Dating: How to Turn Down Non-Christians??

[vesperluna]

I often get asked out by non-Christians, and never know how to turn them down lovingly. Any advice, tips or experience?

And just to clarify if I sound cruel: you may not agree with my decision, but I wont date non-Christians. This is because I don't think you should date somebody who you can't marry. And the Bible tells us that God doesn't permit non-Christians and Christians to marry. However, I will love them, invite them to church, and just be a good friend- I have to leave the rest to God: the guy will become a Christian if it's in His will.

 

[TheDag]

I often get asked out by non-Christians, and never know how to turn them down lovingly. Any advice, tips or experience?

And just to clarify if I sound cruel: you may not agree with my decision, but I wont date non-Christians. This is because I don't think you should date somebody who you can't marry. And the Bible tells us that God doesn't permit non-Christians and Christians to marry. However, I will love them, invite them to church, and just be a good friend- I have to leave the rest to God: the guy will become a Christian if it's in His will.

My now wife once asked me which way I would prefer to be broken up with if a girl was to break up with me. She gave me two options to choose from. I chose neither. Instead I said I would rather not be broken up with at all because it is painful. Likewise you can't be too concerned about hurting their feelings. Certainly don't say take a hike but it will hurt when you say no regardless of how you say it.

Sadly my wife doesn't visit CF anymore or I would get here to give some suggestions. In the end you need to be firm and say something like "sorry but no. I am happy to be friends if you want. Some guys will walk away and never talk to you again and that is ok because it is their choice and much better that you don't lead them on in the hope they become christian. Other guys will be able to accept that and remain friends although sadly they are rare. If they do stick around you just need to be vigilant to make sure their intentions are for friendship only and if they push for more then you need to step away from the friendship. A warning first would be nice of course. For this you need to work out what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't.

 

[vesperluna]

Thankyou I hadn't thought of it that way, very helpful! And I also hadn't thought about being careful about my behaviour like that...I think I often give the wrong impression without realising it. I spose I will have to work hard on that. Thanks again!

Ps. I like your tag-line thing about tradition- totally agree!

 

[Aibrean]

Just say spiritual compatibility is very important to you and it's something you need to share.

 

[DoctorJosh]

I often get asked out by non-Christians, and never know how to turn them down lovingly. Any advice, tips or experience?

And just to clarify if I sound cruel: you may not agree with my decision, but I wont date non-Christians. This is because I don't think you should date somebody who you can't marry. And the Bible tells us that God doesn't permit non-Christians and Christians to marry. However, I will love them, invite them to church, and just be a good friend- I have to leave the rest to God: the guy will become a Christian if it's in His will.

Well I would say you just need to be frank, blunt and don't feel bad about saying no. You don't need to give them a reason, which some will ask why, but if you do that is up to you. It is very hard trying to be nice or polite when saying no to someone. Some even say, No, I am sorry. Which there is no reason to be sorry for saying no.
Even if they think you are mean, stuck up or what ever they want to think, that is up to them. You are not trying to impress them or make them happy, but you are doing what is right for you.

Don't feel bad about saying no to anyone who asks you out. No need to worry about explaining yourself after the fact either. You are doing the right thing thinking about your future and your future with God.
Those that ask you out will always find someone else to date and marry. All you are doing is making the right choices to ensure you live a life for God. Very well done, I wish there were more out there like you everywhere.

 

[heron]

Instead I said I would rather not be broken up with at all because it is painful.

You are not trying to impress them or make them happy, but you are doing what is right for you. ...I wish there were more out there like you everywhere.

Good points. I don't think you need to explain anything -- just say you'd rather stay friends, and leave it at that.

If you tell them that you only date Christians, then some poor guy is bound to jump over hoops to look Christian until he can win your favor. Then you would have to face the decision to judge whether he really is or not... or maybe not find out until you're serious that he was living a lie...or maybe you will have a stalker who won't give up striving to please you.

Or after dating seriously he might be angry that he had sacrificed a lot for you... lol, I am stretching this scenario too far. It's just better to be willing to turn down dates if you are not comfortable dating someone.

 

[gzt]

Don't feel bad about saying no. Don't give reasons, don't give second chances, and don't offer to stay friends afterward unless you already had a friendship of sorts. If they really want to know a reason, you can tell them.

