Marrying a Christian who is not a virgin.

[melowgold8]

I am dating an amazing girl who I feel like someday she could be the one for me. But she isn't a virgin and it tares me apart. It tares her apart to. She lost it a long time ago before she became faithful to God. I'm saving mine untill marriage and she so badly wishes she did too. She feel's so incredibly ashamed about it and we both wish more than anything that the past could be changed.

I'm worried though that i'll never be able to love her because of it. Will I always get this feeling that she can never fully love me either. Will this be an ongoing struggle if we were to marry? It just feels like we'll never be able to share a special bond..

Please I need advice on this, and stories and personal experiences. Should I look for a virgin? Or can I love someone who is not a virgin but so strongly regrets it. Is it possible to get rid of this feeling? Will a marriage ever work out? I want to love her but its so hard on both of us. I dont want her to feel like she's no good for me, because I have my faults too. But is this fair to me? Will we ever be able to share a special bond?

Thanks so much for the help. Please leave me your advice and pray for us! Thanks

 

[rturner76]

Three words: Get over it

 

[Trogool]

I am dating an amazing girl who I feel like someday she could be the one for me. But she isn't a virgin and it tares me apart. It tares her apart to. She lost it a long time ago before she became faithful to God. I'm saving mine untill marriage and she so badly wishes she did too. She feel's so incredibly ashamed about it and we both wish more than anything that the past could be changed.

I'm worried though that i'll never be able to love her because of it. Will I always get this feeling that she can never fully love me either. Will this be an ongoing struggle if we were to marry? It just feels like we'll never be able to share a special bond..

Please I need advice on this, and stories and personal experiences. Should I look for a virgin? Or can I love someone who is not a virgin but so strongly regrets it. Is it possible to get rid of this feeling? Will a marriage ever work out? I want to love her but its so hard on both of us. I dont want her to feel like she's no good for me.. But is she?

Thanks so much for the help. Please leave me your advice and pray for us! Thanks

If the lack of a hymen makes any woman "no good" for you, you have a long ways to go.

 

[melowgold8]

If the lack of a hymen makes any woman "no good" for you, you have a long ways to go.

I don't at all feel that she is no good for me. I am a sinner too and I am no better. But will we ever be able to share a special bond?

 

[Radagast]

I am a sinner too and I am no better.

Correct.

But will we ever be able to share a special bond?

Why wouldn't you?

 

[BFine]

Your feelings are unfounded as you already love her
and she loves you.
While there can be feelings of-- "I wished I would of waited" or "I wished she could of waited" those feelings shouldn't be allowed to become like an "idol" in
your lives. Repent of such continual notions/thoughts.

Put into practice forgiveness and extend mercy-- that is what God has done
towards us, we are called to follow Jesus and to imitate his example in
our lives.

There are no perfect people, everyone of us has fallen short/missed the mark.

Jesus said that if you look upon a woman as to desire sexually(lusting), you have
already committed the act in your heart... so even if you haven't physically
engaged in sexual relations-- the act of lusting is sinful, therefore you aren't
pure either.

Do remember:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

 

[melowgold8]

Your feelings are unfounded as you already love her
and she loves you.
While there can be feelings of-- "I wished I would of waited" or "I wished she could of waited" those feelings shouldn't be allowed to become like an "idol" in
your lives. Repent of such continual notions/thoughts.

Put into practice forgiveness and extend mercy-- that is what God has done
towards us, we are called to follow Jesus and to imitate his example in
our lives.

There are no perfect people, everyone of us has fallen short/missed the mark.

Jesus said that if you look upon a woman as to desire sexually(lusting), you have
already committed the act in your heart... so even if you haven't physically
engaged in sexual relations-- the act of lusting is sinful, therefore you aren't
pure either.

Do remember:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

BFine, this response was so helpful that it felt like an answered prayer from God. After reading this I felt a sudden wave of comfort come over me. You're right, I need to practice forgiveness. The fact that she prays to God for forgiveness about it too is all that counts. She has an honest pure heart and just because she made a mistake doesn't mean I should let it affect us. If it does it is my fault, not hers. I am a sinner too, no one is perfect. Thank you so much for the revelation

 

[powerpoint]

I will try not to get too angry while writing this.

I am dating an amazing girl who I feel like someday she could be the one for me. But she isn't a virgin and it tares me apart.

Why? Why have you placed so much stock on something like this? 1 word: Idolatry.

It tares her apart to. She lost it a long time ago before she became faithful to God.

