How much "Privacy" is to be expected in marriage?

[Niffer]

Here's the long and short of it:

Hubby and I share everything, from credit cards to banking info, to pin numbers.
I know all his passwords and have freely shared mine with him.

Recently we each got a cell, (we had been sharing one) I don't have a password on my phone, hubby does, which I can understand.
He's at school all day, and I could see why you'd want to guard your phone.

He initally told me his cell password.

I found it tonight in the bathroom and went to turn it on to play games. (don't judge! )
My password, or rather the one he told me didn't work.

So I yelled to him what his password was - he said: "It's personal"

...Now we have had this fight before - I believe in total transparency in marriage, and as we've had some trust issues in the past year (not serious, just more him hiding some things he'd rather I not know) I got mad.

I even told him that he better be prepared for the you-know-what storm, if he didn't tell me.

As far as I can figure there's only two reasons for NOT sharing a password:
1) You don't want your spouse to find out whats on your phone
2) You don't trust your spouse not to snoop even if you've got nothing on there.

He just says he needs "privacy"

Am I being too anal here? I do trust him, but I hate the fact that he won't willingly share his password with me - when I painstakingly try to be 100% transparent with him, always.

So yeah, I'm mad, but mostly hurt.

-Niffer

 

[GenetoJean]

Niffer, I cant imagine not giving my wife any passwords I have. She knows all of my passwords and pins. I think it is legitimate for you to feel hurt over him not sharing the password.

 

[LinkH]

I don't keep any passwords from my wife. Honestly, I didn't like giving her email passwords at first because she'll want to write them down and leave them laying around. I'll share them if she needs them at the time because she doesn't remember them anyway. I know some of her passwords, and I can ask if I don't know.

But if your husband is trustworthy, and he wants to adjust the relationship a little where he can have a private password on his phone, just let him. You can share you are hurt. Don't get angry though. I don't think there are any rules that you have a 'right' to his password. He may not like him that you trust him enough for the password to be an issue. And maybe he's got his phone set up in some way, or maybe he's being a bit protective of it because it's new and doesn't want it to get messed up by overuse. Let the new smell wear off the phone and see if he changes his mind.

 

[hijklmnop]

IMO, absolutely refusing to give a spouse a password once they've asked for it while spazzing out about privacy (I'm going to be very angry in the hopes that you back off!) is a red flag. If he's just upset about feeling "watched" or having his privacy infringed upon, okay, but he should be able to sit down with you and tell you that AFTER giving the password so you can put your mind at ease. To withhold it so insistently is really not cool., especially considering you guys already have issues regarding secrecy and trust. If he's contributed to the damaged trust in the relationship which it sounds like he has, he should be forthcoming anytime you want or need him to be, end of story. That's a natural consequence (less privacy) that would resolve itself over time if he worked hard to restore the trust. What he's doing now is not okay. As someone with nothing to hide I wouldn't hesitate to give a password to my spouse. I might ask, "Why do you want to look?" but only after giving it freely. If he didn't trust me I'd for sure want to know why so we can work at fixing that, but I wouldn't keep it from him. That just doesn't make sense relationally. Listen to your instincts. If you feel strongly that something is wrong, it probably is, not to be doom and gloom but that's a lesson I've learned.

 

[Avniel]

Well look on the bright side it is christmas time so who knows he might be planning something special.

My wife and I also have no passwords that are not known to each other. I think it started from can you get a number off my facebook, take my debt card and other things through out the year. I don't think there is any privacy in marriage.

 

[hijklmnop]

As Dr. Phil would say, LOL, "Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing." It doesn't mean that you have to write out all your passwords on a spreadsheet if your spouse hasn't asked and doesn't care and you've never had trust issues, but if they ever want one or all of them for any reason, there shouldn't be any real reason to say, "No", and especially if you've ever broken their trust, you should strive to be forthcoming so trust can be rebuilt. The more you do that, the less they'll feel the need to ask. I can't imagine being so motivated to keep a password secret just for the sake of "privacy".

 

[hijklmnop]

Whose idea were the separate phones?

 

[Cute Tink]

Well look on the bright side it is christmas time so who knows he might be planning something special.

