Need help with a lazy, raging, unwise mother who interferes with my family. Verses helpful!

[NothingIsImpossible]

I'd post this in the married section normally but I wanted even more people to see it so I can get even more feedback.

If you want the full story you can probably find it in my previous posts (unless you remember it of course). Short version is I am married (almost 4 years) to a woman who I met overseas. We live with my parents. I get SSI and food stamps and can't work, though I do look for online jobs. My wife works part time and is looking for full time work.

My dad isn't to bad of a dad. But he tends to bend to the will of my mother because she has issues and he would rather she be calm then tell her to in short...grow up.

My mother has rage issues, part of being sexually, mentally, physically abused as a child by her dad. She can lie and exaggerate alot. She pretends shes christian but just "plays" the part to others. But when at home she swears alot, takes Gods name in vain, pounds things and so on. She also is terrible with money and lazy to work, just makes excuses. Shes also drinks a bottle fo wine at night almost every day.

But since my dads company he worked for went under months ago finances have been tight. Hes on unemployment. But it runs out the end of this month. He is trying to find a job until his SSI (lawyer is filing it due to disability form work) kicks in. My mom on the other hand doesn't seem to see she needs to work, especially after the end of this month. She says shes busy with paperwork, paying bills and what not. And while its true, it doesn't take up to much time. Shes involved in three groups she helps with, all of which are volunteer groups. Which takes up her time, if she quit them she could get a real job.

Well she gets my whole SSI check. It goes towards rent, utilities...etc. My food stamp card is obviously used to buy food. I'll say between those two its its just under $1000, not counting the stuff we buy for them often. We usually don't give them money from my wifes part time money because my wife doesn't like that my mom wastes money (buying wine, gift cards, gifts....junk) then guilts us into giving her more money because she can't pay bills. Though sometimes we do give her money just to be kind. And gas money is something we are trying to pay them.

So things have been pretty good for months now between my mom and my wife. At first they didn't get along well at all. Pretty badly to the point of my wife one left and stayed at a hotel for a day or two, I went with her). So because the unemployment runs out my mom has been leaving me notes in the morning that she wants ALOT of money from my wife now, around an additional $1000 a month. Mind you my wife makes between $720 to $920 depending on how much work she gets.

And as stated my wife doesn't want to give her anything (she doesn't know about my moms notes yet). My mom just within the last week bought christmas gifts for family, 12 bottles of wine and some other non-essential things. And with my mom shes a ticking time bomb. And I know she will go off before Christmas. And my wife has already said if my mom does that, she will move out and live with one of her friends until things are better here. Which means obviously I'd probably move with her.

All this could be avoided if my mom simply got a job. This way my parents could have money and not need us to literally give every cent we have. I'm fine with helping my parents and so is my wife. But the fact my mom refuses to work and thinks we need to make up the diffrence is crazy. We don't really have a savings ourselves because of all this. My wife is visting home in April so she needs some cash on her (the trip is paid by her sister, or else I wouldn't allow it this soon). And shes saving for some other things. Like learning how to drive. Insurance and what not. And of course att some point a baby (but for now thats not an option, having a baby).

My feeling is when you mispend Gods money (no they don't tithe mind you) then your missing out on blessings and maybe its why their financial situation is worse right now. Not that my mom sees it that way. Also my mom only needs two more years of work so she qualifes for some money when she is of retirement age in a few years. Which as you can see will be an issue later on because if they only get my dads check at that point because she didn't work, then she will be looking at us for money. Mind you in March they start getting a check again. If we could hold out until then things would be great, but I don't think that will happen. My mom hates putting money on her "emergency card" which is now at $8,000 because they dont' have enough for bills now.

So I'm looking for feedback and preferably bible verses I could use on my mother to see that her lazyness, misspending, rage...etc are her own issues. And that we as her children are not responsible for her debt. More so when she doesn't want to work. If you could to maybe some verses about how my dad should be stepping up to my mom and not just be a "Yes dear" husband who is kind of wimpy because he fears her geting mad. Its the first time I am truly diappointed with him excusing her behavior.

