Wife surprised me with Separation

[dayhiker]

Hi J's ... thanks for the additional insight ... OH, I am male.

 

[jimmyjimmy]

Jimmyjimmy, your words are wise and mostly accurate. For many men, but not for all. Believe me when I say that I know that you're partially right, but not completely.

With just your post to go on and not personally knowing you both, of course I'm guessing based on experience of human nature. I would never expect to have nailed it.

At this point, don't you think I should put my marriage before me? If I don't, the opposite of saving it may be the result.

As the saying goes, you'll never know that Christ is all you need until Christ is all you have. Find your needs met in Him, and if she comes back or not, you will be fine. Of course you will mourn, but you won't be distraught. The fact that you are so distraught is an indication that you have placed your very identity, in some part, where it does not belong, in her. Ask me how I know this. . .

My guess is that the best way for you to win here back is to be so self confident that you truly don't "need" her. IMO, no spouse should place that kind of burden on the other anyway.

 

[J's Husband]

With just your post to go on and not personally knowing you both, of course I'm guessing based on experience of human nature. I would never expect to have nailed it.



As the saying goes, you'll never know that Christ is all you need until Christ is all you have. Find your needs met in Him, and if she comes back or not, you will be fine. Of course you will mourn, but you won't be distraught. The fact that you are so distraught is an indication that you have placed your very identity, in some part, where it does not belong, in her. Ask me how I know this. . .

My guess is that the best way for you to win here back is to be so self confident that you truly don't "need" her. IMO, no spouse should place that kind of burden on the other anyway.

Wow...very well put. Thank you for your counsel. Very much needed. I'll do what you say...I see myself a bit clearer and that's never a bad thing. Blessings to you. Please keep me in your prayers as well as my situation.

 

[jimmyjimmy]

Wow...very well put. Thank you for your counsel. Very much needed. I'll do what you say...I see myself a bit clearer and that's never a bad thing. Blessings to you. Please keep me in your prayers as well as my situation.

I will pray for you, and what I will pray is that your focus be on Christ, and how you, through this pain, can be made more like Him. May God bless you and use this experience to form you more fully into the image of His precious Son, which is His goal for all of us.

I've tasted the deep pain and loss that are experiencing at several points in my life, and with the gift of hindsight and because of great pastors and teachers, I see that He used these trial to shape my life. The loving Potter is working. Be clay in His hands. Turn your full focus toward Him, and place the full weight of your soul on Him.

May your faith in Him increase 10 fold, my friend.

My former pastor, through his preaching, was extremely helpful in helping me use a time of great suffering as an opportunity for growth. Here are a few sermons that you might find helpful.

Removing Idols of the Heart http://www.gospelinlife.com/removing-idols-of-the-heart-5600

A Christians Happiness

Questions of Suffering

Praying Our Tears

 

[akmom]

Ah, J's Husband, I'm sorry to hear that your world is getting turned upside-down. Your situation is not really uncommon, and I've known people in the ministry run into this very thing.

I know it seems random and sudden, and you just want it to go away. But the fact is, it’s been brewing for a long time, and it’s a culmination of mistakes that you didn’t even know you made. You can hide it for awhile, try to maintain appearances, and hope things fall back into place the way they were. But the truth is, it sounds like your wife has already played with that idea – possibly for years – and it simply isn’t good enough. Think honestly about the people in your life that have overcome crises. Did they accomplish this by shaking it off and going back to the blissful way things were? Or were they broken, forced to confront real flaws that don’t just “go away,” and rebuild something entirely different and better?

I think your situation starts with the assumption you both made 22 years ago, that your wife wanted to be a minister’s wife and begin that life right away. Eighteen years is awfully young to embark on any “career,” and most people change careers 3 or more times in a lifetime. What stay-at-home motherhood looks like when you’re young is much different than what it looks like when you’re older, and that’s a hard thing for a young woman to understand. You, being older, were probably more ready for this commitment than she was. That doesn’t mean she would have chosen differently when she was older. It probably means she would have been more certain about it. She may have done things differently too. Now she’s 40 years old, and all the second-guessing and realizations over the years have come to a head, and she feels that if she wants to do something different, it’s now or never.


