Why won't God just kill me?

[jess9450]

It sounds to me like you're blaming yourself for your girlfriend cheating on you, when it was HER FAULT for having an affair. Until you can realize and understand this, you won't be able to move on from this girl and will continue to obsess over your failed relationship.

Praying for you!

 

[muaddib87]

I don't know anymore. I'm (hopefully) at my lowest point of my life. I'm stuck at my parents house, which was never a great place for me. I unluckily do not have a very close relationship with anyone in my family, I feel a lack of connection to them. I'm extremely lonely and I have entirely too much time on my hands. It's like that nightmare where you come home to visit your family for the holidays, except it lasts for months. There aren't really any friends here; some people I went to High School with, but we have fallen out of contact and its awkward. We'll be honest, it's just an excuse I have no desire to leave my room.

I feel as if I have failed in every aspect of my life, and I have no way to fix it. I lost the one place I actually felt at home. All of this is far too much to bare. I don't think I can handle it much longer. I just have no hope, no real connection to anywhere/one, nothing .

 

[audiologic]

Yeah, I didn't think I could handle it much longer either. Sometimes a complete revision (or reformation, if you will) is needed.

 

[Tirgithin]

If you have hit your lowest point, it can only improve. Try to take baby steps to recovery. Try to frame your thoughts a bit more positive, or neutral at least. Instead of dreading being back home, see it as something inconvenient but not all that bad, because you have a (decent) place to stay.

If you feel like you need to do something, you could go to the library, get books to read, work out, or volunteer (especially with volunteering they always need people).

Other than that, seek help, support. Someone who can help sort through what needs to be done and what the priorities are for you. Or simply someone who is there to listen and let's you know someone cares. And remember that you are the only one who can truly make yourself better. Someone can say to you "From now on, you will get up and feel motivated and good about yourself!" or give you instructions how to get to that point, but you will be the one who has to make it so.

Obviously I take a more self-empowering approach. I couldn't have done it without re-connecting with God...at first I made the mistake of thinking "I'm miserable and my prayers aren't being answered; there is no God or purpose for me." Then I realized, years later, that being made in His image took on a whole new meaning. Did I have omniscience, omnipotence, perfection? Absolutely not. But did I have choice and control over my own life direction, how I felt, what I decided, what I could accomplish? Absolutely. We're still subject to God's Will, but WE choose whether to take a swig of the bottle, punch someone in the face, lie to our spouse, cheat our way through society. However hard it may be to overcome certain temptations and battles, when we discover that God has instilled choice within us, we can.

This realization is how I began to heal. There's something to be said for prayer to be sure - but if we spend all our time praying and none of our time holding ourselves accountable, it will fail. I actually got very angry at God one day and got up off my knees, saying "I'll do this myself." Then it happened...I realized the answer to my prayers was realizing that He wasn't always so far away. He was in me, working His wonders. I began to spiritually arm myself over time and overcame my self-hate and helplessness. Until you love yourself, you will feel unlovable. And until you love yourself, it's VERY hard (some say impossible) to love others.

Well written I would give you my Toffifee, but I ate it all, except for one.

 

[audiologic]

If you have hit your lowest point, it can only improve. Try to take baby steps to recovery. Try to frame your thoughts a bit more positive, or neutral at least. Instead of dreading being back home, see it as something inconvenient but not all that bad, because you have a (decent) place to stay.

If you feel like you need to do something, you could go to the library, get books to read, work out, or volunteer (especially with volunteering they always need people).

Other than that, seek help, support. Someone who can help sort through what needs to be done and what the priorities are for you. Or simply someone who is there to listen and let's you know someone cares. And remember that you are the only one who can truly make yourself better. Someone can say to you "From now on, you will get up and feel motivated and good about yourself!" or give you instructions how to get to that point, but you will be the one who has to make it so.

Well written I would give you my Toffifee, but I ate it all, except for one.

Support for sure! We're meant to be social - it's often detrimental to stay holed up all day. There's something to be said for reflection and introspection, for communicating with God one-on-one, but there's a difference between that and depressive isolation.

And thanks! I'll just go get some Toffifee and pretend it's from you!

