Good morning
@jmz
I hope you & family had a wonderful NY.
I'm sorry you aren't interested in what I wrote to you. In spite of your challenging situation, you are contributing to your difficulties.
Per your own descriptions, you've been disrespectful to your wife and have also demonstrated disrespect to me as well. I don't care about your disrespect to me, but the disrespect towards your wife is not helping your marriage.
Meaningful change doesn't often happen until a person can identify/describe your behaviors to yourself
in words. Reactive instincts can be analyzed and controlled
once your thoughts have words for what is happening.
For example, the average anger outburst follows a predictable, mutually abusive pattern:
1) Spouse A wants to do or buy something. (May or may not be presented with disrespect.)
2) Spouse B doesn't want to do or buy that. Spouse B may respond disrespectfully.
3) So, Spouse A makes a selfish demand (something they want even if the other spouse doesn't want it) or engages in independent behavior (something A wants to do but B doesn't want A to do it), perhaps answering disrespect with more disrespect.
4) Spouse B responds with more disrespectful judgment or anger.
5) A responds to #4 with more disrespect and anger.
6) B responds to #5 with another anger outburst, etc etc until the argument is won by one spouse at the other's expense.
If spouse B understands this progression, he/she can analyze his/her words in response to #1 to ensure they are productive and not disrespectful, so often the argument would not proceed to #2.
If the statement in #1 was disrespectful, spouse B can analyze the fact that it was disrespectful and instead of responding with instincts/feelings, and can analytically choose to divert the mutual problem solving regarding Spouse A's wants in a more productive path.
Here is a series of letters about how to prevent mutual spousal abuse (a massive argument is mutual spousal abuse, regardless of who started it):
Letter #1 Introduction: The subject of physical and emotional abuse in marriage is difficult to address because spouses cannot usually agree as to what it is. Physical abuse is easier to define...
www.marriagebuilders.com
Here is a great collection of resources that we use every day in our marriage:
Basic Concepts : Marriage Builders, Inc.
However, as well, until the diagnosed BPD is treated, you may not be able to achieve the romantically in-love marriage that I enjoy and advocate for for all marriages, even if you are able to mitigate your participation in conflicts with the information I've provided in my responses and in the links above.
I pray the best for you & yours, and may God's blessings richly multiply in 2024.
If you have any questions on what I wrote to you for advice regarding your marital behaviors, or the contents of the above links, I'd be happy to re-engage in a conversation.
Godspeed.
E.