It sounds like you had the best of intentions, and still do. But clearly you made mistakes, as everyone does. Literally everyone. No one gets their life right on the first try. But brother, you have got to let go of this idea that you got it right, and Satan has suddenly crept in and destroyed it, and your wife just needs to denounce sin and get back with the program! You need to see what she sees. You need to understand what really went wrong, and actually be able to accept that things did go wrong, and meet her where her heart is. I can’t claim to know what she feels, but as a woman of a similar age (but different life trajectory), I’m going to guess in order to give you a prompt.

Perhaps she feels that by marrying an older man, likely already established in his education and career, she missed out on most of the hardships of young adulthood and the rewards of it. It seems easy at first. By marrying an older man, you skip the low-wage jobs, the impossible budgeting, the crummy housing. But you also grow up without all the life experiences that those trials teach, and when she talks with her peers over the years, she may very well feel “gypped” out of those trials that you and her both thought she was being “spared” from. And she isn’t wrong. As a woman married half as long, I can say those years were the hardest but most crucial parts of the life my husband and I forged together. Understand that she didn’t get to experience that.


Perhaps she feels she missed out on an education and everything that comes with it. I suspect she did, in fact, get some post-secondary education because your timeline puts her first child at age 24. But if I know anything about evangelical families, that could mean a very sheltered childhood of homeschool/private school and a continued education that is seminary… none of which really exposes a student to cultures and opportunities outside evangelicalism and ministry. I grew up in an evangelical family, and in fact got a lot of pressure and grief for not going into missionary work, but I must say that my secular college education was a rich, faith-affirming experience that I highly value. Sometimes Christians create these “bubbles” for themselves that are really stifling. Try to understand what this means for your wife.

Perhaps she does not feel like she has connections to society. People feel connected to each other within families, within churches, within work environments, schools and regular community programs. They don’t form meaningful connections by shopping, attending sermons, doing chores or going to one-time events. Stay-at-home mothers complain about this lack of connection more than anything else! They may feel no one depends on them, that they are not providing services to anyone that are valued. There’s pressure, accountability, and appreciation that comes with having a “role,” whether it’s employment or a position. If, as a minister’s wife, she is not actually taking a leadership role in a church, and her children are getting older, it’s very possible that she feels her life lacks connections. It may be hard to articulate this feeling, but as a woman I can tell you it is most likely the biggest problem your wife is facing. Take a look at the connections that other women in the church have, in the 50+ age range. Husbands? Grown kids? Grandkids? That is what she is approaching. Imagine your place in the world if you had been unemployed for the past 20 years, had no specific skill set, and were thrown into an unfamiliar community. Who would you be? Understand what this scenario means for a woman!


She may also be feeling a pinch from your age difference. If you’re not active in the same social groups, or you fraternize with adults near retirement while she hangs out with people sort of at the height of their careers, it might start to feel like you’re in two different worlds. Time and health will only exacerbate the difference. Understand what life looks like for a 40-year-old and don’t try to make her appreciate a life that is more suited for much older women.


Finally, I believe the best thing you have to offer her and your marriage is sincerity. Be willing to listen to her and apologize and cry, and be willing to get on the same page as her. Throwing logic and scripture or guilt trips of any kind at her, or begging her to go back to the way things were, does not show sincere love. She has tried the faithful, scripture-based life and she is not happy. Accept that. Accept that things went wrong and that may not be what is in store for your family any more.


I know you think it will compromise your ministry if you don’t hide these events, but I disagree. Ministries do not serve people by creating an example of life and family that is not real. Let them see your struggles and faith and God’s grace in honesty. Let your kids see marriage how it honestly is. Show them what it looks like to face real devastation and be broken, and yet respond in love and devotion, and don’t let the work of the Spirit in your life be hidden. That doesn’t mean air your dirty laundry, fight in public, or confide in your kids all the sinful details you perceive in each other. Be honest that you are having a struggle, but that you love each other and you are trying, and that both of you are dedicated to the kids. They will value your honesty and trust you more for it.

 

[dayhiker]

That's for sharing that akmom, I felt some of that but didn't know how to express it.

 

[J's Husband]

Ah, J's Husband, I'm sorry to hear that your world is getting turned upside-down. Your situation is not really uncommon, and I've known people in the ministry run into this very thing.

I know it seems random and sudden, and you just want it to go away. But the fact is, it’s been brewing for a long time, and it’s a culmination of mistakes that you didn’t even know you made. You can hide it for awhile, try to maintain appearances, and hope things fall back into place the way they were. But the truth is, it sounds like your wife has already played with that idea – possibly for years – and it simply isn’t good enough. Think honestly about the people in your life that have overcome crises. Did they accomplish this by shaking it off and going back to the blissful way things were? Or were they broken, forced to confront real flaws that don’t just “go away,” and rebuild something entirely different and better?