 

[GreatSpeckledBird]

i wonder everydya why god doesnt kill me, i have come to the conclusion he gets more pleasure having me alive and watching me suffer than killing me and having me in heaven and happy. i know deep down, even if i buy a gun and shoot myself at my psychologists' office, he will find a way to keep me alive as a vegetable, kind of as a way of added punishment for trying to escape his hell life in the first place.

This life can and often does seem like torture, specifically for those of us who suffer emotionally and/or mentally. It's the worst kind of suffering I think. We have to understand that God isn't out to harm us or hurt us in anyway. What we're in is a fallen world and there's a great war commencing and we're born into it! Things must work out the way they must work out according to God's purposes in bringing many sons to glory.

Millions of people have suffered in this world, some for the Kingdoms sake, many not. The basis of this life is tragic, painful and scary when you really know what suffering is. When once you start to "see" the Kingdom of God and the spiritual war you begin to understand what we have need of is patience & endurance. We must kick the whine out of ourselves (though i'm severely tempted too) and understand that we have a duty, a call, to do something for God's Kingdom. Where is your post? Where are you now? You have to be obedient to His Word there. I believe the most valuable, gentle, sensitive Christians are the most tormented because they're so sensitive to the pain in the world.

Take the suffering to HIM at each moment. I figured out if I start praising Jesus the dark spirits that torment me flee. They hate hearing about Jesus so that's how I fight depression. I do believe it's spiritual oppression most likely caused by either unknown sin in me or a deep resolve to serve the Lord and deep devotion to Him. I believe Paul's thorn in the flesh was something like this and that God can keep us by His power when we put it all over onto Him.

I know how painful it is, trust me. I'm pressured beyond measure all day long everyday, and my heart feels like it will burst from needing love yet seeing all the ugliness & wickedness in everyone, it's almost unbearable. It actually is but for God's grace I couldn't bear it. Please take it to him. Let Him help you one day at a time. This too shall pass and we'll be with Jesus for eternity, we'll be comforted like Lazarus if we keep our faith. Don't let your love for others wax cold either, though no one may love you, we must love others. God is love. Ask Him to send angels to minister to you. Ask Him to fill your heart with peace, grace and love. Receive everything you need from Him. Ask and it shall be given unto you.

I'm so grateful I found these boards. I've already read some amazing posts & there's some authentic tender wonderful Christians here. You should hang around here as much as possible. We must have fellowship with other Christians or we won't be able to endure. You write to me anytime, pm or email. I'll be happy to talk to you 24/7. God bless.

 

[redeemedbygrace24]

There's love for you, don't give up

 

[Thunder Peel]

I was in a similar situation to yours several years ago. I fell in love and suddenly she dumped me without any warning and started dating someone else. I was beyond devastated and blamed myself. I did everything I could to love her and be faithful and yet she just threw it all away for someone else. I gave up on finding love and just assumed God was punishing me for something. At the time it seemed to be the only reasonable thought I could come up with. I also lost an amazing job around this time too and it was a double-whammy that hurt me terribly.

A year later I met another woman and now we're married; I also began working for a local church doing something that I really loved. It was a true miracle from the Lord and certainly something I never would have expected. There are things about my wife that I appreciate simply because I know what it's like to be with someone who doesn't have those amazing and Godly traits. I know you're at a point where hope seems far off and you may not want to hear (or believe) that there's hope for you and that's okay. The healing process can take a long time. Just know that I've been exactly where you are and DOES get better. So much better.

 

[Tirgithin]

How are you doing muaddib87? If you need to vent or feel like getting some support, we're here

 

[Dani K]

It is always a problem when we put our self worth and happiness into the hand of man. ( or women in this case )

It never ends well.

In order to find happiness you must seek out what you like to do or what interests you. Looking for your happiness in another will always fall short. Once you can build your self esteem yourself you will be a worthy partner for someone.

Get out of that room and spend your time trying to work and explore your interests

 

[Dani K]

When you say... God just kill me. You are stating that like it would be some bad ending.

Death is not bad. Death is a new beginning. That would be the easy way out and your task is still not done.

