Young Engagement?

[je93]

Hi everyone I have a bit of a problem. I am unsure weather it is a good idea for my boyfriend and I to get engaged any time in the near future.
I would like to start out by saying that we are both 18 years old and seniors in high school. We have only been "dating" for 7 months but we have been "courting" for about 10.5. By courting i mean that we started out as friends. As we began to notice our growing attraction to eachother we talked about it and decided that we both valued our friendship more than a short romantic fling that could have been the result if we took our relationship past the platonic level. After this conversation we both continued to grow closer to eachother untill the point that we were having a hard time refrianing form acting like romantic couple. At this point we had another conversation and we decided that it was time for him to ask my father if he could date me.
We are both strong christians, and we have similar backgrounds, we were both homeschooled untill high school when we both started at the same school as freshmen.
We really do ( i hate to say this and sound like just another teen age girl) love eachother and both of our familys like eachother. My parents like him but they have reservations "we like him, just not for our little girl to marry" his family likes me, but I am his first girl friend and he is the youngest so his mother is a little protective.
We both have plans for college but they are in diffrent towns, 3hours away from eachother.
I have been praying about it but am still unsure.
My question is, should we get engaged soon? we both want the same things in our married lifes, but are we too young? and is it too soon? it has only been 7 months of acctual dating.

 

[Redheadedstepchild]

Mod Hat

This thread has been moved from Christian Forums How-To to the present location. Please carry on!

 

[mandyangel]

I don't think 18 is too young. If you love eachother, then I think you should get engaged if your serious about sharing your lives. But it is not crazy to want more time to date.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

I think you'll both find that you will change in a lot of ways within the next few years. Don't rush into anything. It seems like you want to get engaged now now now, but real relationships develop over time and you both will mature over your college years much more than you are now.

 

[K9_Trainer]

Honestly, I wouldn't. You change a LOT in the years between 18 and the early 20's. You get exposed to a lot of new things and new ideas and new ways of living in college and you're probably going to end up changing your mind on some things and questioning what you currently believe. You'll grow as a person and mature even more.

You're still figuring out what you want to do with your life, both of you. You're going to different colleges, you may be studying different things. It'll be at least 4 years before you graduate and figure out once again what you want to do...Working, grad school, where you want to live, what grad school you want to go to if you go down that route. Whatever you do, don't sacrifice your education and what you want to do in life.

Just relax and let things flow and if it works out, then it works out. Getting engaged when you're 4 years+ away from marriage is silly. It's not going to add more commitment than is already there, it's not going to keep you together through the distance and as you both grow and mature more.

 

[MuffinTheMan]

I am unsure weather it is a good idea for my boyfriend and I to get engaged any time in the near future.

My best advice is to not get engaged unless you can set a date for the wedding, and I don't think it is wise to get engaged if marriage is not an imminent possibility. Long engagements can be very dangerous because sexual desires get harder to control the longer the waiting period is (and sexual immorality is a very serious sin - 1 Corinthians 6:18).

My parents like him but they have reservations "we like him, just not for our little girl to marry" his family likes me, but I am his first girl friend and he is the youngest so his mother is a little protective.

Do you know whether your parents or his parents have any real issues with either you or your boyfriend? Sometimes parents can see things from their perspective that are difficult to see from up close. If they have any genuine concerns, those should definitely be considered (parents generally have a bit of wisdom ).

Continue praying and seeking God's will. Remember, the Bible tells us in James 1:5-6a, "if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without any doubting..." God promises that if you ask for wisdom in faith, He will grant it generously!

The Bible says nothing about a magic age that a couple must be in order to marry--just make sure you are both spiritually mature and prepared for all that is involved in marriage, because divorce should never be an option!

"'For I hate divorce,' says the LORD, the God of Israel..." - Malachi 2:16a

"And He said to them, 'Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.'” - Mark 10:11-12

Caleb

 

[je93]

thanks so much for taking the time to respond I just wanted to say a few things.
I asked this question because my boyfriend was talking about it. it was not my idea at all! In fact he scared me half to death when he started takling about comitment and maraige. I think waiting is a good idea but at the same time i do love him.
And about parents having wisdom, i know they do! They only thing my parents have against him is that he "isnt good enough for me"
I just wanted to see what other people who were not emotionaly attatched to the situation had to say

Thanks again

 

[MuffinTheMan]

They only thing my parents have against him is that he "isnt good enough for me"

You don't have to post anything (you can just think about it), but do your parents have reasons for why they think this?