And this is very important, don't try to couch it as, "You're a great guy, there are lots of great things about you, you're awesome, let's be friends, I can't date you." If he wanted a woman who isn't romantically interested in him to tell him how awesome he is, he could call up his mother.

Here's the thing: men don't have feelings. So don't worry about hurting them. Okay, that's not quite right, but men have a hard enough time reading what a girl is telling them without all these complicated added things. They really do just want to be told, "Sorry, not interested, bye (forever, most likely)."

 

[gzt]

Though, really, if you're going to turn people down for not being Christian, I do recommend actually knowing whether or not they are a Christian rather than presuming. If you're not sure, you may as well give them the benefit of the doubt for one date.

 

[Kyle B]

Though, really, if you're going to turn people down for not being Christian, I do recommend actually knowing whether or not they are a Christian rather than presuming. If you're not sure, you may as well give them the benefit of the doubt for one date.

This is a good point.


How do you exactly know that they're Christian? Do you ask? It's a touchy thing to ask people about and it's hard to know for sure.

 

[Macx]

If you tell them that you only date Christians, then some poor guy is bound to jump over hoops to look Christian until he can win your favor. Then you would have to face the decision to judge whether he really is or not... or maybe not find out until you're serious that he was living a lie...or maybe you will have a stalker who won't give up striving to please you.

Or after dating seriously he might be angry that he had sacrificed a lot for you... lol, I am stretching this scenario too far. It's just better to be willing to turn down dates if you are not comfortable dating someone.

Heron had wise words.


I have to respond as a father, wanting the best for my daughter. First, I hope when my daughter gets old enough to date that her heart is for the Lord and will think to ask such questions. I'd say go ahead and date the ones that say they are Christian and the ones who seem like they might be. Part of dating is finding out about the character of the other person. I understand not dating anyone you wouldn't maybe marry, but on a certain level you have to try dating some losers before you'll find the winner. A date is a fine time to talk about faith & when you find someone not compatible, you don't have to go on a second date with them. Lastly I'd like to encourage you to stick to your guns on this. My wife and I are vastly different and like a dating site or something would say we are 100% incompatible, but on matters of faith we are 100% in harmony & we've learned to let the other one balance our extremes in every other area. Our faith holds us together and strengthens us as a couple. . . we've been through some incredible stuff, hard stuff, and being likeminded on matters of faith has kept us growwing stronger, not just kept us together, but stronger. It is important and you are right to treat it as such.

 

[Sophrosyne]

Ask him if he wants to be with you in the next life or not, then you can pin him to the wall and if he doesn't believe then you may not see him after you both pass away.... and your believing children may not see him either. There are a lot of people that struggle with unbelieving spouses not being together with them in the next life when they start getting older.

 

[UnionJack]

Ask him if he likes/loves God more than you..

 

[TheDag]

Thankyou I hadn't thought of it that way, very helpful! And I also hadn't thought about being careful about my behaviour like that...I think I often give the wrong impression without realising it. I spose I will have to work hard on that. Thanks again!

Ps. I like your tag-line thing about tradition- totally agree!

As far as watching your behaviour it is a fine line. I don't believe a woman should have to stop being friendly in general simply because a guy can't understand no. It is more on a case by case basis with each individual that you need to decide on appropiate behaviour. As a personal example I had not seen a female co-worker for some time. When I went into work the other day she gave me a hug which is fine by both me and more importantly my wife. However if it had been a new female staff member ding the same thing I would have actively moved away from them because there would not be the understanding. So sometimes the same situation calls for a different response.


Also pray that God would show you who it is he wants you to marry. I know many scoff at this idea but it does work. God bought my wife and me together. He seperated us when I turned my back on him (after warning me) then six or so years later we got back together and are going strong because we both give God the first priority in our lives.


Another good test is to see if you can find out would he be happy if the relationship ended up as just friends. if not then beware. That is also a good question to ask yourself when going out with any guy.

 

[Sketcher]

Just say "no," that's all a guy needs to know. You might go as far to say as he's not your type. But you don't need to advertise that you're turning him down for religious reasons. I really don't see any good that can come of it in this culture. The shorter your turning him down is, the better.

However, I will love them, invite them to church, and just be a good friend- I have to leave the rest to God: the guy will become a Christian if it's in His will.