 

[kelvinsayhi]

Sozdins I have the same kind of feeling as you. I have been complaining about the bad situations in my lives for a month. I just ask God to kill me and complain about him sitting in his throne eating pop-corn watching me suffer. After so many years begging for his mercy, I still got physical and mental illnesses troubling me hurting my feelings to the bone, and the situation sometimes get worsened. Don't know what to do. but deep down I know I still need to cling on him. I think you know he is your only savior too, don't you?

 

[Josh Brand]

I really do feel for this man. I have been reading intently and can strongly relate to how this poor man feels. Especially right now. I have experienced betrayal early, a seemingly never ending kind. My first love, second love, and the final love...well I betrayed myself. I have been struggling with depression since I was 16, I am 26 now. It got worse after my second. I was in college and fell in love with a beautiful woman from Africa. I was first in all things. First love, first time (a horrible sin I regret profusely), and first chance of a future together. At the time I was studying to become a cardiothoracic surgeon, and she the same. We both had our issues, she struggled in her academics with her partying, and I struggles with getting our of my shell. But we both helped each other in great detail. I loved her immensely, she was sweet and kind. Family loved her, she was catholic (tried to point out that faith in God is only to Him, not through works or saints). But I never looked at her being inferior in that regard, just sharing my beliefs and she did hers. It all came crashing down when she got pregnant. She was terrified, afraid of what her family would think of her. Her solution was an abortion, I refused and told her that we both knew what would come from what we were doing. I want to have our child live and be loved. I stood beside her, promised her that I was hers, I would be a loving father and willing to do all I can to be there for her and the child. I got a ring and engaged her and started to work. I prayed for His guidance and forgiveness. As afraid as I was, I felt some joy, I loved the child when I first heard of the pregnancy. Unfortunately, a couple months later, she had a miscarriage. It devestated me. I couldn't think or react. Just came home from work and saw her in pain and blood on the sheets. I took her to the hospital, waited for her to fall asleep, returned and burned the sheets, I never cried as much as I did then. She changed after, unfazed it seemed of the loss. Kept saying it was a blessing. And it hurt terribly, but I tried to stay strong. I loved her. She started to be distant and eventually cheated on me. I forgave her like a fool when she cried and told me. I just couldn't let her go. In the end, after three and a half years, she walked out, the ring left on the stand, just gone. She found another man. I was lost and gone. I prayed and heard nothing. I couldn't stay, or I would feel I would have done something drastic. I returned home to the family and found a psychiatrist and completely closed myself off to the world. I figured I deserved this. I sinned with her, took something pure and deserved to suffer for such a horrible sin. I stayed stuck in depression, and only prayed to God for forgiveness and just existed with the pain. It is what I deserved. I got back on smoking and just existed. But I didn't learn. I got a job in a restaurant, and I met a young woman I worked with. She has a rough past and at the time a rough present. Never met her father, home burnt down at young age, and now was engaged to an abusive man. She was hurting, and she saw I suppose through my indifferent quiet state that I was also. We slowly became friends. Shared our pain and helped each other as much as we could. She claimed to know God, but she held strong belief she was clairvoyant and could see spirits. I wanted to help this woman. So I decided to be by her side through all the hatred she had for fiance and her struggles at home. Share God to her and be supportive. I ignored myself and looked to help her. But as time went along, I fell in love and she had feelings for me as well. She tried sleeping with me, all the times I said no. She was beautiful and for some reason I was stupid enough to fall for her. I didn't want to hurt her. If she was found out cheating, she could be hurt or even killed. The guy was brutal to her. On the other side, it would have done nothing for her. I wanted God to be the purpose. But I knew I loved her and as we continued To Hang out, Both ADMITTED To Feelings With Each other and Enjoyed the times I was around her and her family. Felt better, even smiled more. I never acted on it simply because she was still engaged. I got her a gift for Christmas, an item I looked for 8 hours on ebay, a piece of the past she could only remember. She cried and wept when it was opened. I got to finally see her be real. After all this, and some tough love, she finally got away from this man. I pushed her away though...I didn't want her to be with someone that is not the best for her I kept telling myself. We split apart for 2 and a half years, she hated me for it. But found someone else. And she is now engaged to a very good man. I can't complain. She deserved a good man, and she deserves happiness. But no matter how much I tell myself this. I still feel the selfishness wishing it was me. That I didn't push her away. She doesn't know, but I never stopped thinking of her, not even now. I tried to rationalize, tried to say I I didn't love her, but they were all lies because I was scared to trust. My depression is much worse now. I feel stupid because I continued it foolishly. 26, college drop out, job I hate and nothing going anymore. I don't know where to go or what to do. I pray for death every night for the two hours I get of sleep. I can't get her out of my mind, though she is gone for good. I don't have a clue of what I want to do now. Except running again. To go somewhere away from the place I'm at. Like him, I too feel extremely selfish. I understand that the happiness felt with another is different. She found the perfect man for her and I can't help but not wish it was me. Now, I just wish I was no longer alive, sleep and then smoke the cancer. I feel nothing again except memories that hurt and the loss that never fades. I talk to God like a monologue. If any saw,would assume some crazy man just talking to himself. But I vent and beg and talk. Anything to hear Him. To see a reason that He keeps me alive. I feel no desire for the future,none at all. I only know how to give up it seems. To run. Now, I don't know what else to do except hope for Him to call me home. I'm sorry for the long account. It is just a desperate attempt. I feel wrong in being about me. I just don't know what else to do

