I'm exhausted. Spiritually, emotionally, physically. I've had a tiresome life and I ran into a wall.
When I first got saved, that wasn't a gradual event, it was instant. God just proved His existance to me, told me to believe in Jesus, and it was the happiest moment in my life. It was so amazing, beyond anything I could ever describe. I felt loved for the first time in my life, and I fixed my eyes on Jesus and refused to look back (I later did, because I had to face my past, but I never wanted to go back there, it's not worth it). It took me some time to understand who Jesus was, and I was misled a lot, but I knew I had to do what Jesus taught us and everything would be fine.
But the thought of Heaven scared me. I didn't want eternal life. I was already so tired from my past. I had been fighting for my life, against depression, anxiety, madness and trauma that was haunting me, doing everything to numb my pain, but only ever getting worse. The thought of living forever made me try to reject God. I said to Him "I'll follow Jesus wherever He goes, because I love Him and everything He is, but I don't want to go to Heaven. Please, send me into outer space instead or to Hell!" God bargained with my broken soul and told me that me coming to Heaven would be His gift for Himself, because I was His workmanship. I couldn't refuse that, so I accepted it. But, I was never gonna talk to a single person!! I was so stubborn.
I was at a place where I had to take life one day at a time, fighting the urge to give up by just keeping my eyes on Christ. He really did save my life back then, and He has kept saving it. He made everything beautiful, like an adventure that I could enjoy, even when nothing made sense, revealing Himself to me a little bit everyday. He is so good! I lost my way for a while, battling fear and doubts, but God pulled me right back into His arms.
Then last year happened. It was one loooong trial through fire. It fixed everything! Hallelujah! I wish I could share all of it! What God did for me was so amazing! And I've only been growing since then, like momentum. Running towards Jesus as fast as I can! I am so grateful for everything that He has done for me. Overwhelmed with joy and love. Despite everything that I have done to Him. Overwhelmed with grief and pain. Comforted. All I want is Him, and although I've failed so much, He just keeps pulling me closer and closer.
After a lot of amazing events, and getting to know a bunch of wonderful Christians, now I can't wait to go to Heaven. Today, my eyes are not only on Jesus, but on Heaven, on our High calling in Christ. On eternity. There is no preaching of the Gospel without the promise of Heaven. My stubbornness had to leave. And I feel alive in Christ in ways beyond what I could have ever understood before.
But I hit a wall this week. As I realized how much God has given me, and how much He has in store for me, I also realized that I'm still so tired. The journey that is before me is looooong! I'm so willing and I'm looking forward to all of it. Walking like Jesus, in Him, being like Him to the world, doing the things He did and greater. Feeding the poor, healing the sick, opening the eyes of the blind, casting out devils and setting captives free, doing mighty miracles, prophecying, caring for the widows and the fatherless, winning souls and teaching those who are lost how to come back to Christ, equipping the workers of the Gospel. (I know that was jumbled, but that's how my mind sees it, and it's so much to do!). It's a whole lot of work. Responsibility. And I'm still so young. I felt like God was giving me a huge "SLOW DOWN!!!" yesterday. He has been telling me for months now to rest, and I haven't. Too eager. And I've been running from my past. It was too difficult to face. But I faced it. And I faced the devil who was chasing me. And God crushed him for me. I've been set free! I don't need to run any longer. I ran too fast, and I fell to the ground, Jesus behind me. Then I walked too slow, and I could no longer keep up. Then I stopped entirely and tried to leave, went my own way and got lost. I've now caught up with Jesus and now I need to learn how to keep a steady pace.
So much have happened that I need to process, and there is so much I need to learn.
But Sweden is literally on fire, forest fires due to a heatwave that I'm pretty sure God sent to show His wrath towards this ungodly country. Not sure anyone else understands that over here, but we had a drought last summer as well, and when I prayed for rain, I was told that God was cursing the nation so I could see it, and it rained only where I was and nowhere else, but it stopped if I went outside... He also sent a lot of snow on Easter, when Swedes basically worship the devil, and it's a day where everyone likes to eat outside, because it's usually spring weather. It made me happy to know that God is in control and not letting evil control this country completely, and it also reminded me of Isaiah 1:18 for my own life at the time (I was hiding my sins and refusing to show Him out of shame). That's how I knew that God had a lot of work for me to do over here, because He showed me a lot of what He feels about Sweden. It is so fallen. I've only met a few other real Christians. So how can I slow down? How do I balance this sense of urgency and the need to rest? And how do I keep myself from giving up? What He has shown me is too much!!! Lord, I'm only three years old, with an emotional maturity of a teenager! I can't even take care of myself!!! Why did you do all of this??? What's happening?!??!
