OK ladies; what's with the epidemic of choosing "bad boys"?

[Servant68]

Yes, I know that I am asking an unanswerable question and will likely paint with an unfairly broad brush that will offend some here; but I will do my best to simply vent my frustrations and not impugn the character or sensibilities of the ladies here.

I know a woman with whom I went to high school with. She has/had a successful career in the medical field. Her husband of 22 years was also successful in the same field. They had a beautiful home, two older children that were normal, nice stuff, etc, etc. Living the American Dream.

Then her husband starts getting a mid-life crisis. Starts drinking heavily and ends up cheating on her with a co-worker and decides to leave her. She immediately files for divorce, throws him out of the house and gets a good lawyer. Then she calls me and asks for advice since I had also gone through a divorce in which my spouse cheated on me.

We texted and talked nearly constantly for weeks. We met for coffee and I told her that one of her first instincts would be to go out and party and try to find comfort in either a bottle or a bed and that both things would be harmful to her mentally, physically, and spiritually. I encouraged her to start going to church again and invited her to mine. She declined.

I started noticing on her FB account that she was going out with the girls from work and partying. Then she started getting a lot of new FB friends that were male. Our texts and calls dwindled and stopped. I saw the path she was taking and removed myself from the impending train wreck. This was over a year ago.

I was speaking to a mutual friend the other day and she told me that our friend had indeed hooked up with a guy that was not particularly good-looking or in good shape, but was "rough". Lots of tattoos, worked as a logger, drove a big lifted pickup, heavy drinker, lived in a trailer, had a couple of kids with different women, etc.

I also found out that my friend had isolated herself from her family after they wouldn't give her money(they wanted to go over her bills with her and help get everything caught up and she refused), got fired from her job, traded in her Honda Accord for a Hummer, and had gotten a couple of new tattoos...

I've seen this same pattern happen multiple times to female friends of mine; they are inexplicably attracted to men that are bad for them. It's maddening to see them go for guys that end up just using them for physical pleasure and sometimes a punching bag and leaving them with a couple of kids, an STD, and basically used up.

Okay, rant off...

Any ladies want to explain why so many of you choose this??

 

[Sketcher]

I've seen this same pattern happen multiple times to female friends of mine; they are inexplicably attracted to men that are bad for them. It's maddening to see them go for guys that end up just using them for physical pleasure and sometimes a punching bag and leaving them with a couple of kids, an STD, and basically used up.

Poor taste and poor judgment. The women that do this literally are not worth getting frustrated over (exceptions can be made for family, that's different). If that's what they get, that's what they deserve.

 

[redblue22]

they get what they deserve . . . wow, the love and mercy never ends with some people.

 

[Servant68]

they get what they deserve . . . wow, the love and mercy never ends with some people.

Which is why I asked the question... Christ teaches us to have mercy and grace; I want to try and understand what is attracting women to these personality traits.

A woman I know is currently separated from her husband; has been for two years now. They were a church-planting couple with 2 beautiful kids when he started getting addicted to inappropriate content. She stayed faithful to him while he kept getting worse and worse. He became abusive and contracted an STD due to cheating on her with multiple partners. She had two more kids with him during his downward spiral. Why?? She is a beautiful, spiritual, loving, wonderful person who is now raising four children in a 3-bedroom apartment by herself while working as a dental assistant. Her "husband" is now stretching out the divorce and making life hell for her to move on while he is living with two college girls...

 

[ReesePiece23]

I stopped caring a LONG time ago.

You set your own standards in life. Personally, I like who I am and respect who I am, and I don't need the approval of other women. So if they want to go and chase after 'bad boys' then go right ahead and break a leg. I couldn't give a rats... Well, you know.

Why do they do it? I'm not bothered. My time is precious and I have a lot to be getting on with. Which, incidentally, reminds me to ask. If you're newly divorced, why on earth aren't you out there putting the world to rights and enjoying a bit of YOU time? For goodness sake, enjoy life.

 

[blackribbon]

She thinks she did everything "right" the first time and life screwed her. This is a form of rebellion in which she is now going to do everything wrong and "have fun" to "show him"...or something like that. It won't make her happy but she is going to try everything she didn't do the first time in search of the happiness that alluded her by following "the rules". In the end, she is going to get hurt again most likely. It isn't about finding a bad boy so much as deciding that "good boys" lie and are just an illusion and with the obvious "bad boy", she at least isn't fooled into expecting something better. It is a knee-jerk reaction to feeling like you were made a fool of when you consider yourself to be an intelligent person. I think guys do the same but rather than going after "the bad girls", they go after the "little girls" in an attempt to regain their youth and to be idolized and not be "controlled" by an equal age woman who considers herself an equal partner.

It may also be that the "bad boys" actually ask women out...and the "good guys" tend to take forever to open their mouths or show any evidence of interest...and a cheated on woman (or man) desperately needs someone who is obvious about their attraction ... even if it isn't real love. (Actually, lonely people tend to fall for the wrong people for the same reason). A "bad boy" has no problem coming up to a woman and flat out telling her he thinks she is attractive and because he is a "bad boy" and will then hit on her girlfriend if rejected by the first woman...he doesn't feel rejected because he isn't usually picky.

