Stale Marriage of 25+ years - Help!

[MBrett]

Need some other christian wives' opinion here. My husband & I have been married for over 25 years, strong believers. 2 kids - one in college, one in high school. We run a retail business together. I have always been the "stronger" Christian, while my husband seems to constantly waver in his Christian walk. He also admits to being a typical male, sometimes clueless on the subtle hints that I try to drop. We had a 2nd business for a few years that really put a strain on our marriage - that closed down in 2014 but still are dealing with the financial strain on our 1st business & personal finances. Recently, our "closeness" with talking, spending time outside of our business together, doing date nights, just about anything outside of work has gone to zero. I have requested we do things together to keep our relationship close, not necessarily costly, and he says sure, but he never acts on those suggestions. I do spend a lot of my rare out-of-business time with our high school daughter, as she is dealing with a lot of emotional issues. I have tried to balance work, kids, house work and free time, and it seems like our marriage has taken a back seat to everything. He makes time every day after work for at least 90 minutes to take our dog out for a walk or to the dog park, but doesn't spend even 30 minutes with me uninterrupted. Now just this week, I have been getting to our business early to do office work (as we usually come at different times), and when he arrives, I don't even get a "hello" kiss (I often leave our house before he's even awake - he's not a morning person and is often not up until after 8am). I don't want to be the whining wife that is looking for attention all the time, so I haven't said anything - I've been encouraged by my pastors (a husband & wife team that I admire) to never give into complaining over the years, and to never stop praying for him, which I will never do. How do I get across to him my needs for attention, even just a peck on the cheek or a "how are you doing today?" I have to also say that our sex life has slowed down to a nonexistent thing, which has gotten me very concerned. For years, this area has been a bit of a battle for us - I want a more romance, and he wants his needs met. Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[heliumskylark]

At only 5 years married I'm a relative novice compared to you (!) and I'm sure someone with more experience will be along soon to offer some wisdom, but one thing that springs to mind in the meantime is the possibility of joining him in the evening when he walks the dog? I know with my husband, if I walk with him for 15 or 20 minutes without saying anything, he'll eventually strike up a conversation or say what's on his mind! Sometimes it opens the door to an argument, sometimes to a great conversation. Or sometimes we just walk in silence too, but at least it's a chance to hold hands and be together.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

...I don't want to be the whining wife that is looking for attention all the time, so I haven't said anything - I've been encouraged by my pastors (a husband & wife team that I admire) to never give into complaining over the years, and to never stop praying for him, which I will never do...

I did read your whole post, but this stood out to me. It is not whining to tell your husband what your needs are, what your thoughts are, and where he needs to become accountable to you, and to Christ. I think you have received some poor advice about "never giving in to complaining", because (from the context of your post), it comes across as if you are being told to stay silent. Please don't. Granted, it may be a hard conversation to have, but any husband worth his salt will listen.

 

[98cwitr]

Can you go out walking the dog with him? My wife kills me with this kind of kindness often. Will give you two a chance to catch up.

 

[HannahT]

I don't want to be the whining wife that is looking for attention all the time, so I haven't said anything - I've been encouraged by my pastors (a husband & wife team that I admire) to never give into complaining over the years, and to never stop praying for him, which I will never do.

Unless your husband can read your mind - mentioning what you have said here isn't 'complaining'. (although I wouldn't mention the stronger walk in faith part) It's called concern for your relationship. It's called communication which as you know is very important. To me there is a HUGE difference between whining, complaining, and all the rest of those buzz words...and letting your husband know you miss him. You love him, and want to find a way to get a connection between the two of you like you seemed to have in the past.

It sounds like the stress of the other business banged both of you around a bit - understandable. Now its time to pick up those pieces, and get that TEAM together once again. Life has hills and valleys. You want to take that hill together, and just acknowledge HOW much you have missed him - longed for him. Life's punches aren't anyone's fault. They happen.

Approach him with anticipation, and if you have to make all the plans - and clear the schedules or what have you? Do it! If you have to put on your walking shoes on, and walk the dog with him? Go for it! Sounds like neither of you are really talking, so goodness knows what is going through his head about what HE seems to feel is happening in the relationship. Failure of the business venue is hard for anyone, and dealing with the aftermath? Some people take that as a huge slam to their ego, and sense of worth. Could be he doubts himself - wouldn't be the first person in the world to do that. What's done is done, and put it in the past....and move forward. He is more important. Your life together is more important.

Woo the man. Woo him until he can't resist anymore! lol been married a long time, and its fun to go back to the 'old days' or the WOO days! (wink wink) He will be chasing you before you know it.

 

[akmom]

It's all so very vague. The OP wants to "do things together" more often in her marriage, and the responses tell her to "communicate her needs." I don't see this going anywhere, because no one is being specific, and this kind of vagueness doesn't leave much to work with. I don't understand why people are vague like this.

