Hiding...

I'm writing something, just anything right now. So much has happened in the last few weeks. It was like God suddenly acted really fast, and I can't share all of it. I'm allowed to, and I want to, but there's just too much of it. Blessings, revelation, little miracles, hope and joy and healing, and He brought so much life into the parts of me that died last year. And there was also lots of correction, conviction, chastisement and much repentance. That is actually the part I love the most, because it gives me freedom and more room for Him in my life!

Right after I posted my last blog entry, it was like something snapped into place inside of me, and I started taking my walk with Him a lot more seriously, because so much fear and pain left me at that moment. So I prayed that He would really start using me, and even here in Sweden (I've been hiding from it, doing almost all ministry online) and the next day or so, my best Christian friend, a wonderfully devote colleague, asked me if his daughter could email me for different reasons. He said I could be a really good role model to her and help her overcome something. What???? That she needs a Godly influence in her life. Me???? That he had told both of his kids about me, and they had said I was really cool and inspiring. What are you talking about???? Then his daughter emailed me and said I was invited to come to their church, because they would love to have someone like me visiting them... and that she would love to be my friend, knowing that I needed someone in Sweden to talk about God with (I have a language issue, where I think in part Swedish, part English, part visually/symbolically and wordlessly in the Spirit between me and God, and I can barely speak without messing up)

I know it's not the devil doing this, but God moving me out of my hiding, and into the Church. I have known for a long time that He was preparing me to know Him and His Truth, the true Gospel and the true Jesus Christ, and to be well-equipped, filled with the Holy Spirit and His strength, before I start spending time with Christians over here in Sweden, because they rarely hold fast to sound doctrine, and I will have to be steadfast in faith. It is a huge mess! But the way my colleague and his family sees me... It's awesome that they see Christ in me, but I don't like attention... I don't crave it like others do, I can't stand it, and that is partly fear and shame, partly God's work in me.

So I hid again... and then I asked God to prepare me even more, and remove all the stuff in me that is holding me back. And He kept me focusing on Him, and He is working on breaking down all the walls I've built lately. He isn't finished yet, but He is moving fast!

Last year was the worst year of my life. The trials I faced, the pain I felt, the sins I committed, the darkness I saw... It was unceasing terror at times, and with it came unceasing prayers. And I saw so much of God, and by the end of it, I was blessed and equipped, knowing so much more than I would have ever expected to understand. God gave me so much while I was busy dealing with whatever trouble came my way. He gave me freedom though all I could see were my chains. He gave me gifts while I was focusing on helping other people. He gave me revelation about Himself, while I was busy listening to the devil and sinning and rebelling, to give me a way out and call me back to Him... and He gave me strength, His strength, while the devil was trying to kill me. Then He showed me His love and healing power while I thought I was dying. While all I could see was my life falling apart, over and over again, wave after wave of trouble flooding me, nearly killing me in every way, what God was doing was building me a new foundation to stand on in Him, giving me a completely new life, helping me die to self. And somehow, He got me to finally let go and let Him in completely, which is all I ever wanted since I first gave my life to Him. And today, He is showing me His work in me, giving me hope and joy, telling me how much that He has gone before me to do, that I'll be doing with Him. And I feel safe finally. And no longer insane. There was so much darkness in me that had to come out, so much fear and pain, and through trials, it all came out. I thought I was losing my mind, I did lose it for a while, but God was really just fixing it. We never really understand what God is doing until it's been done and we see the result. And now I get to be His light to the world for real. And in this day and age, that means that I will have to show others Christ, openly and without hiding the light that He has put in me. Less that two years ago, I got a harsh wake-up call where Jesus told me I was a virgin without oil heading straight to Hell... I begged Him to fix it, and He did, in powerful ways, and yet now I'm standing still, pouring out the oil so I can hide in darkness...

Still hiding. I never answered my colleague's daughter after the first email. Added her to an IM and then I have been silent for weeks... I'm hiding in terror again. My mind knows that God wants me to go out and shine, but my heart speaks all of the lies that I've been told... All I want is Christ, and finally, all I have is Christ, and He is really giving me all of Himself, and it's real. Yet, I have no idea how to proceed. I don't know what's actually holding me back. Persecution doesn't scare me, nor does suffering, people don't scare me, speaking up doesn't scare me, Satan flees from me, because God is with me, in me and I in Him, but somehow I'm afraid of myself, of who I am in Him. It's all Christ they see, and I make sure He gets all of the Glory, always. I want that. I love that! It makes me rejoice and be full of gladness, my heart fills with joy! Everything is also easy to do in Christ. I have to push through so much anxiety all day long, but it's so easy with Him compared to when I try by myself or when I struggle against Him because of sin.

So I don't know... My heart is a mess... I have always had stage fright, I have always been hiding, always struggling with social fears and lacking social skills.

But I have prayed some pretty huge prayers, and I mean them. And my prayers are to be everything that God can make me, perfect in His eyes, completely focusing on Him 24/7, and just like Jesus, although my goal for now is becoming like Paul because it is easier to understand, and the Lord has promised that He will get me there. And do I expect that to happen by hiding??? By running from the people that God has put in my life to minister to and with, and who are my family??? Because I lack social skills and don't know how to talk to people??? (Yup, that is why I'm fleeing!) Yet, everytime I speak about Christ, His words flow from me, and I get intensely fearless instead of feeling intense fear, it's awesome! If I could just stay that way all day long...

I have so much faith in who God is, but I lack faith in who I am in Him, which is really Him and not me, yet it is me and who He is creating in me to become. And I have to trust that He will be there every moment, and trust that I won't suddenly lose control, which would mean that He would lose control, which He won't and He never has... So why am I struggling? The fear is crippling me.

Yeah... I just had to ramble, get some stuff out... :) God is amazing! Praise the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit!

Father... Will you please just fix this? I have no idea what to do... I ask in Jesus' name, amen!

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Emli
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