Why can't we just speak the same language? (minor rant)

[illudium_phosdex]

I mean men and women. Yesterday DH and I had a minor spat and it was totally over a lack of communication of both our parts. Here's the story: I wasn't feeling that great yesterday and had gotten behind on the dishes from the day before because of my son's birthday on Saturday. So I was telling DH how much I dreaded going in there and doing them and how I knew it was going to take way longer than normal because I would have 2 days worth to do. And that I still needed to get to the grocery store before dinner. He tells me, "Go ahead to the grocery store and don't worry about the dishes."

Here's my interpretation of that remark: "Go ahead to the grocery store and don't worry about the dishes because I'll have them done when you get back."

Here's what he meant: "Go ahead to the grocery store and don't worry about the dishes because they'll still be here when you get back plus some more."

Needless to say I was really upset when I got back and still had to fix dinner and do the dishes and I still didn't feel good. What had he done while I was gone? Played on the Wii and, here's the kicker, messed up more dishes making himself a snack. And he still doesn't get why I was upset. I'm mostly over it, not entirely, but mostly over it now. I know that next time he says something like that, I should say that unless he has any plans to do them, he should not be telling me to shirk my duties as it only makes things harder when it does come time to get things done. I wouldn't tell him not to worry about going to work now would I?

 

[Robinsegg]

This is a natural mix-up, and both of you reacted naturally! Don't feel like this is a major thing . . . and, yes, all of us have experienced this frustration time and time again

I've found it helpful in my own marriage to clearly express my desires to hubby (men just don't *get* the subtleties women use ). So, if he told me not to worry about the dishes while I went shopping, and I wanted him to do them while I was gone, I would say something like "would you mind getting them in the dishwasher" or "I'd really appreciate it if you put all the plates, bowls and cups into hot dishwater". That way, he *knows* what I want. If I do this and he *still* doesn't do it, *then* I have a legitimate complaint for him

Rachel

 

[Autumnleaf]

It sounded to me like he wanted you to get dinner ready, but you had to go to the store first so he told you to not worry about the dishes so you would go.

 

[godanswers]

Conclusion: My advice is to praise him for helping you whenever he does, show him respect by sitting with him while he does a task he enjoys, and communicate how you need him to help you in a way that appeals to his strengths.
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And now I have some processing of my own I need to do:
(Boy does this hit a homerun with me right now.)
I don't think dishes are a part of a man's DNA. It is something that is entirely foreign to them, like what the word "clean" really means. Unless you have someone with OCD or a man who's a major neat freak, they will need some consistent...help. Help knowing when and how to help us.

I have a man who's a very sensitive leader. He's sensitive in a positive and negative way. While he's a keen observer and in tune with my subtle communications he's also easily offended and has a delicate self-image. So any suggestion on how and when to help me comes across as an attack on his abilities. Most guys are sensitive to this, it's that ego thing, I think.

It's an unwritten rule that you don't criticize a man in the bedroom. They tend to be less confident than they appear. The best way IMO is to encourage things that work and be unresponsive to things that don't; build him up while offering new ideas in a way that would be attractive to him. Unfortunately house-cleaning isn't something a man is as interested in. But sex is. If only they would realize that we want to jump their bones MORE when they do the dishes...

I think a man does something with enthusiasm when he knows he does a good job at it. How many times do they "clean" the house only to have us do a sweep through right after or offer some suggestions? After a while a man gets the hint that he's not good at it. What man wants to do something he's not interested in becoming good at? After some practice on the Wii (or in my case the playstation/Xbox) a man can become very good at a game. He can stand a little taller after beating a level and frankly, he's more attractive when he stands taller.

This isn't even about dishes for me. It's about our one-year-old. I'm a stay-at-home mom and I know how I need things done during nap time. My man tried to help by laying down with her and he hindered my progress in getting her to sleep by herself. He thought he was helping when he actually messed things up more. How do I approach THAT?! So I said, "Could you not put her to sleep like that again," and explained why. He is so wonderfully sensitive to criticism that he said I called him an idiot. *SIGH* Talk about not speaking the same language.

We did the Love/Respect series and that helped A LOT because he talks about the different ways we hear and perceive eachother. It doesn't make it any less challenging to implement respect. Some men need more respect than others. What if he doesn't "deserve" my respect? Then I shouldn't have married him. By marrying him I promised to respect him and uphold his role as head of the household. Just as he must love me whether I deserve it or not, I must respect him whether he deserves it or not.

Now if only I could learn to be more respectful...
Enter the Holy Spirit.
Amen.

 

[BigNorsk]

I don't know why men and women speak different languages. Sometimes men can have a complete conversation and it consists of just a couple of grunts, a wave here or there and a couple of other gestures and women don't get it at all.

It would save a lot of time if women learned to grunt because one good grunt is worth a thousand words.

Marv

 

[ranyhyn]

I mean men and women. Yesterday DH and I had a minor spat and it was totally over a lack of communication of both our parts. Here's the story: I wasn't feeling that great yesterday and had gotten behind on the dishes from the day before because of my son's birthday on Saturday. So I was telling DH how much I dreaded going in there and doing them and how I knew it was going to take way longer than normal because I would have 2 days worth to do. And that I still needed to get to the grocery store before dinner. He tells me, "Go ahead to the grocery store and don't worry about the dishes."

