Should you settle for someone you don't find attractive?

[er72]

You have? That actually surprises me. I've seen a lot of these types of threads and the kinds of posts that follow and usually (usually) they're typed by people who are inexperienced in the dating world. I think it is because there is a whole lot of time to be had to just sit, stew and obsess over things that other people simply do not - and it is usually because those people are too busy living. Too much time is obsessed over this whole looks thing when in the really-real world, if you've lived as long as you have you've no doubt seen and experienced people much like how Stravinsk talked about. It's just common sense, BUT if one is inexperienced, maybe anti-social or shy it might not seem like "common" sense to them.

That makes sense.

But I don't have a job and I'm done school, so I have all the time in the world to sit and think about this. That's probably why I lament so many problems of mine so much online. (After all, I'm not going to whine to my family and friends in real life about these things. They just argue back with me and tell me I'm good looking, so it gets me nowhere.)

I've yet to meet someone I find unattractive and then still, later, want to be with them because their personality was "so amazing." Not once. Call me shallow, I don't care, because 90% of humanity thinks the same way I do. I'm okay with it. As for my dating history, that is a whole other topic waiting to happen.

 

[darktipper]

Sparks usually die because of other things, not simply due to people growing "bored" with each other. Hence, you're right - people do need other things to maintain a relationship. That's not what this topic is about though.

It's about whether one should bother pursuing a relationship with someone who is unattractive to you. What do you think? Would you specifically go for someone you find unattractive initially?

I went out with a woman who I would not give a chance to but since I knew her for a while I decided to date her. I liked her as a person and not for her looks. She used to always feel like I was way better looking than her. I told her that it was not fully about looks for me but I guess dating a person more attractive or attractive can backfire still no matter what happens. Since it is getting warm, you can see who is more physically attractive due to women were less clothing and aim for the woman you want to date. Spring/Summer=a good time to date.

 

[er72]

I went out with a woman who I would not give a chance to but since I knew her for a while I decided to date her. I liked her as a person and not for her looks. She used to always feel like I was way better looking than her. I told her that it was not fully about looks for me but I guess dating a person more attractive or attractive can backfire still no matter what happens. Since it is getting warm, you can see who is more physically attractive due to women were less clothing and aim for the woman you want to date. Spring/Summer=a good time to date.

True.

The thing is, I would get tired of having to reassure someone with low self esteem that they're good looking. It's not my job to play therapist to her or constantly reassure her. So there does need to be equality to some level or one person is always going to be suffering.

 

[SneakerPimp53]

Well if I don't find her attractive, I won't want to touch her, so what sense would there be in being with someone I have no desire to touch? That seems a bit silly. Not only that, but I would be ashamed to bring home someone that is unattractive. I could only imagine the horror on my family's faces when they see what I 'settled' for. I also would have to be seen with her in public, and if she looks bad, that reflects very poorly on me too. It makes me feel awful and it is also unfair to her. Think about it, what is fair about me being with someone who I don't find appealing? She's going to know it. She's going to know I am repulsed by her, so what sense would that make, for us to even be together? Simply because "I don't want to be alone". That's foolishness. If that is your only real reason for settling, you're further off alone.

And maybe she's ashamed to bring home a guy that's 29 and unemployed. It could reflect badly on her that you're having dinner in the mall food court because you can't afford anything else.
I'm not saying you should settle to avoid being alone. I'm saying you should make a honest and objective evaluation of yourself, and what you offer. In doing so you may well discover that you aren't such a great catch yourself. Actually, I'm not telling you to settle at all. I'm pointing out that it sounds a great deal like you have a case of unreasonable expectations. Much like with anything else in life a part of emotional maturity is being reasonable with our expectations. So like I said, if you were going to get one of these women you wouldn't be here complaining about how you can't get one of these women. So it might well be time to reconsider where looks fall on the priority scale. If you want to stick to your guns then by all means do so, but at that point you should accept that the expectation is unreasonable and therefore it's perfectly reasonable that you don't have what you want.

 

[Blank123]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way that woman looks. That is why I would ask GUYS, not WOMEN if they find her attractive, because women have a tendency to have very 'different' views of what is appealing to men and what isn't.