I think your situation starts with the assumption you both made 22 years ago, that your wife wanted to be a minister’s wife and begin that life right away. Eighteen years is awfully young to embark on any “career,” and most people change careers 3 or more times in a lifetime. What stay-at-home motherhood looks like when you’re young is much different than what it looks like when you’re older, and that’s a hard thing for a young woman to understand. You, being older, were probably more ready for this commitment than she was. That doesn’t mean she would have chosen differently when she was older. It probably means she would have been more certain about it. She may have done things differently too. Now she’s 40 years old, and all the second-guessing and realizations over the years have come to a head, and she feels that if she wants to do something different, it’s now or never.


It sounds like you had the best of intentions, and still do. But clearly you made mistakes, as everyone does. Literally everyone. No one gets their life right on the first try. But brother, you have got to let go of this idea that you got it right, and Satan has suddenly crept in and destroyed it, and your wife just needs to denounce sin and get back with the program! You need to see what she sees. You need to understand what really went wrong, and actually be able to accept that things did go wrong, and meet her where her heart is. I can’t claim to know what she feels, but as a woman of a similar age (but different life trajectory), I’m going to guess in order to give you a prompt.

Perhaps she feels that by marrying an older man, likely already established in his education and career, she missed out on most of the hardships of young adulthood and the rewards of it. It seems easy at first. By marrying an older man, you skip the low-wage jobs, the impossible budgeting, the crummy housing. But you also grow up without all the life experiences that those trials teach, and when she talks with her peers over the years, she may very well feel “gypped” out of those trials that you and her both thought she was being “spared” from. And she isn’t wrong. As a woman married half as long, I can say those years were the hardest but most crucial parts of the life my husband and I forged together. Understand that she didn’t get to experience that.


Perhaps she feels she missed out on an education and everything that comes with it. I suspect she did, in fact, get some post-secondary education because your timeline puts her first child at age 24. But if I know anything about evangelical families, that could mean a very sheltered childhood of homeschool/private school and a continued education that is seminary… none of which really exposes a student to cultures and opportunities outside evangelicalism and ministry. I grew up in an evangelical family, and in fact got a lot of pressure and grief for not going into missionary work, but I must say that my secular college education was a rich, faith-affirming experience that I highly value. Sometimes Christians create these “bubbles” for themselves that are really stifling. Try to understand what this means for your wife.

Perhaps she does not feel like she has connections to society. People feel connected to each other within families, within churches, within work environments, schools and regular community programs. They don’t form meaningful connections by shopping, attending sermons, doing chores or going to one-time events. Stay-at-home mothers complain about this lack of connection more than anything else! They may feel no one depends on them, that they are not providing services to anyone that are valued. There’s pressure, accountability, and appreciation that comes with having a “role,” whether it’s employment or a position. If, as a minister’s wife, she is not actually taking a leadership role in a church, and her children are getting older, it’s very possible that she feels her life lacks connections. It may be hard to articulate this feeling, but as a woman I can tell you it is most likely the biggest problem your wife is facing. Take a look at the connections that other women in the church have, in the 50+ age range. Husbands? Grown kids? Grandkids? That is what she is approaching. Imagine your place in the world if you had been unemployed for the past 20 years, had no specific skill set, and were thrown into an unfamiliar community. Who would you be? Understand what this scenario means for a woman!


She may also be feeling a pinch from your age difference. If you’re not active in the same social groups, or you fraternize with adults near retirement while she hangs out with people sort of at the height of their careers, it might start to feel like you’re in two different worlds. Time and health will only exacerbate the difference. Understand what life looks like for a 40-year-old and don’t try to make her appreciate a life that is more suited for much older women.


Finally, I believe the best thing you have to offer her and your marriage is sincerity. Be willing to listen to her and apologize and cry, and be willing to get on the same page as her. Throwing logic and scripture or guilt trips of any kind at her, or begging her to go back to the way things were, does not show sincere love. She has tried the faithful, scripture-based life and she is not happy. Accept that. Accept that things went wrong and that may not be what is in store for your family any more.


