Young Age, different wants

[Seraphim19]

My girlfriend of almost 2 years told me tonight that she cannot see us getting married anytime soon, but possibly in the next few years. She said there are so many things she wants to do - like help orphans around the world (that is her dream and child development is her career path). I could be okay with that, the only problem is sex. We have not had sex but we are not far away. As most probably have experienced, sexual temptation only gets worse the longer you are with someone and I can feel it getting worse each month that goes by even though we are trying so hard to be pure.

I feel like I could be ready to marry someone within 2 years easily, but she is not so sure. She says here feelings towards marriage have nothing to do with me, she just wants to experience so much more before committing her life to someone else.

I am her first boyfriend, and she even said she has a hard time thinking of just being with one guy without knowing anything else the rest of her life.

We are very much in love but I feel like there is little direction right. It seems like the thing to do is have sex and play that part out until we are both ready at the same time to settle down together.

Seems pretty dumb huh?

 

[Tim114]

She said there are so many things she wants to do - like help orphans around the world (that is her dream and child development is her career path).

My girlfriend and I both share the 'dream' of helping people in Africa, but will most likely be married when we do get that chance. Maybe ask her if she could see you helping her in her dream (unless you think your path is different).

I could be okay with that, the only problem is sex. We have not had sex but we are not far away. As most probably have experienced, sexual temptation only gets worse the longer you are with someone and I can feel it getting worse each month that goes by even though we are trying so hard to be pure.

My relationship has been over 3 yrs so far. 2 in close contact and 1 long distance... although this year is not looking any better in the terms of social contact. I also get what you mean by sexual tension being a larger factor given time, but just cause this world is saturated in 'sex' keep in mind it does not equal love unless there is a friendship and commitment behind the desire.

So other then the release of 'pressure' think of the other possibilities of acting on the desire. Would you want to stay if an 'accident' was caused?

I feel like I could be ready to marry someone within 2 years easily, but she is not so sure. She says here feelings towards marriage have nothing to do with me, she just wants to experience so much more before committing her life to someone else.

At the end of last year I was sure from pray and asking other people that by mid way this year we would be ready for such commitment. But I've found within the last few months that both of us have some past hurts and a lot of 'baggage' to go throw. Which is hard on me sometimes, as I can't help to think of what holds her back from expressing her thoughts... she just can't demonstrate emotion well due to how she grow up. So pray hard, and give it to God's timing, He tends to now best.

I am her first boyfriend, and she even said she has a hard time thinking of just being with one guy without knowing anything else the rest of her life.

HAHA. That sounds familiar. I think my girlfriends mum said that to her (although she made it sound very funny). She has only been with on other guy of which he force himself onto her. I've only been in one other relationship and was dumped due to the reason of stress... So we are both at the same level when it comes to experience (ie. very little)

We are very much in love but I feel like there is little direction right. It seems like the thing to do is have sex and play that part out until we are both ready at the same time to settle down together.

Seems pretty dumb huh?

How do you define 'very much in love'? Is it the kind of love that you would see as unconditional? Or the more 'Cloud 9' version?

Sex is not the only factor of a relationship... and should not be the focus of getting married. If this is the case then you are in my opinion not read for a true lasting marriage. But still this is my opinion and I have no right to judge you choice. But pray hard, talk it over and think about it till you feel your brain explode... the one between your ears, not the one that takes more blood... no offence

 

[ImperialPhantom]

My girlfriend of almost 2 years told me tonight that she cannot see us getting married anytime soon, but possibly in the next few years. She said there are so many things she wants to do - like help orphans around the world (that is her dream and child development is her career path). I could be okay with that, the only problem is sex. We have not had sex but we are not far away. As most probably have experienced, sexual temptation only gets worse the longer you are with someone and I can feel it getting worse each month that goes by even though we are trying so hard to be pure.

I feel like I could be ready to marry someone within 2 years easily, but she is not so sure. She says here feelings towards marriage have nothing to do with me, she just wants to experience so much more before committing her life to someone else.

I am her first boyfriend, and she even said she has a hard time thinking of just being with one guy without knowing anything else the rest of her life.

We are very much in love but I feel like there is little direction right. It seems like the thing to do is have sex and play that part out until we are both ready at the same time to settle down together.

Seems pretty dumb huh?

There are more red flags here than Flag Day in China.

Red flags 1 and 2: My girlfriend of almost 2 years told me tonight that she cannot see us getting married anytime soon, but possibly in the next few years. She said there are so many things she wants to do - like help orphans around the world (that is her dream and child development is her career path). You two have different ideas of your future together - or not together. When her idea of the future doesn't include you, bad idea. And the marriage thing is a red flag too - women usually have MORE of a desire to get married faster. Marriage should be with someone who shares your views on the future, and with someone who is ACTUALLY INTERESTED IN MARRIAGE.

