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Spiritlight

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Lol. what does that mean really? But funny statement though.
regarding honesty if your wife asks you if she looks fat in her new dress and in your opinion she does, honesty while good for the conscience may not be a good idea especially if dinner is involved or you have to pay for another dress..
 
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Hazelelponi

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you have the behavior of someone who has been abused, either emotionally or physically.

You apologizing all the time is a sign of mild ptsd from long term abuse.

Why do you feel the need to lie about what you have or have not eaten from the house?

deal with the abuse... then you will stop feeling a need to apologize.
 
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Spiritlight

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She probably looks damned awful in that dress and you've been wanting to tell her for the past couple of years. However, we have to be nice don't we - so just tell her the dress is lovely and that any vomiting you do is done in secret!
Never say the F word to women. A fashion tragedy dress can be commented on but mentioning weight or Fat is risky. You get to practice apologising for an hour while she doesn't talk to you..
 
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Hazelelponi

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regarding honesty if your wife asks you if she looks fat in her new dress and in your opinion she does, honesty while good for the conscience may not be a good idea especially if dinner is involved or you have to pay for another dress..

The best bet when speaking to people is to find what you DO like about what they are wearing and compliment that.

If it's a great color on them point it out, if you can find nothing good about the outfit look at the hair or jewelry to compliment.

Be proactive in compliments in order to avoid uncomfortable point blank yes or no questions.

if your spouse asks you if she looks fat you don't have to lie, just say you'd think she was the sexiest women on the planet even if she was as round as she is tall..

For most guys it's not a lie, they really aren't terribly picky. Women care more about weight than men.
 
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com7fy8

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i had just eaten something, but the food i was asked about was of the food we all eat in the house, which i hadn't. So I'm confused because i feel i lied based on the general food in our house which i hadn't eaten.
Well, in case you ate before you knew everyone would be eating with each other . . . maybe it would be good to wait until everyone will be together to eat, so you can enjoy loving one another and being together to eat.

Another thing > if you lie about how you have already eaten what they will not be eating > why do you feel like lying?
 
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Rescued One

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Never say the F word to women. A fashion tragedy dress can be commented on but mentioning weight or Fat is risky. You get to practice apologising for an hour while she doesn't talk to you..

In forty-some years my late husband NEVER, NEVER, NEVER told me I needed fashion advice and always said I looked good except one time when I asked him to go with me for a physical exam and he thought he was being funny (he wasn't).
 
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We'll, I'm confused about something. I would like to know how you handle situations like these. I have this kind of character of wanting to apologise if i say something that is wrong or if i feel what i said may have offended a person. An example is, i have to apologise to the person and like in a day i could say sorry a lot. And it seems sometimes this action is not good as i was advices to not say it. Ive been trying to reduce how often i feel i have to apologise. And then I recently encountered something. I dont like lieing. so if i do lie, i feel like I have to apologise. Now i lied about eating when asked if I'd eaten. And i feel like apologising. but theres somethingelse about this. I dont know wether to say its an excuse but if it is, i would like to know your view. Before i said i had eaten, i had just eaten something, but the food i was asked about was of the food we all eat in the house, which i hadn't. So I'm confused because i feel i lied based on the general food in our house which i hadn't eaten. but i had eaten something different. Lol. I know this sounds maybe odd, but, this kind of situation bothers me and i dont know wether its at all wrong if i decide not to apologise in this situation or not. It's been a day now since this happened. Sometimes honestly i wish I could avoid certain questions like that so that if i dont feel like answering or don't just want to answer, i dont lie. Has anyone encountered a situation like that? and if you can honestly say how you react when you don't feel like talking or responding to a question asked, i would appreciate. Would like to hear your view about this type of situation. And wether i like it or not it seems even worse situations may come in relation to this type of situation and i would like to know, in every form of situation, if an individual just says something incorrectly, but then sees his wrong, must he or she apologise first? no matter if he happens to say something he or she did not mean to?
Honestly....


I think you should reflect a bit on how you do your "triage" between what's really important and what isn't. And then only worry about the important stuff.

To me, it sounds that your biggest problem is that everything seems to be of the same level of "importance" in your head.

When if you have eaten comes up in a conversation and the other person walks away thinking you ate a burger while actually it was a club sandwich - nobody cares. You shouldn't either.

Unless you are like really allergic to club sandwiches or something.


