Would you ever hit your wife?

[churchlady]

a. we need to be careful how we counsel this woman.
b. we probably need to let the women handle this issue for hopelovefaith.
c. perhaps we don't understand how hard it is for her to do ANYTHING, although she may want to do EVERYTHING to stop this situation.

It's very hard for abused people to see how abused they are
It's also very scary to report abuse.

we need to think long and hard about what we suggest,

QC, thank you for posting this. Even as I was typing out my last post to her, I was thinking to myself that she may not be emotionally ready or able to do anything at all. This is a very frequent place inwhich abused people find themselves.

My experience, both personally in an emotionally abusive marriage of many years, and in counseling other women, is that God always heals from the inside out. (Although if the spouse or children are in danger, then it's best to try to leave to safety), because otherwise they just go marry someone else like the former spouse and the process starts all over again.

But I can't tell you how on the mark your post is....abused people just simply CAN'T do some of the things that are needed to change the circumstances. People who have never been abused often don't know or understand this and lose patience with the person for not taking, what to them, are healthy steps of action. I know that for some time, I myself COULDN'T do what I needed to do either. There is a cloud of confusion, darkness, and fear that grips you into almost total inaction, at times. God was very patient in leading me to inner healing so that finally, I could.

One of the things that this dear saint might need to do right now, is to pray for God to build around her a strong support system of friends, relatives, counselor etc. so that eventually she does know what to do, and can do it.

God bless you QC for your very wise words!

 

[charityagape]

He doesn't refuse, but he still doesn't hardly do anything. He does a load of dishes one week and he thinks he's done his duty and he's the savior of the world, "can't say I don't do anything". I ask him nicely, try to encourage, ect. I just get fed up because I feel like his mother. You would like to hear his side of the story, because I'm the villian in it that treats him like I'm his mother. We've talked kindly about it several times, it doesn't work, he maybe helps me clean up for a day, then slowly goes back to his old ways of staying on the computer writing messages, emails, looking at news articles and such. He acts like his life is one big vacation or something and I'm his nagging mother trying to get him to help out. I can see his frustration in it, but what about mine? I can't handle it anymore.

Stop paying for the internet, or cable tv, or snacks and soda, or movies, or anything he enjoys.

Then when he sits around, at least he'll have time to think.

Edit: Also, don't do his laundry and don't do the dishes. Buy groceries that don't require a lot of dish dirting and use as much paper plates as possible. Sandwiches, frozen pizza, corn dogs, etc.


CONCEQUENCES! That's what someone pays attention too. You don't have to nag, in fact don't, just stop enabling him to have the lifestyle he's become accustomed too.

He'll either leave or decide to make changes.

All just my 2 cents, but I've seen it work.

 

[charityagape]

There are a bunch of thoughts running through my head at this time after I've read the original post, as well as the responses.

a. My first thought is that we need to be careful how we counsel this woman. I see different answers coming from different angles, and we need to be careful that we don't confuse her with too many suggestions or too much information.

b. My second thought is that we probably need to let the women handle this issue for hopelovefaith. I would suggest some of the women to PM her, so as to keep this out of public discussion. There is the possibility that her husband, or someone she knows, might read these forums, and if this information of this post got back to her husband, it could be very disastrous.

c. My third thought is that it's very easy for us to suggest some quick action, but perhaps we don't understand how hard it is for her to do ANYTHING, although she may want to do EVERYTHING to stop this situation.

It's very hard for abused people to see how abused they are in the middle of the situation, especially how long this has been going on. If she's just now getting to the point where she's talking about it, there is sure to be a lot of other things which have gone on before that led up to this point.

It's also very scary to report abuse. When the police or Child Services come to the door investigating, the abuser is expert at making things seem calm just long enough to send the investigators away, then when the door shuts and the car pulls out of the driveway, WHAM, it starts all over again.

And let's say she DOES succeed at getting the kids into some custody, or getting him arrested. At some point, he'll be released on bail, or else he'll be on probation for 90 days, or he'll finish some jail time, or finish anger management counseling, then he'll be around her and the children at some point, at which time he'll proceed to take out his anger for being jailed or for being investigated.

The victims are afraid of losing their children, afraid of losing their house, afraid of losing their safety, afraid of losing lots of things. Everyone knows that many restraining orders are nothing but jokes that have less value than the paper the judge issued them on. Those orders don't scare the abuser in the least.

I am not saying that we should refrain from counseling, but we need to think long and hard about what we suggest, because there are some solutions which may present temporary relief in the interim but could produce long-term implications which may be worse than the problems they sought to fix in the first place.

This is all true. And any advice may not be all that helpful, but our prayers will be.

 

[Questioning Christian]

Again, I would reiterate that I'm not saying "don't give her advice" but, to re-quote the last part of my former post ...

