Dear Lord,
this blog is a diary. It describes this journey, and it has been a difficult and scaring journey so far. But you know, Lord, I am always honest to You. I describe my true feelings here. I describe my doubts, my sadness. I have been disappointed because it looks like this somehow offends people here. It looks like I am always expected to look perfect or speak perfectly. I have to speak "Evangelical Christianese". But I am not like that to You. I open my heart and I am not scared to be myself. People write comments here but then erase them. They do not want to look like they actually enjoy a not "politically correct" blog entry. Or they just lecture me. I am not here to be lectured, and the only one who can lecture me is You, Lord. I cannot tell You anything but the truth. If I feel scared or lonely, if I am afraid, I am going to tell You the truth, and if I look like "not having the perfect faith" so be it. If I do not write the correct "Evangelical Christianese" words, so be it. If I am scared, i will shout to You "I am scared, Lord! I am crying! Help me!" I am not going to repeat words like "I know everything will be okay" if I do not feel them. I know that my faith must not be based on feelings. I know my faith is based on facts. Your help is a fact. Your presence is a fact, Your love is a fact. Even if I do not feel these things they are indeed true. I know that. But when everything is collapsing around me, You allow me to be human. Well, many people here do not allow me to be human. They are here to remind me what I should or should not write, or feel.
But we need love.
There are too many gurus, and not enough examples.
I just feel that a Christian blog should be a place where I can cry to my Lord without being judged for that. And one day reading these pages I will be able to glorify You, Lord , once again. Because You will help me and rescue me even if my faith is not perfect.
Because You love me.
You know how my husband's health have been deteriorating and how hard is it to be forced to be far from him. You know how difficult things are, financially and psychologically. You know how hard and long is this waiting time.
I know You know.
I trust You, lord. Once again. And for ever.
this blog is a diary. It describes this journey, and it has been a difficult and scaring journey so far. But you know, Lord, I am always honest to You. I describe my true feelings here. I describe my doubts, my sadness. I have been disappointed because it looks like this somehow offends people here. It looks like I am always expected to look perfect or speak perfectly. I have to speak "Evangelical Christianese". But I am not like that to You. I open my heart and I am not scared to be myself. People write comments here but then erase them. They do not want to look like they actually enjoy a not "politically correct" blog entry. Or they just lecture me. I am not here to be lectured, and the only one who can lecture me is You, Lord. I cannot tell You anything but the truth. If I feel scared or lonely, if I am afraid, I am going to tell You the truth, and if I look like "not having the perfect faith" so be it. If I do not write the correct "Evangelical Christianese" words, so be it. If I am scared, i will shout to You "I am scared, Lord! I am crying! Help me!" I am not going to repeat words like "I know everything will be okay" if I do not feel them. I know that my faith must not be based on feelings. I know my faith is based on facts. Your help is a fact. Your presence is a fact, Your love is a fact. Even if I do not feel these things they are indeed true. I know that. But when everything is collapsing around me, You allow me to be human. Well, many people here do not allow me to be human. They are here to remind me what I should or should not write, or feel.
But we need love.
There are too many gurus, and not enough examples.
I just feel that a Christian blog should be a place where I can cry to my Lord without being judged for that. And one day reading these pages I will be able to glorify You, Lord , once again. Because You will help me and rescue me even if my faith is not perfect.
Because You love me.
You know how my husband's health have been deteriorating and how hard is it to be forced to be far from him. You know how difficult things are, financially and psychologically. You know how hard and long is this waiting time.
I know You know.
I trust You, lord. Once again. And for ever.
