Why is Sex Such a Chore?

[Senkaku]

All we do is talk. Talking does nothing. She knows how I feel.

yes but is she being 100% raw and honest with you. it is clear that she knows how you feel but the question is, how does she feel. She may be afraid to tell you because she doesn't want to hurt you or something but until she is 100% raw and open with you, then you aren't having a conversation, she's just listening to you. It seems you are doing everything on your end to try an fix it but a relationship is a two way street, she needs to get over whatever she is dealing with and try to co-operate. if not, then I'm a bit more worried about where this could end up. a little hurt now is better than much pain later.

 

[Xavier Cane]

So many possibilities then.... depression...side effect of some med she is on...an unhealthy believe in sex...or as you suggested, an emotional affair so she is not available to you. I do think you need to go to marriage counseling, even if it is just you alone for a while and talk out the specifics.

I am sorry. I does sound like you are trying. However, it does remain part of your responsibility to find a way to not let the love die because it is so much harder to come back from. Maybe start keeping a journal of the things you definitely love about her (not the bad things) just so you have something to look at on the bad days while you work on this. Remember that you are the model that your children will base their beliefs on what a godly husband looks like. You don't want to model giving up when the going gets tough..which does not mean to minimize that the going does sound tough right now.

All I know is that I’m just tired. I just want her to want me and show it. That’s all. But with each day, I feel less and less love for her. I’d rather raise the kids separate. Yes I need to be a good example and stay in the fight, but I also need to teach them to pick their battles. This is a fight I have fought for long enough, and I am no longer fighting it, I just give up. It’s not worth it. Besides, marriage is so overrated. The only real devastation would be the kids, which is why I am still involved with her anyway – Trying to obey the Lord, and love her in spite of how I feel. But that doesn’t mean that I have to desire her anymore, because I do less and less. I only want sex from her because it is easier and better than cheating.

Yes, this is terrible, but it’s the truth.

 

[Xavier Cane]

yes but is she being 100% raw and honest with you. it is clear that she knows how you feel but the question is, how does she feel. She may be afraid to tell you because she doesn't want to hurt you or something but until she is 100% raw and open with you, then you aren't having a conversation, she's just listening to you. It seems you are doing everything on your end to try an fix it but a relationship is a two way street, she needs to get over whatever she is dealing with and try to co-operate. if not, then I'm a bit more worried about where this could end up. a little hurt now is better than much pain later.

Intimidation. She says she is intimidated by me sexually. We have been married for 13 years. I know how she feels, but I don't understand it, especially after so much time has gone by. It is truly frustrating. I spend so much time out of my day just wishing and hoping that maybe my wife would suprise me. It hurts, but I'll be okay.

 

[Senkaku]

hmm, intimidated? there must be a reason why, you are on the right track with that one. could it be that she may be intimidated that she may not please you or something else? you'll need to find the source of that, you'll find your answer there. Don't try to bash her or make her feel bad, just find out why. let her know you aren't judging her, you just want to understand how she feels.

 

[GandalfTheWise]

Thanks, that helps. I hope I get there. I enjoy leading, and I know I should initiate, but Damn, help a brother out. If that's just how she is, then its best to just be single, and raise our kids apart.

I'm sure other guys would be thrilled, but I'm not at all thrilled.

