"You're not ready"....

[JRSut1000]

I am married and have a 1 year old. Okay, now that that's out of the way. Today my mom was over my house and she told me "You're not ready to have another one [baby]".

The reason? Apparantly because I and my husband are too disorganized to handle it. Yup! I was honestly hurt and offended by that because it seems nothing I do is good enough for her. She'll always think I'm a bad wife because I can't keep the house neat and keep up with laundry and she says the place is dirty. She has an opinion about EVERYTHING! But I feel it's just not her place to go and tell me 'you're not ready for another'. How hurtful! How would you response to something like that? I'm no neat freak, but my house is nothing to call CS about (not saying anyone has, I just mean it's not dangerous or whatever) and then she saw that the baby's hands were cold and she felt all sorry for her and tried to hint at me that she's better at taking care of the baby. I told her take her for a few days and see how hard it is (just to prove a point). Some days I wish my parents never moved down South near us. It's just so bittersweet.

I also told her to stop nagging and that it just isn't her place to say things like that. Her usual response was "Well, I wouldnt have to say anything and you know the rest". *sighs* I honestly feel dominated when really I should just be enjoying life with my husband and baby even if it's not perfect. One of these days I'll be strong enough (or mad enough) to say what I probably really need to say (hopefully in respect) so that we can have a healthier relationship.

 

[JRSut1000]

This isn't just a vent, it's a 'how would you response?' I lose it every time something like that comes up. I can handle some minor nit-picky things but not big blanket statements like that. It just makes me feel angry and so defensive and not to mention not as excited about the prospect of another pregnancy.

 

[Luther073082]

To be honest I think my response would be something to the effect that my spouse and I will decide whats right for our family.

 

[TheProject]

My advice to you is the same I give my wife, you have to stop letting her insert herself in your life. For my wife, this is different in that her mom calls her up angry over irrational things (and I mean bizarre). I've told her (and our pastor agrees) to stop talking to her when she is like that. If she keeps calling, let the phone ring. It is all a control issue with her and as long as it is allowed, even if that just means listening, it will continue.

I don't know your exact details or if your mom is working to maintain some kind of control in your life, but, if you feel that may be the case, I would urge you to find someway to take away the control, even if it is just cutting her off when she starts giving you "advice." You don't have to be cold or anything, just say something like the previous poster suggested, that you and your husband will make your own decisions and, though you appreciate her trying to help, if you need her advice or opinions, you will ask her for them. It is tough, but try not to get angry. It almost sounds like she is poking you just to elicit this kind of response. I truly believe that if you can keep yourself from responding in anger and cutting this conversation path off, you will see a change. Of course, I could also be completely off base, but hopefully I've been a little helpful.

I know these situations stink b/c it seems like you're going to hurt someone whichever way you turn. Good luck and I'll keep you in my prayers.

 

[Deliberatetourist]

My wife and I probably "weren't ready by most peoples' standards to have our second child only 1 1/2 year after our first. It was the fact that my parents had my brother and I 9 years apart which motivated me to want to have my kids close together. My brother and I are from two completely different generations and have virtually nothing in common.

 

[If Not For Grace]

Mom's often see their children as a reflection of THEMselves. If you don't take cleaning as seriously as she did it may make her feel that you think her priorities
were out of line or overrated.

Is your Mom a Christian? If so when she berates some caregiving skill etc just say something like "God's still in charge; you need not worry".

If she calls you "sloppy" or some equivalent Smile and say "we prefer; Relaxed"
and if she persists say "got it on tape Mom, Record #33 Trac 4-then Thank her
for her concern with a I know you mean well, but it's getting a little redundant today, ok-let's just lighten up & have some fun. Then Re-direct her attention to some other activity.

Now if she persists after several redirections you may have to get firmer. Put up a sign that says My House, My Rules & Point to it when she starts and continue to point to it as long as she yaps (you say nothing-just point) when she stops say Thanks.

There are more & More levels but try these 1st. I got a MNL who's a piece of work so
I can really relate. Mine would not let me be nice for YEARS, we're still not the best of friends, but we've finally come to an understanding that works 85% of the time
The other 15% she just has to spend getting mad and getting over

 

[CrystalBrooke]

I would just tell her that I didn't ask for her opinion and will do whatever I want. When my MIL comments on how my house isn't just spotless I usually respond with "then you don't have to come over and look at it"...I've got enough to worry about with my job and child and sick family members to give a hoot about if someone thinks I'm ready to have another child or how clean my house is.