I am not saying that we should refrain from counseling, but we need to think long and hard about what we suggest, because there are some solutions which may present temporary relief in the interim but could produce long-term implications which may be worse than the problems they sought to fix in the first place.

 

[RevJdK]

ADHD?? What a crock!! He`s a lazy bum...period....You should have called the authorities and had him arrested...

 

[Svt4Him]

So let me get this straight. You work full time and he does not work. he sits around all day and does.... (?) He refuses to clean yet doesn't work?

This is very confusing if not strange to me. I can understand circumstances where the spouse who can make more money will work and the other stays home, but....he refuses to clean the house when he is not working at all?

I would actually love to hear his side of the story. I am curious what else is going on.

As would I. I would also add that Biblically (and please correct me if I"m wrong, but base it on what the Bible has to say) it takes two witnesses before one is found guilty, yet we are willing to condemn and judge before we even hear the other side. I think we have to guard our hearts as well. And no, I'm not saying anyone has not told the truth, but we all see things though our own bias. It doesn't make our stories right or wrong, just bias.

The first one to plead his cause seems right,​

Until his neighbor comes and examines him.​

​

One witness shall not rise against a man concerning any iniquity or any sin that he commits; by the mouth of two or three witnesses the matter shall be established​

 

[charityagape]

Regardless of the bias, physical violence is not okay.

 

[Svt4Him]

Regardless of the bias, physical violence is not okay.

That is true. I am not addressing the rights or wrongs of violence, I am addressing judging the motives or state of this guy. I can say a husband should love his wife, I can not say this guy is sinning and not following Christ, as I have not heard from him.

 

[whitedove7]

A man or woman that hits or abuses another wife or husband is because they do not love themselves. Matthew 22;36-39

36Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

37Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

38This is the first and great commandment.

39And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

If you cannot love who you are, then that person has self hatred. A person with self hatred cannot love others and will abuse others. Many times they have unforgiveness towards others and/or themselves for the things in the past. They might have believed the lie that they are no good by others have said instead of believing in what the Word of God says about them.

 

[TreeOfLife]

As would I. I would also add that Biblically (and please correct me if I"m wrong, but base it on what the Bible has to say) it takes two witnesses before one is found guilty, yet we are willing to condemn and judge before we even hear the other side. I think we have to guard our hearts as well. And no, I'm not saying anyone has not told the truth, but we all see things though our own bias. It doesn't make our stories right or wrong, just bias.

The first one to plead his cause seems right,

Until his neighbor comes and examines him.​

One witness shall not rise against a man concerning any iniquity or any sin that he commits; by the mouth of two or three witnesses the matter shall be established​

Excellent advice.

 

[jrlinz]

I would hit her if she somehow went completely berzerk and like, pulled a gun or knife on someone, and seemed intent on using it.
When I was an Ironworker, if someone were beating like a bull pin to fit a bolt in a flange, and they were not hitting it hard enough by the standards of those observing, it was popular to say:
"Don't tap on it, HIT it like you hit your wife!"
I seriously doubt if many of those who said that actually hit their wives, though.

 

[NewSong]

Praying for your marriage and for your family. I am sorry there is so much going on in your home during the holiday's. I will pray!

 

[jrlinz]

Seriously, good Christian counselling and prayer is the best hope. Tempers flair, things happen. It is very wrong for him to hit you. I have been in that situation a number of times (previous marriage). Although I have never hit her back, I have responded physically a few times (pushing her or restraining physically after being hit, kicked, scratched). I have always felt she was treading on very dangerous ground by attacking me physically, though. I have exactly as much right to expect not to get physically attacked as she. And, if I ever did hit her in anger, I happen to know from experience (with men) that the result would be devastating. I have fought the urge, though.

Christian counselling will help, even if only one of you actually go. But, it HAS to stop. God bless you! You have my prayer.

 

[Father Rick]

As a pastor, I'm going to say this as strongly as I possibly can...

The ONLY reason for a husband to ever hit his wife is if he is in immediate danger from her and having to defend himself-- for instance, if she is trying to hit him with a frying pan or a baseball bat--and that is the only thing he can do to stop himself from being really hurt. (A slap on the face, while wrong, does NOT produce immediate danger!) The same goes for a husband grabbing his wife and trying to throw her out of the house--there is never a reason to do so, except in cases where he is in immediate danger.

If what you have told us here is accurate, then this is a very scary situation. Violence, especially domestic violence, almost ALWAYS escalates. Once certain boundaries, such as hitting, are crossed, they are that much easier to cross again. If your husband has begun to exhibit this behavior, for the sake of both yourself and your children, you need to protect yourself. You definitely need to get help from someone in your area-- you can call the Domestic Violence hotline that HisGirl post earlier and they will refer you to great resources, many of which are free. What you have described here is a man who has already been verbally/emotionally abusive and has now escalated to physical violence as well.

