Should you settle for someone you don't find attractive?

[BondiHarry]

I've always appreciated the line from the Robert Heinlein character Lazarus Long which went "a man doesn't demand physical beauty in a woman who builds up his morale, after a while he realizes she IS beautiful, he just hadn't noticed at first." If one only looks for the 'books' with beautiful covers and ignores the plain book covers they may in the end find they miss out on a lot of worthwhile reading.

 

[SneakerPimp53]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way that woman looks. That is why I would ask GUYS, not WOMEN if they find her attractive, because women have a tendency to have very 'different' views of what is appealing to men and what isn't.

I'm looking to connect with a female emotionally, spiritually, mentally AND physically, thereby making settling for someone plain or ugly impossible for me. Sorry.

I'd personally feel like I'm being short-changed by being with a woman I find physically unattractive. I would be thinking I deserved better and that I got gypped because I can't have someone I actually find attractive.

It probably IS in my best interests to settle and go for some "plain" or "ugly" girl, as suggested, but that is a difficult hurdle for me to cross. In some ways, I'd rather date guys over a female I do not find attractive. (No I'm not gay.)

Like with all things in life you either take something you can actually get, or you make do with nothing. But it appears you're willing to go beefcake, so I guess that leaves you a third path....... Maybe you'll find a really good looking [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse].

 

[er72]

Like with all things in life you either take something you can actually get, or you make do with nothing. But it appears you're willing to go beefcake, so I guess that leaves you a third path....... Maybe you'll find a really good looking [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse].

That's funny.

Your first statement is true, you get what you can get or you get nothing. Very true. We'll pass on the drag queen path thanks. My point is that there are some women out there that look worse than men, I've met them. Obviously I'm going to go with the "make do with nothing" path, what other choice is there for me?

I'm wondering though if everyone can just "take what they can get" then why is anyone single??? Barring extreme mental issues which most people do not have, no one should be single, unless they just like it better.

 

[Gabe7]

I think it depends on how late into the night it is. Once the party is over you're kind of left with what is there.

 

[er72]

I think it depends on how late into the night it is. Once the party is over you're kind of left with what is there.

I'm not talking about one night stands. I'm talking about starting a relationship with someone. Most men will go for anyone at all when it comes to a roll in the hay. (Women are a bit choosier on that.) But when it comes to establishing a real relationship, most men want an attractive girl. Can't say I blame them.

 

[SneakerPimp53]

That's funny.

Your first statement is true, you get what you can get or you get nothing. Very true. We'll pass on the drag queen path thanks. My point is that there are some women out there that look worse than men, I've met them. Obviously I'm going to go with the "make do with nothing" path, what other choice is there for me?

I'm wondering though if everyone can just "take what they can get" then why is anyone single??? Barring extreme mental issues which most people do not have, no one should be single, unless they just like it better.

Roughly 90% of Americans get married at some point. So when you throw out people with extreme mental or physical disabilities and people that are in relationships but don't believe in legal marriage then that's pretty much what you have: the people that want to be single. There's a small group of what I call "switchers," usually women, that switch to wanting a family life only when they realize they're not as successful in their careers as they'd hoped they'd be. But that was still a matter of choice for them.
Most people end up taking what they can get at some point, it's a bit unreasonable not do it. It's like going into your local BMW dealer with 10,000 dollars and demanding a new 7 series. Sure you can hold out for it, but you're never going to get it. So you find a car you can buy with your 10K because a Ford Focus is better than nothing at all. That's kind of the rub buddy: if you were going to get one of these uber-attractive women you wouldn't be on an internet forum talking about the issue. C'est la vie. The only question you really have to answer is the matter of whether feeling like you didn't settle is worth having nothing at all. A plain girl might be plain, but that's just over looking all the many qualities she does have.

 

[Gabe7]

I'm not talking about one night stands. I'm talking about starting a relationship with someone. Most men will go for anyone at all when it comes to a roll in the hay. (Women are a bit choosier on that.) But when it comes to establishing a real relationship, most men want an attractive girl. Can't say I blame them.

I was just kidding. I think physical attractiveness is very important when you first meet someone and its importance falls precipitously as you get to know them. My father always said, 'Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes clear to the bone.' I think there is more truth to that statement than I ever knew as a child.

 

[GQ Chris]

 

[MehGuy]

I'm not talking about one night stands. I'm talking about starting a relationship with someone. Most men will go for anyone at all when it comes to a roll in the hay. (Women are a bit choosier on that.) But when it comes to establishing a real relationship, most men want an attractive girl. Can't say I blame them.

Well just start working out like crazy and not look back. In a few years you should be able to get a decent chick. As long as there isn't any other extreme handicaps we don't know about. Maybe a little "bad boy" image could help as well.

Alright... everything will be fine...

 

[er72]

Hope they're married... The Bible says fornication is a sin.

 

[er72]

I was just kidding. I think physical attractiveness is very important when you first meet someone and its importance falls precipitously as you get to know them. My father always said, 'Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes clear to the bone.' I think there is more truth to that statement than I ever knew as a child.

That's definitely true.

But if you get sick at the thought of touching someone, I don't think there's going to be much in the future for a relationship like that. Can't someone be with someone else who is both physically and non-physically appealing? Or is that but a pipe dream? It's like you have to pick, personality OR looks, never both. I've met people who have had neither.

