In the midst of my sorrow I threw a fit. I threw a fit and called up my father who I haven't spoken to for awhile due to our complicated past with the intention of "letting him have it". I was upset and angry. After talking for a bit he revealed to me with what I can't believe were wholly good intentions that he and my mother were never married. Needless to say that this was a shock. It was a shock to find out that my mother had been lying to me for years about this. But it made sense because I always wondered why their split didn't involve such extensive divorce proceedings like some other people's parents. Of course this made me a little more upset. I was already a little wary because my mom's supposed marriage to my father was her second marriage (she divorced her first husband because he was repeatedly unfaithful to her). To find out that I am indeed a bastard child was kind of devastating.
So I confronted my mom with tears and weeping and expressed my wish that I had never been born. We talked and I cried and bemoaned all the things that were wrong with me and my life and my health. Especially my health. Why did God allow me to be born so disadvantaged only to make me more disadvantaged and sick and disabled as time went on? My mom said that no matter what I looked like or what problems my body put forth that she loved me and wanted me and is glad that God allowed me to be born. But why, I wondered, did God allow this? My mom said that perhaps God wanted me to go through and continue to go through so much hardship so that I can be of comfort to others when they are also going through hardship. I wept and said that I wish it weren't so because I thought it was unfair that others should find comfort and peace and even healing through my pain and sorrow while I am left to endure. My pain in exchange for their peace.
Then it hit me. Christ must have felt a little similar. Christ must have felt the burden of his mission in this world. His pain and suffering and humiliation on the cross and even the struggles of living daily were for the benefit and comfort of everyone else. But Jesus is better than me in that He did not complain as much as I do and He was perfect whereas I am not. In that instant I felt a connection to Christ. I cried some more and then fell mercifully asleep and slept for 10 hours and woke up feeling physically a little better though I was still emotionally raw.
God has mercifully made the past few days since Easter a little more peaceful for me. Today was hard and I struggled and let sin get the best of me a few times and I'm winding down for the night feeling a little frazzled. But I know tomorrow is an opportunity to try again and push through my pain and my tinnitus and my hearing loss and continue taking it one day at a time and leaning on God. I continue to cry but I also continue to pray and to live. In that I have no choice and can only trust God.
I pray that God will direct me to do what He wants me to with my pain and pray that one day He will reward His servant with much desired mercy in my life.
So I confronted my mom with tears and weeping and expressed my wish that I had never been born. We talked and I cried and bemoaned all the things that were wrong with me and my life and my health. Especially my health. Why did God allow me to be born so disadvantaged only to make me more disadvantaged and sick and disabled as time went on? My mom said that no matter what I looked like or what problems my body put forth that she loved me and wanted me and is glad that God allowed me to be born. But why, I wondered, did God allow this? My mom said that perhaps God wanted me to go through and continue to go through so much hardship so that I can be of comfort to others when they are also going through hardship. I wept and said that I wish it weren't so because I thought it was unfair that others should find comfort and peace and even healing through my pain and sorrow while I am left to endure. My pain in exchange for their peace.
Then it hit me. Christ must have felt a little similar. Christ must have felt the burden of his mission in this world. His pain and suffering and humiliation on the cross and even the struggles of living daily were for the benefit and comfort of everyone else. But Jesus is better than me in that He did not complain as much as I do and He was perfect whereas I am not. In that instant I felt a connection to Christ. I cried some more and then fell mercifully asleep and slept for 10 hours and woke up feeling physically a little better though I was still emotionally raw.
God has mercifully made the past few days since Easter a little more peaceful for me. Today was hard and I struggled and let sin get the best of me a few times and I'm winding down for the night feeling a little frazzled. But I know tomorrow is an opportunity to try again and push through my pain and my tinnitus and my hearing loss and continue taking it one day at a time and leaning on God. I continue to cry but I also continue to pray and to live. In that I have no choice and can only trust God.
I pray that God will direct me to do what He wants me to with my pain and pray that one day He will reward His servant with much desired mercy in my life.
