Why do nice guys finish last?

[Saxman]

I don't understand it, I had yet another rejection last night from a girl who was an good acquantaince of mine. Her words "I like you a lot, but I would rather we stay friends". It seems like this is the 20th time this year I have heard something to this effect.

Being Valentines Day it was especially depressing to see lots of couples enjoying themselves, hence intensifying these feelings.

It seems that nowadays girls just don't seem to like gentlemen, and I see even Christian girls with rude arrogant jerks. I am polite, well-mannered, well-spoken, gentle, quiet, considerate and complimentary without being insincere, as well as being fairly good looking and intelligent. But despite knowing lots of girls not one of them seems to be attracted to me, and I have asked out a good proportion of them.

Being single does not bother me too much, but it would be nice to be able to take a date to formals like the ball I went too last night, and to have female company for theatre, jazz evenings and concerts that my male friends don't go for. Yet I am near to despairing. The chances of a girl being a) Single b) Attracted to me and c) Reasonably pretty and intelligent
seem to be extremely slim.

 

[Suzannah]

Take heart! Chin up! "Be British" ...Be you....she will come along...when you least expect it.

 

[Periann]

The same could be said for nice girls. It seems only the flashy bimbo type girls get bfs but I try not to let it bother me. I guess one day, there will be that special someone and then it will be obvious to both of you. Everything from now is a selection process. I think the best relationships develop out of friendships anyway.

 

[catch22]

Just realize that it doesn't matter what everyone else has, including a gf or bf. If you are indeed a gentleman as you claim, then take pride in that. Take comfort in the fact that you are a rare breed (you and I alike). You mention how it would be nice to find a girl to take to concerts and more culturul things...well why not go to these places and try to meet someone there if thats the kind of girl you're looking for? Just remember that if you aren't satisfied without a girlfriend, you still won't be satisfied with one. The only true satisfaction comes from a close and personal relationship with God. All other things are secondary.

 

[KeilCoppes]

It seems that nowadays girls just don't seem to like gentlemen, and I see even Christian girls with rude arrogant jerks. I am polite, well-mannered, well-spoken, gentle, quiet, considerate and complimentary without being insincere, as well as being fairly good looking and intelligent. But despite knowing lots of girls not one of them seems to be attracted to me, and I have asked out a good proportion of them.

... The chances of a girl being a) Single b) Attracted to me and c) Reasonably pretty and intelligent seem to be extremely slim.

It is the mode of today's world, and much of the church has adopted those values. Typically

Girls: look for power and assertiveness, and often for adventure and daring.
Guys: look for physical qualities and the possibility that girls will service their desires.​

These are extensions of basic human desires, but blown out of proportion. As dedicated Christians, we can't go to those extremes, but there are things that Christians can do along the natural lines. Christian men can be assertive in their Godliness and be leaders (the world will call it judgemental when you apply principles, and even much of the church) and still be considerate godly men (just not irresponsible or wusses). They can work on being more outgoing and less dependent and hit the gym to take care of their God-given bodies. And we need to pursue. Women can similarly work on the outside of themselves while developing the inside, and be in places in the church and open to be found. They also need to be getting help from their pastors, pastor's wives, friends and families to get the word out that they exist.

Don't despair - there's no problem that God won't solve or that we can't win through in Christ - the problem may not be the one we thought it was, though.

And you're not alone - If I find her, what blessing from God! She is indeed a rare creation!

-----------
Solomon in Proverbs: "A godly wife, who can find. Her worth is greater than rubies.",
Even then it wasn't: "A godly wife? Sure, I'll just go down to the supermarket and pick one out!"
- Nothing is new under the sun, but God is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

 

[Apollonian]

The fact is that girls like to be teased and given a hard time on occaision. If you are always 'nice' or 'polite' then there is nothing to differentiate you from the rest of the mundane world. But, if you tease them a bit and then turn on the chivalry when appropriate, you may see very different results. You don't have to be rude or crass, but you can't always play nice with girls thinking that they will like the support and appreciation. They will like it as friends and not anything more, every time.

As for the girl's perspective, I don't know about the rest of the guys but I am looking for an intellectual sparring partner. I want a girl who can talk on par with me once in a while about some important issues. I want her to have the capacity to understand me (a very complex person). Beyond that, if she is nice, awesome, if she is a bit of a handful, all the more challenge. I do have a soft spot for sentimental types - but if they are sentimental all the time then I can't relate with them well (though if they are never sentimental the same is true).

Nice guys and nice girls don't finish last; they never enter the race. Being 'nice' to someone is by its very nature the beginnings of friendship. If you want to date/court someone, you have to pursue them, which means dropping the sort of propriety that makes for a good friend and invading the other person's life while keeping them interested. ie - Don't go stalking people, but tease them enough that they are forced to open up where they wouldn't otherwise. Don't be mean or cruel but rather witty or clever.

This is my perspective anyway. It may not fit for everyone.

Godbless
-Apollonian
20/M INTj

 

[Bonhoffer]

Dont be down about it mate. Jesus never had a girlfriend

 

[shania]

It sounds like you are focusing on having a girlfriend, as not so much on meeting the right person. Let things happen naturally and don't worry about being single. Lots of people are single. It's better to be single and happy than attached, but to a person who's not exactly right for you. God will bring the right person along when you are ready. Remember to pray about it. In the meantime, enjoy the things you like doing and maybe you will meet someone who likes the same things. But don't have a girlfriend just because you don't want to be single.

 

[ukok]

Take heart! Chin up! "Be British" ...Be you....she will come along...when you least expect it.

I have to tell you Suzannah, there really aren't many of us Brit's that do that 'stiff upper lip thing' y'know...it's mostly the way we are portrayed by film and Royalty!