I'm looking to connect with a female emotionally, spiritually, mentally AND physically, thereby making settling for someone plain or ugly impossible for me. Sorry.

I'd personally feel like I'm being short-changed by being with a woman I find physically unattractive. I would be thinking I deserved better and that I got gypped because I can't have someone I actually find attractive.

It probably IS in my best interests to settle and go for some "plain" or "ugly" girl, as suggested, but that is a difficult hurdle for me to cross. In some ways, I'd rather date guys over a female I do not find attractive. (No I'm not gay.)

I'm not sure if you're misunderstanding me, or trying to speak to something different because it backs up your own arguments, buuutt.... I never said settle and I never said just date the ugly/plain women.

What I did say was if you put connecting spiritually and emotionally on a higher level then what you appear to be doing now, you might surprise yourself by discovering that you can be physically attracted to women that the rest of the world might not find physically attractive.

I specifically said in my first post in this thread that it is a bad idea to date someone you're not physically attracted to. But if the stereotypical stripper look is what you're defining as the standard of beauty, and that is the kind of woman you're deadset on dating, and your mind is already made up on the subject... then I dunno if there's really much else to discuss.

 

[ohtoseehisface]

No. I think you need feel a certain degree of physical attraction for someone. That attraction can grow with time though so don't be closed off immediately to anything but your exact idea of what you want someone to look like.

 

[SweetDee]

Blind post

Finallly, a thread that's never been made before. *rolls eyes*

Yes, date someone you are not attracted to. Date her and lead her on even though in your eyes she is just merely adequate. That will go over real well and honor God at the same time. It's basically a win win.

 

[er72]

And maybe she's ashamed to bring home a guy that's 29 and unemployed. It could reflect badly on her that you're having dinner in the mall food court because you can't afford anything else.
I'm not saying you should settle to avoid being alone. I'm saying you should make a honest and objective evaluation of yourself, and what you offer. In doing so you may well discover that you aren't such a great catch yourself. Actually, I'm not telling you to settle at all. I'm pointing out that it sounds a great deal like you have a case of unreasonable expectations. Much like with anything else in life a part of emotional maturity is being reasonable with our expectations. So like I said, if you were going to get one of these women you wouldn't be here complaining about how you can't get one of these women. So it might well be time to reconsider where looks fall on the priority scale. If you want to stick to your guns then by all means do so, but at that point you should accept that the expectation is unreasonable and therefore it's perfectly reasonable that you don't have what you want.

Don't worry; I would never take a date to a cheap restaurant on a date. Unlike many people, I have class. Working or not, I am perfectly capable of providing a nice date. So fret not buddy.

Can you explain where my "unreasonable expectations" are, Mr. Optimist? You tell me, then, what is a reasonable expectation? Guy on the internet tells me to give up, so I'd best listen.

And I must ask: Why are you single? Since you have no trouble settling for ugly girls, why are you alone? Is a personality related issue for you? What is it?

I'm trying to wrap my head around settling for someone I don't like. Why even bother trying to find someone with a good personality either? Why not just take the first person who comes along? Makes sense to me. I would really like to know: HOW do you settle and not feel unhappy every minute of it? How do you lower your expectations and standards to the point where you'd honestly rather be alone, yet you still for some reason, choose to be with that person anyway? It sounds crazy to me.

 

[er72]

I'm not sure if you're misunderstanding me, or trying to speak to something different because it backs up your own arguments, buuutt.... I never said settle and I never said just date the ugly/plain women.

What I did say was if you put connecting spiritually and emotionally on a higher level then what you appear to be doing now, you might surprise yourself by discovering that you can be physically attracted to women that the rest of the world might not find physically attractive.

I specifically said in my first post in this thread that it is a bad idea to date someone you're not physically attracted to. But if the stereotypical stripper look is what you're defining as the standard of beauty, and that is the kind of woman you're deadset on dating, and your mind is already made up on the subject... then I dunno if there's really much else to discuss.

I doubt it. Either I'm attracted to someone or I'm not. There is no middle ground. If she's attractive physically, proceed to stage 2. If not, I have no desire to do so. I can't see that changing.