To be honest, even that might be too far at this stage in your life. He may well think you're asking him out on a "church date," and may see it as an opportunity to get closer to you, rather than to God. You don't want to send mixed signals.

 

[vesperluna]

To be honest, even that might be too far at this stage in your life. He may well think you're asking him out on a "church date," and may see it as an opportunity to get closer to you, rather than to God. You don't want to send mixed signals.

This is true I guess...hadn't really thought of it that way.

My thinking was just that it might be helpful to invite him to church or some other church situation where he would hear the gospel, such as a university Christian meeting or bible study. Because doesn't he deserve the chance at a relationship with God? It just seems sad to reject him, and then not even bother to explain or show why my beliefs are so important to me, especially if he would be interested.

But I suppose if it seems like he would take that as 'being lead on' by me, then you're right, it wouldn't be loving to do to him. I guess in that situation I would just have to trust that God is in control and has the guy in his hands. I would just need to pray for him and trust that God will use other people to execute his will...

A good thought, thanks for that!

 

[sbbqb7n16]

My thinking was just that it might be helpful to invite him to church or some other church situation where he would hear the gospel, such as a university Christian meeting or bible study. Because doesn't he deserve the chance at a relationship with God? It just seems sad to reject him, and then not even bother to explain or show why my beliefs are so important to me, especially if he would be interested.

While you see "trying to lead him to Christ" he would see "try to spend some time together to get to know each other more, preferably in a safe place like a church - then maybe." And he would think he has hope. He wouldn't be thinking about God - he'd be thinking about you.

So if rejection is sad, should you just agree to date anyone and everyone who asks? Rejection happens. People aren't your type. People aren't always interested. They'll live.

If you don't just want to say "no" and want to give a reason - tell him "I don't like you like that, you're not my type." If he asks, "well what is your type?" then tell him something along Aibrean's "spiritual compatability" thing. "I like Christian guys who love the Lord."

If he tries to act like he's really a Christian - test him real quick. "Really? What's your favorite Bible verse? Where do you go to church? Who was (random bible person he should know if he's truly been going to church like he'll tell you he has - ie. Paul, Abraham, Peter, etc.)?" He'll likely not be able to answer them and you can say "see - you're not my type." Or ask him to tell you what he thinks about Jesus - his answer will probably shed some light on where he stands with God.

Be honest and don't let yourself guilt yourself into a date you don't want to have. That will just be bad for both of you.

 

[TheDag]

except i know some people who know the bible better than some christians so it isn't a real good test to be honest.

 

[heron]

Here's the thing: men don't have feelings. So don't worry about hurting them. Okay, that's not quite right, but men have a hard enough time reading what a girl is telling them without all these complicated added things. They really do just want to be told, "Sorry, not interested, bye (forever, most likely)."

Wow, that's good for women to know.

I don't think every Christian is necessarily fair game either. A partnership that could become lifelong is a big deal -- one of the biggest decisions that will impact every area of your life. There are believers out there who believe they are correct in their religion, but who won't have your best interests at heart.

Enjoy the process of finding a good match. Enjoy the friendships you have that are not good matches. Make use of opportunities and situations that are in front of you, to develop skills you will need later.

 

[Sketcher]

If he asks, "well what is your type?" then tell him something along Aibrean's "spiritual compatability" thing. "I like Christian guys who love the Lord."

If he tries to act like he's really a Christian - test him real quick. "Really? What's your favorite Bible verse? Where do you go to church? Who was (random bible person he should know if he's truly been going to church like he'll tell you he has - ie. Paul, Abraham, Peter, etc.)?" He'll likely not be able to answer them and you can say "see - you're not my type." Or ask him to tell you what he thinks about Jesus - his answer will probably shed some light on where he stands with God.

Yeah, if he has to ask what your type is, more often than not he's going to try to act like he is your type. You won't be getting the real him, in all likelihood.

Some of the people who make me mentally facepalm the most are the people who abuse drugs, have all kinds of irresponsible sex, and then make big, bold claims about their faith and how they would die for Jesus.

 

[sleavie]

Firstly, Pray.

God wants to discuss these things with you.

To me, Love is way more important that if they are currently believers since God may have this perfect person for you and you turn them down because they aren't Christian. Then that person misses out on seeing how awesome God is in your life and you miss out on an God blessed relationship with a Christan you adore.

Go with Love. God is love so go with love.

But for sure, Pray.