I know you think it will compromise your ministry if you don’t hide these events, but I disagree. Ministries do not serve people by creating an example of life and family that is not real. Let them see your struggles and faith and God’s grace in honesty. Let your kids see marriage how it honestly is. Show them what it looks like to face real devastation and be broken, and yet respond in love and devotion, and don’t let the work of the Spirit in your life be hidden. That doesn’t mean air your dirty laundry, fight in public, or confide in your kids all the sinful details you perceive in each other. Be honest that you are having a struggle, but that you love each other and you are trying, and that both of you are dedicated to the kids. They will value your honesty and trust you more for it.

Hi Dayhiker,
I appreciate the time and thoughtfulness that you put into this message. You don't know all the facts, but you gave some very helpful advice. Although my wife married young, she didn't miss out on any of the struggles of advancing in career and education. We were poor and started out in apartments, lost jobs, cars, home, etc. You were very helpful in enlightening me about the social disconnect. This is certainly a major contributing factor. That has been a part of our current problem and I'm learning to deal with that as I continue in prayer for reconciliation. You were also very insightful regarding the ministry, scripture, faith aspect. I've also come to grips with that, and that one was/is very challenging for me...but I am cognizant of this and deal with it accordingly. I don't tell her of my struggle against the demonic influences that are involved, (I mentioned it initially when she first dropped this on me, but not since), however, it is something that I cannot and would be a fool to dismiss. I will fight against them in prayer and will be healed myself through prayer, as I pray that she finds mercy and grace with our Father. Thank you for your heart. Please keep us in your prayers.

 

[jimmyjimmy]

How are you? Any change?

 

[J's Husband]

How are you? Any change?

Hi,
Thank you for checking in. I'm doing ok. I'm improving by the day. Your advice was very hard and was advanced for me. Over the past month, I've gotten near the place I need to be to follow your advice. It's been a daily whirlwind and I'm growing downward so that Christ can be lifted in me. I think my peace is in my decrease and His increase in me. I did post an update this morning (
UPDATE: http://www.christianforums.com/threads/wife-surprised-me-with-separation.7978532).

Thank you again, please keep me in your prayers.

 

[jimmyjimmy]

Hi,
Thank you for checking in. I'm doing ok. I'm improving by the day. Your advice was very hard and was advanced for me. Over the past month, I've gotten near the place I need to be to follow your advice. It's been a daily whirlwind and I'm growing downward so that Christ can be lifted in me. I think my peace is in my decrease and His increase in me. I did post an update this morning (
UPDATE: http://www.christianforums.com/threads/wife-surprised-me-with-separation.7978532).

Thank you again, please keep me in your prayers.

May the Lord bring peace to your mind, joy to your heart, and restoration to your marriage, as you look to Him to meet all of your needs.

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19)

 

[vinsight4u]

deleted

 

[J's Husband]

Hi. Have read some of your posts and will read more. You speak
of being inline for the job as head pastor at a different church. How
much has your wife participated in what you refer to as "my ministry"?
Did she know you wanted to preach when she married you at 18? What
were you already doing towards that goal at thirty?

Hi,
My wife was an Air Force brat and was raised on military bases many of them over seas in Europe. However, her family was/is a church-going family. She has always been familiar with the ministry and a wife's role in it. However, she had never been in that role herself. When we got married I had been in ministry for several years and was in the process of looking for a church to pastor then. Instead I decided that I would start a church, but the Lord said not yet and the effort never got off the ground. That's what was going on from a ministry perspective when we married. I don't claim now that she had the full understanding of what her role would be, I didn't even know; I just knew what I know now, I love her, and would not stress her with ministry demands that she was not ready for.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[J's Husband]

Hi again,

How are you doing? Are you still losing weight like you mentioned before was happening? There are so many things I would like to say. First, I don't understand as to the Daniel Fast and others pray in squads with Captains and such. When your wife won't let you kiss her, then why don't you send her one through the air? Tell her that you left some on her car for her? Do you call her sweet names - like honey, babe? The first thing I would do is make sure neither of you has been cheating or has the desire to cheat. She has taken off her wedding band and that tells me that you are starting at the bottom to try to restore the belief in her that you are in love with her and adore her. She cares about the kids, so that's good! Do you tell her that you worry about her when she is away? You care how she is getting along away from home? This is not a sudden she just up and left situation, as it has been building for years - as in not cuddling. You also need to know is she a Christian or not. Communication has been shut off at her end for now, so you just need to take small steps to get to what made her feel like leaving at night. She missed out on what? What can she not do that she can't do married - other than marry or date someone else? Send her kisses that look for the most gorgeous lady in town. Let her know how much she means to you and her needs mean to you.

