'Emergent Pentecostal' is in my title, but...
if you listen to U2,
nope, not a U2 fan, though I don't hate them
Moby,
ditto, not a Moby fan either
and Johnny Cash’s Hurt (sometimes in church),
I like the Cash version of it, but I don't see how it would fit into church
use sermon illustrations from The Sopranos, drink lattes in the afternoon and Guinness in the evenings, and always use a Mac;
I might sometimes be guilty of most of that, but I don't own a Mac
if your reading list consists primarily of Stanley Hauerwas, Henri Nouwen,
I don't know those authors
N. T. Wright,
I like him very much
Stan Grenz, Dallas Willard, Brennan Manning,
I don't know them
Jim Wallis,
Good approach, but since I'm libertarian-right, his left-liberal politics doesn't work for me.
Frederick Buechner, David Bosch, John Howard Yoder, Wendell Berry, Nancy Murphy, John Frank, Walter Winks, and Lesslie Newbigin (not to mention McLaren, Pagitt, Bell, etc.)
Of all those, I only know McLaren and Bell, and I like them very much.
and your sparring partners include D. A. Carson, John Calvin, Martyn Lloyd-Jones, and Wayne Grudem;
Of those I only know Calvin, and I agree with him to an extent.
if your idea of quintessential Christian discipleship is Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, or Desmond Tutu;
Mother T. and MLK, yes. Not so much Mandela or Tutu.
if you don’t like George W. Bush or institutions or big business or capitalism or Left Behind Christianity;
I have no quarrel with Bush, as last as compared to the alternatives we were offered. I love capitalism, and by capitalism, I mean real laissez-faire capitalism, not big-government corporatism. I like small business a lot better than big business. I enjoyed reading the Left Behind series, but I'm unconvinced by their eschatology.
if your political concerns are poverty, AIDS, imperialism, war-mongering, CEO salaries, consumerism, global warming, racism, and oppression
nope, not my major issues -- or at least not the terms in which I would frame them.
and not so much abortion and gay marriage;
also not my major issues.
if you are into bohemian, goth,
goth to an extent
rave, or indie;
not expecially
if you talk about the myth of redemptive violence and the myth of certainty;
not at all
if you lie awake at night having nightmares about all the ways modernism has ruined your life;
never
if you love the Bible as a beautiful, inspiring collection of works that lead us into the mystery of God but is not inerrant;
Mystery yes, inerrant no, but although I wouldn't say inerrant, I would say divinely inspired, reliable and authoritative.
if you search for truth but aren’t sure it can be found;
no
if you’ve ever been to a church with prayer labyrinths, candles, Play-Doh, chalk-drawings, couches, or beanbags (your youth group doesn’t count);
no, but it sounds cool
if you loathe words like linear, propositional, rational, machine, and hierarchy
maybe, yes, no, yes, depending
and use words like ancient-future, jazz, mosaic, matrix, missional, vintage, and dance;
sure, in an appropriate context
if you grew up in a very conservative Christian home that in retrospect seems legalistic, naïve, and rigid;
I didn't grow up in one, but those kinds of homes do seem that way to me.
if you support women in all levels of ministry,
yes
prioritize urban over suburban,
well, I live in a city
and like your theology narrative instead of systematic;
both are useful in different ways
if you disbelieve in any sacred-secular divide;
maybe, depending on what you mean
if you want to be the church and not just go to church;
yes
if you long for a community that is relational, tribal, and primal like a river or a garden;
yes
if you believe who goes to hell is no one’s business and no one may be there anyway;
all that is for God to decide
if you believe salvation has a little to do with atoning for guilt and a lot to do with bringing the whole creation back into shalom with its Maker;
I can't improve on how Paxi put it: "sorta... you do the former by doing the latter"
if you believe following Jesus is not believing the right things but living the right way;
both are important
if it really bugs you when people talk about going to heaven instead of heaven coming to us;
both are true
if you disdain monological, didactic preaching;
'disdain' might be too strong a word. I'd rather just say it's not my favorite style.
if you use the word “story” in all your propositions about postmodernism—
no, but it's a good word
if all or most of this torturously long sentence describes you, then you might be an emergent Christian.
So I'm a politically libertarian-right, theologically moderate to conservative, more emergent than not, charismissional Christ-follower! But I already knew that. 
And I guess I have a lot of reading to catch up on. 