Other then that, I honestly think you have more important things in your life to worry about then such trivial things.



Also, if you don't want to answer a certain question, then don't.
And if you don't want to address the reason why you don't want to answer, then don't either.


To end with... personally, I get really annoyed with people who are apologizing 24/7, especially if it is for things they have no control over. To me, it comes accross are really submissive and defeated personalities. I prefer people to have strong personalities with a minimum of self-confidence.

Because that's the social price you pay when you continuously apologize for literally everything imo: you'll come accross as very insecure, with very low level of self-confidence, very low sense of self-worth,...

But that's just my opinion off course.
 
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Maxsteel

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Well, in case you ate before you knew everyone would be eating with each other . . . maybe it would be good to wait until everyone will be together to eat, so you can enjoy loving one another and being together to eat.

Another thing > if you lie about how you have already eaten what they will not be eating > why do you feel like lying?
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate. There's more to my reaction in this situation which i may not exactly talk of now, and which also kind of has a hand in why i reacted that way in this situation. I've onve posted on this site years ago about part of my life. If i can ill share the link back or if its ok you can, check my profile page. I'm not exactly a together person. not that its not good to eat together, but im not yet there in that form of life. may be part of it was due to my past. If you read the thread i posted here in 2013, part of it could be why i behave the way I do sometimes or other reasons may have influenced my behaviour now. But I hope to be better. I wouldn't say i feel like lieing, but at that point in time when i had to respond, i wish I wasn't asked that question at that time from the person. (Sorry dont want to mention or refer.) My response was i had eaten. And the question of say was if i had eaten based on the general food which i had not. what i ate was something i bought. Thanks again for your reply. I appreciate.
 
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Honestly....

Because that's the social price you pay when you continuously apologize for literally everything imo: you'll come accross as very insecure, with very low level of self-confidence, very low sense of self-worth,...

But that's just my opinion off course.

:wave: Some of us were raised to be socially insecure!
 
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Spiritlight

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We'll, I'm confused about something. I would like to know how you handle situations like these. I have this kind of character of wanting to apologise if i say something that is wrong or if i feel what i said may have offended a person.
Unless they make it obvious that you have you probably didn't offend them .

Another bizzare concept if you are not used to it is sometimes people (not family) will ask you to explain yourself to them about what you have done in your own life regarding your own choices and then be "offended' by the answer. The truth is you owe nobody an explanation for what choices you make that does not directly involve them and frequently when it does they still aren't owed an explanation but should accept your right to choose. for example what business does anyone have asking you about your dietary choices and times you ate and possibly wanting an explanation? You should be offended and apologised to for the imposition not the other way around. As a vegan I get this frequently
 
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Maxsteel

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Honestly....


I think you should reflect a bit on how you do your "triage" between what's really important and what isn't. And then only worry about the important stuff.

To me, it sounds that your biggest problem is that everything seems to be of the same level of "importance" in your head.

When if you have eaten comes up in a conversation and the other person walks away thinking you ate a burger while actually it was a club sandwich - nobody cares. You shouldn't either.

Unless you are like really allergic to club sandwiches or something.


Other then that, I honestly think you have more important things in your life to worry about then such trivial things.



Also, if you don't want to answer a certain question, then don't.
And if you don't want to address the reason why you don't want to answer, then don't either.


To end with... personally, I get really annoyed with people who are apologizing 24/7, especially if it is for things they have no control over. To me, it comes accross are really submissive and defeated personalities. I prefer people to have strong personalities with a minimum of self-confidence.

Because that's the social price you pay when you continuously apologize for literally everything imo: you'll come accross as very insecure, with very low level of self-confidence, very low sense of self-worth,...

But that's just my opinion off course.
I'll try. Maybe i take everything or most things of the same level of importance. havent observed that. I think i care that I dont maybe say the wrong thing and I'm concerned that if what i said was wrong i need to correct or apologise to the person even if i dont apologise immediately, i have to try and apologise. And this happens for like maybe any type of situation, or any context even if it may not seem like a big dea or even if it seemd small. Lol. looks like what you said. everything has the same level of importance in my head. Maybe that's why. I'll try to learn and hope i can respond properly and correctly in such situations. your last paragraph kind of is the type of person i kind of im. I apologise maybe a lot.based on mistakes i may have made. Thank you again for your answer. I appreciate.
 