At which point she became a Christian, God's daughter and your sister in Christ. Maybe you should read 2 Corinthians 5:17: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ,the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" If Jesus can deal with it, why can't you?

I'm saving mine untill marriage

Well aren't you just the perfect little angel? I assume in your world that no one ever messes up and everyone is perfect. Good job

and she so badly wishes she did too. She feel's so incredibly ashamed about it and we both wish more than anything that the past could be changed.

Ok, 3 words for you both. GET OVER IT. Good grief, what is wrong with just being a couple and preparing for marriage instead of false and self indulgent grief over something she's probably repented of and been forgiven for?

I'm worried though that i'll never be able to love her because of it.

Then you don't deserve her. She is God's daughter, he loves her unconditionally. Paul writes in Ephesians 5:25 "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her(" Jesus loved us despite our faults, He still died for us and committed the ultimate act of love. If you genuinely aren't prepared to look past this slip up, then you don't love her in the same way Jesus loves you and, frankly, she deserves better

Will I always get this feeling that she can never fully love me either. Will this be an ongoing struggle if we were to marry? It just feels like we'll never be able to share a special bond.

It wont be a struggle if you just get on with loving her. Seriously, just grow a pair and get on with it. And what special bond? Surely a special bond is formed by being with someone you love and following God together, loving Him together and seeking Him together. Ecclesiaties 4:22 says "A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Thats your special bond. A special bond is not some BS romanticied idea that exists only in your head and in Mills and Boon books.

Please I need advice on this, and stories and personal experiences. Should I look for a virgin?

Oh marvellous. You'd consider leaving her just because something that happened a long time ago upsets you? Really? Are you really that committed to her?

Or can I love someone who is not a virgin but so strongly regrets it.

Only you can decide that. But you know what? If you decide you can't love her (despite what the Bible says), pass the ball. There are hundreds, thousands of amazing Christian guys out there who would love to be with a nice girl. Clearly you don't want to be with her if you're so fixated on one detail in her past.

Is it possible to get rid of this feeling? Will a marriage ever work out?

If you keep this up, it won't

I want to love her but its so hard on both of us.

Oh, you want to love her? so you don't at the moment? Why the hell are you even discussing marriage if you dont love this girl?

I dont want her to feel like she's no good for me, because I have my faults too.

I find that hard to believe, because clearly you are a paragon of chastity and virtue. I wonder, if she hammered you so hard over some of the mistakes you have made, how would you feel. Seriously, think about that. Thats how you make her feel.

But is this fair to me?

At this point, I don't care, you are being horribly judgemental and abusive to one of God's daughters. man up and get over yourself.

Will we ever be able to share a special bond?

You have clearly watched Love Actually one too many times.

In summary, you are mistreating and abusing God's daughter by dragging this issue out and judging her for it. Is this really how you treat someone you love? What about building them up and edifying them?

Get over yourself. Get over this issue and if you can't do either of those, let her go.

 

[Ark100]

Another guy posted similar question on here, but he is the non-virgin while his gf is the virgin.
Acceptance is what you need to do or pray to be able to do. She did sin while she was in the world, and The Lord has wiped the slate clean for her. She cannot and should not feel bad about it any longer. She can;t undo the past.
If she feels bad about what she did in the past, then the enemy is making her feel bad, not The Lord.
Learn to accept her for her. If you love her, you would be the one teling her its ok.
IF YOU find it hard to do, I seriously doubt you and her are meant to be together, and it would be better if you let her go so she can find someone who will.
You have a right to feel the way you do, and she has a right to feel empowered and know she is a child of Almighty God, regardless of what has happened in the past.
Marrying a virgin is not going to make your marriage any better than marrying a non-virgin. It all comes down to the compatibility you two have and if God has a hand in your relationship and marriage.

 

[jpcedotal]

Just think how much closer you will be when you take her hand look her in the eyes and tell her,

"I love you....you are perfect to me...I have been saving myself for you my whole life and I absolutely can not live with you." Forgive her and don't bring it up again. if she does, tell her sincerely, that does not matter...AT ALL.

Don't even mention the fact that she made past mistakes, we all do. They may not be the same mistakes, but none of us are perfect.

The fact that she is in a relationship with you and is not pushing you to sleep with her so she will feel better about things should let you know just how special of a girl you have.

...shut up about it...you are throwing out a guilt trip that will in the end run her off...don't screw this up man...the honey moon will be most excellent.

