OK ladies; what's with the epidemic of choosing "bad boys"?

[redblue22]

People who stay in abusive relationships often think that all relationships are abusive. Leaving means finding someone else and learning to deal with the new person's abuse. Better the devil one knows than the devil one does not know.

 

[redblue22]

I'm not going to not care about someone that puts themselves in that position, no. Just as I wouldn't refuse someone that had a child they couldn't afford welfare. Doesn't mean we have to like it, though.

God loves a cheerful giver.

 

[blackribbon]

Abusers can be quite charming and very convincing when they promise that they will change and that they love the women. Also, women who do leave are really at risk of having more severe violence perpetrated on them....the point that they leave is really the most dangerous part of the abusive cycle...and it is recognized as that. Often they are also worried that the abuser will harm people close to them in retaliation. It isn't as simple as "just leave"....

My son has a friend whom I have given permission to use our house as a "safe house" after his dad beat him up bad enough that his mother finally called the police...and then the guy sweet talked the police so that they left the man in the house with the boy, his mother, and his twin baby sisters. My son says the dad has a jeckle/hyde personality. The crime that left this teenage boy with visible bruises all over his body was that he didn't do the dishes when his dad told him to do them. Abusers know how to manipulate the system. This kid knows where we keep the spare key and has permission to just come to our house 24 hours a day if he doesn't feel safe at home. I am so disgusted because I thought the police showing up would have done something positive. Instead, the mother (who probably defended her husband after calling the police) slept with her son to protect him that night. This is his birth father and not a step parent or anything. Abusers are master manipulators.

However, not everyone woman who stays with a "bad boy" is being abused. And not every guy who looks like a "bad boy" is necessary a bad boy. Be careful how quickly you judge a situation from the afar. Maybe the woman just moved in and he never intended to have a relationship with the woman...you can't cheat without a promise of some sort intention of commitment. Maybe she is just living there rent free...with or without an invite.

 

[Goodbook]

Well some people refuse to grow up. They reach their 40s and yearn to be 18 again.

I know someone who cheated-commited adultery on her hubby, they were both churchgoers...with her husbands 'best friend' or 'best man' that he had known from hS. The couple had four children. Crazy.

 

[miss-a]

Someone who keeps repeating is like one who keeps hitting potholes with her car. But I think if we are not careful, this talk of potholes can lead to us driving off a cliff.

Not directed just a you redblue, but to everyone who does not understand the abuse cycle and why women return to bad men:

Actually, someone who keeps repeating is like some who is so desperate for love they'll do anything to get it, so desperate to feel alive they'll seek that feeling anywhere, including looking for love in all the wrong places. They are hurting, broken, and in need of a Savior. Theu are like any other human in need of a Savior. Their thing is looking for love in all the wrong places. My thing was looking for love in all the wrong religions, jobs, and corporate ladders. What was yours? How many times did Jesus tell you to get out of a bad relationship with whatever was leading you around by the nose, and you did hear him? You knew the thing wasn't working, but you kept doing it because you didn't know what else to do, but you were driven to do something. You heard a call and you didn't know it was Jesus, so you went to the person, place, substance you thought was calling. It didn't satisfy but there was still a need in you, and there was still a call, so you answered the best you could. And you did it again and again and again, until you got it right.

Many of these women came up in abuse, abuse from people who were supposed to love them. That tangles things in the heart and mind. And far be it for me to think I'm any better than a women who was/is living what we'd call an immoral lifestyle, or stuck in the cycle of abuse, alcholism, drugs, or video game addictions, for that matter.

You want to know why she does it. That's why. Because she hurts, and she feels dead inside, and no one ever told her how to feel alive, so she reaching in the only places she knows to reach. And she'll keep doing it until one day she looks and sees Jesus crouched over writing something in the sand. And if she can look past the crowds of people condemning her and just focus on His promise, "Neither do I condemn you," she we won't have to do it anymore.

 

[redblue22]

@miss-a

Thank you for sharing that with me.

 

[Goodbook]

Yes, we are lost without our saviour. Thats why most of the people I end up counselling I point them toward Jesus. They will latch on to anyone. Its hard for some people to have faith in someone they can't see with their own eyes. But we must. It's the only way.

even people who grow up in church struggle to understand this. Latching on to someone is the path of least resistance.