 

[Jeshu]

I really do feel for this man. I have been reading intently and can strongly relate to how this poor man feels. Especially right now. I have experienced betrayal early, a seemingly never ending kind. My first love, second love, and the final love...well I betrayed myself. I have been struggling with depression since I was 16, I am 26 now. It got worse after my second. I was in college and fell in love with a beautiful woman from Africa. I was first in all things. First love, first time (a horrible sin I regret profusely), and first chance of a future together. At the time I was studying to become a cardiothoracic surgeon, and she the same. We both had our issues, she struggled in her academics with her partying, and I struggles with getting our of my shell. But we both helped each other in great detail. I loved her immensely, she was sweet and kind. Family loved her, she was catholic (tried to point out that faith in God is only to Him, not through works or saints). But I never looked at her being inferior in that regard, just sharing my beliefs and she did hers. It all came crashing down when she got pregnant. She was terrified, afraid of what her family would think of her. Her solution was an abortion, I refused and told her that we both knew what would come from what we were doing. I want to have our child live and be loved. I stood beside her, promised her that I was hers, I would be a loving father and willing to do all I can to be there for her and the child. I got a ring and engaged her and started to work. I prayed for His guidance and forgiveness. As afraid as I was, I felt some joy, I loved the child when I first heard of the pregnancy. Unfortunately, a couple months later, she had a miscarriage. It devestated me. I couldn't think or react. Just came home from work and saw her in pain and blood on the sheets. I took her to the hospital, waited for her to fall asleep, returned and burned the sheets, I never cried as much as I did then. She changed after, unfazed it seemed of the loss. Kept saying it was a blessing. And it hurt terribly, but I tried to stay strong. I loved her. She started to be distant and eventually cheated on me. I forgave her like a fool when she cried and told me. I just couldn't let her go. In the end, after three and a half years, she walked out, the ring left on the stand, just gone. She found another man. I was lost and gone. I prayed and heard nothing. I couldn't stay, or I would feel I would have done something drastic. I returned home to the family and found a psychiatrist and completely closed myself off to the world. I figured I deserved this. I sinned with her, took something pure and deserved to suffer for such a horrible sin. I stayed stuck in depression, and only prayed to God for forgiveness and just existed with the pain. It is what I deserved. I got back on smoking and just existed. But I didn't learn. I got a job in a restaurant, and I met a young woman I worked with. She has a rough past and at the time a rough present. Never met her father, home burnt down at young age, and now was engaged to an abusive man. She was hurting, and she saw I suppose through my indifferent quiet state that I was also. We slowly became friends. Shared our pain and helped each other as much as we could. She claimed to know God, but she held strong belief she was clairvoyant and could see spirits. I wanted to help this woman. So I decided to be by her side through all the hatred she had for fiance and her struggles at home. Share God to her and be supportive. I ignored myself and looked to help her. But as time went along, I fell in love and she had feelings for me as well. She tried sleeping with me, all the times I said no. She was beautiful and for some reason I was stupid enough to fall for her. I didn't want to hurt her. If she was found out cheating, she could be hurt or even killed. The guy was brutal to her. On the other side, it would have done nothing for her. I wanted God to be the purpose. But I knew I loved her and as we continued To Hang out, Both ADMITTED To Feelings With Each other and Enjoyed the times I was around her and her family. Felt better, even smiled more. I never acted on it simply because she was still engaged. I got her a gift for Christmas, an item I looked for 8 hours on ebay, a piece of the past she could only remember. She cried and wept when it was opened. I got to finally see her be real. After all this, and some tough love, she finally got away from this man. I pushed her away though...I didn't want her to be with someone that is not the best for her I kept telling myself. We split apart for 2 and a half years, she hated me for it. But found someone else. And she is now engaged to a very good man. I can't complain. She deserved a good man, and she deserves happiness. But no matter how much I tell myself this. I still feel the selfishness wishing it was me. That I didn't push her away. She doesn't know, but I never stopped thinking of her, not even now. I tried to rationalize, tried to say I I didn't love her, but they were all lies because I was scared to trust. My depression is much worse now. I feel stupid because I continued it foolishly. 26, college drop out, job I hate and nothing going anymore. I don't know where to go or what to do. I pray for death every night for the two hours I get of sleep. I can't get her out of my mind, though she is gone for good. I don't have a clue of what I want to do now. Except running again. To go somewhere away from the place I'm at. Like him, I too feel extremely selfish. I understand that the happiness felt with another is different. She found the perfect man for her and I can't help but not wish it was me. Now, I just wish I was no longer alive, sleep and then smoke the cancer. I feel nothing again except memories that hurt and the loss that never fades. I talk to God like a monologue. If any saw,would assume some crazy man just talking to himself. But I vent and beg and talk. Anything to hear Him. To see a reason that He keeps me alive. I feel no desire for the future,none at all. I only know how to give up it seems. To run. Now, I don't know what else to do except hope for Him to call me home. I'm sorry for the long account. It is just a desperate attempt. I feel wrong in being about me. I just don't know what else to do