Here's my interpretation of that remark: "Go ahead to the grocery store and don't worry about the dishes because I'll have them done when you get back."

Here's what he meant: "Go ahead to the grocery store and don't worry about the dishes because they'll still be here when you get back plus some more."

Needless to say I was really upset when I got back and still had to fix dinner and do the dishes and I still didn't feel good. What had he done while I was gone? Played on the Wii and, here's the kicker, messed up more dishes making himself a snack. And he still doesn't get why I was upset. I'm mostly over it, not entirely, but mostly over it now. I know that next time he says something like that, I should say that unless he has any plans to do them, he should not be telling me to shirk my duties as it only makes things harder when it does come time to get things done. I wouldn't tell him not to worry about going to work now would I?

I can't count how many times my wife has had the same expectation of me and says she became disappointed. The problem with us though is that I never told her not to worry and never gave any indication that I was or wasn't going to do anything. But as was said above...this is a normal miscommunication between men and women...

I don't know why men and women speak different languages. Sometimes men can have a complete conversation and it consists of just a couple of grunts, a wave here or there and a couple of other gestures and women don't get it at all.

It would save a lot of time if women learned to grunt because one good grunt is worth a thousand words.

Marv

LOL... no truer words have ever been spoken...

 

[Flibbertigibbet]

He tells me, "Go ahead to the grocery store and don't worry about the dishes."

Always clarify.

Response: "Thank you, honey. It's so nice of you to do the dishes - that way I can get the groceries and come home and start cooking right away."

Then if he freaks out on you, send him to the store with a list.

 

[illudium_phosdex]

I'm going to try to do a consolidated post here.

Robinsegg, you are right. I should have been more clear about my expectations. Usually I am. I will say, too, that 90% of the time, when I ask him to do something, he does it and does it in a timely manner. Every once in a while, I do wish he'd do something like that with out me having to tell him though. I just don't think it will ever happen and I guess I just have to accept it.

Autumnleaf, I think you may have hit the nail on the head there. The funny thing is, with two day worth of dishes piled up, I still had to get some done before I could even start dinner. Guess he didn't think about that *laugh*.

godanswers, I also agree with you about respect. Most of the time, I think I'm pretty much there but when I get upset, respect goes right out the window. That's what I need to work on. I need to count to 10 or something before I go off the handle and say something I'll regret later. And I did tell him the other night that I thought he was a jerk which was not nice or respectful at all.

BigNorsk, I've noticed that with my husband and his friends. It's actually amusing because I'm totally out in left field but they know exactly what the other is saying. It kind of works both ways though. Men need to learn what "thingies" and "whatchmadoodles" are. Here's a real conversation between DH, my best friend and me.
Me to best friend: Hand me that thingie over there.
BF then hands me a comb, the right one out of five sitting on the counter.
DH: How in the world did you know which thingie she was talking about?
BF: I don't know. I just knew.
DH would have grabbed every one but the right one.

ranyhyn, he didn't tell me specifically he'd do the dishes either. I just expected it based on him telling me not to worry about them. When I say not to worry about something to some one, I mean, don't worry about it not worry about it later. *sigh*

Flibbertigibbit, good idea!

 

[illudium_phosdex]

I'm going to try to do a consolidated post here. I tried to post it yesterday but with all the glitchiness, it wouldn't go through. So I saved it in my note pad because I was not about to type all that again. Anyway...

Robinsegg, you are right. I should have been more clear about my expectations. Usually I am. I will say, too, that 90% of the time, when I ask him to do something, he does it and does it in a timely manner. Every once in a while, I do wish he'd do something like that with out me having to tell him though. I just don't think it will ever happen and I guess I just have to accept it.

Autumnleaf, I think you may have hit the nail on the head there. The funny thing is, with two day worth of dishes piled up, I still had to get some done before I could even start dinner. Guess he didn't think about that *laugh*.

godanswers, I also agree with you about respect. Most of the time, I think I'm pretty much there but when I get upset, respect goes right out the window. That's what I need to work on. I need to count to 10 or something before I go off the handle and say something I'll regret later. And I did tell him the other night that I thought he was a jerk which was not nice or respectful at all.

BigNorsk, I've noticed that with my husband and his friends. It's actually amusing because I'm totally out in left field but they know exactly what the other is saying. It kind of works both ways though. Men need to learn what "thingies" and "whatchmadoodles" are. Here's a real conversation between DH, my best friend and me.
Me to best friend: Hand me that thingie over there.
BF then hands me a comb, the right one out of five sitting on the counter.
DH: How in the world did you know which thingie she was talking about?
BF: I don't know. I just knew.
DH would have grabbed every one but the right one.

ranyhyn, he didn't tell me specifically he'd do the dishes either. I just expected it based on him telling me not to worry about them. When I say not to worry about something to some one, I mean, don't worry about it not worry about it later. *sigh*

Flibbertigibbit, good idea!

 

[myanchor]

Get Breaking the communication code by Eggerichs. We speak blue, you speak pink.
Example One time my wife wanted us to go to a christmas concert.
I said; Okay but I will need some pants to wear.
She said: Okay, go ahead and buy some new ones.

I meant please wash my pants in the laundry room. Her pink hearing aid didn't pick up on what I meant, though it was plain as day to me.