Marrying a Christian who is not a virgin.

[Gottservant]

You need to ask yourself "can I love her through her past lover?"

Cause that is what you will need to do, in some way.

Confirmation in a dream is a pretty clear way to get perspective, if you need it.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

I am dating an amazing girl who I feel like someday she could be the one for me. But she isn't a virgin and it tares me apart. It tares her apart to. She lost it a long time ago before she became faithful to God. I'm saving mine untill marriage and she so badly wishes she did too. She feel's so incredibly ashamed about it and we both wish more than anything that the past could be changed.

I'm worried though that i'll never be able to love her because of it. Will I always get this feeling that she can never fully love me either. Will this be an ongoing struggle if we were to marry? It just feels like we'll never be able to share a special bond..

Please I need advice on this, and stories and personal experiences. Should I look for a virgin? Or can I love someone who is not a virgin but so strongly regrets it. Is it possible to get rid of this feeling? Will a marriage ever work out? I want to love her but its so hard on both of us. I dont want her to feel like she's no good for me, because I have my faults too. But is this fair to me? Will we ever be able to share a special bond?

Thanks so much for the help. Please leave me your advice and pray for us! Thanks

i'm saying this out of love (and whenever someone says that to me i immediately know that it won't be pleasant, at least at first), but you are in judgment of her.

(Jas 2:10) For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all.

(Rom 2:1) Therefore thou art inexcusable, O man, whosoever thou art that judgest: for wherein thou judgest another, thou condemnest thyself; for thou that judgest doest the same things.

unless you're perfect and always have been (and we know that's not the case simply because you're not Jesus), then although you may still be a virgin from the standpoint of physical sex, you (like all of us except Jesus) have been adulterous toward God (Jas 2:10). the reason it bothers you that she is not a virgin 'physically' is because you are not a virgin 'spiritually' (Rom 2:1). humble yourself and realize that we are all equally adulterous in God's eyes, and His opinion is the one that will prevail. once you realize that your physical sexual purity is nothing more than paint on a tomb, her lack of 'physical' virginity will no longer bother you.

 

[Scott1979]

A) If she feels INCREDIBLY ASHAMED, you shouldn't be posting it on the internet. How disrespectful of her feelings.
B) She does not, by any means, need to apologize to YOU or be sorry towards YOU. She sinned against God unknowingly because she wasn't a Christian, and she certainly did NOT sin against you having never even known you.
C) To perpetuate guilt is an act that the Devil does to tempt us. YOU are perpetuating her guilt.
D) She is now abstinent. Do you KNOW what the word repentance means?? It means turning away from your sin, not just repenting for it.
She turned away. It's over. She's forGIVEN. Wiped clean. White as snow. No longer in sin. It's. GONE. BAM. PERIOD. Let it go.
Sex isn't designed for marriage just because "ooooh it's a special thiiiing we're gonna have a special bonnnnd". Think about the practical purposes God designed it that way:
- security if she gets pregnant.
- one partner = no sexually transmitted diseases due to promiscuity.
- insecurity is washed away by a loving partner.
- COMMITMENT.
GET. OVER it.
P.S., make sure it's not a sin issue for you too...of jealousy. Of the guy before you. Because it sure sounds like it.

I couldn't agree with this more if I had to. To emphasize a few of the points made:

1. You shouldn't have even posted this on the net. Go talk to your pastor or someone discreet but to put something like this that you say she is ashamed of on the net is just wrong, PERIOD.

2. She doesn't owe you an apology, shouldn't ask for your forgiveness or anything. She didn't offend you, cheat on you, or wrong you. Her past is excatly that, her PAST. It's between HER and GOD. She has asked for HIS forgiveness and that's all that counts.

3. You said in one post that you forgive her. That's a mute point if there ever was one. She hasn't done anything to you to require your forgiveness.

You need to do some soul searching about how you truly feel about this woman. You talk of a special bond but that comes from meeting someone, falling in love and making your own special moments together. Your still a virgin, good for you. Your still far from perfect. You need to get over yourself and grow up.

 

[HIS Geeky Girl]

I know this is an old, old thread, but the subject is still relevant and this question gets asked repeatedly. My response is to scroll up and read powerpoint's response as many times as necessary, he said it perfectly.

 

[TheyCallMeDave]

I am dating an amazing girl who I feel like someday she could be the one for me. But she isn't a virgin and it tares me apart. It tares her apart to. She lost it a long time ago before she became faithful to God. I'm saving mine untill marriage and she so badly wishes she did too. She feel's so incredibly ashamed about it and we both wish more than anything that the past could be changed.

I'm worried though that i'll never be able to love her because of it. Will I always get this feeling that she can never fully love me either. Will this be an ongoing struggle if we were to marry? It just feels like we'll never be able to share a special bond..

Please I need advice on this, and stories and personal experiences. Should I look for a virgin? Or can I love someone who is not a virgin but so strongly regrets it. Is it possible to get rid of this feeling? Will a marriage ever work out? I want to love her but its so hard on both of us. I dont want her to feel like she's no good for me, because I have my faults too. But is this fair to me? Will we ever be able to share a special bond?

Thanks so much for the help. Please leave me your advice and pray for us! Thanks

You should lean as heavily as you can on Gods will and leading in your life especially when it comes to marriage. If you do find a gal who loves the Lord , you both will eventually come to the day when you aire all your dirty laundry with one another -- its called baggage and we all have it. Weve all made bad decisions that have come with repercussions, even yourself.

But to answer your question, you have the freewill choice to determine what is absolutely necessary for you to have in a potential marriage mate . You should sit down and make up a CANNOT HAVE list concentrating on the real vital issues for yourself. It will require prayer and honesty with yourself . For me personally, finding a woman whos blown it in the sexual arena prior to Christ, would not be a deal breaker .

 

[Peripatetic]

True Christians marriage requires unconditional, sacrificial love. It is based on loving her the best way that that you can. The focus shouldn't be how she measures up to some standard.

It's a very difficult lesson, because the world's view is that it's all about what you deserve and whether she lives up to the ideals that you imagined the whole time you're married.

That said, you should still be practical and find someone that's a good match. Since you aren't already married, you can decide how much of a priority virginity is to you. But once you make the commitment, the focus should be on her (and your kids should you be blessed with them).

 

[rturner76]

It's just insecurity....get over it. The past has passed.

 

[Girder of Loins]

What's with all these necro-threads?