Emotional Affair or friendship?

[Job 33:6]

I agree with you. I think if he has to leave the workplace then he has a bigger problem. Even if he does all of that, there’s always going to be another attractive woman at the next place of work. I agree, the communication with her should stop and he should stop it in a very tactful way. But he’s just going to run into the same problem.

I think men and women can be friends, I think men and women can be friends with other attractive people. When I think of the women I’ve built friendships with, the thought of being attracted to them is disgusting.

I agree with you, I just think that he needs to find the root of his issue. I think men and women can be friends, if the relationship is built on genuine friendship. The thoughts of any sort of attraction should be disgusting. I’m pretty sure he has attractive cousins or maybe a sister, why isn’t he attracted to them?

As a married man he should see this woman as a young sister or a cousin. I don’t think avoiding temptation is enough, I think he has to correct himself on a fundamental level.

Biblically I disagree:

Luke 7:37-39

37 And, behold, a woman in the city, which was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at meat in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster box of ointment,

38 And stood at his feet behind him weeping, and began to wash his feet with tears, and did wipe them with the hairs of her head, and kissed his feet, and anointed them with the ointment.

39 Now when the Pharisee which had bidden him saw it, he spake within himself, saying, This man, if he were a prophet, would have known who and what manner of woman this is that toucheth him: for she is a sinner.

This was intimate. It was not sexual but it was intimate. Jesus did not become tempted by this but the Pharisees in their own flesh saw an issue with this.

But this is what I mean by hyper-sexual. A man being a man and a woman being a woman, being intimate does not lead to sex if the relationship is genuine and built on a plutonic love. We are not animals, a man should not be attracted to his friend.

I’ve never been in a position where I’ve had to pick between any type of friend and pleasing God, my spouse and my children. I married my friend/classmate I was attracted to. I will agree that the level of intimacy a man has with his wife should be a higher level of intimacy than he has with anybody.

The women im friends with are no more or less like cousins. Intimacy beyond friendship and being brothers and sisters in Christ would be a disgusting thought. Now what this man has done is adultery, he should be able to have plutonic friends void being attracted to them. There’s not just temptation but also a character flaw.

How would a man go about viewing other women as if they're cousins?

I'm not sure that this is realistic. If it were so easy for men and women to turn off their instincts and biology, people would never run into these conflicts. Yet even in the church they're all too common. As if the moment you put a ring on your finger, all other women instantly started appearing as if they were your sister?

 

[Avniel]

How would a man go about viewing other women as if they're cousins?

I'm not sure that this is realistic. If it were so easy for men and women to turn off their instincts and biology, people would never run into these conflicts. Yet even in the church they're all too common. As if the moment you put a ring on your finger, all other women instantly started appearing as if they were your sister?

How would a man go about viewing other women as if they're cousins?

I'm not sure that this is realistic. If it were so easy for men and women to turn off their instincts and biology, people would never run into these conflicts. Yet even in the church they're all too common. As if the moment you put a ring on your finger, all other women instantly started appearing as if they were your sister?

I think the first step is by not watching or listening to content that is sexual in nature. The first step is limiting sexual outside stimuli. The second starts during childhood when you learn to build meaningful relationships.

Maybe it’s not realistic for a kid that’s going through puberty but by the time a man is beyond the age of brain development his chemicals should not make his decisions. I think hormones and biology are excuses, it’s very easy to build a bond with someone “you just don’t see like that.”

I think that’s more a byproduct of a hyper-sexuality and hyper-individualism. No, absolutely a ring does not change what a man likes but why would I as a married man place myself in a situation with a woman I don’t view as a sister or cousin? See, entering into a friendship with a woman you are attracted to that’s playing with your marriage.

However, you’ve never had genuine friendships with women that may be attractive but just not attractive to you? They might be pretty to other people but they’re just not your cup of tea? If every other attractive woman is a woman that’s dangerous because you’re tempted, it’s not being friends that the issue, there’s a perspective on the opposite gender that needs to be addressed.

I’m not friends with anyone I’ve dated or have had physical intimacy with. But I’m still friends with the homies that fed me in college and proofread my papers. Those women that had my back and I’ve had their’s during the struggles of entering into adulthood, I’m definitely still close to them. The sister that was with me fighting for children when we coached kids, we are still friends. I don’t see them in any sort of sexual way and I never did.

That’s what I mean by animalistic. She’s a woman and he’s a man, when woman and man get together it’s sex……that’s pretty objectifying. I think the biggest issue is how people perceive the opposite sex. It’s sexual objectification and self objectification.

 

[Job 33:6]

I think the first step is by not watching or listening to content that is sexual in nature. The first step is limiting sexual outside stimuli. The second starts during childhood when you learn to build meaningful relationships.

Maybe it’s not realistic for a kid that’s going through puberty but by the time a man is beyond the age of brain development his chemicals should not make his decisions. I think hormones and biology are excuses, it’s very easy to build a bond with someone “you just don’t see like that.”