 

[citizenthom]

First of all, don't let anyone here make you feel like a lesser human being if you can't look past this flaw. Everyone has dealbreakers; and a dealbreaker that comes out of a perversion of God's plan is completely legitimate. We were not meant to have to bring others' sexual history into our marriage beds, and it is entirely natural and normal for it to be a hang-up.

That said, if you cannot fully forgive her for her past, you should not marry her. You would be doing both of you a disservice.

 

[ChildofGod777]

BFine, this response was so helpful that it felt like an answered prayer from God. After reading this I felt a sudden wave of comfort come over me. You're right, I need to practice forgiveness. The fact that she prays to God for forgiveness about it too is all that counts. She has an honest pure heart and just because she made a mistake doesn't mean I should let it affect us. If it does it is my fault, not hers. I am a sinner too, no one is perfect. Thank you so much for the revelation

Yes BFine is pretty wise and knows what she's talking about. One thing you have to remember is that God is not worried about our past, only our tomorrows. She has repented of her sins and the Lord has forgiven and forgotten and now the both of you need to do the same.

Of course a lot of us wish we could have done things differently in the past but we can't change anything nor are we supposed to dwell on it. Just let it go and do what's right in your heart.

 

[gideon123]

" I am dating an amazing girl who I feel like someday she could be the one for me. But she isn't a virgin and it tares me apart"

I am trying to express things in a kind way on this forum.
But honestly - I sometimes feel like I would have a more sensible conversation if I was talking to the Hells Angels. They're a motorcycle club, by the way.

Please try to get a grip.
Focus on the fact that she loves you.
You have got a LOT of growing up to do.
Your own perfectionistic standards may actually undermine your marriage.

Be HAPPY with the woman God is giving you.

Or - Cancel the wedding until you resolve this stuff in your head.
Use a lot of prayer.

gideon123

 

[melowgold8]

Thanks Everyone. There seems to be some confusion. I am very good to her and not once have I made her feel bad about it. I forgive her and I told her it doesn't change how I feel about her which is true. I told her that everyone makes mistakes and that I'm no better than she is. So don't take what I said the wrong way.

I was just wondering if this could affect anything but It doesn't sound like it can. Its just something I need to pray about to forget and that will happen.


BFines response was most helpful and now I understand that it is possible in a marriage. These thoughts I'm having aren't some selfish evil thoughts, they're just not me understanding. But now I better understand.

Thanks everyone for the help

 

[CaliforniaJosiah]

I am dating an amazing girl who I feel like someday she could be the one for me. But she isn't a virgin and it tares me apart. It tares her apart to. She lost it a long time ago before she became faithful to God. I'm saving mine untill marriage and she so badly wishes she did too. She feel's so incredibly ashamed about it and we both wish more than anything that the past could be changed.

I'm worried though that i'll never be able to love her because of it. Will I always get this feeling that she can never fully love me either. Will this be an ongoing struggle if we were to marry? It just feels like we'll never be able to share a special bond..

Please I need advice on this, and stories and personal experiences. Should I look for a virgin? Or can I love someone who is not a virgin but so strongly regrets it. Is it possible to get rid of this feeling? Will a marriage ever work out? I want to love her but its so hard on both of us. I dont want her to feel like she's no good for me, because I have my faults too. But is this fair to me? Will we ever be able to share a special bond?

Thanks so much for the help. Please leave me your advice and pray for us! Thanks

I think the GOOD thing to do is to be a virgin at one's wedding. Which is one reason why - at the old age of 24 - I still am (the only one left on the planet, it seems - which is okay). But (like it or not), if you restrict any future wife to one who is a virgin - you may never meet her.


BOTH of you are now Christians. BOTH of you now embrace the same value. That's good enough. About as good as it gets. It's something to CELEBRATE, not lament. Now, embrace that faith and value (until your honeymoon, lol).


MY advise: don't hit her over the head with this. FORGIVE her as Christ did, encourage her to forgive herself. CELEBRATE your (now) common faith and values in this regard because that's SO rare and so precious.


You've got a GOOD thing here! Don't blow it..



My half cent.


- Josiah




.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

If the lack of a hymen makes any woman "no good" for you, you have a long ways to go.

BTW I would like to mention before people go juding a woman on if she has a hymen or not (how does one know unless you seen that area on her?!?), there are lots of issues with a hymen. Some women have deformed ones, some don't even have one so you may assume they are not a virgin and be wrong. Just like I've read of women who accidently opened it by using tampons when their periods started.