 

[Sketcher]

You don't need to abuse women to be a misogynist

A misogynist means I am a woman-hater. I'm not a woman-hater. There are the women who find themselves in those relationships and situations, and then there are the women who have good heads on their shoulders who avoid them. I have more respect for the latter than for the former admittedly, but that doesn't make me a misogynist. Nor does calling a spade a spade do so.

 

[redblue22]

We act as Christ's body to one another.

 

[quietpraiyze]

Yes, I know that I am asking an unanswerable question and will likely paint with an unfairly broad brush that will offend some here; but I will do my best to simply vent my frustrations and not impugn the character or sensibilities of the ladies here.

I know a woman with whom I went to high school with. She has/had a successful career in the medical field. Her husband of 22 years was also successful in the same field. They had a beautiful home, two older children that were normal, nice stuff, etc, etc. Living the American Dream.

Then her husband starts getting a mid-life crisis. Starts drinking heavily and ends up cheating on her with a co-worker and decides to leave her. She immediately files for divorce, throws him out of the house and gets a good lawyer. Then she calls me and asks for advice since I had also gone through a divorce in which my spouse cheated on me.

We texted and talked nearly constantly for weeks. We met for coffee and I told her that one of her first instincts would be to go out and party and try to find comfort in either a bottle or a bed and that both things would be harmful to her mentally, physically, and spiritually. I encouraged her to start going to church again and invited her to mine. She declined.

I started noticing on her FB account that she was going out with the girls from work and partying. Then she started getting a lot of new FB friends that were male. Our texts and calls dwindled and stopped. I saw the path she was taking and removed myself from the impending train wreck. This was over a year ago.

I was speaking to a mutual friend the other day and she told me that our friend had indeed hooked up with a guy that was not particularly good-looking or in good shape, but was "rough". Lots of tattoos, worked as a logger, drove a big lifted pickup, heavy drinker, lived in a trailer, had a couple of kids with different women, etc.

I also found out that my friend had isolated herself from her family after they wouldn't give her money(they wanted to go over her bills with her and help get everything caught up and she refused), got fired from her job, traded in her Honda Accord for a Hummer, and had gotten a couple of new tattoos...

I've seen this same pattern happen multiple times to female friends of mine; they are inexplicably attracted to men that are bad for them. It's maddening to see them go for guys that end up just using them for physical pleasure and sometimes a punching bag and leaving them with a couple of kids, an STD, and basically used up.

Okay, rant off...

Any ladies want to explain why so many of you choose this??

Not all “bad boys” are equal. Some might interact with the outside world a certain way but are fiercely loyal and protective of the people they love. Sometimes it's a tough persona because in the world men aren't allowed weakness. Some can be insecure, some can be sociopaths and everything in between. I'm just saying...I think the term “bad boy” is a very mixed bag.

I think there are a variety of reasons why some women like bad boys. Sometimes it can be about making your own choices because it's yours to make and not caring about what other people think. With some there are no surprises, what you see is what you get. He can be like her father was. She can be wounded/damaged. Many times people know when someone isn't good for them but the relationship can be an addiction or sometimes they really do love the person. Some bad boys give off an air of strength and confidence. Many women like that in a man. It's how he makes her feel and the attention he gives her. For some, bad attention is still attention. Some bad boys are modern day cavemen and some women like that. He's a man's man. The list goes on and on, so there are all kinds of reasons but all bad boys aren't the same...

 

[TheGirlOnFire]

A misogynist means I am a woman-hater. I'm not a woman-hater. There are the women who find themselves in those relationships and situations, and then there are the women who have good heads on their shoulders who avoid them. I have more respect for the latter than for the former admittedly, but that doesn't make me a misogynist. Nor does calling a spade a spade do so.