I think that’s more a byproduct of a hyper-sexuality and hyper-individualism. No, absolutely a ring does not change what a man likes but why would I as a married man place myself in a situation with a woman I don’t view as a sister or cousin? See, entering into a friendship with a woman you are attracted to that’s playing with your marriage.

Well I think that's the key here. So, we recognize that we can still be attracted to or find women attractive. So the question is then, can we enter a friendship with them without that attraction being or becoming an issue.

However, you’ve never had genuine friendships with women that may be attractive but just not attractive to you? They might be pretty to other people but they’re just not your cup of tea? If every other attractive woman is a woman that’s dangerous because you’re tempted, it’s not being friends that the issue, there’s a perspective on the opposite gender that needs to be addressed.

I have had women friends that I think may fit this category. I think that I anticipated the former being in this category. And maybe that's why I let my guard down. But I suspect that I was naive. Maybe thinking this newer person would be like a sister as other women have been, only to realize that perhaps I wasn't being realistic.

I think that's part of the issue too. I think that the male biology will try to make us rationalize things. Just like we do with any other sin. Like with the sermon on the mount, oh I didn't break that law or cross that line, so it's ok. When in reality we are subconsciously trying to edge as close as we possibly can to that sin. Oh I have a degree in Bible or I'm a pastor, I wouldn't cross that line, meanwhile we are edging closer and closer where the line becomes blurred between a friend and something more than a typical friend.

And I think that's where I've paused and examined the circumstances and said, well wait a minute, is this person honestly just a friend who I view as a sister as with other women in my life? Or is that me just trying to rationalize a problem that I don't want to admit to? And I think that just asking the question made me realize that I had been rationalizing a problem.

In which case, once the problem was identified, I've had to investigate a solution.

Part of me suspects that even women of this friend-space could very well become problematic to a marriage as well, depending on the circumstances.

I’m not friends with anyone I’ve dated or have had physical intimacy with. But I’m still friends with the homies that fed me in college and proofread my papers. Those women that had my back and I’ve had their’s during the struggles of entering into adulthood, I’m definitely still close to them. The sister that was with me fighting for children when we coached kids, we are still friends. I don’t see them in any sort of sexual way and I never did.

That’s what I mean by animalistic. She’s a woman and he’s a man, when woman and man get together it’s sex……that’s pretty objectifying. I think the biggest issue is how people perceive the opposite sex. It’s sexual objectification and self objectification.

Thanks for this. That makes sense.

 

[Divide]

I have a question for everyone, I'm seeking advice.

I am married. Happily married. For over 10 years. I love my wife dearly, I have 0 issues or concerns with our marriage. I'm very happily married. And I can't stress that enough.

I have a coworker, and she is single, younger than my wife (as these stories usually go), in social media terms, she could be said to be attractive. We already see where there may be trouble. From a purely objective observational discernment stance, this single, younger coworker.

This coworker has many life struggles. Poverty. Difficulty with their career growth. Difficulty in their own relationships. Family struggles in poverty, difficulty making friends because of their emotional trauma. Historically abusive family, one very sick and the other passed away parent.

There is a huge lists of challenges that this single woman, coworker, has in life.

So naturally, as a well-to-do and established, confident, older man, I sought to support this woman as a friend. Financial advice, being a friend to hear or to listen to those struggles. Physically I'm stronger so I could help with poverty related housing issues etc. just, trying to be a good friend. I did not initiate the relationship, but as most Christians do, we seek to help those who call for help.

But I soon realized that, I was emotionally and physically attracted to this coworker or at least in the beginning stages of seeing her differently than just a friend as I initially had. To my surprise it snuck up on me it seemed. As if our friendship grew.

So, I've taken steps to move backwards. Limiting communication. Limiting time around this coworker. And I feel much better now.

But a still have remaining questions. How can I be a friend, that can help others, if my emotions get in the way? There was no flirting. No inappropriate talks. No touching, or anything. And yet, something still felt inappropriate, my emotions. I could take 1,000 male coworkers out for lunch. And not in the slightest way feel out of place. But just this one woman, for some reason I can't even imagine doing the same out of concern that my emotions would grow.

Is it possible to support someone as a friend in a Godly way, if you had at any time in the past, felt attraction for that person, while in a faithful monogamous relationship?

Is it inappropriate that I even hold casual conversation in a supporting way, with this person, given my emotions? What if it's purely professional and in a public place?

And an even more specific question, and this one is unique. Is it inappropriate to do things such as, spending a half hour work-break, maybe just one or two times a month, in a public space, talking with this person? Such as over a lunch break-time? As a friend?

Or, is it impossible to really be a supportive friend at all to someone of the opposite gender, if there is emotional attraction?

What should I do? Do I cut off all communication and leave the coworker to her own devices in poverty and anguish to protect my own marriage? Or how do I walk this uncomfortable line of trying to be helpful, while also remaining distant? How close is too close? Has anyone ever experienced anything like this before?

And what boundaries can I put in place to protect myself and my spouse?

You have to hold on to your integrity and loyalty to your Wife. Do you want to protect your marriage? Then you should be explaining all of this to your Wife and asking her how you should approach it.