What I've gathered is that the OP couple does spend a lot of time together, but it's at work, and that kind of interaction is inherently unfulfilling for the wife. We don't know what would be fulfilling for her. All we know is that she has made suggestions, but doesn't feel like he's taken much action on them, and we have no idea what the suggestions were or why they haven't happened. We have no details about their lives, except that he walks the dog a lot (a detail made as a complaint, not a solution), which some responders used to give her an idea of how to proactively spend time with her husband. It leaves me wondering... what kind of advice does she hope to get? Perhaps her husband feels the same way... that her requests are vague and therefore difficult to work with.

I see this theme a lot on these forums. A poster will describe feeling neglected by their spouse, and they want to grow closer to their spouse by pulling him away from his hobbies (which she has grown to resent) and recruit him into an activity that she likes instead, and they want that time to yield communication that draws them closer. I can't imagine how being chided about one's enjoyments in life and coerced into unenjoyable activities would lead a man or woman to grow *closer* to their spouse. Why doesn't the neglected one start with their spouse's needs first, joining him in his activities? Or simply pursue their own hobbies to their enjoyment, instead of soliciting the spouse? Or if they do solicit their spouse's companionship in some inherently enjoyable pastime, why go into it with such grand expectations of growing closer?

I would think that a married couple would automatically have some interests in common, or else their relationship was pretty random. Those shared interests would be a good start on the road to "growing close" again. If there is nothing to start with, then I think you have to be really specific about what you want. If it's not "working" in terms of being fulfilling, request something else. Don't grow resentful that the spouse isn't figuring out your needs. Figure out your own needs and communicate them clearly, and be grateful for their participation. If you want more communication, ask questions and talk about different things until you find a hit. Don't grow resentful that the spouse isn't initiating the conversation or responding passionately to the first few things you try out.

 

[rose dahlia]

It's all so very vague. The OP wants to "do things together" more often in her marriage, and the responses tell her to "communicate her needs." I don't see this going anywhere, because no one is being specific, and this kind of vagueness doesn't leave much to work with. I don't understand why people are vague like this.

What I've gathered is that the OP couple does spend a lot of time together, but it's at work, and that kind of interaction is inherently unfulfilling for the wife. We don't know what would be fulfilling for her. All we know is that she has made suggestions, but doesn't feel like he's taken much action on them, and we have no idea what the suggestions were or why they haven't happened. We have no details about their lives, except that he walks the dog a lot (a detail made as a complaint, not a solution), which some responders used to give her an idea of how to proactively spend time with her husband. It leaves me wondering... what kind of advice does she hope to get? Perhaps her husband feels the same way... that her requests are vague and therefore difficult to work with.

I see this theme a lot on these forums. A poster will describe feeling neglected by their spouse, and they want to grow closer to their spouse by pulling him away from his hobbies (which she has grown to resent) and recruit him into an activity that she likes instead, and they want that time to yield communication that draws them closer. I can't imagine how being chided about one's enjoyments in life and coerced into unenjoyable activities would lead a man or woman to grow *closer* to their spouse. Why doesn't the neglected one start with their spouse's needs first, joining him in his activities? Or simply pursue their own hobbies to their enjoyment, instead of soliciting the spouse? Or if they do solicit their spouse's companionship in some inherently enjoyable pastime, why go into it with such grand expectations of growing closer?

I would think that a married couple would automatically have some interests in common, or else their relationship was pretty random. Those shared interests would be a good start on the road to "growing close" again. If there is nothing to start with, then I think you have to be really specific about what you want. If it's not "working" in terms of being fulfilling, request something else. Don't grow resentful that the spouse isn't figuring out your needs. Figure out your own needs and communicate them clearly, and be grateful for their participation. If you want more communication, ask questions and talk about different things until you find a hit. Don't grow resentful that the spouse isn't initiating the conversation or responding passionately to the first few things you try out.

Can you go out walking the dog with him? My wife kills me with this kind of kindness often. Will give you two a chance to catch up.

I walk the dog with my husband and we have some great conversations,discuss problems and even laugh a lot as out dog is very entertaining. She is like our baby.

I have been married 28 years and know that there can be so many issues you don't know when to start sometimes when trying to work them out in one's own mind and then trying to communicate them to your spouse.

You and your husband work together and that can be hard. You have spend your whole working day together which can be quite draining. It also takes away that ice breaker most couples have at the end of the day and that's the discussion about how their day was at work and what happened.
You may also have the factor that he may not like how you treat him at work or run the business?

The only way to find out is to have an honest conversation. I hope this doesn't sound improper in any way but I have read in many places that a good indicator of how well a marriage is going is the intimacy within the relationship.

I know my husband is very particular about my appearance and behavior. You may have to include this in the conversation too.

The most important thing is to pray. God can fix anything.