How to politely tell someone to stop talking about certain things so much.

[Migdala]

I got a divorce less than a year ago and I am very lonely-I go by Luke 16:18, which says that remarriage after divorce is adultery. So I will never date or remarry, according to my beliefs (not everyone agrees with my views and that's Ok)..... I don't want to talk about that topic though-it's already being discussed in another thread....

My question is about my new roommate. She is 23 years younger than me, and is "almost" engaged to her boyfriend. She is expecting him to ask her to marry him any day now.

Well, that's wonderful and everything, but it is ALL she talks about. Yes, I am serious when I say that. 24/7 nonstop talk about her boyfriend and how wonderful he is.

I'm happy for her, and I try to listen to her talk about her wedding gown, plans for her future, etc. etc....I make all the appropriate comments at the right time, I smile and share her joy....but sometimes I am so sad about my own loss of my husband that I have to go in my room and cry. I feel like I am being very selfish maybe?

Lately, her new thing is to play every single message he sends her on her phone, telling her about how much he loves her.

I know we, as Christians are supposed to share each other's joys, and I've sure been trying hard to do this with her.....but yeah, it is hard sometimes, especially after I've struggled and struggled to do work around the house that my ex husband used to do, or around holidays.

She does not help me with any housework, and I'm a lot older and have serious health conditions, so it's hard for me to be happy happy joy joy and I just want to be alone and not listen to all the mushy boyfriend talk over and over and over and over and over, every minute I am around her.

I've hinted around that I'm lonely and miss being married, hoping that she would maybe think to herself that she is hurting me by playing her voice messages to me and bragging about her boyfriend all the time.

At first I thought it was simply just her telling me about her life, but now I'm starting to think that she is purposely trying to hurt me because she also is constantly putting me down in little ways, and complaining a lot.

So I avoid her as much as possible.

Is there a nice way of letting her know that I don't mind hearing about her boyfriend and upcoming marriage plans every so often, but I don't want to hear her voice messages and I'd love to talk about something different every once in awhile?

She seems to be a moody person (I've only known her a month now) who complains a lot and I don't want to hurt her feelings in any way, or make her think she can't talk to me....I just wish she would consider my own feelings and what I've been through once in awhile. She is a Christian btw.

 

[znr]

You owe it to yourself to set boundaries, especially early on. These things, if left unchecked, can really create anxiety (for YOU). Talk to her soon because she obviously isn't getting the hint, and while you're at it, let her know how you feel about the little jabs. Maybe she's not aware she's being negative, maybe she is, but chances are she's not deliberately trying to hurt you (if she is, time to get another roommate). Lastly, taking part in her joy doesn't mean you have to listen to every message her BF sends her.

It doesn't really sound like a good match but then you chose her so maybe you can look at why you chose this particular person...there might be something about you that needs some work, too.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Maybe you should be happy for her instead of thinking about yourself.

 

[alan650]

I think the roommate is being the selfish one, Autumnleaf. She should consider for a second how you don't want to constantly hear about her "grand wonderful love" and should be more considerate when it comes to household chores as well.

I would sit her down and try to be as direct as possible and hopefully you can get through to her. If she is a true Christian she should feel guilty about her inconsiderate behavior and step up more as a responsible roomie.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I think the roommate is being the selfish one, Autumnleaf. She should consider for a second how you don't want to constantly hear about her "grand wonderful love" and should be more considerate when it comes to household chores as well.

I would sit her down and try to be as direct as possible and hopefully you can get through to her. If she is a true Christian she should feel guilty about her inconsiderate behavior and step up more as a responsible roomie.

Maybe she thinks her room mate is sad all the time and wants to share something she is happy about with her to try to cheer her up.

 

[BFine]

You need to tell her you don't want to listen to her voice-mail messages from her boyfriend and encourage new topics when you two are talking, if she won't take the bait then you need to make it clear to her that she is talking about her boyfriend/romance entirely too much and you would like to discuss other topics-- such as why she isn't doing her share of the household chores?

Set clear boundaries, so you don't end up getting on each others nerves.

If you are indeed getting depressed over your divorce, talk to someone(counselor) about those feelings.

 

[timf]

Is there a nice way of letting her know that I don't mind hearing about her boyfriend and upcoming marriage plans every so often, but I don't want to hear her voice messages and I'd love to talk about something different every once in awhile?

Younger people are often irritated when older people hijack their conversation to talk about things in which they are uninterested.

If when she is talking about her wedding plans, you start to talk about your wedding or you offer advice like, "I hope you don't regret the money you are spending now after you have been married for ten years", she may begin to see you as someone she is less interested in sharing with.

If she is a naturally chatty person, you may be able to deflect her from the wedding topic by asking her about some other subject.

You may want to explain in terms of your limitations. For example, "I am feeling a little down right now about my own marriage. Your enthusiasm for your own upcoming wedding is bringing my mind back to my own problems. I hope you don't mind if you could give me a few minutes, I would be more than happy to hear your news later.

 

[Avniel]

Maybe you should be happy for her instead of thinking about yourself.

