Would you ever hit your wife?

[hippie]

I believe in "equal rights" which means that if you slap him he has the right to slap you back back....not hit you but slap you....I'm not saying he needs to ecercise that right but if you slapped him first then I believe he has the right to retaliate

That being said if you were my daughter.......my brothers and I would be paying this fellow a visit and we would practice the fine art of "laying on of hands"....only our hands would be closed into fists!! He would learn very quickly that hitting people in such a manner is painful!!!

 

[JimfromOhio]

He sees me as the one with problems. The first year of my marriage, we had two children fourteen months apart, I worked while I was pregnant, and I only asked of him that he pick stuff up off the floor for me since I couldn't bend down very easily, it seems inoccent, but it hurt that he didn't do it very often if at all. Then we moved, and I took on a half night shift, we bought a house that needed a lot of renovations that we couldn't afford, so I couldn't get out of the shift, I asked him in desperation if he could try and clean the house, just until I get on another shift, he didn't. I got clinically depressed, had to go on medication, ever since then, he thinks of me as mentally ill. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he does.

Men and their egos are often the problems in the marriage, especially in the first 7 years of the marriage. Do NOT listen to what he says. Most of all, he is using sarcasm to boost his ego. Sarcasm is much like a bee sting. When a bee stings, the direct hit of poison causes immediate pain and inflammation. Men is often the main cause of sarcasm within the marriage. As I posted in another thread, often, it is reported that within the marriage sarcasm is one of the most harmful verbal tactics used against a spouse and destroys communication and unity in marriage and one of the leading causes of communication breakdown. While humor may appear to soften the blow, the unseen emotional damage of sarcasm can be devastating that may never be recovered. Sarcastic environment robs a marriage of peace and joy, two fruits of the fruit of the Holy Spirit in a Christian’s life (Galatians 5:22-23). Sarcasm HURTS the intimacy between a husband and wife.

Tough love is needed to get your husband to wake up. Love him but at the same time, keep arms length to make him aware where you STAND in the marriage.

 

[hopelovefaith]

Where do I stand in the marriage?

 

[JimfromOhio]

Where do I stand in the marriage?

What you want in YOUR marriage. Why you married HIM in the first place. The true meaning of marriage as God sees marriage. Pray and God will guide you.

 

[hopelovefaith]

I have lost all hope that I could get what need or want from him in my marriage

 

[JimfromOhio]

I have lost all hope that I could get what need or want from him in my marriage

Not if you have hope in God's GRACE to help you. Focus on God first and then focus on your marriage. Have God lead you in reconciling your marriage. You may "feel" you lost hope but that's human nature of feeling. Don't let that control you. Focus on God and get help from a local church or find a Christian counselor !!!

Will keep praying for you.

 

[JimfromOhio]

I have to leave soon. I will be thinking of you. Remember, "God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." (2 Corinthians 9:8). In 2 Corinthians 12:9 God said: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness (marriage trouble)."

You are not alone. Please bear that in mind. And remember, when you most aware of your problems, you can incline to collapse into God's strength and experience His amazing grace in your life if you allow Him.

 

[Alpine]

He sees me as the one with problems. The first year of my marriage, we had two children fourteen months apart, I worked while I was pregnant, and I only asked of him that he pick stuff up off the floor for me since I couldn't bend down very easily, it seems inoccent, but it hurt that he didn't do it very often if at all. Then we moved, and I took on a half night shift, we bought a house that needed a lot of renovations that we couldn't afford, so I couldn't get out of the shift, I asked him in desperation if he could try and clean the house, just until I get on another shift, he didn't. I got clinically depressed, had to go on medication, ever since then, he thinks of me as mentally ill. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he does.

So let me get this straight. You work full time and he does not work. he sits around all day and does.... (?) He refuses to clean yet doesn't work?

This is very confusing if not strange to me. I can understand circumstances where the spouse who can make more money will work and the other stays home, but....he refuses to clean the house when he is not working at all?

I would actually love to hear his side of the story. I am curious what else is going on.

 

[hopelovefaith]

So let me get this straight. You work full time and he does not work. he sits around all day and does.... (?) He refuses to clean yet doesn't work?

This is very confusing if not strange to me. I can understand circumstances where the spouse who can make more money will work and the other stays home, but....he refuses to clean the house when he is not working at all?

I would actually love to hear his side of the story. I am curious what else is going on.

He doesn't refuse, but he still doesn't hardly do anything. He does a load of dishes one week and he thinks he's done his duty and he's the savior of the world, "can't say I don't do anything". I ask him nicely, try to encourage, ect. I just get fed up because I feel like his mother. You would like to hear his side of the story, because I'm the villian in it that treats him like I'm his mother. We've talked kindly about it several times, it doesn't work, he maybe helps me clean up for a day, then slowly goes back to his old ways of staying on the computer writing messages, emails, looking at news articles and such. He acts like his life is one big vacation or something and I'm his nagging mother trying to get him to help out. I can see his frustration in it, but what about mine? I can't handle it anymore.

 

[churchlady]

Can you tell us why your husband doesn't work. Is he disabled in some way?

 

[hopelovefaith]

Can you tell us why your husband doesn't work. Is he disabled in some way?

He's not disabled, possibly had ADHD as a child. I've looked for signs of it in him, he doesn't have an attention problem and is very mellow (usually, unless he gets mad at me).

 

[Optimax]

Under what circumstances would you hit your wife or feel justified to do so?

There is no excuse for a man to hit his wife.