Hi Josh, a sad story, much pain, love's betrayal and many lies. No wonder you are hurting dear brother much has gone wrong in your life. Someone explained to much once that each love that walks away takes a piece of our heart with it, this sure seems to be the case with you.

However as bad as everything seems to be, as good as Christ can make this turn out for you. Jesus has the power to heal you from your pain and bring you a future again.

The trick is to hand Jesus your pain and thank Him for loving you enough to overcome the sadness of it - do this in faith for as long as it takes - and seeing your pain is deep - it may well take a bit.

The love of Christ is far better than the love of a woman, and the best part is He is completely faithful even when we struggle to be or even when we have failed to be. God's love is the kind of love you need and are looking for.

It has to do with focus, if you focus on yourself or a women, or your future or your past or the present then you will not make it and the pain will continue, however if you look at Christ and His unfailing love then you will heal and get back on your feet again.

Please remember that is not repenting in anguish that saves you from your sin but believing that Jesus paid for your sin and has good life awaiting you. Use the bible to let Jesus talk to you, know that only when we read it in love can we understand it and does it speak true, please read it each time you seek communion with God and let it cut you in two bad life (the goats in you) and good life (the sheep in you). With Him bad life perishes and good life stays forever.

Do visit us here on the depression forums and exercise your faith with us here I think you will find it a pleasant surprise, some very loving and highly experienced people when it comes to overcoming depression visit us regularly on these forums. Be of very good courage.

Much love brother.

Please use this Psalm to find the wicked in your heart and mind and let God's loving truth comfort you.

Psalms 56

Be merciful to me, my God,
for my enemies are in hot pursuit;
all day long they press their attack.
My adversaries pursue me all day long;
in their pride many are attacking me.


When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise—
in God I trust and am not afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?


All day long they twist my words;
all their schemes are for my ruin.
They conspire, they lurk,
they watch my steps,
hoping to take my life.
Because of their wickedness do not let them escape;
in your anger, God, bring the nations down.


Record my misery;
list my tears on your scroll—
are they not in your record?
Then my enemies will turn back
when I call for help.
By this I will know that God is for me.