I'm doing better, thank you for checking in on me. My weight loss has stopped and stablized. I've even gained 2 lbs over the last week or so. I have some good days, and then it all falls apart sometimes at night. The timing of this is aweful. I agree that it's been building, but she's a very difficult person to get close to emotionally. She's very guarded and shuts down or gets angry if pressed on any substantial issue. I bought her a card a few weeks ago with chocolates and it was received with what I interpret as reluctance. I do call her the same name I've always called her, "sweetie." She responds to it. I have no desire to cheat...I don't even think I could be with her sexually right now. I'm just trying to let God put me back together to resemble whatever He wants me to be. Yes, you're right it wasn't sudden, not completely. It built and I saw it, and tried to address it and caress it, but she never wanted that. That is part of my anger: it appears that she sabataged our marriage by refusing any maintenance at all...from me, family, friends, church, and certainly not professional counseling.

To ask her about her spiritual status would spark a flame that could shut down communication and I need all channels open for her to see me differently. I can't feed her reasons to further distance herself from me. She's told me that she commited her life to Christ. She even gave me location and general time frame. I believe her...but it's hard to see Christ in her right now. All I see is a stranger; a cold and uncaring, selfish stranger whom I love with all my heart. I can't verify that she's cheating. I've given that suspicion to God. I've resolved myself that it's irrelevant. If I pursue that it will paint my spirit with anger, distrust, resentment, and paranoia. It would interfere with God's rebuilding me into the person He wants me to be. If she's cheating, He will bring her back to me; if she's not cheating He will bring her back to me. The question is do I want her back if she is; the answer is, I married her for better or for worse and I love her completely regardless of what she's doing. I'm not a fool, only one who sees that his wife is not spiritually healthy right now. She's making decisions as one who has been deceived by the rulers of the darkness of this world and spiritual wickedness in high places.

That's why the prayer campaign is in effect. This is what was revealed to me by God that is necessary if I will ever get her back. Many don't believe in demonic spirits and the involvement of powers and principalities in blinding and deceiving children of God, but that's the entire reason Paul wrote Eph 6:1-11 to teach us how to deal with these militant forces of evil. The prayer team is waging war against the strongholds, for the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but are mighty in God for the pulling down of strongholds and that's what we've been doing. I've seen many strongholds disappear; including some that were on me. There has been a great change in her since we began this effort...from rude, mean, angry and ugly to peaceful, happy, and partially open (very partially), but it's enough to do what you said that I hadn't considered. I think it would be received now if I told her that I care how she's getting along away from home. That's a very good thing to say. But this is the last week of prayer...it will conclude 21 days of prayer and fasting in a battle against the spiritual forces involved in her activity. You're right, her reasons for departing are illogical. I've informed her of that with the same conclusions that you mentioned...another relationship. Only silence. All that can be sorted out when she comes back. I'm confident that God will bring her home. I'm not ready for the pain of the holidays, but here they come. She said that she would be her most of the day on Christmas and would help me with dinner, so we'll see how that goes. Again, thank you for checking in on me. Opening my email and seeing this helped me through these moments, which were not good at all. Blessings to you and your family this Christmas and New Year.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[J's Husband]

Thanks. You and your family also have a good Christmas.