And yes, I know, move out is the main answer I will get. We know that. Its not easy finding a place because I have no credit score yet and my wife doesn't have one either yet. Most of our friends have small homes so we are trying to find a friend we could move to. Also Section 8 isn't taking anyone right now. And in case anyone is wondering my wife and I do not believe in divorce for any reason, we have a great marriage. Which is wy moving is the next option.

 

[singpraise]

Honor thy mother and father... See Commandment # 5.

Sorry, I'm on your parents' side in this one! Good luck to you, though, I hope things start looking up for you soon.

 

[mina]

Unfortunately, you live in your parents home. You can pray for her and tell her directly without anger what she needs to do, but as an adult in her own home, you cant make her do any thing that she doesn't want to do. You can not even make your father do anything he doesn't want to do. Maybe discuss how much they want you to pay and make them sign a paper; kind of like a lease or rental agreement , so they can not legally throw you out or raise it unfairly.

She is not behaving as she should, but if she is suffering mental illness or trauma from abuse quoting scripture to convict her won't always fix the situation. You are in your parent's home; it would be a completely different matter if she were acting this way in your home. Unfortunately when we are dependent on someone, we don't always get a say in their behavior. If she is physically harming you or your wife , call the police. but if not, unfortunately again, older people are harder to change and you are not a minor or in their care for anything else. You can leave if you feel that it's too much to live with; only you know what you will put up with. You may have to live extremely simply, but sometimes peace is worth that. I also think you are a bit out of line. If your mother works or not and their money problems are between her and your father in their own marriage; it's none of your business to tell her to work or not. If she is asking you for money, say no and don't give it to her beyond whatever rent you pay.

 

[DawnStar]

Question. Do you only desire us to give you advice that you want to hear like some others on this forum?

 

[Chesterton]

Proverbs 21:9 Better to live on the edge of a roof than with a contentious woman in a large house.

 

[BeStill&Know]

Even considering you mom's behavior you are to obey your father and mothers rules if you are living in their home. The children while living with their parents in the Bible are also to contribute to the household in all ways possible. I don't recall a but or if in scripture, unless they are telling you to dis-obey the supreme Word of the Lord.
Consider doing ALL possible to release your self from your parents aid as well as the government. Pray earnestly about this since there may come a day soon in which there is neither.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Question. Do you only desire us to give you advice that you want to hear like some others on this forum?

Well depends on the answer. Like I said I am looking for verses mostly or things to say. I know I can't force anyone to change of course. But if you knew the situation you may understand why I am saying what I am. I'd need like 20 pages to explain everything in detail.

I know last time I had an issues I was told to move out. But its easier said then done. And possibly easier depending on where you live. Here in order to rent anywhere you need a credit score, lots of money up front (which we don't have)...etc. And most of the places are over a $1000. Homeless shelters are one possibility but an hour from here.

But if people want to post honest answers that may hurt me, I mean thats fine even though its not what I am looking for, well stress I should say. While my wife doesn't believe in divorce, being stuck here for now means she could always snap and say she wants to go back to her country and divorce. Everyone has their limits. Still I trust in God she would stick with me for the long run until we can get out of this house.


---edit---
I should add I would like my dad to understand if they were renting the room to some random couple, you couldn't go to them when you have financial issues and be like "We want an extra $1000 a month!". The owner of the place is responsible for their own financial situation. Right now my dad doesn't want to tell her anything because she will get mad and I think he fears she would leave him if he stood up for himself.

I'm just frustrated because I feel like until we move, I chance my life leaving me and my mom doesn't seem to notice she would leave because of my mom in the first place.

 

[Goodbook]

Genesis 2:24

Find yourself a tiny home or even a caravan. A gas stove even your wife should not be in the same kitchen as your mother.

There is a tiny homes movement in america I hear. Tiny House Building Company, LLC

 

[BeStill&Know]

Well depends on the answer. Like I said I am looking for verses mostly or things to say. I know I can't force anyone to change of course. But if you knew the situation you may understand why I am saying what I am. I'd need like 20 pages to explain everything in detail.

I know last time I had an issues I was told to move out. But its easier said then done. And possibly easier depending on where you live. Here in order to rent anywhere you need a credit score, lots of money up front (which we don't have)...etc. And most of the places are over a $1000. Homeless shelters are one possibility but an hour from here.

