I don't really know how to write this post. All I know is that I really want to let my feelings out.
I had a very, very terrible childhood. It was traumatizing: bullying, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, loneliness and isolation. I had no one to talk to, so I kept every single feeling bottled up inside. My teenage years were even worse, and nothing got better as an adult. In fact, I was so broken that anytime I tried to make my life better, I always made it worse. I was in such darkness, always depressed, anxious and suicidal. I ended up doing witchcraft when I was 12 years old, which of course made everything worse, was stuck in a truly horrible fantasy world (that wasn't imaginary) and no way of getting out.
Then the Lord came, and He has made it all better. He has healed me from so much, so praise Him! But I'm still so traumatized deep inside. It keeps piling up!
I have no way of discerning my own feelings. I was in such a bad state before Jesus came into my life, I was like a zombie, just filled with hatred and anger, because I had turned off my feelings so well. I was a reprobate.
So the Lord has to tell me what I'm feeling, because otherwise I have no idea... it has been like this since I got saved, and it's good, because I have to rely on Him for everything. I got so close to Jesus so fast, and I grew in Him quickly. So it has it's advantages. But it's difficult, and a struggle each day.
And when it comes to other people... I try my hardest. I do my best to love them, and forgive them, basically give them what Jesus has given me. Correct them if they need it, but doing it with love, always praying before I talk, because I don't want anyone going through what I've gone through. If course I fail, but my goal is to heal, not hurt, and Jesus has certainly completely transformed me from who I used to be.
Then I always end up getting hurt. I have been torn apart by so many people, for years now. At first, I got bullied at work for my faith. I just took it, and I felt really good about it, like Jesus, persecuted.
Then at another job, it got worse, to the point where I couldn't take it any longer. I broke. Jesus picked me back up, and got me a new job. A better job. No one is hurting me, and there are actually even other Christians here. There are issues, persecution, gossip, but no direct bullying. It feels really good, like I get to breathe a little.
But then other Christians happened... Wolves and snakes in the Church. It confused me, but I was partly prepared. I was not prepared for how much it would hurt me. God was with me though. All the way. Healing me, and correcting my own errors.
Then I dated a "Christian", who... I don't know what to say about him... The most vicious person I've met, not sure if he was ever saved or not, but he seemed to believe it. He seemed like a great guy, until he wasn't... We online dated, on Skype. Emotional abuse at first, manipulation, then he wanted to brag to me about his knowledge about God, and he had barely read the Bible. He got angry at me for knowing more than him, and I wasn't even prideful, it was just a matter of fact. Truth. Then he started talking about Satan, and about his knowledge on demons, as if that was a good thing... forced me to look at satanic symbols, despite me fighting him on it. Then it turned into sexual abuse, trying to force me to take off my shirt and things like that, meanwhile yelling at me, calling me names, bullying me for wanting to stay pure. He tried to get me to go back to my old ways, said I was "afraid of sinning" and "self-righteous, thinking I was better than him for living like Christ"... It hurt me so deeply, because he was attacking the only good thing I have, which is my reliance on Christ, and it brought up all of my childhood issues, made me go into complete self-rejection, feelings of worthlessness and condemnation, and I forgot who I was in Christ. I stayed with him, because I thought it was God's will that I help him, and I fought hard for him, prayed a lot, and he got a little better, but then really it just got worse and worse. This guy was controlling me, and I couldn't see it, I got so confused, could no longer see or hear God clearly. My mind got foggy. Bad things happened. Demonic things. I started fighting back, both his attacks and the spiritual attacks. And he kept hurting me, yelling at me, abusing me, calling me "led by the devil" for telling him to read the Bible and stop living in sin. He was sinning and rebelling, doing drugs and refusing to do what's good, slandering and hating people. Meanwhile talking about Jesus as though He was the Lord of his life, refusing any correction from anyone. I eventually prayed and prayed until the Lord ended this relationship, and I was left deeply confused and hurt and depressed like I've never been before. I felt like my life had ended... I haven't been the same since then, although the Holy Spirit has kept me going strong. I ended up partly going back into my old ways, because suddenly I had evil spirits creeping around me, talking to me, calling me back. Satan used this guy so effectively... I fell. But Jesus picked me up, powerfully! He wasn't gonna let me become destroyed by this.
God has been healing me for 7 months now, helping me, teaching me, and I've gotten a lot stronger. I have faced a lot, including the feelings from my past and feelings from recent hardship. He has pulled me out of some deep water!!! And He has used all this so powerfully to help me overcome my past, my fears, my doubts, my social anxieties, etc. I was so weak and confused before this, living in fear and still attached to the world in many ways. So I completely understand why the Lord allowed this all to happen, and I'm grateful. It got me out of a bubble.
I'm still so crippled though. And even after all this happened, right when I was getting out of the darkness, what I wasn't expecting happened. More hurt. This time from my friends, those I thought I could trust, and more and more persecution from both non-believers and believers. I broke again. Tried to end my life. But God is patient. He is just picking me up again, over and over, bringing me closer to Him each time.
There are so many bleeding wounds still. New ones and old ones, and Satan wants to keep me unstable, so he keeps adding more and more. And Jesus keeps using it to heal me.
After my last blog post, where I decided to just stop listening to anyone who isn't encouraging me, I felt like I stopped being stressed out. There were so many barriers between me and God, and it was all lies and falsehood, and fiery darts that has penetrated my heart. I think that if I simply rely on Jesus only, then I'll come out of this without a doubt.
One step at a time.
I've forgiven everyone, so now I can just move on. Jesus is with me, all the way, all the time. And I know there's a bright future ahead!