Where did I say that? I posted that picture as a joke mostly. I do think it's funny the one poster assumed that was me. Oh Lord. But seriously, it's difficult to define what my 'standard of beauty' is without someone posting pictures. But my question is, why on earth does it matter what I find attractive? I don't see anyone else's preferences being under attack. That would be a neat idea for a new thread though. I think we should post pictures of people we find attractive and have others criticize us for them! That sounds fun.

 

[MehTeh]

Well I've read all the posts in this thread and I'm still a little confused. There was a second person in that picture with the woman?

 

[Inkachu]

I wish this topic would just die. Everyone says "yes, I want someone that I find attractive" (except for me, of course) so why can't we just STOP rehashing?!

 

[kevlite2020]

I wish this topic would just die. Everyone says "yes, I want someone that I find attractive" (except for me, of course) so why can't we just STOP rehashing?!

 

[er72]

 

[darktipper]

Remember the story of Jacob and Rachel..... He wanted Rachel but ended up with her less attractive sister. Jacob worked even longer to get the hottie (Rachael) lol...... Nothing new........ Bad thing is that Jacob was cousins to his wives EEEEWWWWW lol

 

[er72]

Jacob got what he sowed because he scammed Esau out of his blessing. So Laban did the same to him in return. You reap what you sow, good or bad.

 

[darktipper]

Yep that story has so many meanings to it. He wanted the beauty and got her. But also if you read on she became obsessed with having a baby.....
Sometimes the hot women lack in other areas compared to the un attractive women. It is all about what you want in a person.... Then they become a 10/10.....

 

[GQ Chris]

Ask someone like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

 

[darktipper]

Ask someone like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Are you calling his wife to his mistress in the news ugly?
I am waiting on the other women to come forward.....

 

[SneakerPimp53]

Don't worry; I would never take a date to a cheap restaurant on a date. Unlike many people, I have class. Working or not, I am perfectly capable of providing a nice date. So fret not buddy.

I really don't care, you just missed the point. You do realize that for most women the dream guy isn't 29 and unemployed, right? So why should you expect a woman on the upper end of the scale when you're not on the upper end of the scale yourself?

Can you explain where my "unreasonable expectations" are, Mr. Optimist? You tell me, then, what is a reasonable expectation? Guy on the internet tells me to give up, so I'd best listen.

And I must ask: Why are you single? Since you have no trouble settling for ugly girls, why are you alone? Is a personality related issue for you? What is it?

I'm not single, engaged actually. I definitely did not settle, but I'm not the issue here because I'm not the guy that's whining on the internet that he can't get a date.
Your expectation is obviously unreasonable because you can't find what you want.

I'm trying to wrap my head around settling for someone I don't like. Why even bother trying to find someone with a good personality either? Why not just take the first person who comes along? Makes sense to me. I would really like to know: HOW do you settle and not feel unhappy every minute of it? How do you lower your expectations and standards to the point where you'd honestly rather be alone, yet you still for some reason, choose to be with that person anyway? It sounds crazy to me.

To be straightforward you have the emotional maturity of a teenager. The shallowness involved in believing you can't like someone just because they don't have a certain level of looks is hard to fathom coming from someone that's almost 30.
You can call it settling if you like, but the reality is settling is a part of every decision a person makes in life. I'd like to have a brand new Ferrari, but I don't. Yet I'm perfectly happy and grateful for the car I do have. I don't have a 10,000 square foot mansion, but I'm perfectly happy and grateful for the housing I do have. Basically, it's called growing up.

 

[LOVEthroughINTELLECT]

Do you think it's a good idea to settle for someone you don't think is attractive?...

I think that the reason this thread has not been productive is because it started with a hypothetical situation that does not correspond with anything in reality.

If a woman is that unattractive to you then it is highly unlikely that you will ever be in a situation where an intimate relationship with her can be formed.

Either she is attractive to you and you are interested in her but, for whatever reason, you think she is not enough or you are not interested in her, period.

If I am wrong and it is possible to be in a situation where someone of the opposite sex is completely unattractive to a person but an intimate relationship between them can be formed, please give us concrete examples. No hypotheticals. An arranged marriage, maybe?