Your wife first or your mom and family?

[aaron3719]

I recently got married and moved out of the house and into an apartment with my wife. I've been living with my parents all my life and it was just me and my sister who's now in college so she doesn't really live at home anymore.

Before getting married, I was giving my Dad $700 out of my $1900 paycheck every month to help pay for the house or what he says.

Now that I'm out of the house and having to pay my own bills(we still have a lot of debt from the wedding) I'm afraid I won't be able to help my parents anymore until our debts go down. My wife was not so thrill about me helping and I can understand where she's coming from. The thing is I don't know how to say no to my parents. My mom keeps asking me to help and I just don't know what to say anymore.

Can you guys help me on how to approach this the proper way without making anybody mad?

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

Just lay it out strait to them: you have bills of your own you need to take care of and you cannot afford to put yourself and your wife in the same position they are in right now. I would ask them if they think it's fair that they put you in that kind of position.

Help where you can, but you need to put your own family first now that you are on your own. There are assistance programs that can help them further if they need it.

 

[aaron3719]

Thanks Niobium, it's just been stressing me out so bad..
What kind of assistance program are you referring to?

 

[The Nihilist]

Thanks Niobium, it's just been stressing me out so bad..
What kind of assistance program are you referring to?

Are you in the US?

 

[iambren]

YOU are the head of a new home and your allegiance is to provide for your wife and home. Families will sometimes give or loan money to those in TEMPORARY need but not ongoing.

If you have been living with your parents for a good while it would be nice to give SOME until they can adjust on soc security or a reverse mortgage. This definitely shouldn't be the big sum you mentioned. You could say "Mom/Dad I need to take all my earnings to start a home with my wife. I know this is a change and I don't want you to freeze this winter so I will take care of your heating bill through March". Just a gesture to wean off and your wife may be set at ease to see an end to all this.

 

[aaron3719]

Are you in the US?

Yes I am

 

[aaron3719]

YOU are the head of a new home and your allegiance is to provide for your wife and home. Families will sometimes give or loan money to those in TEMPORARY need but not ongoing.

If you have been living with your parents for a good while it would be nice to give SOME until they can adjust on soc security or a reverse mortgage. This definitely shouldn't be the big sum you mentioned. You could say "Mom/Dad I need to take all my earnings to start a home with my wife. I know this is a change and I don't want you to freeze this winter so I will take care of your heating bill through March". Just a gesture to wean off and your wife may be set at ease to see an end to all this.

Thanks Iambren, But do you think that if I help now, they will come back to me asking for more later? back to that emotional well? I know I should be grateful because my mom was the one who raised me up. I'm gonna pay her cell phone bill for her. I've helped out so much that I didn't even have enough to pay my debts through college. I really want to separate and start my own family but it's like they keep pulling me back. My dad is another story, I didn't meet him until I was 9 so we have a different relationship.

Even when I was in college with a part time job, I had to give them 400 a month.

 

[The Nihilist]

Yes I am

Are your folks eligible for government assistance? Unemployment benefits, foodstamps, etc?

 

[aaron3719]

Are your folks eligible for government assistance? Unemployment benefits, foodstamps, etc?

I don't even know, but they probably can't handle the 1700 mortgage each month along with all the bills. My dad probably make 2000 each month and my mom probably 900 a month.

 

[Luther073082]

I wouldn't pay them one red cent. They are the ones who've overleveraged themselves into a morgage that they can't afford to pay.

You arn't helping them by giving them money, you rewarding them for being irresponsible.

You have your own bills now and your own wife. Worry about that.

They can make it on $2900 a month if they wheren't in a morgage that they can't afford.

 

[aaron3719]

right before my wedding, he went and bought a new car by taking out his 401K and now I don't even know how much they're taking out his paycheck

 

[Melethiel]

You shouldn't be rewarding them for their irresponsibility.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

I'm with the others. It was their choice to be irresponsible with their money, and in no way should you feel guilted into helping because of their bad decisions. They will do one of two things - they will either find a way to make that extra money appear (fight for promotions, side job, side business, etc) or they will drown under the weight of that mortgage, at which point they will have (hopefully) learned the hard way to make better choices next time.

 

[The Nihilist]

right before my wedding, he went and bought a new car by taking out his 401K and now I don't even know how much they're taking out his paycheck

That's messed up. Take care of your wife.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

right before my wedding, he went and bought a new car by taking out his 401K and now I don't even know how much they're taking out his paycheck

Nuff said, I thought they were just having a tough time of things, but they are simply irresponsible with cash. I wouldn't give them a dime. They put themselves into this position by buying things they couldn't afford. They need to become more responsible with how they spend their money.

 

[peckaboo]

You're definitely not helping them; you're enabling them to carry on in this irresponsible lifestyle. If I was in your wife's position, I'd be pretty mad right now. Presumably somewhere in your marriage vows you promised to be faithful to her, "foresaking all others as long as you both shall live", or similar wording. This doesn't just mean not sleeping with anyone else; it means being primarily on team "Aaron+wife", with any other loyalties coming second to that. (Apart from your allegiance to Christ, obviously.) Is your dad a Christian? If so, you might point out to him, respectfully but firmly, that you're told in scripture to leave your parents and cleave to your wife.

 

[Inkachu]

Once you leave your parents and get married, your spouse comes first for the rest of your lives.

Your parents have no right to depend on you, their child, to support them. Especially with a new wife and household of your own to support.

I'd just say "I'm sorry - I love you - but I just can't afford to keep supporting you guys financially." Just lay it out there. Money doesn't equal love; just because you can't give them money doesn't mean you love them any less. And they should know that. If they don't... that's THEIR incorrect thinking, and not your problem.

 

[Luther073082]

I will mention one thing you could do since they gave you the car. . . You could offer to give them the car back if that will help them financially speaking.

By doing that you are helping them undo some of their irresponsibility and helping them out financially, but you arn't rewarding them or saving them from their own irresponsiblity.

I don't know how that would affect you though. You may need to obtain your own car.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

Leave and cleave my friend. You are no longer your parents' responsibility and they are not yours. Just stop giving them money, you can't afford it and quite frankly, it's not your place to do it. If they get upset so what..what are they going to do to you? Ground you? Nope. Suck it up and stop enabling them.

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

Your parents are financially irresponsible. They are in over their heads living beyond their means and need to get the wake up call that you will not be there to bail them out.

This is an odd situation because in most cases I've seen it's the parents bailing out the financially irresponsible children. In your case you have been bailing out your financially irresponsible parents with your $700/month contribution for however long you've been contributing that.

And holy crap a $1700/month mortgage!? That's a huge mortgage bill. According to my calculations at 4.75% interest a $1700/month bill pays off a $326,000 mortgage. Your parents need to find a cheaper house and get out of that monstrous mortgage asap.