Maybe we can talk after it sometime about what makes
you think God revealed this part to you as to prayer squads
and doing the Daniel Fast for 21 days. I do know personally
what it is like when the Almighty God gives us information...
such as to current events...danger...our calling for Him...when to
witness in odd places. Have had outright miracles by Him...healed
sight...blood tests...and more. It seems you have asked people to start
this nearly an hour a day of praying for your family...7 minutes...7 times a
day...some begin by eating no meat...mostly vegetables...and water...wine?
Well, I wonder how use are those people to praying to stick it out for 7 minutes for your needs. Me...cannot do the fasting part as need the iron
that comes easily absorbed from meat. Each person is to pray for your family
...marriage for one week...7 mintues...each...7 times a day...started 7 AM or such...not sure if that is as to each day, and you believe that God told you this is how your wife will come back...as in restore your marriage? What do you think God wants you to do when the 21 days are over? Me, personally, I would not be a part of squads you set up. It seems you are taking up time during the holidays in other persons' lives. How did you get them to agree to this?
Have never heard of anything like prayer squads or such where everybody
is to pray at set times for so many days. You have asked us on the board to
join for the final week...or just pray some when we can. You have given counsel to others as a pastor? What did you tell them? Did you suggest asking people to be on their prayer squads for so many days and fast?
You have to do what you believe is right. Just curious. How often do you
think God revealed something to you that was outright from Him and how
much time are you spending on your knees seeking His guidance in this
situation? You are inline for head pastor at another church, yet to me this
is when a couple...not just the husband is ready to lead a congregation. Seems that you would need to work as a team. Both of you are not even there
for each other. How can you lead others...as in shepherd a flock? Not
trying to judge you in any way, just trying to learn. Maybe this setting times
and such is what a lot of Christians do with other people joining them in prayer. Just a tidbit to add...was raised going to a Methodist church....then
started going to a Baptist church at fourteen...born-again at fifteen...many many years ago. Will pray that God helps you and wife draw closer to each
other and get back that spark that first caused you to set your eyes on each
other 22 years ago.

Vinsight4u,
I do appreciate your correspondence. I appreciate your inquisitive nature as well. As to the knowing whether or now God directed me to organize a force of prayer warriors, I am His sheep, I know His voice, and I follow Him. I have been walking with the Lord for 34 years as a committed Christian, and have been in the church all my life. Though I was raised Baptist, I have worshiped in many denominational churches as well as nondenominational ones as well. God speaks to us personally and in ways that we can receive, otherwise we won't hear Him and certainly won't obey. He would never tell you to do what He's told me to do, you wouldn't receive it. You're even having a difficult time believing that He told me. I'm a military man, I understand warfare and military strategy, and so does God. Many people who are not familiar with war, are not even open to accepting that Satan attacks or that he operates through a military hierarchy. Yet he does. Remember, the first war was fought in heaven. Satan organized an army right under God's nose and attempted a coupe to overthrow God; do you really think that he changed his operations? No, he is a warrior and he sends his emissaries out based on the situation and has strategies against God and His kingdom through out this world, just as God has one to rescue people from his grasp.

I began by doing what all Christians should do; praying for understanding, strength, reconciliation, etc. I asked God why wasn't He doing anything? Why was He allowing this to happen to me, my wife, my family, my mininstry, etc.? He was working though...I just didn't see it or feel it. He was protecting my children, and comforting me, and doing other things that He didn't reveal to me, I just know Him. He told me that my prayers alone are insufficient for this situation. This kind can only come by prayer and fasting. So I began to pray and fast. After a couple days of praying and being on a total fast, I was able to hear what the Lord wanted me to do. See, I thought that the praying and fasting was for answers, and it was, but it wasn't for the answers to my initial prayers for reconciliation, for waking my wife up so that she can see the damage, etc.; it was so that I could hear His voice through the pain and the noise of it. After I was in a position to hear what the Spirit was saying to me, He told me that this is warfare and calls for an organized force of prayer if the strongholds would be removed or if my prayers would be effective.

Note, this is what He told me, for this situation, He may have told someone else something intirely different for theres. We rarely understand what God is preparing us for because we don't know the future, but He always lead us to do one thing to prepare us for another, while our obediance always brings about His desire for the Kingdom. If our request is in line with His kingdom purpose, then we can be confident that our efforts will be fruitful on His time schedule.

The strategy that I only gave you a overview of is what God gave me for this spiritual prayer campaign against the strongholds that are at play in this ordeal. The holiday season is the season these wicked spiritual forces chose to attack because of the peripheral damage that it could cause. It's like a suicide bomber choosing Walmart on Black Friday, it's a tactical decision meant to exacerbate the harm that naturally comes with marital separation. Think about it, this is the time of year that families come together, this is that time of the year when there's joy, laughter, happiness, family bonding, united worship and thanks to God, optomistic outlooks and planning for the future, commitments for self and family improvements, etc. To choose this timing was not a strategy devised by my wife, it was from the forces that have plotted the destruction of me, my wife, our family, the ministry, God's plans for our lives, my wife's reputation; it is a tactic that brought devision, sadness, anger, frustration, bitterness, lonliness, hopelessness, helplessness, confusion, uncertainty, etc. to me and our children.

