Yelling at toddler...

[AKY]

Hello,
I am 26, married for 5 years, and have a 2 year old little boy, and a 3 month old boy. I'm depressed, miserable, and bitter..all of those negative words, I AM. No, I'm not like this all of the time, but yes most of the time I am. No, I don't want medication..I'm just very stressed out, (husband, children,..regrets, yadah yadah). and definitely needing some alone time. I'm very ashamed of myself as a mother, and often want to die, because I feel like I have failed, and feel I'm the only one that has really screamed at their child. Shame on me, I hope God takes me home. Don't get me wrong, please don't condemn me, I am mostly a very sweet, loving, and nurturing mother, but when I just have those days of fighting with my husband, or just a bad day, I tend to take it out on my 2 year old. Why do I do this?????!! I hate myself for this..and find myself apologizing over and over again to my sweet little forgiving boy. It's funny how little children will forgive in a heartbeat, but as adults we hold grudges. How do I stop?? My toddler will be just a toddler, doing toddler things, not listening, and when I'm in my mood, I just yellllll. How is that teaching my toddler anything?? I mean, damn why do I do this, and please help me to be that michelle duggar who just has it all down pat. I have even spanked out of anger, which I know that is a big no no...I can't seem to calm down and take a deep breath, especially when my toddler has his meltdowns. I hope no one takes this the wrong way, as I am in love with my toddler and only want the best for him. I just feel like such a failure.

 

[akmom]

I think we all get to a point of frustration where our impulse is to yell. With young kids, a routine works very well. Choose a time to get up in the morning, and do it every day (even weekends). Then follow a plan for the rest of your day, and stick to it. Some people assume that a rigid routine will be restrictive, but this is not true. You will find that your kids comply easily when they know what to expect, and you have a lot more time to do what you want when you are not spending the whole day negotiating with everyone about what happens next. I'll give you a sample routine just as a guide:

7:00 a.m. GET UP. GET READY. MAKE BREAKFAST. SET OUT THE KIDS CLOTHES.
7:30 a.m. WAKE THE KIDS. CHANGE DIAPER(S) AND OUTFITS. SERVE BREAKFAST. FEED BABY WHILE TODDLER EATS.
8:00 a.m. PLAYTIME. SET OUT A MAT FOR THE BABY TO PLAY ON. GET OUT ONE SET OF TOYS FOR THE TODDLER (such as cars, legos, musical toys, or crayons and paper, but not a bunch of different toy sets... I find kids play much better with a single theme)
8:30 a.m. PUT TOYS AWAY. START OUT BY DOING IT WITH HIM, AND ENCOURAGING HIM TO PICK UP TOO. (If you make him do it alone, or yell at him, he'll hate doing it and resist. If you make it start out pleasant, he will accept it.)
9:00 a.m. GET OUT A NEW SET OF TOYS OR TRY A SIMPLE GAME, BUT ONLY AFTER THE FIRST TOYS ARE PICKED UP.
9:30 a.m. PUT BABY DOWN FOR A NAP. BEGIN A CHORE THAT TODDLER CAN HELP WITH. (If you are doing laundry, ask him to find all the socks on the floor and put them in the basket. If you're loading the washer, let him throw clothes in. If you're folding, have him go through and find all the socks and put them into a separate bin. If you're doing dishes, let him separate the clean forks and spoons. You can also let him wipe the table or his high chair, or pick up things he dropped on the floor. Make it simple, to help him stay occupied while you are busy, and to introduce work ethic. Don't expect him to do any of these jobs well, or stay focused long.)
10:00 a.m. PUT TODDLER DOWN FOR A NAP. ENFORCE NAPTIME UNTIL ABOUT NOON. (This is your time to catch up or relax. It's enough time to watch TV, check your e-mail, read news or take a nap yourself.)
12:00 p.m. GET THE KIDS UP. HAVE LUNCH.
12:30 p.m. READ A STORY TO THE KIDS, EVEN THE BABY. (Touchable books with textures, or pop-up books are good for toddlers. Cardboard pages or plastic bath books are good for babies who want to chew the book.)
1:00 p.m. LOW-MAINTENANCE ACTIVITIES, LIKE WATCHING TV OR GOING TO THE PLAYGROUND (toddler), ROCKING IN A SWING/VIBRATING BABY CHAIR OR RIDING IN A BABY SLING/CARRIER WITH YOU (baby)
2:00 p.m. GET OUT DIFFERENT TOYS AND A MAT FOR THE BABY. SIT WITH THEM WHEN THEY PLAY.
2:30 p.m. GIVE TODDLER A SNACK OR A DRINK IN A SIPPY CUP. FEED BABY.
3:00 p.m. PUT BOTH OF THEM TO BED FOR THEIR SECOND NAP. START PREPARING DINNER AND FINISH ANY HOUSEWORK.
5:00 p.m. EAT DINNER. HAVE DAD PLAY WITH THE KIDS OR LET THEM DIRECT THEIR OWN PLAY (get their own toys, crawl or roll around at will). Babies often start their evening fussiness at this point. Take turns distracting baby until bedtime.
6:00 p.m. BATH TIME
7:00 p.m. FEED BABY. BRUSH TODDLER'S TEETH. PUT THEM TO BED.

