I have been psychologically abused my mother when I was child in fact I have not lived or heard her for 8 years. Since elementary school to now (last university year,I should finish this summer) I have been bullied.
After finishing school for one year I was unemployment and there was no way to find job. Recently at university I noticed more frequently than before than other bad talk about me (believing I can't hear them) saying that I am "mentally ill". I also realized that my friends actually just pretended to be friends so I feel lonely. This really hurts me but what hurts me the most is the fact that I can't find a job. Recently I asked for doing some volunteering for 3 organizations but they rejected me leaving me without answers (like for jobs). I always believed in G-d since my childhood, why is G-d pushing me to suicide? I know it is a sin but I am trapped in a situation where everyone bully me or reject not allowing me to work. What is the purpose? I am needless to the world but mostly for G-d. We must serve G-d, but if I try I get rejected.
It looks like his will is to make me suffer or make me commit suicide. If G-d has a joyful projects to me, why didn't he heal me 5 years ago when after attempting suicide but then I stopped trying it and be positive , rejecting any mental care for faith (I hoped in His healing).
After finishing school for one year I was unemployment and there was no way to find job. Recently at university I noticed more frequently than before than other bad talk about me (believing I can't hear them) saying that I am "mentally ill". I also realized that my friends actually just pretended to be friends so I feel lonely. This really hurts me but what hurts me the most is the fact that I can't find a job. Recently I asked for doing some volunteering for 3 organizations but they rejected me leaving me without answers (like for jobs). I always believed in G-d since my childhood, why is G-d pushing me to suicide? I know it is a sin but I am trapped in a situation where everyone bully me or reject not allowing me to work. What is the purpose? I am needless to the world but mostly for G-d. We must serve G-d, but if I try I get rejected.
It looks like his will is to make me suffer or make me commit suicide. If G-d has a joyful projects to me, why didn't he heal me 5 years ago when after attempting suicide but then I stopped trying it and be positive , rejecting any mental care for faith (I hoped in His healing).