How can I better defend getting married at a young age?

[Gnarwhal]

Those of you who know my story know that before I was Catholic I got married just after turning 22. Unfortunately the marriage didn't last and we divorced at 26. A couple years later while I was in RCIA I wanted to know what the Church said one way or another about the marriage's validity so I could best prepare for my life as a Catholic either as a celibate or as someone who could have another chance and seek out a Catholic wife. Turns out it was the latter case and the first marriage was invalid.

Anyway, I see a lot of discussions elsewhere about getting married young, sometimes the OP is for it and others they're against. I always prefer to advocate for young marriage because I think it's an objective good. I think the couple grows together better when they have an early start, and most importantly there's a reason our best child bearing years are in our late teens and early twenties. Secular society has wired itself against that by culturally encouraging people to prioritize college and careers first, which end up occupying the space of that same age range and supplanting our prime child bearing years.

The problem is, if I go into more depth about my own experiences while defending young marriage, it seems contradictory, paradoxical or just generally invalid. Because I don't regret getting married young, but the outcome of that marriage nevertheless makes people think that it disproves my point. I can objectively see all sorts of good that came out of that marriage, and separate that from what was wrong and what lead to its end. First and foremost, we weren't Catholic, and if we had been the foundational understanding of Holy Matrimony being a sacrament would surely have done a lot to change our perspective on the situation and also given us so many more resources to fix things.

I often find myself wishing I had met my wife 15 years ago so we could've gotten married when I was 18 and she was 21. Having married in our mid-thirties the possibility of having fewer kids stings, which was compounded by some complications she had from our sons birth last January. If we're lucky she'll be able to bear kids into her mid-forties like her mom did, but who knows now with one ovary.

Anyway, sorry for straying slightly OT but from your perspective does the fact that my young marriage ended in divorce discredit or disqualify me from advocating for young people to get married and starting families in their late teens and early twenties?

 

[Michie]

Those of you who know my story know that before I was Catholic I got married just after turning 22. Unfortunately the marriage didn't last and we divorced at 26. A couple years later while I was in RCIA I wanted to know what the Church said one way or another about the marriage's validity so I could best prepare for my life as a Catholic either as a celibate or as someone who could have another chance and seek out a Catholic wife. Turns out it was the latter case and the first marriage was invalid.

Anyway, I see a lot of discussions elsewhere about getting married young, sometimes the OP is for it and others they're against. I always prefer to advocate for young marriage because I think it's an objective good. I think the couple grows together better when they have an early start, and most importantly there's a reason our best child bearing years are in our late teens and early twenties. Secular society has wired itself against that by culturally encouraging people to prioritize college and careers first, which end up occupying the space of that same age range and supplanting our prime child bearing years.

The problem is, if I go into more depth about my own experiences while defending young marriage, it seems contradictory, paradoxical or just generally invalid. Because I don't regret getting married young, but the outcome of that marriage nevertheless makes people think that it disproves my point. I can objectively see all sorts of good that came out of that marriage, and separate that from what was wrong and what lead to its end. First and foremost, we weren't Catholic, and if we had been the foundational understanding of Holy Matrimony being a sacrament would surely have done a lot to change our perspective on the situation and also given us so many more resources to fix things.

I often find myself wishing I had met my wife 15 years ago so we could've gotten married when I was 18 and she was 21. Having married in our mid-thirties the possibility of having fewer kids stings, which was compounded by some complications she had from our sons birth last January. If we're lucky she'll be able to bear kids into her mid-forties like her mom did, but who knows now with one ovary.

Anyway, sorry for straying slightly OT but from your perspective does the fact that my young marriage ended in divorce discredit or disqualify me from advocating for young people to get married and starting families in their late teens and early twenties?

No not at all. You have seen both sides of the situation. Young marriage used to be the norm for various reasons. Today it has fallen out of favor.

 

[chevyontheriver]

No not at all. You have seen both sides of the situation. Young marriage used to be the norm for various reasons. Today it has fallen out of favor.

Agreed. If I was to do it over again I would do it much earlier. We tend to prolong adolescence way too long. Thus the phenomenon of grown men living in their parent's basements playing video games while decent women ask where all the decent men have gone.