Planning your week's meals ahead of time, and getting all the groceries you will need goes along way toward making a routine work. I wish you the best!

 

[Inkachu]

Easy there, AKY! Step back, take a breath (I know you probably don't think you have TIME to take a breath lol), count to ten.

It's absolutely normal for new moms to feel all these things. Especially when society generally expects us to "do it all". Care for the kids, clean, cook, carpool, keep the family calendar, grocery shop, somehow try to be a wife, manage to stay on your feet all day without collapsing...

You've got two very little munchkins. A 2 year old is enough of a handful, but you've got a newborn on top of it! It's no wonder you're stressed out and stretched to your limit, hon. Allow yourself that. You're shouldering a huge load right now. Allow yourself to BE tired, stressed out, and emotionally exhausted. It's easy to lose your sense of self during these years, but I PROMISE... you're still in there! You may not get to indulge in a lot of "me time" for a while, but you will survive...

Now, you need a find a babysitter. You need to give yourself an afternoon off once or twice a week. Give yourself a few solid child-free hours each week. Your kids won't crumble, I promise. Schedule yourself a massage, a haircut, a facial, go see a movie, visit a friend, or just take a long, quiet drive in the country.

Moms often feel they have to take care of the whole freakin world sometimes. It's REALLY hard for us to just leave things alone and step away and take our hands off. We think "if I don't do it, nobody will". SO WHAT? Let it be undone for a while! Isn't your sanity worth leaving it for a while? Leave the dishes in the sink, leave the clothes on the floor, and make time for yourself.

Babysitter. Get one.

 

[HannahT]

I agree with Celtic Heart.

I remember making sure I could go grocery shopping ALL by MYSELF! Yep, he came home from work - got a breather - and I plopped them in his lap and left! Shopping was break time for me - even though I wasn't crazy about shopping either! lol at least it involved no little person asking for things, crying, talking, demanding, etc. It allowed me brain space that I needed. My attitude was much better once I returned.

Other times forming play groups helps. The children get to play, and you get to chat with someone that can form 'adult' sentences! The baby is talked to as well, and at times is loving up on someone else.

You may wish to look for churches that have bible studies during the day, because they do offer childcare during those times.

I have to tell you also just breaking up the 'normal' schedule at times is refreshing. Do something crazy like a field trip that is a short distance. Pack the car the night before - less stress - and go for it! Bring a FRIEND or relative with! Check on the internet, because there always seems to be something local going on!

Libraries have programs for small children as well. Having the little ones engage as they are able to even for a little while - gives you a short breather.

