Ok so I have been dating a minister, applying for pastoral positions at various churches, for about 8mts now. And things are just continually going down hill. We argue all the time and I just feel like he refuses to accept responsibility for his own actions and wants to blame me for everything. Now don't get me wrong I'm no angel and by no means perfect. I think things could work if we worked together. But he is so mean towards me. I feel our foundation is not a stable one. I just don't understand why he is in such a rush to get married. He has given marital counseling before and knows the dangers of rushing. So why does he do it. I don't want to break things off with him but I don't feel we are ready for engagement just yet. It almost seems like he refused to try to move forward because I wont agree with him that we are ready.
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Why the rush?
- Thread starter lenaj
- Start date
Well, if you're not sleeping with him, that explains everything. Lack of action will make a dude cranky, and he'll tend to do rash things in order to attain said action.
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FineLinen25
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Pray and ask GOD what HIS will is for you. If you are receptive to it, HE will give you the answer that is best for your life. Has he prayed over this yet?
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waxlion10
Just shut up and be delicious- Dwight
1. The label of "pastor" or "minister" doesn't make someone a well-grounded spiritual person. He may KNOW things in his head but not practice them. Be careful not to be deceived by his words; his actions show where his heart is.
2. See the bolded part above: please do not marry this man if you feel this way. If you disagree that you are ready for marriage and he is pressuring you, only bad things will come of it.
3. If I were you, I would seriously consider several things:
a) talking to a trusted female friend, preferably older and wiser
b) lots of thought, prayer, and reflection. Is this really what you want for your life? Is this man the best God has to offer you?
c) why don't you want to break up with him? what is keeping you in this relationship?
Hope all turns out well.
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Thank you ALL for your KIND words of wisdom. We were sexually active, but I felt overly convicted about it and I put a stop to it. Before, while, and after he was in a big hurry to get married. If you like you can look at the thread "Sex with a preacher". I stay because I do love him. However, I am starting to wonder if he loves me, or does he love that fact the I can "fit" into his plan for his life.
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explodingboy
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I'm really just trying to work out where the good part of the relationship is because from this thread and what I remember of sex with a preacher.. I don't get why your with him, or what positive quality it is about him that makes you want to stay with him.
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LuckyJules
They say I get distracted easi...oh look! A kitty!
Agreed!!
As someone who is divorced because of the above, PLEASE please please evaluate this entire situation before you continue -- especially before marriage.
My (ex)husband and I both were in the same mindset thinking that each of us would change for the other. We obviously didn't change, nor did we think that we needed to change for each other.
You deserve someone you think treats you with respect, and someone you respect back. I loved my ex-husband, but I also realized that he and I needed our separate ways. The two of us worked for as long as we could, but now that we are separated, we are both happier than we've ever been.
Use pros, cons and prayer. Best of luck.
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Luther073082
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In light of your previous it seems to indicate to me that he is interested in getting married quickly so that the two of you can have sex. Obviously if thats the only thing he's thinking about, in terms then that is bad.
Obviously you don't want to marry him unless you can get your relationship stablized.
However I'm wondering how long you've been dating him. In my opinion, after one year time (by itself) is not a good enough reason to keep waiting. I think one aught to be able to sort things out at that time.
However your reason for not getting married should be a stable realtionship and making sure he's thinking clearly about this.
Obviously you don't want to marry him unless you can get your relationship stablized.
However I'm wondering how long you've been dating him. In my opinion, after one year time (by itself) is not a good enough reason to keep waiting. I think one aught to be able to sort things out at that time.
However your reason for not getting married should be a stable realtionship and making sure he's thinking clearly about this.
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It's been 8mths. And I agree about a year is a good amount of time to know if this is the person you want to marry or not. So right now I have decided I can only do so much. I know relationships are work, but at some point you have to realize there isn't anything else you can do.
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Luther073082
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Well yes, your relationship just doesn't sound very healthy. I'm not sure its the best idea to stay in it.
To be honest I knew I wanted to marry my fiancee after 4 months. I asked her to marry me after 8 months.
Which really is nothing. With my parents they got engaged after 3 days. (Married 28 years btw)
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And he knew he wanted to marry me after 2 months. But like I said I don't see how he thinks that is a good idea.
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Luther073082
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While I don't feel that you need to explain why you love him.
I will say that I do have my fears that he is mistreating you.
My other thought is that I'm wondering if the two of you live together? Because if you do, then that might be why he's not getting any jobs as a pastor. No Lutheran church of any quality would employ a pastor living with a girlfriend.
And many pastors would refuse to marry someone who is living with their SO prior to the wedding.
I will say that I do have my fears that he is mistreating you.
My other thought is that I'm wondering if the two of you live together? Because if you do, then that might be why he's not getting any jobs as a pastor. No Lutheran church of any quality would employ a pastor living with a girlfriend.
And many pastors would refuse to marry someone who is living with their SO prior to the wedding.
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explodingboy
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Out of interest do you actually want to marry him? and this isn't about waiting a year or some set time but right of now, going on your experiences in your relationship so far and considering that how he acts now is likely to be how he will act even once married.
I'm seeing allot of posts about his opinion but not so much about your own feelings in the relationship.
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My other thought is that I'm wondering if the two of you live together?
No we do not live together.
Do I want to marry him???? With the way things have been going lately, no.
No we do not live together.
Do I want to marry him???? With the way things have been going lately, no.
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Luther073082
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lenaj, I think you need to end this relationship. I honestly don't see any reason why the relationship should continue.
You say "With the way things have been going lately, no" But when exactly do think things are gonna get better again?
I think you are just wasting your time with him.
You say "With the way things have been going lately, no" But when exactly do think things are gonna get better again?
I think you are just wasting your time with him.
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sanderse
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When I was in highschool, I started dating a guy. We wanted to marry each other after 6 months or so. We were together for 4 years. I wanted to marry him becasue I loved him adn I hated being away. He did not want to get married but wanted all the benefits of being married. We did not have sex, but we did go way to far. Our relationship for the last two years was terrible. We argued all the time. He tried to change me. I ended up loosing all of my confidence and my sister finally convienced me to just "take a break." I honestly thought that doing this would make him see how important i was to him and that he would change and we would end up together. Well he tried. He did everything he could to show me that he could change. But in the end I decided that he could never be the guy God wanted for me. It took a lot to give up four years of a relationship. I was scared and insecure. I had to competely change every plan that I had made for my life. i cried every day for months. In the end you walk out of it realizing that God is the one who makes the plan. i was not focusing on what God wanted for my life. In order to get my attention he took everything that I depended on except himself. I started going to church as much as I could and leaned on those few friends that I do have. I became myself again. I gained confidence. Last june i met a friend of my brother-in-law. We are still together and planning on getting married in about a year. But i am very cautious. We are sexually reserved and do not allow ourselves to be tempted. I now realize that what i thought was "puching through a difficult relationship" was dealing with one that was not made for me. Don't let yourself use "I know relationships are difficult" a a reason to just handle the pain. This situation sounds way too farmiliar. My suggestion is to "take a break." Do it for a few months. See how you feel in the end and let God speak to you in that time.
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