Red flag 3: She says here feelings towards marriage have nothing to do with me, she just wants to experience so much more before committing her life to someone else. This is NEVER true. She may believe it to be so on a conscious level, but not subconsciously, but if she was that into you, she would want to follow you wherever you go, and be by your side the whole way.

Red flag 4: I am her first boyfriend, and she even said she has a hard time thinking of just being with one guy without knowing anything else the rest of her life. Again, she's not that into you if she feels this way. If she was into you, she would want to be with you FOREVER.

What does all this mean? It means if you have any desire for a marriage in which you aren't the one who is putting in 100 percent effort to keep her around or else you feel she'll be unhappy or stray, then get OUT of this relationship.

 

[Seraphim19]

I appreciate both of you guys taking the time to respond to my post.

What about the fact that she is 19? Most people today are not ready to settle down at such a young age or even in the younger 20s. I mean she is being honest - she is at such a young age and its difficult to project a life with me when both her and I want to wait to finish school (at least 2 years) before settling down.

I guess the reason I posted was because she didn't seem to know if after college would be an appropriate time either - sounds almost like our relationship is on the back burner? Is that necessarily a problem at this point in time?

Also, if you know some encouraging Bible verses that would apply to a situation like this, I'm all ears. I need to be seeking the Lord with this situation more than anything.

 

[Blank123]

i don't think age factors into it much honestly. If she was interested in spending her life with you - she'd be actively looking for ways to fulfill her dream of helping children and still have you in her life. I hate to say it, but it does sound to me that she really isn't interested in any kind of serious or long term commitment.

bringing sex into the relationship can only complicate matters more than to help them, one of you (more likely you from the sounds of things) would start believing after having sex that a deeper commitment has been made and things are getting better and its going to be an even bigger heartbreak when it doesn't turn out that way.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

I appreciate both of you guys taking the time to respond to my post.

What about the fact that she is 19? Most people today are not ready to settle down at such a young age or even in the younger 20s. I mean she is being honest - she is at such a young age and its difficult to project a life with me when both her and I want to wait to finish school (at least 2 years) before settling down.

I guess the reason I posted was because she didn't seem to know if after college would be an appropriate time either - sounds almost like our relationship is on the back burner? Is that necessarily a problem at this point in time?

Also, if you know some encouraging Bible verses that would apply to a situation like this, I'm all ears. I need to be seeking the Lord with this situation more than anything.

Well, first of all, I'm going to assume you're younger than me, but if I'm wrong, correct me. There are women here who are younger than 19 and were ready to get married, but that doesn't encapsulate all women. Even so, you should NEVER spend years waiting around on a woman's decision like that. Don't waste your life waiting around for a chick when you don't even know what decision she will make two years from now.

 

[Tim114]

My own relationship is with both me an my girlfriend entering into our 20's and although we can both see that our current relationship is rocky due to external factors (eg. our parents desires for our lives) we know that God is pulling us together and stronger in him more as well as each other.

Now and then my vision becomes clouded and I can't see pass the mountain I'm climbing, as she has some heavy emotional and spiritual issues with her past and childhood (of which both our experiences are similar). Beyond all that she still has trust in God that His purpose for us is together.

In the way you have described you relationship and her thoughts I don't see that desire for commitment from her... so don't chase. It might be better to have her see the consequences of some choices. But thats you choice to

 

[Nobility]

Hi Seraphim. Your post nearly made me cry... This bit here

She said there are so many things she wants to do - like help orphans around the world

For me? I really want to do the same sort of thing, but my hubby is not interested at this point (or for QUITE a while, if ever....). I brought up my desire for africa (East in specifics) about a month before I got married, and everyone said reconsider marrying, why? because they knew it'd hurt.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love the fact I'm married, he's a great husband and believes in me. But it will never give back a dream that I'm unsure I can now fulfil. I've cried, I've sulked, and I've dreamed. I've been learning the language for the past 3 years, and would so SO love to return.,

I guess what I'm trying to show you, is that from her perspective she's trying to not give something she desires up. If she's christian, and I'm sure she is, then sometimes that calling (God's often) can be so strong it can break you. (i'll cry 3-4 times a week i miss it so much).

Just make sure for both of you that you aren't marrying for sex but rather for the passions and desires you both have; and that needs to include one for a future together.