You know how younger women think. It sounds like a dangerous situation for you and your marriage. So you take the girl to lunch one day...and your Wife walks by and sees you. How will you react? How will the girl react? Do you think that your Wife would believe you at that point that nothing happened?

I can already hear her...You should have told me these things beforehand!

How you handle this can have a huge impact on the quality of your marriage in either a good way or a bad way. It is your choice how to handle the girl. She is dangerous to you.

 

[Hannah66]

I feel like I may have come across a little harsh and 'angry' - it's because I have suffered the effects of serial adultery....not that your is adultery but could lead to it. I guess I want to spare you of any pain or the destruction of your life. I do truly do care - God bless you and prayers about this situation.

 

[Divide]

How would a man go about viewing other women as if they're cousins?

I'm not sure that this is realistic. If it were so easy for men and women to turn off their instincts and biology, people would never run into these conflicts. Yet even in the church they're all too common. As if the moment you put a ring on your finger, all other women instantly started appearing as if they were your sister?

You guys are over-thinking this. Havent you ever said no to a woman before? It's not really that hard to do. Of course she will get mad, that's life. But then you will still have a Wife.

You have to be able to say no to her.

 

[Divide]

Well I think that's the key here. So, we recognize that we can still be attracted to or find women attractive. So the question is then, can we enter a friendship with them without that attraction being or becoming an issue.

I used to use that for an excuse myself when younger. But I was lying to myself then. It is an issue. It will become an issue.

Would you rather made the girl mad or make your Wife mad?

 

[Hannah66]

prayers for you and your situation

 

[Avniel]

I used to use that for an excuse myself when younger. But I was lying to myself then. It is an issue. It will become an issue.

Would you rather made the girl mad or make your Wife mad?

I definitely agree with you, it’s an excuse. If I met a woman, as a married man or even when I was single and I thought “this is a friend,” that’s all she will ever be. I’ve never been attracted to a friend’s ex or a friend’s girlfriend as a single man.

I have a choice, if my answer is no then it’s no today, no tomorrow and no 50 years from no. We aren’t animals operating off of hormones and we aren’t sinners operating off the flesh. I think part of the problem is that it’s been normalized, people think that this is what men struggle with and it’s not true not all men struggle with lust.

I struggle with my temper, my temptation is to say something truthful but harmful. When some one is out of order my flesh tells me “put them in their place” and my maturity in Christ has helped me make a better choice.

 

[Divide]

I definitely agree with you, it’s an excuse. If I met a woman, as a married man or even when I was single and I thought “this is a friend,” that’s all she will ever be. I’ve never been attracted to a friend’s ex or a friend’s girlfriend as a single man.

I have a choice, if my answer is no then it’s no today, no tomorrow and no 50 years from no. We aren’t animals operating off of hormones and we aren’t sinners operating off the flesh. I think part of the problem is that it’s been normalized, people think that this is what men struggle with and it’s not true not all men struggle with lust.

That's right. I've heard some people say that tey have a inappropriate content addiction and that is next to impossible to say no. And yet, I am a man with the internet and I don't have any problem with inappropriate content. That last inappropriate content I had was a couple playboy magazines under the bed when I was about 8.

I did have a problem with the spirit of Lust when I was young. But with live girls, not pictures lol. I tink my generation was perhaps the last generation to be taught critical thinking and so even when I was not walking with the Lord, I had a conscience that told me to have some integrity, that I can choose not to be that guy! And so when I got married, I shook all that other thinking off for the benefit of the marriage. If I'm going to do something like be married, then why not do it right? Better than the other men?

When we stop being better, we stop being good. I will try to be a better man tomorrow than I am today. It seems to me that women have three major gripes about men (husbands. He Cheats, he wont work or not enough, He works too much and is never home. It wasnt hard for me to accomplish all three of those for my Wife and Family. One must simply be able to catch themselves making excuses and stop it. Once they hang a label on you as this or that, they can stick for a long time!

I was in business as a service plumber/HVAC tech so got into 1000's of homes, and I come in to fix stuff while daddy is at work. Women are bolder at home than even in the work environment, so I had to say No quite a few times. A couple times I walked away shaking because the women were so beautiful! A few years before that and I would have jumped all over it, but now I was married, and that means something. It's supposed to. I thought, I know my Wife has not wronged me in any way, she was too busy with my toddler sons so it would have destroyed my family which did not deserve it.
Oddly enough, I found it rather satisfying to be able to say No politely to the women. Not because anything weird like I like hurting girls feelings, nothing like that at all. More like, I did do the right thing and am an honorable man because I did. That felt good to me.

One furnace & air conditioning company I worked at told me on my 2nd day that, you're not allowed to wear your wedding ring here...
And I thought what have I stumbled into, a company of cheaters or something?! Lol.
It turned out that the bulk of their work was on Commercial Rooftop Units, and a lot of those units are 208v and others up to 460v, and if you have your hand inside a unit poking around with meter probes that high voltage can jump right to your gold ring! I appreciated that info! Those same guys called me on the radio one time when I was on a shopping center rooftop and told me to go, get down because they are starting to see lightning and cared about me. Good guys.