I mean she's young and in love she's probably excited i think the op should share in her enjoyment vs looking at it negatively. She is being open

 

[iambren]

First, I think there is some truth to the adage "There is no roof big enough for two women to live under".

Second, when she's in her love-love jabby spells hold your hand up and say this (word for word) "You know, I'm so happy about all the joy, love , and wonderful plans you have with your boyfriend, but did you ever think how much it hurts me to listen when I LOST my love through divorce less than a year ago?". Then turn and walk away.

It sounds like she is young, naive, and unknowingly insensitive. Don't hint, speak directly.

 

[Catherineanne]

First, I think there is some truth to the adage "There is no roof big enough for two women to live under".

What twaddle.

The OP has the right to set boundaries on the relationship with her flatmate, just the same as if they were any other two people. To use this as an excuse for a misogynist comment is rather distasteful, imo.

 

[Catherineanne]

Is there a nice way of letting her know that I don't mind hearing about her boyfriend and upcoming marriage plans every so often, but I don't want to hear her voice messages and I'd love to talk about something different every once in awhile?

She seems to be a moody person (I've only known her a month now) who complains a lot and I don't want to hurt her feelings in any way, or make her think she can't talk to me....I just wish she would consider my own feelings and what I've been through once in awhile. She is a Christian btw.

I think you need to go out for lunch together and be honest with one another. There is a lot of hedging around honesty with both of you; time to find out whether you can be real friends or not. You both have feelings, and you both have sensitivities and vulnerabilities; if you can find a way to support one another, then that would be good.

If this young lady is moody, and persists in showing you her 'happy' texts, then it may well be the case that she has deep and persistent doubts about this relationship. She is not trying to convince you that she is happy, in other words, she is trying to convince herself.

Be a friend, spend some time really listening, rather than avoiding her, and see what happens. And be honest. Don't go out of your way to be blunt, but don't tell any lies either. The best relationships are founded on honesty, imo.

 

[aiki]

I agree with Catherineanne! I'd recommend you follow her advice.

Selah.

 

[JCFantasy23]

I think a lot of the issue may arise because of the extreme age difference.

 

[iambren]

I've seen/heard of too many gals, "best friends" get an apartment together or a dorm room that ended up arch enemies. "Roof too big enough" stands! So you have to nip this in the bud so a gracious out can be proffered.

 

[BFine]

Make sure your roommate isn't using her romance and constant conversation about it to put off doing her share of the household chores.

Having a roomie who doesn't his/her fair share has ruined many a relationship!
I know, because my best friend lived with me once and she wouldn't do any cleaning either.

 

[Migdala]

It doesn't really sound like a good match but then you chose her so maybe you can look at why you chose this particular person...there might be something about you that needs some work, too.

Have you ever tried to find a roommate these days? It's not at all easy-people want their own places, and not renting a room from someone. I am VERY blessed to have found anyone at all, because most of the people that have contacted me have been scam artists. I have to take what I can get, believe me. My own feelings and interests do not matter-I have to keep my home, and having a roommate is the only way I can do it since my salary does not cover my bills at all.

Yes, we ALL need some work on ourselves. ALL of us. Not just me. ALL of us. None of us are perfect.

 

[Migdala]

Maybe you should be happy for her instead of thinking about yourself.

How rude you are, Mr. happily married! Did I not say I was happy for her? Very Christian comments, but then you could not possibly understand what it is like to live my life, yet you are so quick to condemn, aren't you? Try walking in my shoes for a month and see how easy it is-then you would not be so quick to condemn me.

 

[Migdala]

I think the roommate is being the selfish one, Autumnleaf. She should consider for a second how you don't want to constantly hear about her "grand wonderful love" and should be more considerate when it comes to household chores as well.

I would sit her down and try to be as direct as possible and hopefully you can get through to her. If she is a true Christian she should feel guilty about her inconsiderate behavior and step up more as a responsible roomie.

Thank you so much for understanding! God bless you!

 

[Migdala]

Maybe she thinks her room mate is sad all the time and wants to share something she is happy about with her to try to cheer her up.

Nope, that's not it at all. I go out of my way to be "happy happy joy joy" around her. Even my next door neighbor said that all she does is talk about her boyfriend all the time, so I'm not the only one who notices.

 

[Migdala]

You need to tell her you don't want to listen to her voice-mail messages from her boyfriend and encourage new topics when you two are talking, if she won't take the bait then you need to make it clear to her that she is talking about her boyfriend/romance entirely too much and you would like to discuss other topics-- such as why she isn't doing her share of the household chores?

Set clear boundaries, so you don't end up getting on each others nerves.

If you are indeed getting depressed over your divorce, talk to someone(counselor) about those feelings.

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I am going to have to tell her that I don't want to hear the voice messages-I'm sure her boyfriend probably does not want them being played for everyone all the time either. I've been trying to be a good Christian and do her chores for her, but I am just physically not able, especially working a full time job. It's not so much the divorce I'm depressed over, it's the fact that I can never date or remarry, according to the Bible. And yes, I am seeing my minister at church for counseling about all the incredible stress in my life. I am beyond my breaking point. lol