Age Gap Frustrations

[Emma!]

Well, I'm one of the ones that always admonishes people not to get married too young. Generally speaking - I think that's good advice...for all of the reasons you've cited.

I think to a degree what you're dealing with is just par for the course...so you're most likely just going to have to deal with it and prove them wrong.

Whether or not she'll accept it - ehhh - most likely she will...but it will take time. People my age (I'm turning 40 in a few months) don't have a ton of respect for the perspectives of people in your age bracket. It isn't really so much about you - it's rather about how big of idiots we recognize that we and our friends were at your age. Then - to make it worse - we hear the exact same nonsense coming out of your mouths that we used to spout when we were younger.

As much as people think times and people change - they really don't. There's a common human condition. People think they mature faster than they actually do. By the time that you truly become mature - you've stopped worrying about how mature you are. I don't think I've ever heard a person over 25 ever talk about maturity in the context of themselves. It's just part of being young to try and prove that you've evolved past childhood. Ya know?

So - you're in a bad boat. If I were your brother in law - I'd be counseling you too. Not so much because I *know* that you have a bad marriage - but rather because I could not bring myself to believe that you really know what you're talking about. I do that to my nephews - who are 22 and 25 - respectively. At some point I crossed the line between being a rebellious "cool kid" to being the somewhat condescending older guy. hahaha

Don't worry about it though. Your SIL means well. She wants the best for you. If she gives you unsolicited advice that's not applicable in your life - smile and tell her that you've got it worked out with hubby and prove her wrong by having a good marriage. In a few years - she'll knock it off.

Harsh but true... I have to agree with you and I am only 26yo so I prob still don't know what I am talking about... I don't mind admitting that because I know how much I have learned since being married, so I can only imagine whats ahead.

I was married at 20yo and in retrospect had no idea what that meant to be married, and no idea what 'the rest of your life' even meant, I don't think anyone can comprehend that at such a young age.

We have been married for 6 years now and they have been happy years, with some dodgy spots along the way (right now is one of those), we have really been growing up together which has been a good and difficult thing. I feel like I kind of missed my 20's the way everyone else had them, stuffing about with friends, care free and finding themselves and figuring out life. Though the grass is always greener, don't get me wrong I am thankful for what I have, and I know I am blessed.

In saying all that, I could not have picked a better match for me and I don't regret it, but I do think that that we were too young to know what we were doing, I am just so grateful that I lucked out with my choice even though I was clueless! Getting married young prob also kept me out of trouble

To the OP, im sorry you are going through this... even though I can understand where your SIL is coming from, I don't believe she has the right to say a single word about it now that you are married. It is none of her business and she has no right trying to cause division. Protect your marriage and enjoy every moment. God Bless you both.

 

[Deliberatetourist]

Disadvantages to getting married young - immaturity, financial instability, views likes dislikes subject to inevitable change could invite problems between partners

Disadvantages to getting married old - set in your ways, waning sexual attractiveness (if not gone altogether), health problems, diminished energy levels, burdens of raising newborns when your aging body demands sleep, issues of being able to have healthy children(for some people).

 

[believetheunseen]

Just thought I would pop in and fill everyone in.
So, we had another run in yesterday. She called to chat, and sooner or later it came out that my husband was looking pretty seriously at some german shepard puppies. I don't think it's wise to get a puppy right now, but ultimately it's his decision. Well, she gave him her opinion, than the phone got handed to me so I could hear it to. Getting a dog is a dumb idea, you have two already (we have two chihuahua/pomeranian mix dogs who are brother and sister). You just got a job, you can't handle the responsibility, what if you get pregnant and the dog doesn't like kids, etc. etc. I didn't answer her during her rant.
by God's grace I was very calm during this "conversation". Now, while I don't think it's a good time to get a dog for various reasons myself, my husband leads my household and I know what having one of these puppies would mean to him (it's a somewhat long story), and I wasn't about to disrespect him by agreeing with his sister that his idea about getting a dog was "childish".
So I responded very calmly (again, by the Grace of God); "We are deciding whether or not we get another dog as a family, I'll let you know what we decide." She freaked out, saying I wasn't listening to her, that getting a dog was BAD. "WE are deciding if it's the right move for US. We've already talked about what you've mentioned and we're still trying to figure it out." She tried to say we would make the wrong choice, because we're young. I replied with a strong, but calm "We can and have made good decisions. Thanks for your concern, but we can handle it."
She was really quiet and cut the conversation short and I got an email this morning from her that I was being disrespectful. I've yet to reply, because even my husband said I was eerily calm and polite when I said those things. Not sure if or when or what I will reply with.
I just wanted to let you know how the first "confrontation" happened.