 

[Suzannah]

Oh, I was just being my silly self ukok...I'm Irish (Donegal) so I well know it is a silly stereotype...
Sorry if it offended. I just wanted to tell him to keep on being a gentleman..(Be British, gentlemen! the last words of the Capt. of Titanic.)
A gentleman never goes out of style...

 

[Living4Him03]

1. Get to know yourself before you develop a romantic relationship with someone else...how can you date someone else and get to know them for possible marriage at some point if you don't even know much about who you are??

2. Girls don't like "nice" guys because we like for a guy to be able to stick up for us! We want a MAN not a boy, we want someone who is not afraid to take risks or be a bit dangerous (in a good way), but that often comes in the form of some jerk (unfortuneately!!). Live with passion and live for Christ...then see how many girls are interested

Just my two cents

 

[Saxman]

Mmm. Apolloian you have a good point. All the guys who seem to do well with women seem to tease them, make fun of them, and don't seem to take them seriously at all. And what is worse girls seem to lap it up. I do tease girls in a gentle manner and can be quite witty at times, but never seems to get me anywhere.

As I said I get by quite fine without a girlfriend, but still cannot help sometimes feeling slightly jealous of my friends or lonely. I tend to go to a lot of jazz clubs and theatre and concerts alone, and feel a bit self-conscious about the fact. I sometimes meet people there, but they are usually in couples or groups and besides I am quite shy.

Thanks Suzannah. I do to some extent take a pride in being a gentleman. I like dressing well, I like opening doors for people, I like giving up my seat to old ladies in buses, I like helping girls with heavy shopping bags, I like giving my coat to girls in my company who are cold at night. I like tipping people when they give me good service, I like looking after girls in my company and making sure they get home safely. Perhaps someday I will meet a girl who appreciates all these things and likes me as a person. I would feel bad about changing myself just to get a girl.

Oh btw Periann. I and I am sure other guys too like nice, sweet girls who we could bring home to mama. I have had the misfortune to meet some of the "party girls" and have had my heart toyed with a few times, and I much prefer a nice girl who is caring, conservative, and cares about things other than her own pleasure and entertainment.

 

[Kirisutokyoo-shinja]

So it seems females don't like nice guys or shy guys.
I am a nice guy and that doesn't mean I am a push over
nor that I won't stand up for a girl. Nice assumption.

 

[KeilCoppes]

As for the girl's perspective, I don't know about the rest of the guys but I am looking for an intellectual sparring partner. I want a girl who can talk on par with me once in a while about some important issues. I want her to have the capacity to understand me (a very complex person). Beyond that, if she is nice, awesome, if she is a bit of a handful, all the more challenge. I do have a soft spot for sentimental types - but if they are sentimental all the time then I can't relate with them well (though if they are never sentimental the same is true).

I'm not quite at the hard sparring partner level, but definitely looking for a foil! That is characteristic of our type of person. I'd not go so far as to be a rogue, myself, but definitely a tease who has a constant twinkle in the eye, who loves poking fun at humorous things in life, but still come down to a warm consideration of life and the wonders it holds. All in the wrapper of a gentleman who enjoys it all.

Apollonian, I'll see that INTJ and raise it by an ENTP!

 

[Beanface]

So it seems females don't like nice guys or shy guys.
I am a nice guy and that doesn't mean I am a push over
nor that I won't stand up for a girl. Nice assumption.

I'm with ya man... quite similar to you, and I've had great success with girls.. had an amazing relationship that kinda died out on me when i met whom I think might be with me for a long time to come.. best thing is that she's christian There are some nice girls who you can bring home to mama, who appreciate us gentlemen. and I found one... sorry if it seems like I'm rubbing it in; i'm not trying to, just to let u guys know that there's still hope!

 

[the outlaw]

If girls really don't like nice, shy guys, then I may as well give up now...

 

[William Nunn]

No, don't give up yet. Here's how it usually works for us nice guys, in five easy steps, so I'm sure it will work for you too:

1. Find the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, and treat her like a queen.
2. Watch as she decides that you are only worthy of being her friend and not a romantic interest - and proceeds to devote herself to jerk who uses her and doesn't appreciate her.
3. Be her shoulder to cry on every time this jerk gets out of hand.
4. Wait until she FINALLY realizes that she needs a loving and caring man to be with, not a knucklehead.
5. Then continue to devote yourself to her and bear the responsibliity of cleaning up the emotional trainwreck that could've been avoided had she been smart enough to realize the guy was a jerk in the first place.

And then live happily ever after.

 

[catch22]

This isn't neccessarily for this thread alone, but for all threads of the ilk...there is no one answer. None of us has a greater wisdom about any of this and do you want to know why? It's because no two girls are the same. No two guys are the same. God will show you who's right for you, and in turn he will show them that you are right for them. It's not even something to stress over, because it's all.....and I mean EVERYTHING...is in God's hands.

 

[mina]

I think nice "people" have a harder time finding someone in general; guys and girls. I don't know why that happens, but I do know that God is in control and it's in His perfect timing that He will lead you to the one for you.

 

[Tenorvoice]

the reason that all of us Guys get hurt and end up finishing last is beacuse of our Huge Hearts they get us into soooooooooooooooo much trouble. most women look at us as being more of a big/little brother than anything else.


But if they do look at you in that way I have learned to use it in my favor untill God sends me a future wife in his way and timing. Since I have always have the younger generation look up to me as a brother I have started working in the youth groups and the Lord has Blessed me in soo many ways since then.

So keep you chin up and you can make it. If it is His will for you to find a mate then He will send you the one that He wants you to have. also do not forget that it is also a gift from God to be single read 1 Corinthians chapter 7. Paul talks about that it is good for a man not to marry.


just wait on His timing and it will all work out in the end.

peace be with you

Sinner by birth/ Saved by the grace of God