You must consider the source of influence for this decision. My wife was not in danger, I've never so much as thought about harming her; she was being loved. She was not in a situation that women are in when they decide that they will leave their children behind and move forward pursuing their own lives...if so, I would understand, but she would have taken the kids; but she was not and thus, if thinking with a clear mind uninfluenced by deceiving spirits, she would have waited until the holidays were over. New Year's day is the day for new beginnings, after all. That would have been a natural option with very little perpheral damage; definitely not as damaging as the timing of this decision has been.

Yet, we're here, and God has shown me that she's under demonic influences and that there are strongholds at play, and she's not healthy in her thoughts, and that she's being used by the enemy in an attack against me and my ministry; she and the kids are collateral damage, he hates them too. Let me digress: we must never forget that Satan is the ruler of this earthly world and is completely evil, roams about the earth seeking whom he may devour, and comes only to kill, still, and destroy. Back to my explanation: this time period is man made, that's why God told us not to let anyone judge us when it comes to holy days (holidays). Satan uses them to destroy man, and God uses them to bless man. So people praying for my family instead of being with there's is not something God considers a priority. Just as Jesus didn't consider sleep a priority when He scolded Peter, James, and John for not praying with him for one hour.

I prayed for God to guide me in my selection of people for each squad and He did, so of course they were all eager to do it except one for health reasons, and one group who I, in my natural mind, thought would be ideal because they were a prayer warrior group, however they had their own ideas about women's roles in praying for men and I couldn't use them in the capacity that God gave me for squad members; so they're praying for my wife throughout this period of prayer. God sent me to people who love me, who love my family, people who know my calling and are familiar with spiritual warfare. All have been very supportive and consider it an honor to be recruited for this effort. That's confirmation to me that God has sent me to them...they receive, and they receive joyfully. One couple has never stopped since the first squad began, and they are a couple that I've counseled.

The strategy of 7s is not a big request and that's been proven by the willingness of people to do it. The requirement of 49 minutes of prayer per/day is not much prayer in light of Jesus's statement that men ought always pray, and Paul's urging to pray without ceasing. Some testimonies that I have received from couples involved in this, is that it has strengthened their marriage; others have testified that it's been a growing experience; some have said that it was needed for them in their own marriage. As I said above, we rarely know what God's preparing us for, we also don't know how He blesses others by using them to bless us. We truly see through a glass darkly.

Regarding my wife coming back to me as a result of this prayer campaign. God has shown me that my wife will return to me. He has not told me when. When I began I was certain that this would result in my wife's return, and that it would be within 21 days. Well God has informed me that He loves my wife too and that she's in trouble. This campaign is not to restore my wife to me, but to restore her to Him. The strongholds must be torn down for that to ever happen. I've come to grips with thoughts of her not returning to me; and I'm OK with that, as long as she returns to Him; that is what our children need to see...their mother walking with God. I do believe that she will return to me, thus after the 21 days I'll continue in prayer for reconciliation and restoration of my relationship and will continue to serve my God and glorify His name for her pending deliverance. I'll simple make sure my world revolves around Him and His word, really, nothing else matters; and all that does will fall into place. Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all else will be added.

Regarding pastoring. God's word (1 Tim 3, Titus 1, Eph 6:4) tells that a pastor should be husband of one wife ( (that is: a one woman man; devoted to his wife), I am certainly that. He must rule his house well (Done...that's why she wouldn't hesitate to leave the home intact while she departed in search of whatever); He must be blameless as one entrusted with God’s work, not arrogant, not prone to anger, not a drunkard, not violent, not greedy for gain, hospitable, a lover of good, self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined. He must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it; and the list goes on. My situation does not disqualify me as a Senior Pastor, while I'm far from perfect, anyone who knows me will testify to my not being in violation of any of the above. In fact, it's God's calling, His placement, and I will or will not take that position based on His appointing. Man simply makes manifest God's choice when it comes to pastors. God calls men to pastor, not couples. The qualifications of a pastor are all character based for the man considering that office and something to use as a guide for those evaluating him for that position.

I know this is a long response, but you asked a lot of questions and I wanted to give you an answer to them in this forum so that all who read your questions can also read my answers. This is also a therapuetic exercise for me as I grow closer to the image of Christ and further from self. Although I am not opposed to speaking with you after this is all said and done, I don't know your gender and would not agree to that without that knowledge. Again, thank you for your questions and for your concern. Please keep me and my family in your prayers.