I do remember - when I had energy - I would pack my car the day ahead. I had the diaper bag done, bottles ready, extra clothes, gear - all done after they went to bed. Going ANYWHERE with children that age is exhausting due to all the junk that needs to come along with me! Remember to 'unpack' after they go to bed as well. It was less tiring for me when less demands were on me during this time. I hated packing/unpacking things up with children in tow - didn't do much for my mood or stress level!

Also remember - a dirty house can wait. Sit down and play with them. The floor can be mopped another day. Throw in a load of laundry a day, and on the days you have more energy? two!

I had Dad empty the dishwasher. I hated to empty, and would much rather load. It takes two minutes, and is hardly to much to ask!

I remember looking on the internet to things to do (crafts, etc) - ideas. To be honest? Making a mess, and not necessarily 'getting the project done' was the funnier part to me. We got it done most of the time, but I ain't no Martha Stewart!

Once the children get older? I would get earlier than anyone. I would grab my coffee, and just stare out the window. I was charging my batteries for the day ahead. Depending on whether your child sleeps through the night - I can't tell you how much that made my day better. I'm NOT a morning person either!

Parenting is hard, and you need to relax with yourself. We all blow it, and will blow it forever. We're human! It will get better I promise!

 

[Kol]

Hello,

I am 26, married for 5 years, and have a 2 year old little boy, and a 3 month old boy. I'm depressed, miserable, and bitter..all of those negative words, I AM. No, I'm not like this all of the time, but yes most of the time I am. No, I don't want medication..I'm just very stressed out, (husband, children,..regrets, yadah yadah). and definitely needing some alone time.

You just diagnosed your own problem. Children are a HUGE investment, not just in time, but in mental effort & energy. Nobody expects you to have them all hours of the day with no break. Even Jesus needed a break from time to time.

I'm very ashamed of myself as a mother, and often want to die, because I feel like I have failed, and feel I'm the only one that has really screamed at their child. Shame on me, I hope God takes me home. Don't get me wrong, please don't condemn me, I am mostly a very sweet, loving, and nurturing mother, but when I just have those days of fighting with my husband, or just a bad day, I tend to take it out on my 2 year old. Why do I do this?????!! I hate myself for this..and find myself apologizing over and over again to my sweet little forgiving boy.

It's because you have stress, and no point of release for it. Suggestions: meditation, deep prayer, 20 minutes to take a hot bath or sip some tea, or hide out in the woods by yourself. Seriously, until you find a release for all that stress & emotional energy, your little one will be the release.

It's funny how little children will forgive in a heartbeat, but as adults we hold grudges. How do I stop?? My toddler will be just a toddler, doing toddler things, not listening, and when I'm in my mood, I just yellllll. How is that teaching my toddler anything?? I mean, damn why do I do this, and please help me to be that michelle duggar who just has it all down pat. I have even spanked out of anger, which I know that is a big no no...I can't seem to calm down and take a deep breath, especially when my toddler has his meltdowns. I hope no one takes this the wrong way, as I am in love with my toddler and only want the best for him. I just feel like such a failure.

Well, the good news is, love covers a multitude of sins. Spankings as well. And don't think you're alone. My 3-year-old and I have some pretty bad screaming matches. Little whelp won't mind, and then whines and belly-aches about whatever.

Good luck.

 

[Shimshon]

I'm thinking you need to talk to your doctor about post partum depression. After our second girl my wife experienced much more than the others. Her third birth changed her physiology to this day. She became lactose intolerant, allergic to gluten, and very depressed. The depression left, but the allergies remain. All this after our third baby.

You should also try to eat healthier, that always helps.

Last note, please be careful what you put online in regards to your anger with your children. I would hate to have you investigated by CPS because of things you devulged online. They only need an acusation to put you on their radar. Posting online how your anger with your toddler gets out of hand is not something you should openly devulge. Just saying, for your protection.