I had many sleepless frustrated nights and at times could not talk to my wife without feeling angry and hurt. But over many years of hanging in there, I've found the reward is that she's a comfortable and secure part of my life that I don't know what I'd do without. I've had issues with anxiety attacks (brought on by too much stress at work) and I've found that simply being with her helps a lot, even if I'm not feeling a lot toward her at the moment. I am annoyed that she's worn lingerie only once in the past 20 years (and she's still pretty hot looking in my opinion) and I cannot remember the last time she initiated anything. But she is responsive if I do, even more so over the years. Do I regret what I consider shortcomings on the sex side? Yes. At times, a lot. Did I ever think about giving up? I hit one spell where I seriously wondered what to do. (There was never any other woman involved for me.) During that time, a pastor I knew left his wife and the state for another woman, came to his senses a few weeks later, and set about the work of rebuilding his marriage. After seeing that, I decided that hanging in there was a lot more appealing than it had been. Do I regret sticking with her? No. Last year when her Dad died, she spent the last few days caring for him in the hospital. I saw a side of her I'd never seen before. She'd come out of his room, collapse on me crying for a few minutes, wipe her eyes and nose, and go back in to make him comfortable. She was like a dynamo in there rearranging blankets, talking, translating what he said for people (as his voice was getting weak), moving this and that every minute or so to keep him comfortable. And all of this on a couple hours of sleep. This tough, resolute, caring, and gentle soul is now there for me. The sex side does annoy me at times, but I can now put in the context of being a minor annoyance compared to what I've gained. On the plus side, she's frugal (and spends less money than me), active, healthy, pleasant, complements my strengths and weaknesses well, is a good mother, I could go on and on. But yeah, the not wearing lingerie when she'd look so good in it does bug me at times and I do regret all the memories that we don't have together with things like this.

I pretty much tried most of the stuff people've mentioned here and more. Never changed much for us. It just seems to be the way she's wired.

 

[Xavier Cane]

hmm, intimidated? there must be a reason why, you are on the right track with that one. could it be that she may be intimidated that she may not please you or something else? you'll need to find the source of that, you'll find your answer there. Don't try to bash her or make her feel bad, just find out why. let her know you aren't judging her, you just want to understand how she feels.

I found out about a year ago she was intimidated by me. So what I did was begin to tell her the things I like sexually (which she still doesn't do after many talks). Yes, she thinks that she does not please me. I"m not sure how many other ways I can show her and tell her that she does. Very timid and self-conscious. Not very confident in this area at all, but I've done all I know to do to help her, but nothing happens. She just continues to ask me for patience, and more patience, and more patience. My patience is gone. She doesn't know that, because if she did, it would only make her worse. The only reason she is not pleasing is because she makes no effort, and that is where my problem is. I work too damn hard trying to love her and support her for me to get in return a cooked meal.

I'll try to listen more though.

 

[Dave-W]

plus he never said she was denying him sex,

It would be ok even if she did.

 

[Xavier Cane]

I had many sleepless frustrated nights and at times could not talk to my wife without feeling angry and hurt. But over many years of hanging in there, I've found the reward is that she's a comfortable and secure part of my life that I don't know what I'd do without. I've had issues with anxiety attacks (brought on by too much stress at work) and I've found that simply being with her helps a lot, even if I'm not feeling a lot toward her at the moment. I am annoyed that she's worn lingerie only once in the past 20 years (and she's still pretty hot looking in my opinion) and I cannot remember the last time she initiated anything. But she is responsive if I do, even more so over the years. Do I regret what I consider shortcomings on the sex side? Yes. At times, a lot. Did I ever think about giving up? I hit one spell where I seriously wondered what to do. (There was never any other woman involved for me.) During that time, a pastor I knew left his wife and the state for another woman, came to his senses a few weeks later, and set about the work of rebuilding his marriage. After seeing that, I decided that hanging in there was a lot more appealing than it had been. Do I regret sticking with her? No. Last year when her Dad died, she spent the last few days caring for him in the hospital. I saw a side of her I'd never seen before. She'd come out of his room, collapse on me crying for a few minutes, wipe her eyes and nose, and go back in to make him comfortable. She was like a dynamo in there rearranging blankets, talking, translating what he said for people (as his voice was getting weak), moving this and that every minute or so to keep him comfortable. And all of this on a couple hours of sleep. This tough, resolute, caring, and gentle soul is now there for me. The sex side does annoy me at times, but I can now put in the context of being a minor annoyance compared to what I've gained. On the plus side, she's frugal (and spends less money than me), active, healthy, pleasant, complements my strengths and weaknesses well, is a good mother, I could go on and on. But yeah, the not wearing lingerie when she'd look so good in it does bug me at times and I do regret all the memories that we don't have together with things like this.

I pretty much tried most of the stuff people've mentioned here and more. Never changed much for us. It just seems to be the way she's wired.

Thanks for the booklet lol. Seriously though, thanks. I wish I was as strong a man as you.