You clearly don't know the meaning of misogynist, it doesn't only mean to "hate" women

And what you have just stated yet again clearly shows you are one. Pity the fool of a man who judges one women because then she judges them all because aye that's right there are "bad women" and "good women" what planet do you live on

 

[Sketcher]

You clearly don't know the meaning of misogynist, it doesn't only mean to "hate" women

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/misogynist

And what you have just stated yet again clearly shows you are one. Pity the fool of a man who judges one women because then she judges them all because aye that's right there are "bad women" and "good women" what planet do you live on

I live on a planet where there are women like my mother and aunt, and like the devout young women at my church, who avoid those kinds of life decisions. There are also other women who do make those kinds of life decisions. Some of them will own their responsibility in it, others will refuse to and blame everyone except themselves, even though they're the one constant in every bad relationship and decision they make. I also happen to live on a planet where there are men who similarly date women who are bad for them (the friend of mine who asked a girl to marry him AFTER she stole his truck and slandered him, then said she's a lot better than the women he used to date being one example). I judge the men and the women the same way, regardless of who sits in which seat. To put it another way: If your house gets robbed and trashed, it's the robber's fault. If this continues to happen because you refuse to lock your door, it's still the robber's fault primarily, but there's also legitimate blame that goes to you for not taking common sense steps to break the cycle. I may lend a hand to you to get the place fixed up the first time. Second time, likely not. Third time, definitely not. I am not a resource to be used like that. I WILL tell you to address the issues with the lock, but I can't make you help yourself, so I won't invest myself in trying to do so. These people are not only the victims of others, they're the victims of themselves.

I also don't have respect for the adage that women want the relationship with the good guys, but the sex with the bad guys. First, that claims that all women think like that, I don't accept that. Second, it claims that women are hard-wired into this beyond their control (yet many don't want to apply this same standard to men) - I don't accept this, it is dodging responsibility. Men don't get that as an excuse, women don't either. Third, it claims that women have to be mentally and/or morally deficient enough to want the bad guys, but simply use the good guys and not want them. I don't accept that either, especially for Christian women - by definition, they are better than that. I do not have such low standards for women in any sense, not just dating, to expect that they cannot and will not be better than this stupid urban myth that is circling around. Therefore, I don't have patience for women who fit the stereotype, or men who complain about how these women don't want to date them. People in both of these categories can and need to know better, and do better.

 

[TheGirlOnFire]

Wow your hated is deep...


He who cast the first stone.

 

[Deidre32]

The simple truth is this, whether anyone wishes to admit this or not. But, when women choose 'bad guys' it's because they don't see their own self worth. When you lack self respect, you will date people who don't respect you. I know this from experience. I dated quite a few good looking, player types who treated me poorly. Why? Because then, I didn't think highly enough of myself. Once I worked on myself, everything changed. This goes for men too. Men also date 'bad girls' because they too don't think better of themselves. You have to respect yourself before anyone else will. And if you do respect yourself, you simply won't fall for people who treat you poorly.

 

[CCHIPSS]

She thinks she did everything "right" the first time and life screwed her. This is a form of rebellion in which she is now going to do everything wrong and "have fun" to "show him"...or something like that. It won't make her happy but she is going to try everything she didn't do the first time in search of the happiness that alluded her by following "the rules". In the end, she is going to get hurt again most likely. It isn't about finding a bad boy so much as deciding that "good boys" lie and are just an illusion and with the obvious "bad boy", she at least isn't fooled into expecting something better. It is a knee-jerk reaction to feeling like you were made a fool of when you consider yourself to be an intelligent person. I think guys do the same but rather than going after "the bad girls", they go after the "little girls" in an attempt to regain their youth and to be idolized and not be "controlled" by an equal age woman who considers herself an equal partner.

It may also be that the "bad boys" actually ask women out...and the "good guys" tend to take forever to open their mouths or show any evidence of interest...and a cheated on woman (or man) desperately needs someone who is obvious about their attraction ... even if it isn't real love. (Actually, lonely people tend to fall for the wrong people for the same reason). A "bad boy" has no problem coming up to a woman and flat out telling her he thinks she is attractive and because he is a "bad boy" and will then hit on her girlfriend if rejected by the first woman...he doesn't feel rejected because he isn't usually picky.

Blackribbon you hit the nail on the head. I too feel that she was too hurt from that relationship. She felt she did everything right but her husband still cheated on her. It was all his fault but it still hurt her too much. Now she will be a rebel and do everything wrong.