 

[akmom]

It's an anonymous forum, and there's nothing in that post indicating abuse. Please don't stress people out with unfounded concerns about child protective services. They are not out to get people, they don't scour the Internet for stressed parents, and they aren't waiting to pounce on everyone who has struggles. In fact their resources are spread pretty thin. No one is going to take her kids away for that sincere and honest post, even if they knew who she was.

 

[Mege800]

AKY, when I read your post I had to smile a little. No Mom ever wants to feel as you do, but I think that most have or do! The reason I smiled is because just by posting your concerns, it's evidence that you care deeply about your children. So many moms out there feel they have a right to take things out on their kids and to yell and scream and even berate them. I think that even on your bad days, you kids are lucky to have a Mom who loves them enough to realize her errors and attempt to grow into a "better" mother. All I can say to you is you are not alone, and I truly believe that if you stay on your knees, asking God for patience and wisdom, love your kids above yourself, and do your best to treat your kids with respect and fairness, that you will raise children who love God, love you, and will (one day) look back on their childhood with affection and understanding. I know my mom had her "bad days" when we were young. There was probably unjustified yelling and over-reactions on her part, but now as a mom of a 3 year old and a 4 year old (SO BUSY_ what was I thinking!!! ) I pray that I can be a good of a parent as she was to me. This is because when I look back on my childhood I never doubt that I was LOVED, and not just loved but cherished. I don't know you, but after reading your post, I would hazard a guess that you love and cherish your children too. So honestly, be inspired to grow and change, but cut yourself some slack too, and let go of your guilt. Change because you want to make God and yourself happy, not because of guilt. God bless you, your husband, and your 2 littles!

 

[MessianicMommy]

You may find these helpful:

Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool

Biblical Parenting

Grace-Based Living


Honestly, if you are feeling out of control, it really would be advisable to go get a work up and see if you need to be seen again for PPD evaluation or if your hormones have gone wonky and you need a tune up.

I lived with PPD and didn't get help. I regret it.

The books above have been helpful and I'm working on the loud voices in our home.

I saw your other post, and that you've not been back since April and I hope that you're doing OK since your post in Marriage Restoration.

 

[PrincessSnowflake]

Hello,
I am 26, married for 5 years, and have a 2 year old little boy, and a 3 month old boy. I'm depressed, miserable, and bitter..all of those negative words, I AM. No, I'm not like this all of the time, but yes most of the time I am. No, I don't want medication..I'm just very stressed out, (husband, children,..regrets, yadah yadah). and definitely needing some alone time. I'm very ashamed of myself as a mother, and often want to die, because I feel like I have failed, and feel I'm the only one that has really screamed at their child. Shame on me, I hope God takes me home. Don't get me wrong, please don't condemn me, I am mostly a very sweet, loving, and nurturing mother, but when I just have those days of fighting with my husband, or just a bad day, I tend to take it out on my 2 year old. Why do I do this?????!! I hate myself for this..and find myself apologizing over and over again to my sweet little forgiving boy. It's funny how little children will forgive in a heartbeat, but as adults we hold grudges. How do I stop?? My toddler will be just a toddler, doing toddler things, not listening, and when I'm in my mood, I just yellllll. How is that teaching my toddler anything?? I mean, damn why do I do this, and please help me to be that michelle duggar who just has it all down pat. I have even spanked out of anger, which I know that is a big no no...I can't seem to calm down and take a deep breath, especially when my toddler has his meltdowns. I hope no one takes this the wrong way, as I am in love with my toddler and only want the best for him. I just feel like such a failure.

Don't condemn yourself. Michelle Duggar has lost her temper with her children. She said it herself Yes even Michelle. We all have acted in one way or another with our children that made us feel like the worst parents ever. Our kids need us and look to us for Everything and that is stress right there. What a responsibility! It makes us feel we must be perfect. Will never happen.You are not alone. I'm so sorry.