You may not be aware, but if there is domestic violence in the home-- and this definitely is domestic violence, your local Dept of Children and Families can step in and remove your children from your home and place them in state custody in order to protect the children. As the manager of a children's home, I see this every day. It's not just your safety/well-being but also that of your children that must be considered here.

The vast majority of women who are the victims of domestic violence 1) blame themselves (as you are doing) and 2) think "he'll never do it again". Both of these are wrong! It's not your fault that he hit you. He made a choice to hit you. He made a choice to grab you and to try to throw you out of the house. Yes, I know you slapped him, which was wrong, but that still does not give him license to do what he did. And if he did this once, it's just a matter of time before he does so again.

The majority of time, if a man begins to hit his wife, he will move on to begin hitting the children as well. And even if he never lays a hand on them, they witness his abuse of you which creates psychological damage even deeper than any bruises from actually being hit.

I'm sure you love your husband-- but it is imperative that you protect yourself and your children. Choose your children over him. If you act now, it's possible the marriage can be salvaged if you both are willing to go to counseling, etc. However, if you don't act things will almost certainly get worse.


GET HELP NOW!!!

If you need referrals for your aread, you can pm me and I will be happy to help you find resources for your area.

 

[akasmom]

hopelovefaith
I have been staying away form this thread since I first saw it, but now I'm going to post this one thing:
I've been in really hard places in my marriage (though not physical violence against me or my kids). I have many times considered leaving. And God has always told me to stay, because there is always hope. And indeed, my marriage is getting better.
But like I said, I've never had my husband hit me or rough me up. That changes a whole lot of things. I can't urge you strongly enough to re-read Father Ricks post up there. What is at stake is not just you, it's your kids and not just your physical but emotional and even spiritual well-being. You need to be safe while you and your husband work out your future together.
Now I'm going to ask a bunch of questions, and I don't need to know the answer, you do. And if you can answer these, maybe you'll know better what to do next.
1) You said you don't have a pastor - why? Why don't you have a pastor or church to go to for help? Why did you come here? Much as people here are willing to pray and offer advice, it can't replace the presence of a real, godly support group that a good church should be able to offer you and your family.
2) Has anything changed? I don't mean like was your husband on good behavior for a couple days, but has anything in your situation changed, for better or worse?
3) If you left, what would happen? If you packed up the kids, went to a shelter, and told him he doesn't get you or them back until he undergoes counseling and you go through counseling together, what would happen?
4) How long can you do this for? Because I think you are sitting there asking God to change things, but you already know what you want to do, you just came here hoping someone would confirm what you already want to do.

So, what is it you want to have happen and how do you want it to go down? Do you want to take the initiative and go do the hard thing or wait until it gets bad enough to force your hand?

 

[TreeOfLife]

Go all the way back to the intitial description of what "supposedely" went on. You will notice that "grabbing" is defined as 'violent", but "slapping" is not. Please understand that I rebuke both, but I'm not an idiot either. You all are condemning somebody who has not even had a chance to defend himself. You are neither biblical, nor even social. Just how gullible are you? Not that you were gullible in this instance, but your behaviour indicates that you are generally GULLIBLE!!!!!!!!!

Stop it!

 

[Father Rick]

uhhh... ToL, you may want to re-read it yourself...

We got into an arguement, he violently grabbed me trying to throw me out into the freezing rain, so I slapped him, and he hit me across the face, then grabbed me again, I slapped him again, he hit me across the face and then slammed my head against the wall as he was trying to shove me out the door. After that, he said the marriage was over since he couldn't live in the same house with wife that disrespected him like that. We have a three and a four year old

No one has excused the slapping... but 1) he was the agressor, 2) he hit her repeatedly and "slammed her head against the wall", 3) he blamed her for his hitting her, 4) her other posts reveal a pattern of verbal/emotional abuse directed at her...

These are all classic examples of an abusive relationship.

 

[catlover]

Under what circumstances would you hit your wife or feel justified to do so?

I suggest you contact your local domestic violence program.

If you want help finding a program in your area, please P.M me.

 

[catlover]

I find it odd that someone would side with an abuser. Makes one wonder about how they act in their own marriages or in their former marriages.

 

[Cyberdyne1]

AIf you cannot love who you are, then that person has self hatred. A person with self hatred cannot love others and will abuse others. Many times they have unforgiveness towards others and/or themselves for the things in the past. They might have believed the lie that they are no good by others have said instead of believing in what the Word of God says about them.

Maybe but not all the time. I love my wife more than life itself...

However, I despise myself greatly...

And it is true what a few posters have said. We have not heard both sides of the story. BUT if what she is saying is true, I'd kick him out. I will bet he is jealous of your success. You have a degree, a job and support the family without his help financially. He is nothing more than a babysitter. That likely doesn't make him feel too manly. Not your fault though...