You are wise to seek counsel from "third party" individuals who aren't emotionally involved in the situation. Just remember that not all advice on this forum (or any other) is always good advice, and you should always use discernment and search God's Word to determine what is good (regardless of who is writing the posts)

 

[Luther073082]

thanks so much for taking the time to respond I just wanted to say a few things.
I asked this question because my boyfriend was talking about it. it was not my idea at all! In fact he scared me half to death when he started takling about comitment and maraige. I think waiting is a good idea but at the same time i do love him.
And about parents having wisdom, i know they do! They only thing my parents have against him is that he "isnt good enough for me"
I just wanted to see what other people who were not emotionaly attatched to the situation had to say

Thanks again

I wouldn't take the "isn't good enough for you" seriously unless there is a real reason or problem with the specific person. . . Sometimes parents are uncomfortable with their child growing up, and especially if you are talking about marriage. . . that is evidenced here.

Based on your age and life situation, engagement is not wise at this point. You don't seem terribly comfortable with this, this doesn't seem to be well thought out either.

I would wait until you are about 22 or 23 to get engaged. While we always change, at 22 to 23 we generally start to know who we are and understand ourselves better seperate from our parents.

I definatly agree with the people who have said you change a lot. Most people really do. You are just in the process of starting to figure out who you are as an adult, and also in the process of learning how to be an adult. Learning to be an adult can be a steep learning curve. . . Marriage is another steep learning curve. . . its a bad idea to be learning both at once. Even worse when combined with figuring out who you are too.

 

[Verve]

I agree with the idea of waiting until you can set a wedding date to get engaged.
Especially since you will be going to school so far away from each other.

 

[Inkachu]

Getting engaged means "we are going to start planning a wedding". If you aren't ready to get married, don't get engaged. That's JMHO.

 

[muffinsofchaos]

Pray about it, get counseling from your pastor/minister, and see what they have for advice. It's probably more reliable than what you'll get from strangers on an internet forum.

 

[iambren]

If you'll be attending colleges 3 hrs apart then don't get married. Let it be a test of your relationship in the "real" world. The decision should become clearer to merge or break up.

 

[peckaboo]

College is often a time when people's beliefs and values are tested and honed. You change in all kinds of ways, not least because it's often the first time that you're living outside the family home and you get to carve out your own identity that's not contingent on being "so-and-so's daughter / sister". Many people leave college and find that they're almost a different person than the one that went in - not necessarily better or worse, just different. So bear in mind that the college experience could be a time that God uses to mould you and shape your desires for the future, and you may come out of college and find that you're not as compatible as you thought.

 

[patsyjean89]

18 is way to young to think about marriage! your so young, live your life before you settle down! You have so much time to think about marriage! Have fun right now! I am 22 and think that ill be ready for marriage when im around 25! I think 25 is a good age! I would like to finish school and get a good job before i get married!

 

[LinkH]

Honor your father and mother. If they don't approve, don't get engaged. If he starts talking about marriage, tell him to talk about it with your dad.

Your parents probably can see things about him that you can't see. Rather, they know more about what a husband should be like than you do, and maybe they don't see those qualities yet. Maybe they haven't emerged in an 18 year old yet, but they could in a few years.

If I were your dad, I would ask him how he was going to provide for you. I'd tell him to get a job or get close to having one, and then maybe we could talk. You could agree not to date anyone else, too. You could talk on the phone and/or Skype in college since you are going to different places.

When you both finish college, if he is still serious about marrying you, then you could take it from there. If he found a way to support you before then, and your parents agree, you could do that as well.

 

[K9_Trainer]

Do listen to what your parents say. I was dating when I was 18 and though my parents were ok with the guy I was dating and supported me, they didn't really like him. They believed he wasn't good enough for me, and they didn't like that he had no ambition and came from a very low income family. And they told me this. Me, being blinded by love, didn't agree. I figured "I'm his girlfriend, I know him better than my parents do". I honestly thought that he did have ambition and he did want to go to college and be productive and have a nice income.