 

[darktipper]

That's definitely true.

But if you get sick at the thought of touching someone, I don't think there's going to be much in the future for a relationship like that. Can't someone be with someone else who is both physically and non-physically appealing? Or is that but a pipe dream? It's like you have to pick, personality OR looks, never both. I've met people who have had neither.

There are several places in the bible where each sex notices the attractiveness of each other. I think that too much focus on the physical turns into lust.

 

[er72]

Roughly 90% of Americans get married at some point. So when you throw out people with extreme mental or physical disabilities and people that are in relationships but don't believe in legal marriage then that's pretty much what you have: the people that want to be single. There's a small group of what I call "switchers," usually women, that switch to wanting a family life only when they realize they're not as successful in their careers as they'd hoped they'd be. But that was still a matter of choice for them.
Most people end up taking what they can get at some point, it's a bit unreasonable not do it. It's like going into your local BMW dealer with 10,000 dollars and demanding a new 7 series. Sure you can hold out for it, but you're never going to get it. So you find a car you can buy with your 10K because a Ford Focus is better than nothing at all. That's kind of the rub buddy: if you were going to get one of these uber-attractive women you wouldn't be on an internet forum talking about the issue. C'est la vie. The only question you really have to answer is the matter of whether feeling like you didn't settle is worth having nothing at all. A plain girl might be plain, but that's just over looking all the many qualities she does have.

Well if I don't find her attractive, I won't want to touch her, so what sense would there be in being with someone I have no desire to touch? That seems a bit silly. Not only that, but I would be ashamed to bring home someone that is unattractive. I could only imagine the horror on my family's faces when they see what I 'settled' for. I also would have to be seen with her in public, and if she looks bad, that reflects very poorly on me too. It makes me feel awful and it is also unfair to her. Think about it, what is fair about me being with someone who I don't find appealing? She's going to know it. She's going to know I am repulsed by her, so what sense would that make, for us to even be together? Simply because "I don't want to be alone". That's foolishness. If that is your only real reason for settling, you're further off alone.

 

[er72]

There are several places in the bible where each sex notices the attractiveness of each other. I think that too much focus on the physical turns into lust.

You're supposed to have lust (desire / attraction / passion) for each other. Or do you fancy dead, lifeless marriages void of any real spark?

 

[er72]

Have you ever found yourself attracted to someone who you originally *did not*find attractive initially?

No.

I mean in the looks department. Like they were not *unattractive* but their looks didn't WOW you?

No.

Conversely, have you ever found yourself repulsed by someone who you initially found attractive physically?

Yes. A bad personality can ruin the prettiest of faces. But a nice personality cannot make an ugly person not ugly, unfortunately.

I know I have on both counts.

People say "valuing looks is shallow" because on a certain level it is true.

Then most people are shallow...

I don't really see it as someone being "not unattractive but not ugly." Either you're good looking or you aren't in my eyes. It's like being male or female. You're either a man or a woman. You can't be part male and part female. You're one or the other. You cannot be both. If you're good looking, you're attractive and not ugly, and vice versa. Anything within those degrees is minor and mostly irrelevant. If you like someone and they're attractive, they pass. If you don't and they are not attractive, they do not pass. It's like with God, either you're saved. Or you're not. You're not "a little" saved. You're either under the blood or you're not. No middle ground.

 

[white dove]

Perhaps I missed a post of yours, but... OP, have you ever dated before? I think your answer would explain a lot (to be presumptuous).

 

[er72]

Perhaps I missed a post of yours, but... OP, have you ever dated before? I think your answer would explain a lot (to be presumptuous).

Hmm, this is interesting. I would like to know more about this.

How would me having dated before help you explain "a lot?" Can you be more clear?

 

[darktipper]

You're supposed to have lust (desire / attraction / passion) for each other. Or do you fancy dead, lifeless marriages void of any real spark?

To lust after a woman you want to date=bad *people tend to jump into bad relationships)
To lust after your wife=can be good if not taken to the extreme

sparks tend to die in relationships. There better be something else both parties can focus on other than the physical or else the relationship is dead lust or no lust.

 

[er72]

To lust after a woman you want to date=bad *people tend to jump into bad relationships)
To lust after your wife=can be good if not taken to the extreme

sparks tend to die in relationships. There better be something else both parties can focus on other than the physical or else the relationship is dead lust or no lust.

Sparks usually die because of other things, not simply due to people growing "bored" with each other. Hence, you're right - people do need other things to maintain a relationship. That's not what this topic is about though.

It's about whether one should bother pursuing a relationship with someone who is unattractive to you. What do you think? Would you specifically go for someone you find unattractive initially?

 

[white dove]

Hmm, this is interesting. I would like to know more about this.

How would me having dated before help you explain "a lot?" Can you be more clear?

You have? That actually surprises me. I've seen a lot of these types of threads and the kinds of posts that follow and usually (usually) they're typed by people who are inexperienced in the dating world. I think it is because there is a whole lot of time to be had to just sit, stew and obsess over things that other people simply do not - and it is usually because those people are too busy living. Too much time is obsessed over this whole looks thing when in the really-real world, if you've lived as long as you have you've no doubt seen and experienced people much like how Stravinsk talked about. It's just common sense, BUT if one is inexperienced, maybe anti-social or shy it might not seem like "common" sense to them.