How much "Privacy" is to be expected in marriage?

[PreachersWife2004]

I can see where a perceived threat might cause someone to back off from giving something...it's not a mature way to deal with it, but I get the feeling from your posts that he's really got nothing to hide and that maybe he's just feeling a bit peckish.

I don't know half of my hubby's passwords. I just make him come and type them in. He uses long passwords with numbers and letters and all kinds of stuff, whereas my passwords are very short yet personal enough that nobody off the street is going to be able to figure them out.

There are things on my computer that I would rather he not see, but if he did see them I wouldn't have a problem with it. They're not lifechanging or awful or anything. Just private thoughts.

Being married means being open with your spouse but I'm not sure total transparency is necessary. A lot depends on the spouse's attitude.

 

[Darkhorse]

My wife and I exchange passwords casually, but we seldom if ever use those of the other person. She doesn't get into my stuff, and I don't get into hers. She's big on journaling (handwritten), and I know where she keeps it, but I never look at it. It's just a matter of respect.

Fortunately, we've never had trust issues arise in our marriage. I tend to be very suspicious, but one of the joys of our marriage is being able to trust her completely. I'm sure it works both ways.

And she likes to be surprised by gifts, so all I would have to say is "there's gift information in there", and she'll stay away.

 

[DZoolander]

My wife and I know each other's passwords for everything.

 

[MessianicMommy]

We know where each other keep our saved passwords. Some of the ones we have (phone, TV/Wii) are in common.

DH however, does not snoop in my nightstand, drawers, purse or gym bag. I pretty much beg to have him get me something out of either or put something in one or the other.

I do not snoop with his stuff either. I can't remember the last time I went in a drawer of his for something. Must have been a few months ago. I've been in his backpack only to get food he forgot in there.

We both use and poke around each other's phones - so I doubt this would be an issue unless he'd just downloaded a new game and was still trying to surprise me, or was in the middle of working on something from his phone at work or home.

We're both rather private and open with each other. It's never been an issue where either of us have suspected an issue or non-sharing on something that might impact us as a unit.

If he did that though, I'd reiterate what I was doing on the phone and why I needed the new password. If he got peeved, I'd tell him (since it's me and us we're talking about) that this is a "make or break" situation and if we are to go forward, he needs a valid reason why this information is not being shared.

 

[Hetta]

Here's the long and short of it:

Hubby and I share everything, from credit cards to banking info, to pin numbers.
I know all his passwords and have freely shared mine with him.

Recently we each got a cell, (we had been sharing one) I don't have a password on my phone, hubby does, which I can understand.
He's at school all day, and I could see why you'd want to guard your phone.

He initally told me his cell password.

I found it tonight in the bathroom and went to turn it on to play games. (don't judge! )
My password, or rather the one he told me didn't work.

So I yelled to him what his password was - he said: "It's personal"

...Now we have had this fight before - I believe in total transparency in marriage, and as we've had some trust issues in the past year (not serious, just more him hiding some things he'd rather I not know) I got mad.

I even told him that he better be prepared for the you-know-what storm, if he didn't tell me.

As far as I can figure there's only two reasons for NOT sharing a password:
1) You don't want your spouse to find out whats on your phone
2) You don't trust your spouse not to snoop even if you've got nothing on there.

He just says he needs "privacy"

Am I being too anal here? I do trust him, but I hate the fact that he won't willingly share his password with me - when I painstakingly try to be 100% transparent with him, always.

So yeah, I'm mad, but mostly hurt.

-Niffer

Firstly, why does anyone need a password on a cell phone? That alone would make me uneasy.

 

[Cute Tink]

Firstly, why does anyone need a password on a cell phone? That alone would make me uneasy.

I have one to keep my kids from playing with it. If my wife wanted on my phone, I would have no problem giving it to her. She isn't over fond of technology and doesn't care to learn, so she has never asked, but there is nothing on my phone which would surprise her anyway.

 

[Hetta]

I have one to keep my kids from playing with it. If my wife wanted on my phone, I would have no problem giving it to her. She isn't over fond of technology and doesn't care to learn, so she has never asked, but there is nothing on my phone which would surprise her anyway.

I think their child is very young, no? Even so, that would be my first question.

 

[Hetta]

As to how much privacy - not much should be expected, imo.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

Firstly, why does anyone need a password on a cell phone? That alone would make me uneasy.

In case the phone is stolen. In case the phone is left at work and you have nosy co-workers.

People who do work from their smart phones really should have it password protected.

 

[MessianicMommy]

Firstly, why does anyone need a password on a cell phone? That alone would make me uneasy.

I think their child is very young, no? Even so, that would be my first question.

In case the phone is stolen. In case the phone is left at work and you have nosy co-workers.

People who do work from their smart phones really should have it password protected.

Yep. In case the phone is stolen, or left on your desk at work.

DH uses his phone for work AND home related server/computer work. So - there is a lot of need to keep that password protected.

In addition, we have two SUPER smart kids, and without the password, they cannot browse the internet on his phone or play games, or call whomever is on his list or screw up what he is working on.

