested in what you have written here. I don't think I am totally grasping what you are saying, which may be in part that, as any time communication is limited to only words, what I "hear" has more to do with who I am and what I believe than who you are and what you believe.

I believe the moment I gave my life to Jesus I was transformed into a new creation, yet I am still being conformed daily into being more and more like Jesus. I believe at the fall things were turned upside down and my spirit became submissive to my human nature, whereas before the fall it was the other way. When I accepted Jesus things were turn around again and my spirit, in oneness with the Holy Spirit dwelling in me, was once again place over my human nature. I believe when the bible talks about working out our salvation it is referring to our human nature dying and becoming submissive to our spirit, which is guided by the Holy Spirit. So yes I believe I became a new creation and the old me has gone away, but at the same time I also believe that I am continually being transformed by the dying of my old nature.

But before I go on, which I easily could do, I want to guard against derailing this thread. I am guessing our discussion would be better suited to another thread.

Thank you for engaging me in discussion. It has been enjoyable and thought provoking.

joy