In God, whose word I praise,
in the Lord, whose word I praise—
in God I trust and am not afraid.
What can man do to me?


I am under vows to you, my God;
I will present my thank offerings to you.
For you have delivered me from death
and my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before God
in the light of life.

 

[Josh Brand]

Thank you Jeshu and God bless you. I know my demons well: jealousy, envy, rage, weak spirit. I kept them all, and it brought nothing. It may seem a weak attempt of healing, but the only words I can tell myself is if she were to smile at me with the happiness she has now, I would smile back for her. To think that my time with her wasn't a waste and in any endeavor to hurt her. I actually cared with a purpose, despite the outcome I saw and seen. Despite all the bad that I did in pushing her away, I did some good in her life, even if she doesn't remember it or care to. All your words are right and true, my demons hound me and follow me. I call for escape hoping they will just be gone. It is a lot harder then I hoped. Especially when my selfishness comes, wondering what do I deserve? I guess I see her happiness now and just wish I had that. Her story would have been a great read. Coming from strife, struggle, and adversity to the happy beginning. I just fooled myself in thinking I could be a hero in that. To gain happiness with her. Bring God to her. But I would not want to ruin her story. I don't keep contact because she deserves this happy beginning. The selfish side just wants the same. That side I just can't seem to get rid of, it sticks and ebbs in me and fights no matter how much I call. It just seemed so long since I was happy, don't even remember. But if someone got some gain from my existence, even a little. I will try to keep going and calling for Him. He is the one part of me that never died.

 

[Josh Brand]

Thank you again for your kind words sir.

 

[Jeshu]

Thank you Jeshu and God bless you. I know my demons well: jealousy, envy, rage, weak spirit. I kept them all, and it brought nothing. It may seem a weak attempt of healing, but the only words I can tell myself is if she were to smile at me with the happiness she has now, I would smile back for her. To think that my time with her wasn't a waste and in any endeavor to hurt her. I actually cared with a purpose, despite the outcome I saw and seen. Despite all the bad that I did in pushing her away, I did some good in her life, even if she doesn't remember it or care to. All your words are right and true, my demons hound me and follow me. I call for escape hoping they will just be gone. It is a lot harder then I hoped. Especially when my selfishness comes, wondering what do I deserve? I guess I see her happiness now and just wish I had that. Her story would have been a great read. Coming from strife, struggle, and adversity to the happy beginning. I just fooled myself in thinking I could be a hero in that. To gain happiness with her. Bring God to her. But I would not want to ruin her story. I don't keep contact because she deserves this happy beginning. The selfish side just wants the same. That side I just can't seem to get rid of, it sticks and ebbs in me and fights no matter how much I call. It just seemed so long since I was happy, don't even remember. But if someone got some gain from my existence, even a little. I will try to keep going and calling for Him. He is the one part of me that never died.

Thank you again for your kind words sir.

Please understand that demons have life in lies and that albeit this has all really happened to you the way you are dealing with the pain isn't true, possibly because you forget to look at Jesus in all this.

Col 3:1-17
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.


Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.


Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

 

[Josh Brand]

Very true, I cannot disagree. I get lost with myself, I'm used to hating myself. Never got around to hoping any netter after a while. But those verses were perfect. I can relate to all of them

 

[Press On]

