Here I am past midnight up because of my anxiety and because of how crappy I've been feeling. Some days during the day I can find positive things and can appreciate smaller things in life. I can laugh and smile and thank God for small blessings.
But some days like today where I got such poor sleep and my allergies acted up which made my tinnitus a million times louder last night made me have to call out of work today. And of course it was hard to get real sleep to make up for it today because of the tinnitus. It was more of cat naps really.
It's days like today where I just feel so sad and hurt on the inside because this is it. This is what I will experience on a regular basis for the rest of my life. I will be suffering for the rest of my existence on this earth. It's terrifying. It's sad. It's frustrating. It makes me feel so alone and worthless.
Then I have God and I'm on this journey to learn to trust Him more and remember to be grateful for every little thing. I have to remember to be kind and not vulgar or rude. To have patience with people like my mother and to do God's work. I'm trying to get to point where I'm actually comfortable with called God as "Father" in my prayers instead of just "God" or "Lord". I pray without an expectant heart because if I do otherwise I'm opening myself up to be let down and I don't trust myself to have my desires aligned with God's will yet.
On days like today I'm weak and more liable to fall into sin and do things I regret later. It's days like today that really get me down and I feel like all my efforts are in vain. It's days like today that I question whether God really will come through for me or if He'll refrain from doing anything until I'm more like other believers (sinning less and being benevolent and trusting of God).
It's so very hard and I'm feeling so very alone. I want more human contact and comfort. I want to know that people care and are praying for me. More than anything I want God to talk to me and do more to help me even though I don't deserve it.
This is the rest of my life and I'm so afraid of going through with it.
But some days like today where I got such poor sleep and my allergies acted up which made my tinnitus a million times louder last night made me have to call out of work today. And of course it was hard to get real sleep to make up for it today because of the tinnitus. It was more of cat naps really.
It's days like today where I just feel so sad and hurt on the inside because this is it. This is what I will experience on a regular basis for the rest of my life. I will be suffering for the rest of my existence on this earth. It's terrifying. It's sad. It's frustrating. It makes me feel so alone and worthless.
Then I have God and I'm on this journey to learn to trust Him more and remember to be grateful for every little thing. I have to remember to be kind and not vulgar or rude. To have patience with people like my mother and to do God's work. I'm trying to get to point where I'm actually comfortable with called God as "Father" in my prayers instead of just "God" or "Lord". I pray without an expectant heart because if I do otherwise I'm opening myself up to be let down and I don't trust myself to have my desires aligned with God's will yet.
On days like today I'm weak and more liable to fall into sin and do things I regret later. It's days like today that really get me down and I feel like all my efforts are in vain. It's days like today that I question whether God really will come through for me or if He'll refrain from doing anything until I'm more like other believers (sinning less and being benevolent and trusting of God).
It's so very hard and I'm feeling so very alone. I want more human contact and comfort. I want to know that people care and are praying for me. More than anything I want God to talk to me and do more to help me even though I don't deserve it.
This is the rest of my life and I'm so afraid of going through with it.