 

[hopelovefaith]

I really don't know what is normal behavior anymore and what to expect from him. It doesn't seem that he deliberately tries to hurt me or not do his part. He doesn't have this wicked plot to just make me his servant for the rest of his life. But I feel like his servant.

 

[hopelovefaith]

then after washing his clothes, making him dinner every night, even after work, cleaning the house, doing the dishes, he hits me like that.

 

[pdudgeon]

you cannot change your husband, but there might be some things you can do to lower your own frustration level.
1. put your kids in daycare. that way they are looked after, they won't be making messes at home, and hopefully their environment will be better.

2. go to the welfare office, get the paperwork necessary for your husband to file a claim, and bring it home. if he will file it might be enough to afford the daycare.

3. change to paper plates. it will make less to clean up after.

4. since he does little or nothing at home, expect that kind of behavior from him. If he does anything at all, praise him for it.

5. If you ask him to do anything make sure you have his full attention when you ask, explain why you need this done, and thank him in advance for doing it.

6. put a message center on the refrigerator door. put one task on there every day, and change them daily. when it's done he can erase it. That way when you come home if the board is wiped clean you don't have to ask him if it's done. If it's not done, change the task anyway but don't do the undone task yourself.

7. find something to do as a family away from the house at least once a month.

 

[churchlady]

one says I should forgive, another that there should be consequences. My heart says to forgive I guess.

Forgiveness and giving consequences are both needed here, not just one.

Forgiveness means that you give the wrongs, done to you, to God to judge and deal with his heart.

For instance, you might say .....Lord, just as you forgave me all my sins, so I forgive *____* for the wrongs committed against me. Please deal with him, as you see fit.

Then, the most loving thing you can do for your husband is to call him to some accountability and give him consequences if he refuses to work toward mutual improvement.

Is he willing to sit down and have civil conversation about your life together? For instance, if you wanted to establish mutual physical boundaries when argueing, would he comply?

If you bring up the issue of him not working, would he listen? Would he try to get a job?

If not, you need to be prepared to let him know, that it's not acceptable to you. That you love him and want a healty home, but he must bring something to the table to show that he wants that too.

But you must be prepared to follow through. Because you husband may want a free ride more than he wants a healthy relationship. This is extremely painful to learn about someone you love, but you need to know the truth.

 

[hopelovefaith]

Maybe he does have some sort of ADHD left over. I never thought about it but now, but since my son may be soon diagnosed with it, I've been reading up on it. It seems for most that they are able to focus on things that interest them, but it's extremely hard to focus on things that do not interest them, such as cleaning, in fact, if they have to do these things, it makes them miserable, and he is miserable everytime he tries to do it (I even feel bad for him, and that's not normal). Thank you for your prayers, I think now I should talk to him (very nicely) about seeing someone about it to see if that's the issue and see if we can get it resolved somehow. Thank you for listening to my pity story and offering help.

 

[churchlady]

Maybe he does have some sort of ADHD left over. I never thought about it but now, but since my son may be soon diagnosed with it, I've been reading up on it. It seems for most that they are able to focus on things that interest them, but it's extremely hard to focus on things that do not interest them, such as cleaning, in fact, if they have to do these things, it makes them miserable, and he is miserable everytime he tries to do it (I even feel bad for him, and that's not normal). Thank you for your prayers, I think now I should talk to him (very nicely) about seeing someone about it to see if that's the issue and see if we can get it resolved somehow. Thank you for listening to my pity story and offering help.

God bless you dear. Let us know how it goes.

 

[Shizzle]

As christians, we never have a "right" to hurt another. if the action is in defense of ourselves it is "right", but a slap poses no real danger to onesself. If she was inadvertantly physicaly endangering the children, then it would be acceptable.

 

[Questioning Christian]

There are a bunch of thoughts running through my head at this time after I've read the original post, as well as the responses.

a. My first thought is that we need to be careful how we counsel this woman. I see different answers coming from different angles, and we need to be careful that we don't confuse her with too many suggestions or too much information.

b. My second thought is that we probably need to let the women handle this issue for hopelovefaith. I would suggest some of the women to PM her, so as to keep this out of public discussion. There is the possibility that her husband, or someone she knows, might read these forums, and if this information of this post got back to her husband, it could be very disastrous.

c. My third thought is that it's very easy for us to suggest some quick action, but perhaps we don't understand how hard it is for her to do ANYTHING, although she may want to do EVERYTHING to stop this situation.

It's very hard for abused people to see how abused they are in the middle of the situation, especially how long this has been going on. If she's just now getting to the point where she's talking about it, there is sure to be a lot of other things which have gone on before that led up to this point.

It's also very scary to report abuse. When the police or Child Services come to the door investigating, the abuser is expert at making things seem calm just long enough to send the investigators away, then when the door shuts and the car pulls out of the driveway, WHAM, it starts all over again.

And let's say she DOES succeed at getting the kids into some custody, or getting him arrested. At some point, he'll be released on bail, or else he'll be on probation for 90 days, or he'll finish some jail time, or finish anger management counseling, then he'll be around her and the children at some point, at which time he'll proceed to take out his anger for being jailed or for being investigated.

The victims are afraid of losing their children, afraid of losing their house, afraid of losing their safety, afraid of losing lots of things. Everyone knows that many restraining orders are nothing but jokes that have less value than the paper the judge issued them on. Those orders don't scare the abuser in the least.

I am not saying that we should refrain from counseling, but we need to think long and hard about what we suggest, because there are some solutions which may present temporary relief in the interim but could produce long-term implications which may be worse than the problems they sought to fix in the first place.