Straightening it all out would be a massive effort. The culture is pretty much against it, but then the culture has lousy support for marriage at any age. Marriage by twenty should be a normal thing again.

 

[JimR-OCDS]

My wife and myself got married when we were 23 years of age.

This Friday will make 50 years of marriage. I wouldn't have it any other way!

 

[Gnarwhal]

Agreed. If I was to do it over again I would do it much earlier. We tend to prolong adolescence way too long. Thus the phenomenon of grown men living in their parent's basements playing video games while decent women ask where all the decent men have gone.

Which I've seen a lot of the past couple of years.

Straightening it all out would be a massive effort. The culture is pretty much against it, but then the culture has lousy support for marriage at any age. Marriage by twenty should be a normal thing again.

I don't think it'll ever become mainstream in the secular culture again but I think there's still a chance the Church culture could return to it. I mean, in some spaces of the Church you can already see it happening.

My wife and myself got married when we were 23 years of age.

This Friday will make 50 years of marriage. I wouldn't have it any other way!

Congratulations! May you have many more years together!

 

[RileyG]

Your marriage is your decision. You don't have to defend it to anyone.

God's abundant blessings upon you

 

[SavedByGrace3]

I recommend against it. I have a relative who married at 15. She is in her 4th marriage now.
Don't do it.

 

[Michie]

I recommend against it. I have a relative who married at 15. She is in her 4th marriage now.
Don't do it.

My grandma married at 12.

 

[mourningdove~]

Many young people today do not appear emotionally mature enough for marriage, though of course, there can be exceptions.

For that reason, I do not support the idea of young marriages.
In the old days? Fine.
But nowadays? Our society is loaded with immature young people, and "snowflakes" who are too 'fragile' for marriage.

If someone wants to try and turn the trend around? More power to you!
But first, I think we need pray for a spiritual revival in the Country, and definitely within the Church.

... Without God, marriages fail and can even be a source of great suffering.

 

[Gnarwhal]

Many young people today do not appear emotionally mature enough for marriage, though of course, there can be exceptions.

For that reason, I do not support the idea of young marriages.
In the old days? Fine.
But nowadays? Our society is loaded with immature young people, and "snowflakes" who are too 'fragile' for marriage.

If someone wants to try and turn the trend around? More power to you!
But first, I think we need pray for a spiritual revival in the Country, and definitely within the Church.

... Without God, marriages fail and can even be a source of great suffering.

I see what you mean. The one exception I see, coincidentally, is the kids who are sincere Catholics. The ones who paid attention to the lessons in religious ed, internalized the faith, and have willingly chosen to obey it and follow Christ on a personal level.

But otherwise I agree with you that most kids that age are horribly stunted. My own step kids are fine examples of this. Very self-indulgent and ignorant of the world around them. Not sheltered exactly, but an ignorance that spawns from apathy and selfishness.

Though, I think in some cases at least marriage would correct that if the family supported them in the right way (most importantly by not letting them think they can bail on the marriage when things get tough).

 

[mourningdove~]

I see what you mean. The one exception I see, coincidentally, is the kids who are sincere Catholics. The ones who paid attention to the lessons in religious ed, internalized the faith, and have willingly chosen to obey it and follow Christ on a personal level.

Being much younger than I, you tend to have a fresh perspective on things!

So, from your perspective, are you seeing those young sincere Catholics?
They certainly don't make the 'evening news' ... but are they out there?
Do they still exist? (I don't 'see' them, where I am at.)

(Note: Impression I get is that there may actually be a bunch, at Steubenville ... )

 

[Gnarwhal]

Being much younger than I, you tend to have a fresh perspective on things!

So, from your perspective, are you seeing those young sincere Catholics?
They certainly don't make the 'evening news' ... but are they out there?
Do they still exist? (I don't 'see' them, where I am at.)

(Note: Impression I get is that there may actually be a bunch, at Steubenville ... )

I think so, they usually end up married at a young age haha.

There are quite a few at my parish and by the time they're my age (mid thirties) they have several kids. Obviously they're adults now so they're not just attending Mass because mom and dad made them, and they don't seem to be going for superficial social reasons either.

Though admittedly, it seems like my parish is more often than not the exception and not the rule. One of the few novus ordo parishes that is thriving and has plenty of young families.