On the day he left it on and available without re-locking it... my eldest had sat down sending text messages to people on the list of last sent/received messages.

Mine was left unattended twice, and he kept calling DH because that was the 2nd to last prompt left up. DH was at work and his boss was at his desk.

 

[DZoolander]

On a side note - I totally agree with you on that.

Our daughter is 21 months old - and has mastered the iPad already. It's amazing to me how quickly she grasps things and figures out. She totally knows how to unlock it, find her apps and properly utilize them, etc. The only thing she doesn't quite grasp yet is why when she hits certain things - it brings up the "buy now?" option and what that means.

But overall how it works - that's totally nailed.

 

[contango]

Coming to this a bit late, but a few thoughts.

First of all, is his password "personal"? I.e. if you type in the word "personal" when it asks for a password, does it work? If so then this is a storm over a misunderstanding.

If it isn't that, ask him why he's reluctant to share. Watch his body language as much as the words he uses to answer - the truthful answer could be anything from trying to prepare a surprise for you at Christmas to not wanting you to see the nude pictures another woman sent him to not wanting you to undo the hours he spent setting up his new phone just how he wanted it. If he appears shifty and uneasy perhaps he is hiding something from you, if he appears open then perhaps he's just looking to get you something unexpected for Christmas.

For what it's worth my wife and I are pretty open about just about everything. We have our own email accounts but they all download into the same application, just in different folders. So I can read her mail, she can read my mail and so on. If one of us has ordered something for the other we just move the emails related to it into a folder that the other knows not to read.

 

[true2theword]

another huge red flag would be a man who deletes his web history

 

[contango]

another huge red flag would be a man who deletes his web history

Not necessarily, I delete mine every once in a while. Usually anything over about three months old gets the chop, if Firefox seems slow I'll delete more of it.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Firstly, why does anyone need a password on a cell phone? That alone would make me uneasy.

My phone is locked because it has personal pictures, work passwords, contact information for people I know, business contacts, my banking applications... If it's lost or stolen, somebody has all the means required to steal my identity, or present enough information to make a compelling argument in an attempt to access a lot of information.

The way my phone is set up is, when it's locked, you can only do two things... Call a number I've designated as "home" to tell me you've found it, or 911. And if I've discovered my phone is lost, I can wipe it so that it just bricks.

And when your two-year-old fondles at the phone while you're in the bathroom in order to talk to grandma, but actually dials your husband's ex wife... That's one of those "only needs to happen once before you learn from it" scenarios.

Then again, I just got a new Lumia. I'm totally protective of it. LoL!

 

[Tropical Wilds]

On a side note - I totally agree with you on that.

Our daughter is 21 months old - and has mastered the iPad already. It's amazing to me how quickly she grasps things and figures out. She totally knows how to unlock it, find her apps and properly utilize them, etc. The only thing she doesn't quite grasp yet is why when she hits certain things - it brings up the "buy now?" option and what that means.

But overall how it works - that's totally nailed.

They will learn it faster then you think. When my stepson was 3, and a young 3, he was quite adept at navigating the Xbox menus. Including spending $100 on points because he wanted "Castle Crashers" gamer pics and backgrounds... :o

Our son, who's two, can do everything but fire up the Xbox. Once it's logged in, he knows where Netflix/Hulu are, how to fire it up, and find the program he wants. He even knows if he wants Thomas to go to Netflix and Bob the Builder to go to Hulu. Kids are ridiculous.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Not necessarily, I delete mine every once in a while. Usually anything over about three months old gets the chop, if Firefox seems slow I'll delete more of it.

Same, especially with my old phone, I'd have to delete texts and web history daily. It was an old Droid (the model BEFORE the Droid 1...) and I'd so clogged it with apps, and apps became so huge that to save space and speed it up, I had to clear it all out. I think before I finally retired it, if I got and sent a total of 100 texts (which is like an hours worth of texting for me) I'd get a notice that said my phone's memory was full and I couldn't send/receive texts or data until I emptied it. Same with my old BB Storm. Though when I got the Windows Trophy I never had those issues again and I don't expect to have it on my Lumia either, despite the 5k of songs I have on it. And that's the physical number of songs, not the space they take up...

 

[Avniel]

Firstly, why does anyone need a password on a cell phone? That alone would make me uneasy.

People steal cell phones if you have a password on it then it can be harder to get a value for that phone and if it's pawned the store owners can't sell it and they can become away that the cell phone is stolen. Like someone said you lay it around children then you can spend money on apps you didn't intend to buy.

 

[Hetta]

Maybe it is a long time since I have been around small children, but a 2 year old would be hard pressed to go through all the steps of knowingly buying an app. Perhaps the phones could just be kept out of the child's reach? Again, maybe it's just me, but anything I didn't want my young children to touch, I would place out of their reach.

The OP hasn't even commented on why the husband is locking his cell phone, so all of this is guesswork anyway, until and unless she responds.

 

[Hetta]

Reading some of the other posts, it seems that lots of people need to place controllers out of the reach of children, and not have credit cards automatically linked to accounts, or have some password on such accounts. But, again, this is not the subject of the OP.