I just want to say, I'm appreciating your questions because I like to see the answers you receive. This was really the turning point for me to embrace Orthodoxy, since only the Orthodox Church has this view of God (that He loves us and wants us saved, and it is only our deliberate rejection of Him, and NOT His desire to "pay us back" for our sins, that determines our course and is the basis for our path to salvation). I can relate - it is VERY difficult to get over that mindset concerning God, but once I did, the Gospel suddenly fell into place and God's very nature made sense. There is no way I could, in complete honesty, reconcile the view I'd been taught of God's wrathful need to punish us with Christ as He revealed Himself to us. It IS difficult to fully understand (will we EVER "fully understand" God?

), but having the understanding of the Orthodox Church makes it all make sense.
I don't know if this could help you, but I credit the "lightbulb moment" for myself to listening to many hours of AFR - almost all Fr. Evan Armitas in Orthodoxy Live - back then. I played several episodes every day while I did my (mindless) chores, and Fr. Evan explains things on such a basic level that, taken all together, it finally sank in. I listened to Fr. Andrew Stephen Damick back then too, on differences between Orthodoxy and various denominations and how their theology evolved. Iirc, Fr. Patrick Reardon has some good info on this particular topic that also helped. All of this I got from AFR (Ancient Faith Radio) online.
But I can relate to your difficulties, and I still like to read conversations on this. So as I said, I really appreciate your questions.