 

[Max Shade]

Some places have "mothers morning out" or similar programs which aren't really daycare in the traditional sense but do provide a window of time in the day where you can drop the kids off and go run errands by yourself or get a cup of coffee, meet with a friend. . . that kind of thing. If your situation wouldn't allow that, your hubby may need to man up and watch the kids for some hours to get you that bit of time. It is vital to good mental health and will help you.

 

[Follower3]

Not sure if you are asking for parenting advice, or just life advice, or prayer?
it depends on the situation, and what your kid is doing I suppose, if they are being obnoxious on a daily basis you need to give them something to direct their attention on / use their energy on, give them an activity, basic parenting strategies

 

[ex-pat]

Hugs and prayers to you!

ONE: Check with your doctor to rule out PPD! Having PPD makes you no worse a person than having chicken pox. It's just something that needs fixing, is all.

Schedules, mommy time, creative baby/ toddler time, and many other tricks can help you out. For example: Trade baby sitting afternoon with another mom friend, or just meet up with friends for a morning walk in the park with your little ones. Join a mommy and me musical class for infants and toddlers, or a mommy and me gym class for infants and toddlers. Have your "big kid" help you out with you "little kid"..."Time for baby's bath...can you help mommy by handing me the towel, the washcloth, etc." Are you in an area of the USA where you can grocery shop online (like using Peapod) and have your things delivered? Or can you use Amazon Mom for regular needed things like diapers? All these little things can help out a lot, and make you feel more in control. If you feel in control, then you'll be less likely to have a meltdown at the same time your toddler does! Can Dad help with some household chores? Can he alternate bath time with you, so you can use that time to rest and re-group? Can you plan meals around toddler time while the baby sleeps? (like having your toddler "help" you make muffins for tomorrow's breakfast)?

It might help lessen the problems, and the screaming matches, if you try to parent by telling your child what TO do, rather than what not to do. Meaning, instead of yelling "STOP THAT NOISE, THE BABY S SLEEPING!!!" then hearing the baby yowl because he's just been woken up by YOUR scream, try saying "Use your inside voice" or "we need to whisper very softly while baby is asleep...can you whisper just like mommy? Let's play a whisper game!" Most times, the big deal for toddlers is attention. PRAISE that little one for being good!!! "You were so good, to play with your puzzles while mommy made lunch!" Once he realizes more positive results come from being good, he'll be good.

Can you afford a cleaning team once a week, or every other week? Knowing that the big things will be off your shoulders lessens guilt. If not, I suggest Flylady.net to help you put in routines...it's a great help!

You're not a bad mom to feel overwhelmed! Can you wake up 15 minutes earlier than everyone else, make coffee or tea (or set it up on a timer the night before to be ready and waiting for you!) and read some from a daily devotional for moms? You'd be amazed how much curling up in peace with your tea and prayers does for you!

Remember to use free events to share with your little ones (story hour, for example) without breaking the budget.

If I can help you in any way, even just through prayer, please feel free to PM me!

 

[ProudMomxmany]

Oh Mom....BREATHE!!! Toddlers have a PhD in chaos, noise and disaster!
You're not the only one who's "lost it" with a toddler! We all do! I lost it with the first toddler, and lost it with the 12th toddler.
You say you have regrets. What do you regret? Maybe find a more experienced mom in your church and see if she will mentor you.

Children will drive you crazy. As they get older, it's just a different drive to the same end. Toddlers are insane inducing, tweens, teens and even adult children can drive you right 'round the bend. Once I gave up on the dream of the clean house, gourmet meals and no laundry piling up...I felt much better!

 

[ksnyder0925]

There is nothing wrong with getting a baby sitter... and you know what? I have yelled at my 3 yr old. Many times. NOT that I like to... but everyone has a breaking point. What helps me is realizing those feelings are from Satan and not from God. I picture my child as me... and me like Jesus.... think about how much he wants to yell at us!!!! Don't be so hard on yourself.