This is possible. However, you may want to approach him from the idea that you are curious as to why he is not opening his phone up to you and see what he says.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

For the most part my wife and I are pretty open with each other in our marriage. We have shared 'passwords' with each other on a need to know basis. We have separate e-mail accounts and such, but if there was a need to access these accounts for one another (and there has been in the past) we give each other the passwords, no problem.

My wife and I were discussing this thread a few minutes ago and thought of a certain scenario, though. I have a friend in our church that I agreed to be an 'accountability partner' with on a certain issue that is confidential. My wife knows that. So in that case I may not be willing to give my wife access to that e-mail account unless I had filed away or checked my inbox first for anything that was confidential. Also, she is not a member of this forum, but belongs to another Christian forum. She looks in on the threads here from time to time and asked me if it bothers me if she does this (look in on the forum here). I answered no, because I trust her enough that I don't have anything to hide from her. Besides she knows my views on marriage and marital relationships enough that nothing would shock her about what I have to say here.

So, all that to say "It's personal" would require some follow-up as to why if it were my wife and I having the cell-phone discussion. It could be a simple reason, though. I would simply ask him to clarify why it is personal.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

The accounts that I know, my other half has. My phone is unlocked, no passwords, and I think the only thing that is locked is the banking info. The banking info is all in my name, but that's because we're part of a bank that has specific criteria to join, which he doesn't meet but I do. That said, he knows all the passwords.

Your husband's motivation, I couldn't guess... But I am curious as to the answer to the question the other poster asked about who's idea it was to get separate phones?

 

[cactusrose]

So I yelled to him what his password was - he said: "It's personal"

NOT!

 

[seeingeyes]

Here's the long and short of it:

Hubby and I share everything, from credit cards to banking info, to pin numbers.
I know all his passwords and have freely shared mine with him.

Recently we each got a cell, (we had been sharing one) I don't have a password on my phone, hubby does, which I can understand.
He's at school all day, and I could see why you'd want to guard your phone.

He initally told me his cell password.

I found it tonight in the bathroom and went to turn it on to play games. (don't judge! )
My password, or rather the one he told me didn't work.

So I yelled to him what his password was - he said: "It's personal"

...Now we have had this fight before - I believe in total transparency in marriage, and as we've had some trust issues in the past year (not serious, just more him hiding some things he'd rather I not know) I got mad.

I even told him that he better be prepared for the you-know-what storm, if he didn't tell me.

As far as I can figure there's only two reasons for NOT sharing a password:
1) You don't want your spouse to find out whats on your phone
2) You don't trust your spouse not to snoop even if you've got nothing on there.

He just says he needs "privacy"

Am I being too anal here? I do trust him, but I hate the fact that he won't willingly share his password with me - when I painstakingly try to be 100% transparent with him, always.

So yeah, I'm mad, but mostly hurt.

-Niffer

Don't you want your husband to not just 'share' with you, but to be willing to share with you?

I don't believe in 'privacy' in marriage, necessarily, my husband can access whatever he likes...even my journal. But the day he threatens me with a s***-storm if I don't give him my password or something is the day I tell him to eat my shorts.

 

[LinkH]

Niffer

Did you try typing 'personal' into the phone to see if that worked? It's kind of like the Who's on first routine.

Hu is the president of China.

I've got a friend whose last name in his father's native language translates as 'Personal' or "Private" So I can ask him in that language. "What is your last name?" If he says his last name, I can say, "Come on, even your last name is Private?"

I don't know if he speaks the language well enough. His older sister sister did, but it's her maiden name now.

 

[Verve]

Thunder could know all of my passwords if he asked, but he hasn't asked for any of them. My stuff is pretty simple and boring.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Since you guys were open before, I would be suspicious about this change.

 

[Niffer]

Whose idea were the separate phones?

It was mutual. I liked the idea of finally being able to text (our shared phone was stone-aged) and he was going back to school - so we could keep tabs on eachother when out and about.

Don't you want your husband to not just 'share' with you, but to be willing to share with you?