We broke up after about 14 months, and 4 years later, guess where he is...He works for minimum wage at a gas station and lives with a girl he got engaged to purely out of convenience to give his parents an excuse to move out. He barely makes enough money to pay his own bills. Out of a yearly salary, only about $200 is left over after all bills, fees, and rent payed for and food bought, and that goes into an emergency fund because he doesn't have health insurance. He's spineless. He may want to change and he may want a better life than his parents, but he is too big of a baby to take risks and do what needs to be done and take those extreme measures.

Turns out, my parents were right. And I'm glad we broke up because he's not the kind of person I want to be with and share my life with. I was pretty mature for my age, but I was still completely and utterly naive.

This is why I recommend taking your time. I honestly don't believe that anybody is ready to be married at 18. You still have a lot of learning to do and experience to have to gain wisdom just like I did. Had I married my ex (and thats what we were talking about!), who knows what a horrible decision that would have been. Maybe I would have quit college. Maybe I'd be working at that gas station too. How sad it would have been if I gave up my passion, biology and having a career in it, for a spineless boy. Instead, I have a degree in biology and I'm working on my masters. I'm also dating a guy who's nearly done with his undergrad in geology and plans to get a masters, probably in bio. It's a stable, non-long distance relationship and there's no question of where we will be in 4 years or whether we will be different people.

Yes, for a lot of parents, nobody will EVER be good enough for their little girl. I know my dad would consider a multi-millionaire lawyer or doctor to be "good enough". I'm sure he's somewhat being facetious, but if I really did marry a man like that, he wouldn't complain. I can say now that a man like that isn't what I want and mean it, but at 18, I truly didn't know what I wanted. Obviously. Just look at what my ex, who I "KNEW" I wanted ended up being. But my parents did know what I wanted and they did know what was best.

Anyway, I don't mean to belittle you because of your age and I'm sorry if that's how my post comes across. But seriously, your parents probably DO know best and it's best to wait until you are older to get married, especially if your partner is young too. Let yourself and him grow up and gain some experience and establish who you are as individuals.

 

[LinkH]

Some other thoughts....

When I was looking to get married, I kept this in mind. In the Old Testament, if a man got betrothed to a woman, it took a divorce to break the union. I did not want to get engaged unless I was making a life-time commitment at that moment.

Jesus said that if a man divorces his wife, except it be for fornication, and marries another, he commits adultery, and he that marries her that is divorced commits adultery.

For me, when I got engaged, Iw as fully committed to marriage. There was no backing out at the altar like in Hollywood movies (I hate that theme.) This was it.

In the Old Testament, a couple was generally betrothed when the groom makes an agreement with the bride's father to take her as his wife. It involved a bride price in their culture. My wife was from a culture where you weren't engaged until you went to the parents and got their consent. It was important for me to have it, so I took a two or three day boat ride on a ship that felt like a refugee or cattle ship it was so crowded to see my future in-laws to get their permission and work out the plan for the wedding. (It was the holidays and modes of transportation were all booked up.)

I don't think you should get engaged to marry a man unless he is ready to start planning a wedding, like Luther said. Strike while the iron is hot. Being in a multiple year engagement is not good either. When the time comes that you could get married, being engaged is no big deal since you have been engaged so long. So you may see no reason not to delay it further. If the other person does not see engagement as a life-time commitment, but rather something that can be broken off easily like a dating relationship, that would be no good to you. If he gets you a ring, and studies business or econ in school, he may think of the ring as 'sunk cost' too. I'd be kind of embarrassed to tell someone, "I've been engaged for three years."

I can't think of any good reasons for you to get engaged before it is time to marry. You could just agree not to date other people and see what kind of man he is. Wait until he wins your parents over. If he has to meet up to that challenge, that shows his commitment to you, which is a good thing to begin a marriage with. Also, honor your father and mother. In the Old Testament, the father is responsible for the daughter until she goes to be with her husband. You should have a loyalty to your family now, that transfers to your husband when you marry.