But if people want to post honest answers that may hurt me, I mean thats fine even though its not what I am looking for, well stress I should say. While my wife doesn't believe in divorce, being stuck here for now means she could always snap and say she wants to go back to her country and divorce. Everyone has their limits. Still I trust in God she would stick with me for the long run until we can get out of this house.

Friend, I feel you are wasting your energy focused on your mother and transfer it instead
to asking the Lord for His Strength and wisdom. Due to no fault of my own I have been very close to homelessness a couple of times but the Lord always came through, and it did not involve financial help from others, even though the Lord uses that at times.
He wants you to depend on Him.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

So true. Its one thing I've learned to do. I pray, pray and pray about this issue. I trust the outcome and whatever will happen. I just posted all this originally after seeing that note from my mother.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

You all have been there like four years too long!

The issues in the home are for your parents to work out.
Since dad ain't stepping up... you and your wife need to move out, no more dragging your feet for another four years.

I found places to rent, an my credit was ruined when I was young and stupid.
You have to look far and wide, but there be studio apartments, basement suites, mobile homes, shared houses etc.
My credit stayed "ugly" for over a decade, as a single person back then, I rented small places usually mobile homes.
There be some already set up on a lot that a person can rent...an there also be "no credit needed" places...you do have to be diligent in your search.

It also helps to make your need known to other christians, somebody may be able to help you or at least point you to someone who can...seriously, this should of been done a long time ago before you got married... Since you know your parents and the home life situation you'd be bringing your bride into.

Young marrieds need they own little hut to call home.
A wife wants to be comfortable and at peace in a home with her husband.
If you have medical issues/an require assistance, there be care aides available when your wife be at work...I know because I use to do caregiving for all types, including young married people, who either the wife or husband who be disabled and needed helps.

At my church...Whenever a missionary family come in on leave, usually for three to six months...we spread the word about the missionary family needing a place and a vehicle...sure enough both needs get met! Amen!
The Lord works it out each time.
Last year the church found a home and a van for a missionary family with four children who were in on leave for six months.
I do encourage you to get the word out that you and your wife needs a place to rent, an that you be first timers(renters).

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

It also helps to make your need known to other christians, somebody may be able to help you or at least point you to someone who can

That is the biggest thing really. I never really tried asking other people until recently about renting from them, like a room.

.seriously, this should of been done a long time ago before you got married... Since you know your parents and the home life situation you'd be bringing your bride into.

Well technically we all know life doesn't go as planned. This was never suppose to be an issue. My wife knew my situation and that it would take us awhile to save/move (if we needed to). She was ok with it, but obviously thats before she came and didn't realize what an adjustment living in america is, let alone having a mother who at first she didn't get along wtih.

But we (all four of us) had family counseling and things were going great in the house for nearly a year now. We were happy living here until we got on our feet. My wife was fine. Life was grand, well aside from us finding jobs. But like I said job loss is not something that anyone expects, especially since my dad worked there for 40+ years.

So if not for that we would be staying here maybe forever since they did buy the house so that when they pass on, we get it free. But obviously with no job for my dad, we will have to leave even if its somewhere super tiny. My mom will just have to get over it. And whatever befalls them is not my issue. If they lose the house, not my problem. It is between them to figure out finances.

Thankfully today my wife and I out were at a friends and the husband and I talked. They may be willing to have us stay there, not forever of course. But until my parents decide to handle their own money issues. And can prove they won't need our money, aside from rent/utilities of course. I pray when we are gone God brings wisdom to my parents.

 

[marineimaging]

You would be surprised at what you can do when you stow your pride and open your heart to God and seek his will and not that of your mother. You can still respect her and the first scripture to remember is that you got married and now it is time to move out and on your own. My wife and I are in our 60's. My wife was a consultant making 6 figures and I was an engineer making almost as much. In the time of a heart attack and other illness she is retired on SS Disability and I am working at 1/4 my previous ability in a sales position. We sold everything or gave it to our kids and moved into a 26ft travel trailer. Our absolute costs are less than 800/mo. I am still Thanking God as we have a roof, food, and love of our church. Others I know look down on folks living like we do. Well, we do it by choice because it is within our means. You can too.