I don't believe in 'privacy' in marriage, necessarily, my husband can access whatever he likes...even my journal. But the day he threatens me with a s***-storm if I don't give him my password or something is the day I tell him to eat my shorts.

*sigh* I know, I didn't handle it well. It's just that we've had this argument before. This isn't new and he KNOWS how much it hurts me when he displays that he doesn't trust me.
Honestly, right now, I could care less whether he's willing or not - I do feel that I have a "right" to know.

Since you guys were open before, I would be suspicious about this change.

Like I said, it's not a new argument.
The thing is, I 100% trust him. Do I actually think he's hiding something? Nope.
He's extremely loyal, but its the principal of the thing.
I give 100% transparency, I offer information because I don't want it biting me in the butt later.
For example, I went to a bachelorette this past weekend, I went dancing, hubby knew this, I told him about the guys that hit on me, how much I drank, even what I wore!
The last thing I'd want is to withhold information that could cause grief later on down the line! I'd rather just be honest - and expect the same.

I feel I respect his privacy, meaning I don't go digging through his emails, or open his mail.
I've told him he's free to do that to my stuff however, as I really don't care.

But he's stubbornly dug his heels in about privacy with his phone - I don't suspect foul play to be honest, but the very fact that he refuses to share make my hackles rise.
And that's what I'm trying to figure out if it's warranted or not...

He accused me of having "trust issues" - but wouldn't him NOT trusting me with his passwords (out of fear that I'll 'snoop') prove that he's got much bigger trust issues than I?

-Niffer

 

[true2theword]

Here's the long and short of it:

Hubby and I share everything, from credit cards to banking info, to pin numbers.
I know all his passwords and have freely shared mine with him.

Recently we each got a cell, (we had been sharing one) I don't have a password on my phone, hubby does, which I can understand.
He's at school all day, and I could see why you'd want to guard your phone.

He initally told me his cell password.

I found it tonight in the bathroom and went to turn it on to play games. (don't judge! )
My password, or rather the one he told me didn't work.

So I yelled to him what his password was - he said: "It's personal"

...Now we have had this fight before - I believe in total transparency in marriage, and as we've had some trust issues in the past year (not serious, just more him hiding some things he'd rather I not know) I got mad.

I even told him that he better be prepared for the you-know-what storm, if he didn't tell me.

As far as I can figure there's only two reasons for NOT sharing a password:
1) You don't want your spouse to find out whats on your phone
2) You don't trust your spouse not to snoop even if you've got nothing on there.

He just says he needs "privacy"

Am I being too anal here? I do trust him, but I hate the fact that he won't willingly share his password with me - when I painstakingly try to be 100% transparent with him, always.

So yeah, I'm mad, but mostly hurt.

-Niffer

hate to tell you this, but an innocent man has nothing to hide, any man that would rather get into a fight then show his wife there is nothing on his phone is a man with a guilty conscience

 

[LinkH]

I don't think you can be suspicious of him over this. He might have been teasing but held his ground because of her reaction. Maybe he didn't want her using his phone in the bathroom (or maybe Niffer was taking it from there.) Maybe he just doesn't want his new phone played with.

He might have something related to Christmas in it, too. That's a possibility.

 

[seeingeyes]

*sigh* I know, I didn't handle it well. It's just that we've had this argument before. This isn't new and he KNOWS how much it hurts me when he displays that he doesn't trust me.
Honestly, right now, I could care less whether he's willing or not - I do feel that I have a "right" to know.

I hope I didn't come down too hard. 'Old' issues are the most frustrating ones, I know.

It hurts you when he displays that he doesn't trust you and it hurts him when you display that you don't trust him. This scenario goes both ways.

What if he said to you, "I trust you, baby, I'm just gonna put this tracking device on your car because I have a right to." You might wonder what he was smoking.

If you don't trust him, then you need to be honest about your fears, and if you do trust him, then you should stop acting like you don't. And it seems that in his mind, your reaction to his password means that you feel the need to 'check up' on him.

May I ask whether you have had some experience in the past that makes this such a crucial issue to you?

 

[morethanenough06]

Niffer, this raises a big red flag. You have reason to be suspicious.