Yes a lot of negative things.... I am feeling trapped by blasphemy again. Even this morning, I got stressed and angry trying to set up something that still won't work, and have all these crazy thoughts about rejecting salvation. This image I saw yesterday representing hell bothered me, and all of this eclipse and end of the world stuff. I am afraid I will go to hell but I think in a way most of the time I just try to ignore the reality of hell. Like we're supposed to be waiting for Jesus to return and living out faith and I feel like I'm just living through the days sometimes because I'm just too afraid to die or confront where I may be. Even here I see users setting against each other in a way I had not seen before, not just little spats but seeming like full on distrust and dislike.
I think sometimes about leaving but then I would be so alone in my struggles. And visiting Lutheran churches, I want to find a nearby LCMS to try but I don't even know where the nearest Lutheran church is, much less LCMS. But also my church seems to have a college class bigger than I thought and I don't know, I could volunteer with middle or high school but would I be any good? My bible study seems to have gotten harder since we started, I don't know if it's Leviticus or my mental state or how quiet everything is now. Even thinking about John 3:16 and the concepts of law and faith, I'm like, what kind of faith do I have? Dead, useless/nonsaving faith or genuine but shy faith? -Last for now- My church youth is meeting for lunch and stuff today but even if I can drive (I feel like I could) I probably can't eat with the rest of them, I need something soft and easy, that won't be a problem with my wisdom teeth holes, and the discomfort/slight pain in my spine is an off and on problem. If anyone reading feels led to pray please do, please pray for mercy and salvation for me and anything else you feel led to pray for.
Update: Okay turns out there is an LCMS church about ten minutes from my house. I had no idea. I don't know if I knew it was a church, or an active church, but it is there is an active LCMS church like right there. I probably pass it every day I go to my current baptist church. :facepalm: Now it seems like a satellite church (main campus elsewhere coordinating smaller branches) and I don't know exactly how comfortable I am with that or how I should dress if I ever decide to visit. And if I will be out of place.... I still don't know, I don't know if I should go but I thought I'd check the maps and I am a little shocked there is a Lutheran church right there.
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