 

[dinonum]

Maybe to appease her a little bit with a reply (if you do choose to reply), I'd suggest mentioning that you are quite aware it could be a mistake. That if things go wrong, so be it, but it is still something worth considering for you all as a couple right now.

Otherwise, great job! She will probably act like you are being disrespectful quite a few times after this time, just simply because she considers not listening to everything she says and obeying her every command as being disrespectful. Let it roll off your shoulders!

 

[JohnDB]

From what you have posted...

I know if things went the way that you described...
If I were your husband...

I would LOVE YOU HARD...

because you complely respected me and my thoughts and feelings on the subject. You didn't treat me as if I didn't count.

Where you may actually somewhat agree with your SIL on the subject your respect for your husbands feelings and wishes outweigh your SIL's rant than anything else on the planet. And that counts for so much more than you can realize. Apparently more than your SIL does. She might epitomize the subject matter of another thread wandering around here somewhere. Good call...

YA DID GOOD!

 

[Cright]

(((Applause))) I think you handled it great! I think that if you decide to reply you could mention that... Say "I'm sorry you felt disrespected, however, my marriage is my number one priority and I need to decide and discuss issues with my husband. I did hear your advice, and it's nice to know your concerned for our well being, however we will make the final decision together." or something similar... how can she fault you for that? As a Christian woman, I'd hope she'd respect you for it!

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

hehe..you did really well...good for you, and i hope that you got the support you needed by posting here

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

BTW it's difficult for bossy people when those around them start standing up for themselves, so dont be surprised if she cringes a few more times before you actually get the message across.
And you were NOT disrespectful, she just didnt enjoy being told to butt out - nicely hehe

 

[believetheunseen]

Wow, wasn't expecting so many responses. Thank you very much for all that replied. God most definitely had His hand on me while that conversation happened. I haven't responded to the email yet, but we have spoken online since, and she didn't mention it so I didn't. She was very pleasant, the woman I recognize when I see her interacting with other people. She did offer some more advice, but I think it's so second nature to her to just throw in her two cents that I didn't comment, and since it wasn't worded as an attack I didn't mind.
Thank you again for your kind replies and encouragement, I truly appreciate a place where I can bounce things like this off of other (more wise) people.
God Bless!

 

[believetheunseen]

