Okay, going to give the run down.....In 06 i accepted Christ......Now I was dealing with auditory voices and visuals and I checked myself in.......They asked me do I want to be admitted or seen out patient......I said out patient....So when I get home that night i toke on a bowl of weed and thought i was in a Mario game......I started to weep cause the psychotic symptoms started flaring up like they did in 05 when I had a massive psychosis.
For a few weeks I had started to think about what happened to me and thinking it was all supernatural.....I got a eerie yet exciting feeling that God had chosen me for a special purpose. So I accepted Christ and became extremely optimistic. I had court payments that i didn't pay so by dec of 06 I had to go back to jail......It didn't bother me the second go around like the first with no advocate and left there to rot under all the detoxing I was going thru.....I was extremely happy that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.....So my ministry began as a very high optimistic person who wanted to be the next Billy Graham......I told myself repeatedly that he was my equal and that I was going to be someone great.......My the end of december I got out signing that I would agree to payments and I did. I got a job.
I was happy all the time. i don't want to use the word "HIGH" because I just want who ever reads this to understand what I was and still to this day think.....I worked hard....I was a little bit paranoid but not to bad....I saved my money and Christ was the center of my life. I desired my ex back and told everyone that I believe God will save her and that we would get back together......So from January or 07 to Feb 08 I worked and was zealous about God..... Sometimes ppl would tick me off and I couldn't get over it for like a week....
I remember chasing that happy feeling like a high.....I tried to do everything right just to feel like I was in the rights with God....Soon I realized that me and my ex where never getting back together. First Blow. Second I started realizing that what I had went thru in 05 was something of a mental illness. I go get checked and they prescribe me risperdal......Than in May of 08 I decided well what the hell I'll just do what I want since everything I thought was real wasn't. That very day I got hit with massive waves of anxiety due to OCD....
I started losing everything. I started to become a hermit and the OCD theme changed to a religious one......I was tormented with anxiety for three years until I started seeing the doctor i se now gave me klonopin......
Here I am today wishing I could just grasp that I was hypo manic in 06 07 08. That what i really was feeling was Bipolar. Now I look at it and say. If that happiness that I was feeling was brought on by God was does it have such destructive power. Why does it decide whether i will get out of bed or live my life......The depression really sucks......And I didn't get that until I started taking medication.....So I know all in all that there trying to help me but I'm suffering.....The happy feeling is trying to rule my life and dictate whether I do get out and have fun or I live in torment. Does this make sense to anybody with BP I or II?
For a few weeks I had started to think about what happened to me and thinking it was all supernatural.....I got a eerie yet exciting feeling that God had chosen me for a special purpose. So I accepted Christ and became extremely optimistic. I had court payments that i didn't pay so by dec of 06 I had to go back to jail......It didn't bother me the second go around like the first with no advocate and left there to rot under all the detoxing I was going thru.....I was extremely happy that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.....So my ministry began as a very high optimistic person who wanted to be the next Billy Graham......I told myself repeatedly that he was my equal and that I was going to be someone great.......My the end of december I got out signing that I would agree to payments and I did. I got a job.
I was happy all the time. i don't want to use the word "HIGH" because I just want who ever reads this to understand what I was and still to this day think.....I worked hard....I was a little bit paranoid but not to bad....I saved my money and Christ was the center of my life. I desired my ex back and told everyone that I believe God will save her and that we would get back together......So from January or 07 to Feb 08 I worked and was zealous about God..... Sometimes ppl would tick me off and I couldn't get over it for like a week....
I remember chasing that happy feeling like a high.....I tried to do everything right just to feel like I was in the rights with God....Soon I realized that me and my ex where never getting back together. First Blow. Second I started realizing that what I had went thru in 05 was something of a mental illness. I go get checked and they prescribe me risperdal......Than in May of 08 I decided well what the hell I'll just do what I want since everything I thought was real wasn't. That very day I got hit with massive waves of anxiety due to OCD....
I started losing everything. I started to become a hermit and the OCD theme changed to a religious one......I was tormented with anxiety for three years until I started seeing the doctor i se now gave me klonopin......
Here I am today wishing I could just grasp that I was hypo manic in 06 07 08. That what i really was feeling was Bipolar. Now I look at it and say. If that happiness that I was feeling was brought on by God was does it have such destructive power. Why does it decide whether i will get out of bed or live my life......The depression really sucks......And I didn't get that until I started taking medication.....So I know all in all that there trying to help me but I'm suffering.....The happy feeling is trying to rule my life and dictate whether I do get out and have fun or I live in torment. Does this make sense to anybody with BP I or II?