 

[blackribbon]

Which is why I asked the question... Christ teaches us to have mercy and grace; I want to try and understand what is attracting women to these personality traits.

A woman I know is currently separated from her husband; has been for two years now. They were a church-planting couple with 2 beautiful kids when he started getting addicted to inappropriate content. She stayed faithful to him while he kept getting worse and worse. He became abusive and contracted an STD due to cheating on her with multiple partners. She had two more kids with him during his downward spiral. Why?? She is a beautiful, spiritual, loving, wonderful person who is now raising four children in a 3-bedroom apartment by herself while working as a dental assistant. Her "husband" is now stretching out the divorce and making life hell for her to move on while he is living with two college girls...

This woman believed that if she just loved him enough, he would turn around...and that somehow, his cheating was at least partially her fault, something she did wrong. She loved God and thought enough prayer would save the marriage. The two extra children were probably not planned but the result of her having more sex thinking that it was somehow her fault for his inappropriate content addiction.

I had a friend who had to be saved from this mentality. Beautiful loving Christian woman who felt she had to stay and be submissive even to the point of being physically and sexually abused (I didn't learn about this until he moved out) because that is what God called Christian married women to be. It took a lot of Christian counseling to get her to the point where she could let go of the fact that the failure of the marriage wasn't all her fault like he said...(it was even her fault that he cheated according to him). Ironically, she protected him and his image as a "Christian" through all this garbage and abuse.

 

[Goodbook]

I dont know about your friends, the first lady doesnt sound like a christian..so a godly man is not her priority.

The second lady may be sticking with her husband to honor her marriage vows. But her husband needs deliverance...he is sick.

I dont know why anyone would willingly enter into these kinds of marriages or relationships but women can be easily deceived. A man can start off all good on the surface and put on an act. A woman will tend to overlook the bad signs and red flags in hopes to bring out the good in a man. I would not say a woman is attracted to the dark side of a man unkess shes wholly given over to lust and acting like a harlot.

In most cases the man is the one preying on the woman, who finds it hard to say no, especially when she hasnt been taught to say no or exercise her faith. Im sorry to hear about your female friends but I hear about this kind of stuff all the time too and think a lot of women are fools and just rely on their feelings instead of faith.

Also some women mistake attention for love. The love Jesus demonstrated was sacrificial. Its satans old ploy again.

 

[radhead]

I know most Christians would disagree, but I think Jesus was the original bad boy. It's all just a matter of how you interpret the Bible.

 

[redblue22]

Which is why I asked the question... Christ teaches us to have mercy and grace; I want to try and understand what is attracting women to these personality traits.
...

Mercy would be not giving someone what they deserve, and grace is giving someone what they don't deserve. Grace meaning, "free undeserved gift." We don't need to know how one came to the point they are in order to recognize their great value.

I don't know the answer, but I had some thoughts.

You seem to think the two men are different from one another. Are they?

I also wonder about your goal to find out the one answer that will fit most women. Could there be many answers?

And why are there already guys expressing frustration or anger in response?

 

[TheGirlOnFire]

You do realise bad boys don't act like bad boys right away right, they hook women in right

 

[TheGirlOnFire]

Poor taste and poor judgment. The women that do this literally are not worth getting frustrated over (exceptions can be made for family, that's different). If that's what they get, that's what they deserve.

You are disgusting

 

[Ubuntu]

She thinks she did everything "right" the first time and life screwed her. This is a form of rebellion in which she is now going to do everything wrong and "have fun" to "show him"...or something like that.

I think this might be a plausible explanation... In a similar vein, I know a woman who stopped going to Church when her (Christian) husband cheated on her, divorced her and married someone else. The way I understand it, she now feels that God (if he exists) has failed her. So her reaction to this is to leave the Church and to blame God…

Fortunately, I don't think she is going after "bad boys", but she lives her life as an unbeliever and I think the same dynamic is at play. With her attitude she is essentially saying something like "God, if you exist you must be cruel, why else would you permit something like this to happen to me? I tried to follow you, but in return you allowed this to happen to me."

 

[miss-a]

I don't like bad boys anymore, but before I was saved I dated them. Here's my take. Bad boys, not all but many, go for the girl. Ask her out, compliment, and do all manner of chivalrous things to get the girl. When they get her they treat her like poo, but they often will make her feel special until then. And because at theat time I was very emotionally unhealthy, I then was too enmeshed to get out immediately. I'd stick around waiting for the guy who'd hooked me to come back. These day's I disappear just as soon as the good behavior disappears.

The other thing about bad boys is because they are womanizers they know they need to be attractive to women. They usually work out and keep themselves looking great. And they are usually fun, adventursome, and exciting. They make us feel like life can be fun and exciting.