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Maxsteel

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regarding honesty if your wife asks you if she looks fat in her new dress and in your opinion she does, honesty while good for the conscience may not be a good idea especially if dinner is involved or you have to pay for another dress..
I understand what you mean. Thanks for the explanation. But in the case of the wife, at somepoint it would be better to tell her the truth but with a solution. But not too late. so that theres a good change and it would help her.
 
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Spiritlight

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I understand what you mean. Thanks for the explanation. But in the case of the wife, at somepoint it would be better to tell her the truth but with a solution. But not too late. so that theres a good change and it would help her.
Lol Max if the dress is tight she already knows there is a possible weight issue or ill fitting dress and wants to hear she looks great anyway to get through the night out. Wink.
 
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TagliatelliMonster

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I'll try. Maybe i take everything or most things of the same level of importance. havent observed that. I think i care that I dont maybe say the wrong thing and I'm concerned that if what i said was wrong i need to correct or apologise to the person even if i dont apologise immediately, i have to try and apologise. And this happens for like maybe any type of situation, or any context even if it may not seem like a big dea or even if it seemd small. Lol. looks like what you said. everything has the same level of importance in my head. Maybe that's why. I'll try to learn and hope i can respond properly and correctly in such situations. your last paragraph kind of is the type of person i kind of im. I apologise maybe a lot.based on mistakes i may have made. Thank you again for your answer. I appreciate.


I'm reminded of something my old drum teacher once told me when practicing an extremely annoying sticking pattern. I actually took it very philosophically and extended the idea far beyond then just my drumset. To the point that it has become one of the basic ideas of how I live life.

He said (paraphrasing):

"Don't ever be afraid of making a mistake. Don't choke up. Never choke up. If you settle on going for it, then GO FOR IT. And if it's wrong, it's wrong. Play it loud and clear, acknowledge it and laugh about it afterwards. The only thing you can do - is do your best. If 'your best' results in a mistake - then it is an honest mistake, because you did your best, didn't you? So why should you have regrets? Why should you be ashamed? You did what you could. Now that you have made the honest mistake - learn from it and try not to repeat it. And do your best again. Repeat ad nauseum, till you get it right."
 
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Maxsteel

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Unless they make it obvious that you have you probably didn't offend them .

Another bizzare concept if you are not used to it is sometimes people (not family) will ask you to explain yourself to them about what you have done in your own life regarding your own choices and then be "offended' by the answer. The truth is you owe nobody an explanation for what choices you make that does not directly involve them and frequently when it does they still aren't owed an explanation but should accept your right to choose. for example what business does anyone have asking you about your dietary choices and times you ate and possibly wanting an explanation? You should be offended and apologised to for the imposition not the other way around. As a vegan I get this frequently
Interesting. But I would ask, what if the person would want to help, by asking those questions? Would it be wrong to say that the context of the situation could influence an individual's reaction to ask questions which deal with the choices we may have made, and thus could be helpful? I feel it varies with the context of the situation though. Maybe wanting an explanation if required, is maybe ok, but if it isn't necessary, then it shouldn't be asked. My thoughts though.
 
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Maxsteel

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Lol Max if the dress is tight she already knows there is a possible weight issue or ill fitting dress and wants to hear she looks great anyway to get through the night out. Wink.
that's a possibility. But would it help her if she was overweight? I feel overweight if I'm right isn't a healthy weight for a person. If its not telling her at that immediate moment, i think i understand, but i feel a light form of encouraging solution would be good for her. just my thought.
 
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Maxsteel

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I'm reminded of something my old drum teacher once told me when practicing an extremely annoying sticking pattern. I actually took it very philosophically and extended the idea far beyond then just my drumset. To the point that it has become one of the basic ideas of how I live life.

He said (paraphrasing):

"Don't ever be afraid of making a mistake. Don't choke up. Never choke up. If you settle on going for it, then GO FOR IT. And if it's wrong, it's wrong. Play it loud and clear, acknowledge it and laugh about it afterwards. The only thing you can do - is do your best. If 'your best' results in a mistake - then it is an honest mistake, because you did your best, didn't you? So why should you have regrets? Why should you be ashamed? You did what you could. Now that you have made the honest mistake - learn from it and try not to repeat it. And do your best again. Repeat ad nauseum, till you get it right."
Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate. Thank you for quote from your drum teacher. I appreciate.
 
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