I had a very, very terrible childhood. It was traumatizing: bullying, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, loneliness and isolation. I had no one to talk to, so I kept every single feeling bottled up inside. My teenage years were even worse, and nothing got better as an adult. In fact, I was so broken that anytime I tried to make my life better, I always made it worse. I was in such darkness, always depressed, anxious and suicidal. I ended up doing witchcraft when I was 12 years old, which of course made everything worse, was stuck in a truly horrible fantasy world (that wasn't imaginary) and no way of getting out.
Then the Lord came, and He has made it all better. He has healed me from so much, so praise Him! But I'm still so traumatized deep inside. It keeps piling up!
I have no way of discerning my own feelings. I was in such a bad state before Jesus came into my life, I was like a zombie, just filled with hatred and anger, because I had turned off my feelings so well. I was a reprobate.
So the Lord has to tell me what I'm feeling, because otherwise I have no idea... it has been like this since I got saved, and it's good, because I have to rely on Him for everything. I got so close to Jesus so fast, and I grew in Him quickly. So it has it's advantages. But it's difficult, and a struggle each day.
And when it comes to other people... I try my hardest. I do my best to love them, and forgive them, basically give them what Jesus has given me. Correct them if they need it, but doing it with love, always praying before I talk, because I don't want anyone going through what I've gone through. If course I fail, but my goal is to heal, not hurt, and Jesus has certainly completely transformed me from who I used to be.
Then I always end up getting hurt. I have been torn apart by so many people, for years now. At first, I got bullied at work for my faith. I just took it, and I felt really good about it, like Jesus, persecuted.
Then at another job, it got worse, to the point where I couldn't take it any longer. I broke. Jesus picked me back up, and got me a new job. A better job. No one is hurting me, and there are actually even other Christians here. There are issues, persecution, gossip, but no direct bullying. It feels really good, like I get to breathe a little. But then other Christians happened... Wolves and snakes in the Church. It confused me, but I was partly prepared. I was not prepared for how much it would hurt me. God was with me though. All the way. Healing me, and correcting my own errors.
Then I dated a "Christian", who... I don't know what to say about him... The most vicious person I've met, not sure if he was ever saved or not, but he seemed to believe it. He seemed like a great guy, until he wasn't... We online dated, on Skype. Emotional abuse at first, manipulation, then he wanted to brag to me about his knowledge about God, and he had barely read the Bible. He got angry at me for knowing more than him, and I wasn't even prideful, it was just a matter of fact. Truth. Then he started talking about Satan, and about his knowledge on demons, as if that was a good thing... forced me to look at satanic symbols, despite me fighting him on it. Then it turned into sexual abuse, trying to force me to take off my shirt and things like that, meanwhile yelling at me, calling me names, bullying me for wanting to stay pure. He tried to get me to go back to my old ways, said I was "afraid of sinning" and "self-righteous, thinking I was better than him for living like Christ"... It hurt me so deeply, because he was attacking the only good thing I have, which is my reliance on Christ, and it brought up all of my childhood issues, made me go into complete self-rejection, feelings of worthlessness and condemnation, and I forgot who I was in Christ. I stayed with him, because I thought it was God's will that I help him, and I fought hard for him, prayed a lot, and he got a little better, but then really it just got worse and worse. This guy was controlling me, and I couldn't see it, I got so confused, could no longer see or hear God clearly. My mind got foggy. Bad things happened. Demonic things. I started fighting back, both his attacks and the spiritual attacks. And he kept hurting me, yelling at me, abusing me, calling me "led by the devil" for telling him to read the Bible and stop living in sin. He was sinning and rebelling, doing drugs and refusing to do what's good, slandering and hating people. Meanwhile talking about Jesus as though He was the Lord of his life, refusing any correction from anyone. I eventually prayed and prayed until the Lord ended this relationship, and I was left deeply confused and hurt and depressed like I've never been before. I felt like my life had ended... I haven't been the same since then, although the Holy Spirit has kept me going strong. I ended up partly going back into my old ways, because suddenly I had evil spirits creeping around me, talking to me, calling me back. Satan used this guy so effectively... I fell. But Jesus picked me up, powerfully! He wasn't gonna let me become destroyed by this.
God has been healing me for 7 months now, helping me, teaching me, and I've gotten a lot stronger. I have faced a lot, including the feelings from my past and feelings from recent hardship. He has pulled me out of some deep water!!! And He has used all this so powerfully to help me overcome my past, my fears, my doubts, my social anxieties, etc. I was so weak and confused before this, living in fear and still attached to the world in many ways. So I completely understand why the Lord allowed this all to happen, and I'm grateful. It got me out of a bubble.
I'm still so crippled though. And even after all this happened, right when I was getting out of the darkness, what I wasn't expecting happened. More hurt. This time from my friends, those I thought I could trust, and more and more persecution from both non-believers and believers. I broke again. Tried to end my life. But God is patient.
He is just picking me up again, over and over, bringing me closer to Him each time. There are so many bleeding wounds still. New ones and old ones, and Satan wants to keep me unstable, so he keeps adding more and more. And Jesus keeps using it to heal me.
After my last blog post, where I decided to just stop listening to anyone who isn't encouraging me, I felt like I stopped being stressed out. There were so many barriers between me and God, and it was all lies and falsehood, and fiery darts that has penetrated my heart. I think that if I simply rely on Jesus only, then I'll come out of this without a doubt.
One step at a time.
I've forgiven everyone, so now I can just move on. Jesus is with me, all the way, all the time. And I know there's a bright future ahead!