It is like a person was a straight A student. He felt he is doing everything right and nothing can go wrong. Suddenly in one science test he failed. He felt so angry and disappointed that he stopped studying for anything. So he ends up failing all his courses, making bad friends, taking up drugs, etc.

And this is the fate of anyone who feels they can control the future. And they let that future become a god to them.

It was so much better to let go and let God take control. This is true freedom. God is God over failed exams. God is God over divorces. God is God over sickness and death. Because God is God over the death of Jesus and his resurrection. This is the God that we should place our hopes in. =)

 

[Goodbook]

I had a classmate in school, so my age, in her thirties who 'did everything right' and got married, had children but he cheated on her, then she got married again and the second guy as well. So now she's twice divorced and bringing up her children solo..and she's studying Law and wants to be a divorce lawyer.

I don't know her too well so not sure if she has faith she might have been brought up in church but a lot of christian women seem to marry unbelievers because they want children, like NOW. Or, in some cases, pressure from parents or they just want to leave home. That is not a good reason to yoke yourself with an unbelieving husband.

 

[Goodbook]

There is much truth in the saying 'marry in haste, repent at leisure'.

 

[CCHIPSS]

I don't like bad boys anymore, but before I was saved I dated them. Here's my take. Bad boys, not all but many, go for the girl. Ask her out, compliment, and do all manner of chivalrous things to get the girl. When they get her they treat her like poo, but they often will make her feel special until then. And because at theat time I was very emotionally unhealthy, I then was too enmeshed to get out immediately. I'd stick around waiting for the guy who'd hooked me to come back. These day's I disappear just as soon as the good behavior disappears.

The other thing about bad boys is because they are womanizers they know they need to be attractive to women. They usually work out and keep themselves looking great. And they are usually fun, adventursome, and exciting. They make us feel like life can be fun and exciting.

Now here's the thing with many nice guys. They don't ask us out. They look at us from across the room. We think they might like us, but we're not sure because they don't ask us out. They aren't womanizers so they may or may not put their best foot forward when it comes to trying to be attractive for us. There is a weird unspoken belief that a guy doesn't have to look his best and a woman should kill herself trying to exceed her best. That stinks and I don't think nice guys do it on purpose, but it can be there. And the excitement factor, nice doesn't have to mean sedate. A nice guy can kayak and hike and go on mission trips and offer an exciting life. But if he never asks me out, I'll never know that. Does the nice guy assume I'll say no, because I've learned I have to strive to exceed looking my best? Does the nice guy accept he'll always be out of shape, rather than working out with some youtube videos and putting his best foot forword? Or is he everything about the bad boy that I used to like, except bad, but fears I'll think he's a womanizer if he shows me attention? Dunno. Starting to not care. I think we have so overcomplicated everything that having a relationship may not be the way to go, afterall.

Yes this is one of the biggest problem I noticed with the Christian men. I myself also suffers from this problem.

The evil men who obeys Satan and hide their secrets in darkness have more courage than good men who tries to follow God and having confessed their sins have nothing to hide.

The evil men have no fear of rejection for lying. So why are the good men fear rejection for telling the truth about himself? Why do they have no faith in the truth? Should the good men also lie? Is God wrong to tell the good men to tell the truth? If the lady wants lies instead of the truth, why even associate himself with her?

Satan would like nothing more than Christian men being reduced to wimps. Because a brave Christian man, even willing to die on the cross for his wife, church and faith is dangerous.

How should the church build up a generation of Christian male warriors? And how should the ladies help the Christian males become warriors? This is a question I am pondering.

 

[CCHIPSS]

People who stay in abusive relationships often think that all relationships are abusive. Leaving means finding someone else and learning to deal with the new person's abuse. Better the devil one knows than the devil one does not know.

I heard a lot of these women had an abusive father. So they tend to shy away from good boys (good boys make them uncomfortable, too good to be true) and go for the bad boys.

 

[Goodbook]

Well it's not up to the ladies to teach the men I think the elders, the men ought to teach the boys. A lady cannot teach a man HOW to be a warrior. Because she is not one herself.
He cannot follow her example, a boy learns best following someone's example, another man.

That's why organisations like Big Brothers exist.