When I first got saved, that wasn't a gradual event, it was instant. God just proved His existance to me, told me to believe in Jesus, and it was the happiest moment in my life. It was so amazing, beyond anything I could ever describe. I felt loved for the first time in my life, and I fixed my eyes on Jesus and refused to look back (I later did, because I had to face my past, but I never wanted to go back there, it's not worth it). It took me some time to understand who Jesus was, and I was misled a lot, but I knew I had to do what Jesus taught us and everything would be fine.
But the thought of Heaven scared me. I didn't want eternal life. I was already so tired from my past. I had been fighting for my life, against depression, anxiety, madness and trauma that was haunting me, doing everything to numb my pain, but only ever getting worse. The thought of living forever made me try to reject God. I said to Him "I'll follow Jesus wherever He goes, because I love Him and everything He is, but I don't want to go to Heaven. Please, send me into outer space instead or to Hell!" God bargained with my broken soul and told me that me coming to Heaven would be His gift for Himself, because I was His workmanship. I couldn't refuse that, so I accepted it. But, I was never gonna talk to a single person!! I was so stubborn.
I was at a place where I had to take life one day at a time, fighting the urge to give up by just keeping my eyes on Christ. He really did save my life back then, and He has kept saving it. He made everything beautiful, like an adventure that I could enjoy, even when nothing made sense, revealing Himself to me a little bit everyday. He is so good! I lost my way for a while, battling fear and doubts, but God pulled me right back into His arms.Then last year happened. It was one loooong trial through fire. It fixed everything! Hallelujah! I wish I could share all of it! What God did for me was so amazing! And I've only been growing since then, like momentum. Running towards Jesus as fast as I can! I am so grateful for everything that He has done for me. Overwhelmed with joy and love. Despite everything that I have done to Him. Overwhelmed with grief and pain. Comforted. All I want is Him, and although I've failed so much, He just keeps pulling me closer and closer.
After a lot of amazing events, and getting to know a bunch of wonderful Christians, now I can't wait to go to Heaven. Today, my eyes are not only on Jesus, but on Heaven, on our High calling in Christ. On eternity. There is no preaching of the Gospel without the promise of Heaven. My stubbornness had to leave. And I feel alive in Christ in ways beyond what I could have ever understood before.
But I hit a wall this week. As I realized how much God has given me, and how much He has in store for me, I also realized that I'm still so tired. The journey that is before me is looooong! I'm so willing and I'm looking forward to all of it. Walking like Jesus, in Him, being like Him to the world, doing the things He did and greater. Feeding the poor, healing the sick, opening the eyes of the blind, casting out devils and setting captives free, doing mighty miracles, prophecying, caring for the widows and the fatherless, winning souls and teaching those who are lost how to come back to Christ, equipping the workers of the Gospel. (I know that was jumbled, but that's how my mind sees it, and it's so much to do!). It's a whole lot of work. Responsibility. And I'm still so young. I felt like God was giving me a huge "SLOW DOWN!!!" yesterday. He has been telling me for months now to rest, and I haven't. Too eager. And I've been running from my past. It was too difficult to face. But I faced it. And I faced the devil who was chasing me. And God crushed him for me. I've been set free! I don't need to run any longer. I ran too fast, and I fell to the ground, Jesus behind me. Then I walked too slow, and I could no longer keep up. Then I stopped entirely and tried to leave, went my own way and got lost. I've now caught up with Jesus and now I need to learn how to keep a steady pace.
So much have happened that I need to process, and there is so much I need to learn.
But Sweden is literally on fire, forest fires due to a heatwave that I'm pretty sure God sent to show His wrath towards this ungodly country. Not sure anyone else understands that over here, but we had a drought last summer as well, and when I prayed for rain, I was told that God was cursing the nation so I could see it, and it rained only where I was and nowhere else, but it stopped if I went outside... He also sent a lot of snow on Easter, when Swedes basically worship the devil, and it's a day where everyone likes to eat outside, because it's usually spring weather. It made me happy to know that God is in control and not letting evil control this country completely, and it also reminded me of Isaiah 1:18 for my own life at the time (I was hiding my sins and refusing to show Him out of shame). That's how I knew that God had a lot of work for me to do over here, because He showed me a lot of what He feels about Sweden. It is so fallen. I've only met a few other real Christians. So how can I slow down? How do I balance this sense of urgency and the need to rest? And how do I keep myself from giving up? What He has shown me is too much!!! Lord, I'm only three years old, with an emotional maturity of a teenager! I can't even take care of myself!!! Why did you do all of this??? What's happening?!??!