Sorry to be gross and all but I don't think its fair to assume a women without one must have had sex. And of course unless a woman tells you about her hymen, you shouldn't be able to know unless you are doing something you shouldn't. >.>

 

[PrincessWarrior30]

---------->>>

I am dating an amazing girl who I feel like someday she could be the one for me.

- Feel like? Don't rely on your emotions and feelings, they don't last. If you're really looking/praying for a future partner, be serious in praying and consulting God.

But she isn't a virgin and it tares me apart. It tares her apart to. She lost it a long time ago before she became faithful to God.

- We all fall short to the glory of God. No one is perfect, whether she's a virgin or not, we are no better than anybody else. Anyone who is in Christ is a NEW PERSON, the old life is gone. I hope the girl will grasp and fully understand this truth. 1 Cor.5:17 NIV

I'm saving mine untill marriage and she so badly wishes she did too.

- Praise God! God delights in you. But she must forget the past already. She's a new person in Christ.

She feel's so incredibly ashamed about it and we both wish more than anything that the past could be changed.

- Consider this as a friendly advise... She's not emotionally stable yet. She's still in progress, and until she fully understands the real meaning of love, dilemmas will arise. I hope and I pray that before you commit or get married, make sure you are both emotionally stable IN the Lord, meaning, you are both secured IN God's love. You cannot give what you do not have. If you love someone, you will consider feeding yourself with God's love first, then you are able to share his love to your partner.

I'm worried though that i'll never be able to love her because of it. Will I always get this feeling that she can never fully love me either. Will this be an ongoing struggle if we were to marry? It just feels like we'll never be able to share a special bond..

- As I have mentioned, you need to be secured first with God's love. Imagine if both of you are not ready emotionally? It's easy to organize and set your wedding, but marriage? It's a lifelong commitment, and seriously you need to pray and fast for it.

Will a marriage ever work out?

- Marriage was designed by God for a purpose and pleasure. It will work out when the right time comes. Marriage is a sacred covenant. It's a commitment, and in any relationship... It involves a decision. Will it work out? Yes, it will... But it involves sacrifice.
Before you meet/be with that special someone, you need to learn the greatest love of all. It's called sacrificial love. Are you ready to sacrifice for others?

"He who finds a wife finds what is good
and receives favor from the Lord." Proverbs 18:22 NIV.

Wait for the right time. Don't decide on what you feel. Emotions don't last. But God's will and His plan for you is the best. He already reserved someone for you. You just have to wait and let Him work in your life.

Your sister in Christ,
Sette C.

 

[liannakeller]

A) If she feels INCREDIBLY ASHAMED, you shouldn't be posting it on the internet. How disrespectful of her feelings.
B) She does not, by any means, need to apologize to YOU or be sorry towards YOU. She sinned against God unknowingly because she wasn't a Christian, and she certainly did NOT sin against you having never even known you.
C) To perpetuate guilt is an act that the Devil does to tempt us. YOU are perpetuating her guilt.
D) She is now abstinent. Do you KNOW what the word repentance means?? It means turning away from your sin, not just repenting for it.
She turned away. It's over. She's forGIVEN. Wiped clean. White as snow. No longer in sin. It's. GONE. BAM. PERIOD. Let it go.
Sex isn't designed for marriage just because "ooooh it's a special thiiiing we're gonna have a special bonnnnd". Think about the practical purposes God designed it that way:
- security if she gets pregnant.
- one partner = no sexually transmitted diseases due to promiscuity.
- insecurity is washed away by a loving partner.
- COMMITMENT.
GET. OVER it.
P.S., make sure it's not a sin issue for you too...of jealousy. Of the guy before you. Because it sure sounds like it.

 

[Lilly Owl]

You said she lost her virginity before she became a Christian. If you hold virginity as the most important characteristic about her and that having been lost before she ever knew you is what makes all her other characteristics take a back seat, how could you ever think she might be the one? When you can't get past she had sex before you were ever a factor in her life.

And it was before she was a Christian. So then, if Jesus forgave her all her sins and transgressions and he got over it, why can't you?

 

[Avniel]

Three words: Get over it

Two words: perfect answer

Lets see if someone can bring us home with the one word lol.

To the OP dude you seem a little self centered. If that is who you want to marry you should love her unless the marriage is prearranged.

If you can't over look her sins like she overlooks yours then it might sound harsh but you don't deserve her and the most loving thing you could do is let her go so she can find a better man.