@audiologic Wow I feel the same, at least your initial experience. My friend, I am extremely happy you were able to get over stuff to some degree. I'm heading down your path, except I'm far to weak and wimpy to turn to drugs.
How do you get over the sense of being unlovable, worthless, and over her. I miss her more and more every day.
I feel I need to apologize for everything I did. I wrote a letter apologizing for being needy and what not, I think I should mail it to her.
Keep in mind that the current view of yourself "far too weak and wimpy" - is not entirely accurate. We are all weak sometimes, yes, and "when I am weak then I am strong". However this doesn't mean that the aim is not to be strong as well.
"In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true is either true or becomes true, either experientially or experimentally." Dr. John C. Lilly. There's plenty of room for misinterpretation here - he wasn't saying "Nothing is really true; whatever you believe will cause it to be objectively so." At least, that's not what I gather. Essentially it's a matter of belief...whatever you believe or surround yourself in, your mind will drift towards that. If you surround yourself with hateful people, if you focus on hate, it will inevitably rub off on you. If everyone you know gets hammered every night, and you're spending all your time with them, and you get it in your head that it's ok, then yeah, you're going to fall into that - your belief being that "This is what I want, this is fun, this is acceptable", thus it becoming reality.
So the longer we hold a certain view point, the more we validate it. Someone becomes slightly depressed and begins to feel that they're worthless. The longer they focus on it, then they start to see it everywhere. You fail once, you focus on that, then you keep observing your failures - which not only adds up, it actually prompts MORE of them because you believe that's the only result you can get.
Even upon the realization that this was the case, I still followed the same pattern. I SORT of knew I had control over my frame of mind - but I still made the mistake of believing that I was enslaved to it. It was all a matter of fear. I was afraid that I would fail to change my perspective.
It's not a matter of thinking yourself out of it, really. It's also not a matter (in my opinion) of simply "thinking positive". A lot of times people replace negative thoughts with positive ones that are simply unrealistic. For instance a person might think "I didn't study, like always. I'm just going to fail this SAT like I fail every other test." Then the person tries to beat their feelings of failure by saying "I'll pass; I really don't feel that bad. I'm smart so I'm sure I'll do great!"
Well it's one thing to acknowledge your good qualities, but if you didn't study and you don't know the material you're still not going to pass. Reality is still sometimes painful and we have to deal with that. But in response, the person can either go home and further convince themselves that they're only going to continue to fail, or they can use it as inspiration to do better. In the latter case, they actually study next time, and it's very reasonable to assume they pass, beginning their descent out of the spiral.
It's not easy - nothing worth having ever is, in my opinion. If it were simple then it wouldn't feel like much of a reward. But just because it's not easy does not mean it's not worth it, and it doesn't mean that it's going to be a long, utterly dark, miserable, painful journey until you finally reach the bahamas. There will be SOME pain I'm sure, and it may be dark at times, but each time you come out of it (should you choose to learn and grow), you will be glad it happened. There is also plenty of beauty, peace, happiness, and other rewards along the way. The world's a dark place to be sure, and I don't think it's wise to hide from the truth, but fighting darkness and being consumed by it are two different things.
So there's no magic switch to flip, but it doesn't mean that resolution is not possible. I'm aware that you're spiritually minded - you KNOW that God is there. And despite how deeply buried it may be, you also know that hope and purpose for you do exist. I think that's why you're still alive. In my own experience, and the experience of many others, I found that the only way to truly find stability was to seek spiritual knowledge and find God again. A lot of people will try to define this for you, but that's what dampened me in the first place. I was trying to take in every account of other people's relationship with God without ever really finding out for myself. I went from listening to what everybody had to say to finding out what ACTUALLY worked and what didn't. A million people can tell you "This is how you should", but then again, if you go to a crack house, they're all going to tell you it's awesome. And if you're already a crackhead trying to get out, they're going to give you a million reasons to stay and why there's no where else for you.
That's another thing, I'm not sure what kind of people you're around. If they're equally unhappy, then chances are you should break some ties. It's painful but it's important. However strong we are, we tend to be influenced by our environment.
Obviously I take a more self-empowering approach. I couldn't have done it without re-connecting with God...at first I made the mistake of thinking "I'm miserable and my prayers aren't being answered; there is no God or purpose for me." Then I realized, years later, that being made in His image took on a whole new meaning. Did I have omniscience, omnipotence, perfection? Absolutely not. But did I have choice and control over my own life direction, how I felt, what I decided, what I could accomplish? Absolutely. We're still subject to God's Will, but WE choose whether to take a swig of the bottle, punch someone in the face, lie to our spouse, cheat our way through society. However hard it may be to overcome certain temptations and battles, when we discover that God has instilled choice within us, we can.
NOW, as for feeling worthless and unlovable...first of all, let me tell you that you are not. You've heard it from countless people, but from experience I know it often doesn't help. Worthlessness is not determined by another human being - nor is being unlovable. Even if she truly does think you're both (which I doubt), is she perfect? No. She is mistaken.
How I dealt with it...I was surrounded by loving people. I have a great family, and we're all very close, even though many of us have different opinions. I was also part of a small church with some good, solid people. Everyone did their best to help me. But I hated myself, and felt I deserved nothing less than a tragic story. Ultimately it was a matter of overcoming that, of realizing that I was not a slave to sin. I had a skewed perception of what sin really was - that it was this dark, unrelenting, unforgiving black hole I was forced to live in because I was human. Not the case. We will always fail at times, true, we are not Jesus. But it doesn't mean we're helpless; God has endured what He has to help us! It's sad that I've seen more Christians fall into heavy drug use - myself included - than atheists. There's many reasons for this, but I think one is that they often view themselves as more helpless due to sinful nature. Don't claim perfection, and CERTAINLY do not claim you are the All-Powerful, but don't assume you're doomed either.
This realization is how I began to heal. There's something to be said for prayer to be sure - but if we spend all our time praying and none of our time holding ourselves accountable, it will fail. I actually got very angry at God one day and got up off my knees, saying "I'll do this myself." Then it happened...I realized the answer to my prayers was realizing that He wasn't always so far away. He was in me, working His wonders. I began to spiritually arm myself over time and overcame my self-hate and helplessness. Until you love yourself, you will feel unlovable. And until you love yourself, it's VERY hard (some say impossible) to love others.
My direction is inspired by God. Still, I do not simply wait for signs - though I take them if they are there. I do what I know is right, what my convictions have taught me. But I stay moving with intent, make decisions, and follow through unless I get a SERIOUS transmission that "THIS IS A BAD IDEA!!!"
Finally, as far as getting over her, time is the healer. It's not the answer anyone wants to hear but it's true. There are some things you can do - talking with friends for one, writing music/poetry, art, going to concerts, camping...just getting out. Though I don't advise you wallow in a sea of self-pity (as I did), I think it's important to address the pain and accept it. Many try to run from it, or not think about it, or escape it. But "The Way Out is Through". Not around, not backwards, not under, not over. Step through and grow...write down how you feel. Be honest with yourself. Sometimes we have dark feelings that we should avoid, but I've found that pain = growth, if we push through it rather than bury it.
FYI apologizing is good if the other person is open, but in this case alot of times we're simply trying to come up with a reason to talk to them because we miss them, and it ends in heartache. If you feel genuinely prompted though, apology for past mistakes is definitely a respectable thing - and a good quality to have.
Hope this helps.