I really do feel for this man. I have been reading intently and can strongly relate to how this poor man feels. Especially right now. I have experienced betrayal early, a seemingly never ending kind. My first love, second love, and the final love...well I betrayed myself. I have been struggling with depression since I was 16, I am 26 now. It got worse after my second. I was in college and fell in love with a beautiful woman from Africa. I was first in all things. First love, first time (a horrible sin I regret profusely), and first chance of a future together. At the time I was studying to become a cardiothoracic surgeon, and she the same. We both had our issues, she struggled in her academics with her partying, and I struggles with getting our of my shell. But we both helped each other in great detail. I loved her immensely, she was sweet and kind. Family loved her, she was catholic (tried to point out that faith in God is only to Him, not through works or saints). But I never looked at her being inferior in that regard, just sharing my beliefs and she did hers. It all came crashing down when she got pregnant. She was terrified, afraid of what her family would think of her. Her solution was an abortion, I refused and told her that we both knew what would come from what we were doing. I want to have our child live and be loved. I stood beside her, promised her that I was hers, I would be a loving father and willing to do all I can to be there for her and the child. I got a ring and engaged her and started to work. I prayed for His guidance and forgiveness. As afraid as I was, I felt some joy, I loved the child when I first heard of the pregnancy. Unfortunately, a couple months later, she had a miscarriage. It devestated me. I couldn't think or react. Just came home from work and saw her in pain and blood on the sheets. I took her to the hospital, waited for her to fall asleep, returned and burned the sheets, I never cried as much as I did then. She changed after, unfazed it seemed of the loss. Kept saying it was a blessing. And it hurt terribly, but I tried to stay strong. I loved her. She started to be distant and eventually cheated on me. I forgave her like a fool when she cried and told me. I just couldn't let her go. In the end, after three and a half years, she walked out, the ring left on the stand, just gone. She found another man. I was lost and gone. I prayed and heard nothing. I couldn't stay, or I would feel I would have done something drastic. I returned home to the family and found a psychiatrist and completely closed myself off to the world. I figured I deserved this. I sinned with her, took something pure and deserved to suffer for such a horrible sin. I stayed stuck in depression, and only prayed to God for forgiveness and just existed with the pain. It is what I deserved. I got back on smoking and just existed. But I didn't learn. I got a job in a restaurant, and I met a young woman I worked with. She has a rough past and at the time a rough present. Never met her father, home burnt down at young age, and now was engaged to an abusive man. She was hurting, and she saw I suppose through my indifferent quiet state that I was also. We slowly became friends. Shared our pain and helped each other as much as we could. She claimed to know God, but she held strong belief she was clairvoyant and could see spirits. I wanted to help this woman. So I decided to be by her side through all the hatred she had for fiance and her struggles at home. Share God to her and be supportive. I ignored myself and looked to help her. But as time went along, I fell in love and she had feelings for me as well. She tried sleeping with me, all the times I said no. She was beautiful and for some reason I was stupid enough to fall for her. I didn't want to hurt her. If she was found out cheating, she could be hurt or even killed. The guy was brutal to her. On the other side, it would have done nothing for her. I wanted God to be the purpose. But I knew I loved her and as we continued To Hang out, Both ADMITTED To Feelings With Each other and Enjoyed the times I was around her and her family. Felt better, even smiled more. I never acted on it simply because she was still engaged. I got her a gift for Christmas, an item I looked for 8 hours on ebay, a piece of the past she could only remember. She cried and wept when it was opened. I got to finally see her be real. After all this, and some tough love, she finally got away from this man. I pushed her away though...I didn't want her to be with someone that is not the best for her I kept telling myself. We split apart for 2 and a half years, she hated me for it. But found someone else. And she is now engaged to a very good man. I can't complain. She deserved a good man, and she deserves happiness. But no matter how much I tell myself this. I still feel the selfishness wishing it was me. That I didn't push her away. She doesn't know, but I never stopped thinking of her, not even now. I tried to rationalize, tried to say I I didn't love her, but they were all lies because I was scared to trust. My depression is much worse now. I feel stupid because I continued it foolishly. 26, college drop out, job I hate and nothing going anymore. I don't know where to go or what to do. I pray for death every night for the two hours I get of sleep. I can't get her out of my mind, though she is gone for good. I don't have a clue of what I want to do now. Except running again. To go somewhere away from the place I'm at. Like him, I too feel extremely selfish. I understand that the happiness felt with another is different. She found the perfect man for her and I can't help but not wish it was me. Now, I just wish I was no longer alive, sleep and then smoke the cancer. I feel nothing again except memories that hurt and the loss that never fades. I talk to God like a monologue. If any saw,would assume some crazy man just talking to himself. But I vent and beg and talk. Anything to hear Him. To see a reason that He keeps me alive. I feel no desire for the future,none at all. I only know how to give up it seems. To run. Now, I don't know what else to do except hope for Him to call me home. I'm sorry for the long account. It is just a desperate attempt. I feel wrong in being about me. I just don't know what else to do

Hi Josh,

My friend Jeshu has really spoken truth. I can't add much at this time but know I am praying for you and will not quit.