 

[mina]

I don't think anyone is trying to hurt you with answers they give. There just aren't a lot of options to give you as advice. If you are fearing your wife will leave (and I hope that she doesn't; but it sounds like an extremely stressful situation that you brought her into; anyone would be rattled in that environment), I would suggest counseling- just the two of you. You need to know what your wife is feeling and fearing. You both need to be a team and come up with a plan so that the "ifs" happen (if you leave your parents home, if they throw you out, if they lose the house, etc....) you have a plan and are on the same page. That can be extremely helpful to get everything out with a nonbiased 3rd party who is wise and just connect/be on the same page in a less stressful environment for an hour or two, or even have help to come up with a detailed plan to get out, so that things swept under the rug don't become a huge mountain that will make your marriage trip over. You can't always change your family members, but you can change how you respond to their negative ways- in ways that are less stressful and more positive for you and your wife.

 

[turkle]

So I'm looking for feedback and preferably bible verses I could use on my mother to see that her lazyness, misspending, rage...etc are her own issues. And that we as her children are not responsible for her debt. More so when she doesn't want to work. If you could to maybe some verses about how my dad should be stepping up to my mom and not just be a "Yes dear" husband who is kind of wimpy because he fears her geting mad. Its the first time I am truly diappointed with him excusing her behavior.

You are asking for Bible verses for the purpose of using them as a weapon against your parents. That is unwise. The Word of God is to be edifying, and while we are to approach other believers with gentle correction, it is clear from your past posts that you have tried this and failed many times. Tossing verses in your parents' faces to show them their failures will never result in a positive outcome.

The unhealthy family dynamic of fear appears to be the ruling factor here. Your father is worried that your mother will leave, and exhibits codependent behavior to avoid setting off her anger. You are worried that your wife will leave, so you are trying to find ammunition to combat your parents.

As others have said, you have had four years to figure out an option for your wife and yourself, but you have not. What would happen if they lost the house and you had no where to go? Would you figure it out then? I think so.

In the end, it is their house and you are living there at their largess. They did not have to take on your marriage. In addition, though you say that things have been going well, I remember several posts similar to this one where you are complaining about your parents and trying to find ways to change them.

Do the same things you've always done, and you will get the same things you've always gotten. Despite the fact that you are dissatisfied with your parents' choices, I suspect that you have been comfortable and have not taken the necessary steps to change your circumstances. 4 years is a long time to stay stuck.

My advice to you is to stop trying to change your parents and look to yourself. Take responsibility for your situation and take steps to change them. The Bible says in Genesis 2:24 that a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife. You have not done that, and you are living with the consequences. I recommend that you do not take another 4 years to step up and take charge of your own life as a man, not a child. It is up to you, not your parents.

 

[BeutifultoGod]

From the looks of it seems you might need help yourself too. You have to understand your mom is the way she is because of what happened to her. You have to pray for her instead of being mad, angry and bitter. I wish you the best and you will come out of it. But whatever she is doing to you or making you feel you have to forgive your mother. Sometimes when we are frustrated or mad the Devil will make us feel a certain way. A lot of things will irritate us. Pray God will work on her heart but most importantly your and your families.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I don't think anyone is trying to hurt you with answers they give. There just aren't a lot of options to give you as advice.

True. At the time of the posting I was frustrated and I knew the only answer and no real other advice I could get but what I already know.

You are asking for Bible verses for the purpose of using them as a weapon against your parents. That is unwise.

This is true too. Its why I never really bring up the bible to them because I am then just doing what my mother would do and using it as a weapon.

As others have said, you have had four years to figure out an option for your wife and yourself, but you have not.

Well again others don't live in this situation. Not that they aren't right of course. When I was single I couldn't afford to move out and didn't really need to. Doctors said I still had live with someone in case of emergencies.

And granted the first year or two my wife was here, we could have moved. But aside from the reason I mentioned before why I couldn't, one of which is I can't leave my county because of the help I get, I knew it was just a period of adjustment for everyone in the house. Which I was right about. Thats why when things went better, life was great. Didn't think there would be any issues for the most part. Wasn't expecting my dads lost job to happen.

But as I've said we have plans now. So everything is set. I can't change my mom. She made her bed and now has to sleep in it. I have a wife and future ahead to get to. And at some point a baby.

 

[JCFantasy23]

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