 

[blackribbon]

All I know is that I’m just tired. I just want her to want me and show it. That’s all. But with each day, I feel less and less love for her. I’d rather raise the kids separate. Yes I need to be a good example and stay in the fight, but I also need to teach them to pick their battles. This is a fight I have fought for long enough, and I am no longer fighting it, I just give up. It’s not worth it. Besides, marriage is so overrated. The only real devastation would be the kids, which is why I am still involved with her anyway – Trying to obey the Lord, and love her in spite of how I feel. But that doesn’t mean that I have to desire her anymore, because I do less and less. I only want sex from her because it is easier and better than cheating.

Yes, this is terrible, but it’s the truth.

Hang in there a little bit longer. One day at a time. I will most definitely be praying for your family. I am so sorry that you feel this way. Marriage isn't supposed to be like this but our churches and community really forget to teach about the importance of good marital sex to keeping couples bound together emotionally. They are too busy teaching our youth to abstain and are almost afraid to tell the girls that it is a good thing to enjoy when they do find their prince charming.....

 

[Xavier Cane]

It would be ok even if she did.

No it wouldn't. I can't deal with "Christians like you" It's why I left the church. No wisdom, no sensitivity, and no understanding of how life is not identical to the bible. But anyway. you are wrong and unscriptural. The bible says not to withhold sex, but you say it is okay if she does. SMH. So hypothetically, if I said I didnt want to have children and went and got a vasectomy I guess that would not be between me and my wife, but between me and God, and that She has no other choice as a christian woman but to stay with me, even though I have just robbed her of a chance to have children if we stay married. - Thats okay with you though. Hey, do everything and expect nothing right? NO, get a clue.

 

[Senkaku]

I found out about a year ago she was intimidated by me. So what I did was begin to tell her the things I like sexually (which she still doesn't do after many talks). Yes, she thinks that she does not please me. I"m not sure how many other ways I can show her and tell her that she does. Very timid and self-conscious. Not very confident in this area at all, but I've done all I know to do to help her, but nothing happens. She just continues to ask me for patience, and more patience, and more patience. My patience is gone. She doesn't know that, because if she did, it would only make her worse. The only reason she is not pleasing is because she makes no effort, and that is where my problem is. I work too damn hard trying to love her and support her for me to get in return a cooked meal.

I'll try to listen more though.

hmm, I see. Maybe she is overwhelmed with all the sex and talks about it. maybe you just need to take a break for a little bit and allow her to come to you on her own. no pressure, no strings attached. maybe she feels like just a sexual object because all of this. You are right, definitely listen more to her to try and understand her deeper. I have faith in you

 

[blackribbon]

Please make sure you are acknowledging what she does do instead of (even subconsciously) wishing it was more. It is hard to let go of the idea that certain things are "bad" and that good Christians shouldn't enjoy them. So if she reaches out and touches you in a place she doesn't normally touch you...or wears something slightly more sexy than normal even if it seems benign in your mind, praise her and let her know how much that pleases you. She sounds like she does love you but she is still totally uncomfortable with sex even 13 years later. The crap they pour into young girls minds is hard to let go of. I regret the years that I wouldn't try things because I afraid of them and they seemed dirty instead of just realizing that he enjoyed them and what God made is good.

 

[Xavier Cane]

hmm, I see. Maybe she is overwhelmed with all the sex and talks about it. maybe you just need to take a break for a little bit and allow her to come to you on her own. no pressure, no strings attached. maybe she feels like just a sexual object because all of this. You are right, definitely listen more to her to try and understand her deeper. I have faith in you

Thanks for the faith. I have none. I told her that we should take a break and she said no. But I'm such a physical person it will be nearly impossible. All the short skirts and legs walking around half naked only makes it worse. I'm going to try something totally different for the next few weeks. I'm not even going to look at her sexually, I'm just going to....I dont have a damn clue LOL. But something has to give.