Now here's the thing with many nice guys. They don't ask us out. They look at us from across the room. We think they might like us, but we're not sure because they don't ask us out. They aren't womanizers so they may or may not put their best foot forward when it comes to trying to be attractive for us. There is a weird unspoken belief that a guy doesn't have to look his best and a woman should kill herself trying to exceed her best. That stinks and I don't think nice guys do it on purpose, but it can be there. And the excitement factor, nice doesn't have to mean sedate. A nice guy can kayak and hike and go on mission trips and offer an exciting life. But if he never asks me out, I'll never know that. Does the nice guy assume I'll say no, because I've learned I have to strive to exceed looking my best? Does the nice guy accept he'll always be out of shape, rather than working out with some youtube videos and putting his best foot forword? Or is he everything about the bad boy that I used to like, except bad, but fears I'll think he's a womanizer if he shows me attention? Dunno. Starting to not care. I think we have so overcomplicated everything that having a relationship may not be the way to go, afterall.

 

[Goodbook]

Yes thats true miss-a why do nice guys not ask us but bad boys do? Going back to adam and eve, i think it shows that a woman puts her trust in whoever talks to her first. Men take advantage of that.

Thats why its the womens prerogative to say 'no'. However, for women, we have to be careful to not walk in the way of sinners, if we are christians we listen only to the voice of our shepherd, who will protect us. Women without a covering are vulnerable. Jesus mantle is our covering.

 

[MehGuy]

Yes, I know that I am asking an unanswerable question and will likely paint with an unfairly broad brush that will offend some here; but I will do my best to simply vent my frustrations and not impugn the character or sensibilities of the ladies here.

I know a woman with whom I went to high school with. She has/had a successful career in the medical field. Her husband of 22 years was also successful in the same field. They had a beautiful home, two older children that were normal, nice stuff, etc, etc. Living the American Dream.

Then her husband starts getting a mid-life crisis. Starts drinking heavily and ends up cheating on her with a co-worker and decides to leave her. She immediately files for divorce, throws him out of the house and gets a good lawyer. Then she calls me and asks for advice since I had also gone through a divorce in which my spouse cheated on me.

We texted and talked nearly constantly for weeks. We met for coffee and I told her that one of her first instincts would be to go out and party and try to find comfort in either a bottle or a bed and that both things would be harmful to her mentally, physically, and spiritually. I encouraged her to start going to church again and invited her to mine. She declined.

I started noticing on her FB account that she was going out with the girls from work and partying. Then she started getting a lot of new FB friends that were male. Our texts and calls dwindled and stopped. I saw the path she was taking and removed myself from the impending train wreck. This was over a year ago.

I was speaking to a mutual friend the other day and she told me that our friend had indeed hooked up with a guy that was not particularly good-looking or in good shape, but was "rough". Lots of tattoos, worked as a logger, drove a big lifted pickup, heavy drinker, lived in a trailer, had a couple of kids with different women, etc.

I also found out that my friend had isolated herself from her family after they wouldn't give her money(they wanted to go over her bills with her and help get everything caught up and she refused), got fired from her job, traded in her Honda Accord for a Hummer, and had gotten a couple of new tattoos...

I've seen this same pattern happen multiple times to female friends of mine; they are inexplicably attracted to men that are bad for them. It's maddening to see them go for guys that end up just using them for physical pleasure and sometimes a punching bag and leaving them with a couple of kids, an STD, and basically used up.

Okay, rant off...

Any ladies want to explain why so many of you choose this??

Probably partly biological. Although I'd say men are prone to falling for bad people as well. The problem has a much larger scope that just the romantic. As for who they are attracted too, I've been pondering if the attraction is actually stronger for sociopaths compared to sadists.

 

[Sketcher]

You are disgusting

Am I? I don't abuse women. Or is it disgusting to just let people make their own personal decisions, and not try to milk a date out of personally assisting somebody?

Which is why I asked the question... Christ teaches us to have mercy and grace; I want to try and understand what is attracting women to these personality traits.

It's something that you have zero control or influence over. You're only hurting yourself by bothering with it.

 

[Cearbhall]

Any ladies want to explain why so many of you choose this??

This just sounds like a side effect of depression. I personally don't know anyone who's done this, and I wouldn't say that there's a "trend" or "epidemic." Both men and women have been making poor decisions since the beginning of time, especially when they're struggling mentally.

 

[Saucy]

Girls like who they like. Just like guys.

Sometimes when we're young, we're attracted to something rebellious and different and hang with those crowds. But eventually we change, mature, get our act together for a time. Then mid-life crisis hits and we freak out, wonder what we've done with our lives or desire to be young and cool again.

I really think a person who gets to this point and cheats on their spouse, gets a divorce, etc just because things are a bit mundane at the time (marital issues, stress from raising kids) are incredibly selfish.

 

[Goodbook]

Yea thats what i think too..ive seen it happen way too much. You reckon its the midlife crisis? I think something happens when marrieds reach 40 they go a bit nuts and forget their vows.

Being single and being the dumping ground for unhappy marrieds is not fun.