You are a good man who has made mistakes; still very redeemable!

Jeshu and I are regulars on the depression forum. We, along with a couple of other regulars, are older men who have very different experiences but are pretty straightforward and honest about what we have learned from our mistakes.

The "what are you feeling right now" thread is a long ongoing one that serves as a place where we all check in with each other nearly every day. The men and women regulars are good people who won't be judgemental but rather loving and supportive.

Please be a part of us if you are comfortable. We are a great sounding board. Blessings!

 

[Tempura]

Very true, I cannot disagree. I get lost with myself, I'm used to hating myself. Never got around to hoping any netter after a while. But those verses were perfect. I can relate to all of them

We might be alike. At least to some extent. Every time I was with a woman I loved, I lost her. Some cheated and left, some just didn't want to live with me anymore. And like you, I very much wanted to help them, because most of them were very troubled. As was I, but in a different way. I'm very much a co-dependent person (look it up. even though I don't like to put people into psychological boxes, that box is certainly mine), and I couldn't separate the line, I didn't know where they ended and where I began. So I lived through them. If they were happy, I was happy. If they had troubles, those troubles were mine. If they felt pain, I felt it too. And when they left, something inside me left too, and I was just a mess.

I couldn't stop thinking about them, thinking about what I had lost, or thinking about them with other men. I couldn't help it, I saw those "movies" in my head, even when I slept. I drank all the time, I started to abuse pills, I couldn't even keep my job anymore, I was doing everything (wrong) to make the pain stop. This lasted for many years. At some point it hurt so much that I was thinking I might have to kill myself because I couldn't take it anymore. But instead of praying for death, I prayed help.

I had been in many kinds of treatments, and I certainly don't want to say they were useless because they kept me alive, but that was a turning point for me when I was on the fence of death and just prayed for help. It was something conscious, I made a decision to hope. Even when I was there drunkenly crying without hope like a jackass, I made that decision deep inside, not even feeling it yet. I made a decision that I would like to live, and I also made the decision to cry out for God, to want to know Him better, to want to relieve myself of all this pain. Because it had to be God, nothing else would do it anymore. I'm not saying you're like this, but it's what I'm like: I had to lose everything I held dear to understand how much I needed God. To really search for Him. And I believe He carried me over those times. The pain and struggle still lasted, but one by one the pieces started to come together, and slowly I learned to let go. Right now, I'm nearing 40, and I don't have much. I don't have a wife, I don't have a job, I'm on a disability pension, I live alone in a crappy apartment, but I've never had more peace. Never.

And about letting go. The last woman I was with. I absolutely still love her to this day. When we broke up, I didn't break. I was down, but I didn't break. It was all new for me. Somehow I was able to let her go, even if I do miss her in a romantic way. We're still friends, which was not a possibility before. All the "let's be friends" talk always felt like an excuse for something and a lie before, and it probably was, but with this one it's reality. And I realized something: I could never really love those women before her. In a way I did, but I did it out of need, out of some possessive need that broke me when everything ended. I am better for having this experience.

You're used to hating yourself? So was I. I don't want to hate myself anymore. I did that for so long. Brother, if you need help, get it. I went through it all, the whole system. For a long time and many times. It's not the final answer, but it's help. Even when it doesn't work, you're still actively doing something about your situation, and sometimes we have to learn what doesn't work in order to know what will. Sometimes we just have to endure, and then build something better out of ourselves and our lives when we can.

There is so much hope, comfort and love in Jesus Christ that it's almost impossible to express with words. So lean on Him. You probably already do, but please stop praying for death. Our time will come when it comes. So pray for hope and love instead. Pray for guidance and patience. Oh! About patience. I had to learn it the hard way, which probably is the only way I can learn anything. But when we suffer, we're forced to learn it. It's a byproduct. And it's good for us, too: even when we can't FEEL God or His comfort and love, we decide to put our faith in Him still. It might be wavering and weak faith at times, but at least it's honest. You will get all of it in time.

I hope you feel a little better for getting all of that out. It's good to be honest, it's good to not hang on our burdens alone. Well done. Said a little prayer for you, brother.