 

[Xavier Cane]

Please make sure you are acknowledging what she does do instead of (even subconsciously) wishing it was more. It is hard to let go of the idea that certain things are "bad" and that good Christians shouldn't enjoy them. So if she reaches out and touches you in a place she doesn't normally touch you...or wears something slightly more sexy than normal very benign in you mind, praise her and let her know how much that pleases you. She sounds like she does love you but she is still totally uncomfortable with sex even 13 years later. The crap they pour into young girls minds is hard to let go of. I regret the years that I wouldn't try things because I afraid of them and they seemed dirty instead of just realizing that he enjoyed them and what God made is good.

I compliment her daily almost. I praise her all the time and tell her how much I truly appreciate her and all that she does. And I do. I'm sure it makes her feel good, but it does nothing for me, besides knowing she is smiling and having a good day. But damn I want more. There has to be more to marriage. I want out.

 

[Senkaku]

Thanks for the faith. I have none. I told her that we should take a break and she said no. But I'm such a physical person it will be nearly impossible. All the short skirts and legs walking around half naked only makes it worse. I'm going to try something totally different for the next few weeks. I'm not even going to look at her sexually, I'm just going to....I dont have a damn clue LOL. But something has to give.

hmmm, doesn't want to take a break but is intimidated by you sexually? that sounds like some mixed messages, she's not that intimidated if she is still willing to engage. either that or she is doing it out of obligation or not wanting to hurt you by rejecting you considering your conversations, maybe she feels pressured. My concern is that she may be afraid to be open with you, which is not good for a number of reasons.

 

[Humble me Lord]

I know this is not what you want to hear, but if God is not front and center in your life, you are missing out on so much.
I was in the same situation, and very frustrated, ready to give up. God can and will change you if you let him.
I agree, church people turn me off too

 

[GandalfTheWise]

Thanks for the booklet lol. Seriously though, thanks. I wish I was as strong a man as you.

I appreciate that. Though, it never felt like I was strong to me. It more often felt like "dang, if I weren't such a wimp or had more self-control or loved my wife more, or whatever, this wouldn't bother me." I think the biggest thing is that we both came from families where marriage is 'til death and you just keep hanging in there for better or for worse to make it work.

 

[blackribbon]

I compliment her daily almost. I praise her all the time and tell her how much I truly appreciate her and all that she does. And I do. I'm sure it makes her feel good, but it does nothing for me, besides knowing she is smiling and having a good day. But damn I want more. There has to be more to marriage. I want out.

Almost daily? My husband wrapped his arms around me and told me he loved me daily.

However, I am talking about in the bedroom...when she does a very subtle initiation...like maybe touching you...or touching you, even briefly in an area that is slightly sexual. Or maybe wearing a slightly more revealing night gown even if you don't find it sexy. It is up to you to help her feel comfortable with her sexuality. She obviously didn't learn it elsewhere or with anyone else. It is time to go back to the basics. Maybe negotiate a no sex night where only touch is allowed. Let her find out how good it feels to be touched only and maybe this will allow her to start feeling comfortable with touching parts of your body that she wouldn't normally touch. Pay attention to her body language because I have parts of my body where touch is so intense it actually turns into pain and stops being anything enjoyable

 

[Xavier Cane]

I appreciate that. Though, it never felt like I was strong to me. It more often felt like "dang, if I weren't such a wimp or had more self-control or loved my wife more, or whatever, this wouldn't bother me." I think the biggest thing is that we both came from families where marriage is 'til death and you just keep hanging in there for better or for worse to make it work.

Thats how I feel alot. I wish I were stronger.

 

[Xavier Cane]

I know this is not what you want to hear, but if God is not front and center in your life, you are missing out on so much.
I was in the same situation, and very frustrated, ready to give up. God can and will change you if you let him.
I agree, church people turn me off too

I do try to make him the center of my life, which is a portion of why I'm so frustrated. If I had my way, I woud just up and go, but that not how I am lead. I try my best to live by Gods word, but I cant. I ask God to daily heal and restore me to a place I have never been. Thats another story though. I just cant deal with the imigainary fake faith. [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] does not work (excuse the profanity). If God is going to heal me he has to do it, and He does not need any of my help outside of my faith. I truly believe that He can, I just doubt that He will. Why? He hasn't done it yet, and Ive asked for years and years. But again, thats a separate topic lol