 

[Briseis]

We have taken the very unpopular route, but it works for me. I am the one who has the problem with temptation in our relationship, not so much my bf, he has a very steady control of himself. We only hold hands, cuddle a bit, and kiss on the cheek. I am incredibly weak so we didnt really have a choice, but now it is so much easier for me. Say sex is a 5, and your limit is 4. If you falter you go straight to 5. But if your limit is 2 and you falter you only go to 3, and have more time to pull back before you get to 5. Thats a weird analogy but I think it makes sense.

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

There are more red flags here than Flag Day in China.

Red flags 1 and 2: My girlfriend of almost 2 years told me tonight that she cannot see us getting married anytime soon, but possibly in the next few years. She said there are so many things she wants to do - like help orphans around the world (that is her dream and child development is her career path). You two have different ideas of your future together - or not together. When her idea of the future doesn't include you, bad idea. And the marriage thing is a red flag too - women usually have MORE of a desire to get married faster. Marriage should be with someone who shares your views on the future, and with someone who is ACTUALLY INTERESTED IN MARRIAGE.

Red flag 3: She says here feelings towards marriage have nothing to do with me, she just wants to experience so much more before committing her life to someone else. This is NEVER true. She may believe it to be so on a conscious level, but not subconsciously, but if she was that into you, she would want to follow you wherever you go, and be by your side the whole way.

Red flag 4: I am her first boyfriend, and she even said she has a hard time thinking of just being with one guy without knowing anything else the rest of her life. Again, she's not that into you if she feels this way. If she was into you, she would want to be with you FOREVER.

What does all this mean? It means if you have any desire for a marriage in which you aren't the one who is putting in 100 percent effort to keep her around or else you feel she'll be unhappy or stray, then get OUT of this relationship.

There are a lot of red flags in what you said, and I really agree that you need to consider and pray about your relationship. She wants to do missions work. Would you ever consider doing that with her? You need to make sure that you share the same dreams, or at least similar ones that you can both fulfill without feeling bad because one of you couldn't do what you wanted.
You both have to be ready for marriage to really even consider the possibility of doing it any time soon. So you have to make the choice whether you're willing to wait for her, considering the possibility that she won't stay with you, or not stay with her. My other concern is that she says she wants to see what else is out there...that causes big problems, and tells me she is most definitely not ready for the commitment that marriage is.

We have taken the very unpopular route, but it works for me. I am the one who has the problem with temptation in our relationship, not so much my bf, he has a very steady control of himself. We only hold hands, cuddle a bit, and kiss on the cheek. I am incredibly weak so we didnt really have a choice, but now it is so much easier for me. Say sex is a 5, and your limit is 4. If you falter you go straight to 5. But if your limit is 2 and you falter you only go to 3, and have more time to pull back before you get to 5. Thats a weird analogy but I think it makes sense.

Weird analogy, but good. I'm pretty sure you understand what you mean. Basically, have stricter boundaries (holding hands, quick kiss, hugs) instead of looser boundaries (making-out, laying in bed together, etc) that could lead you to be more likely to have sex.

 

[BeautifulDestiny09]

You two are not going in the same direction. When they say unequally yoked, they mean that two do not share the same interests or life goals. You dont have to want the EXACT same thing, but usually God places to people together for a REASON, because their callings tie together. For example...I received a prophecy when I was younger that I would be a businesswoman. And of course I meet my boyfriend who is a business major and the both of us want to have our own business...our callings tie together. Pay attention to that! And whatever you do...dont introduce sex to the relationship. It only complicates things.

 

[TeslaZ]

I don't think you want my opinion as most here will put the word out on me. I think you're going to do what you're going to do.
Nothing you said I found dumb. Human nature is such that we have these thoughts. I wish you and her well!

 

[Assisi]

Honestly, I would let her tell you if she's not interested in you, don't assume she isn't. She will break it off if she doesn't want to marry you, don't break it off with her because you think she doesn't want to marry you. She's 19, and it's perfectly reasonable for a 19 year old to 'live a little' before settling down. Marriage is a big step, it's forever, and it often marks a change from going out for coffee on a Thursday night, to darning the socks on a Thursday night.

Be very clear about when you think it would be appropriate to marry, ask her to be equally clear...then see how it goes. She needs to know that you are not trying to pressure her into marriage earlier than she would like (reassure her of this), and you need to know that she isn't going to keep you holding on for five years! Allow her to reassure you of this.

About the sex. Personally (we had to wait four years before we could marry) we found it easier as time went on. Your boundaries should be your routine by now, if they are not enough to prevent you from struggling they may not be far enough away from sex. Take a step back physically.

 

[allthatisgone]

hm oh i do wonder what i had said. i was subscribed to this thread but i dont recall making a reply. perhaps it was deleted b/c some mighty person here couldnt stand (or understand) my wisdom.