I have taken a few weeks to think this through before I decided to post it on here again. I am really struggling, and I need some prayer and maybe some guidance.
If you've read this thread, you know that my sister-in-law likes to give advice and comment on my life, most often on things that are not issues at all. Well, over Thanksgiving, I was reminded where she got that trait. Her parents, my in-laws.
Our small 'confrontation' about the dog apparently got the ball rolling, and the visit to the in-laws was where it started speeding up.
It started small, them noticing we didn't have a new puppy. My husband decided against it, on my behalf, because he realized the amount of work he would add. We are thinking of waiting until next summer, or until one of our little dogs passes. They decided it was important we knew why they didn't want us to get a new dog, even though the decision was made. I was somewhat in shock and not sure what to do, so we just sat and took it.
Then the comments started coming. His mother, who has brain cancer and may not live much longer, started the weekend by calling my husband her nickname from his childhood, "Little Jimmer". Not a big deal, just a slip or out of habit. But Little Jimmer was always followed by something negative or suggestive. They brought up every single time we had disagreed with them or acted "against their wishes", which are some of the most negative times in my life.
When we got married, where we lived, the job my husband accepted, the church we started attending and when we bought our house are just a few examples.
I would get into detail, but I'm afraid it would go from mild complaining to a full out rant. If anyone is in need of details to better share their suggestions, I'll start then.
I'm just at a loss. First and foremost, my husband is a respectable man and I feel the need to defend him from his family. He gets frustrated about it but it bothers him less than me-- he expects nothing else from them, he knows no matter what he says they will be this way.
Secondly, feeling unaccepted by the family I became a member of three years ago. There is a lot of back story to this that makes it so much more difficult for me, but for the first time in my life I recognize a "grudge" against them and it's horrible. My mother-in-law is dying of brain cancer, I shouldn't be angry with her (I shouldn't under any circumstances, but this makes it feel more urgent).
I don't understand why I am unacceptable. We did everything "right", as in, what they wanted, except timing. And because our initial timing, three years ago, was off from what they were hoping, we have been labeled irresponsible and therefore the recipient of non-stop comments and advice.
I also don't understand why it's ONLY us they have a problem with. Other people get married at the age we did and they are overjoyed. I know he's their son, but it makes the whole ordeal hurt worse. Am I really so unworthy of their family that they would rather congratulate two strangers than even think to congratulate their own son?
I'm sorry, it's starting to devolve into a rant.
I love my in-laws, and other than their obvious opinion on my decisions, they are incredible people. I'm just so frustrated.
Is there anything I can do to get them to stop? Do I really just have to "deal"?

 

[b.hopeful]

Something I picked up along the way that has helped me immensely with everyone, especially my own mother.........we can't change people, we can only change how they effect us. You have a lot of power...you are not a victim. You can lay it on the line and tell them that you will not accept being second class any longer. They will respect you..or you will have to sever ties. Tell them you love them, you want to be a family, but because of how they treat you, you are finding it hard to love them and yourself at the same time. And then...........follow through. After you make it clear to them what they are doing...the next time you are around them and they start you call them on it and if they don't pull back...you leave. period. The ball will be in their court...be nice or be distanced.

My mother was THE WORST about criticizing me and never having a nice thing to say. I grew up with it. Then I moved away. When I came back to my home state I realized that I felt good about myself when I wasn't around someone(my whole family is really like this) that was only interested in walking all over me. So I put my foot down. It was hard...real hard...and it took a few years until we got it worked out. (probably around 5+) But it worked. Today, my mom called and we belly laughed for a long time. Every now and then I have to stand up for myself again...but it's easier. It also helped me with the inlaws. I get along great with dh's stepmom(even though she hated me initially and wouldn't come to our wedding shower). My mil has decided she'd rather not talk to me than be nice to me. Before anyone thinks I'm a wretched beast,lol, his family is very catholic and I am not. We were not married in church nor have we raised the kids to be catholic so they are very very bitter. My dh is a complete devout atheist and of course, that's my fault.

You can not change them....you can only change how you deal with them.

 

[believetheunseen]

Thank you for the response, B. I suppose I knew that what you said is really the best and only option at this point, I just am so unsure of myself when I get around them that it's hard to stand up for myself in that situation. And with his mom ill, it makes me feel disgusting to be mad at her, and shiver at the idea of telling her to back off. I can't imagine what the rest of the family would do if I did that, but like you said, if they act how I think they will, I will have to distance.
Thanks for reminding me that I can't change them... I've always known it, but I wish it weren't true, lol.

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

Keep the issues seperate, cancer does not mean someone can mistreat you.
Your husband grew up with this, that's why it's more comfortable for him than you. Their role is control his role is keep quiet to keep the peace. You don't have to join in their dynamic, and you can maintain your maturity and kindness at the same time.
Your husband will witness your better behaviour and over time may come to realise how much they have had over him for so long.

 

[b.hopeful]

You don't have to be mean about it...and it's not mean to tell people how to treat you. When you address them...use "I" statments. Because ultimately, it's about how you feel. Tell them what you need. Then the choice is theirs.....be humans and treat a family member with some respect...or continue on their way and lose that connection. Don't bring up individual past indiscretions....just tell them what you need from that moment on.

My mom and I used to argue over all this old baggage and then it hit me one day...it's not about what happened in the past...it's about making sure that the past doesn't become my future.