Why can't everyone have a partner?

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Being divorced, I can say that sexual experience is overrated, especially as you get older and the equipment is not working the same way as when you were 16 years old and you need herbals/pills to help you get it up. In fact, I'm probably more "blue-booked" (this is a term I've made up myself which is an alternate for the word "enjoying celibate life") now than before I was married. I know what it's like to be in a marriage where you are not compatible, the intimacy is not great, you have to provide when you don't have a steady job, and you can't even enjoy a summer bike-riding properly because of a nagging wife, etc.... Maybe I just have some rotten luck, but the single-life compared to THAT marriage is better. It's only children that give marriages some redeeming purpose before the initial romance that put it together fizzles and you both get sick of each other.

I can relate to much of what you wrote. In my case, I grew up with an alcoholic mother from nearly birth. Home life was incredibly stressful. I think that experience affected my ability to bond emotionally. I married at age 30 and stayed married for 19 years but it was hell. I married a woman who hated sex, and quickly lost all interest in any degree of affection or friendship. I had remained a virgin until I married only to end up in a sexless marriage.

After 19 years, I divorced her. Not due to the lack of sex but I was crumbling under the stress and anxiety. I tried and tried to get her to agree to marriage counseling but she refused. My health was failing and I simply could not live with the stress anymore. I'm sure growing up with so much stress made me even more sensitive and less resilient. Since my divorce, 15 years ago, I have dabbled in dating but my heart has never been in it. I enjoy people, including women, but only in doses. The thought of living with someone in a marriage, where you are around each other much of the time, feels like too much. I am a classic introvert and I find interaction with people draining. I may enjoy it but then I need time alone to recharge. For me, that means the house all to myself for 24 hours or more. That would never work in a marriage. It's not about freedom or accountability. I believe in marriage. I just can't handle that level of intimacy and sharing. Thankfully, my libido has pretty much died over the years so it's not much of a struggle in that area. I would not say I was called to the single/celibate life (though only God knows) but rather I became single/celibate due to the circumstances of my life which mostly involved sin on other people's part.

I know some people who want to divide us all into two camps. Those called to marriage and those given the "gift of singleness." They then usually believe that unless you are one of the rare few who have that gift, God's will for you is to pursue marriage and family. If you choose to stay single then you are disobeying God and being sinfully selfish. If you have "the gift", then you are supposed to be devoting your life to the Lord perhaps in some faraway mission field or some all-consuming ministry. If you seem to have the gift, but lead an ordinary life, then you are viewed as someone called to marriage who disobeys.

The need for single missionaries has greatly declined due to modern transportation and fewer remote people groups. In most Christian churches (not talking Catholic here), it is unusual to find single pastors or elders. While that is mostly due to the fact that most people are called to marriage, there is also an undercurrent that says that single pastors can't relate to all their married church members. They don't know the struggles of marriage and family. There is also the concern that a single pastor dating could cause a scandal in the church. I think a lot of people just aren't comfortable with a single pastor at least past a certain age. Yet Paul was single and wrote about the advantages of being single. I suspect in some churches today Paul would be looked at askew with folks wondering why he wasn't married. Of course, Paul traveled a lot and was in constant danger, unlike most pastors or elders today. Still, we seem to put single adult Christians on a lower rung spiritually in the church.

While Biblically there are those two groups (called to marriage or having "the gift"), due to sin I think there are also some who don't really have the gift but circumstances have led to them being single and celibate. Some may not be happily celibate but don't want to marry strictly to "not burn." When Paul wrote it is better to marry than burn, I think he had in mind people cut out for marriage. There was also a trend in those days for couples to get bethrothed but not marry thinking it was somehow holier to keep the woman a virgin. I think Paul also had them in mind. I certainly don't advocate getting married exclusively to avoid sexual temptation. That would not be right by your spouse. They deserve a spouse who is fully committed to the marriage in all its facets. That is why I remain single. I don't feel I could be a good husband in all areas of the marriage. I don't believe I could offer a woman the emotional connection she deserves. Perhaps I will yet change but I have been this way for 62 years now so it's unlikely although God can do anything.

It is frustrating to want that intimacy (emotional and physical) yet just can't find it. We live in a fallen world and things don't always work out the way they should. I don't judge those who remain single and my heart goes out to those who want someone but haven't found them. My heart also goes out to those who are single and struggle with sexual temptation (as opposed to those who don't struggle at all and feel completely free to have all the unmarried sex they want because "it's too hard"). Thankfully, our God is gracious and forgiving. He knows our hearts and our struggles. He has forgiven our sins. We fight on in this fallen world in our fallen bodies. Some like to put themselves on a pedestal and point the finger at those who don't perfectly measure up to Scripture. I have some in my life. I think it best that we tend to our own gardens without rationalizing or ignoring Scripture. Being a Christian is a journey and we don't reach our destination until we go home to be with the Lord. Some people's journeys are tougher than others. Some have mountains to climb and plunge into valleys between them while others walk a more level path though in truth it is not easy for anyone if we are honest. I know I am not everything God would want me to be and I know He is not finished with me. Most importantly, I know I am His child and forgiven. He sees my heart and knows my struggle. That makes it all worthwhile.

 

[timewerx]

Because our world is modeled around injustice in all aspects of life.

Why a some have so much money while the rest have so little. Some have great opportunities, some have garbage, Some have multiple partners while some are chronically single.

Because our media enforces certain values and qualities that are only attractive and these qualities tend to be very difficult to achieve for the majority. Ironically, this perverted model makes money.

It only proves we live in an evil world (1 John 5:19) and the root of all evil is...as you have guessed correctly, is the love of money.

 

[christiansoccerplayer]

True, but try being a man in his 40s who can go years without so much as a single date or outing with a woman. Sure, you can count your blessing, but with that long of a dry spell, it seems like apples and oranges by that time.

I once went 8 years without any kind of female companionship.

I never had a girlfriend in high school or college. My first real date was with someone I met online in my late 20s.

I have LONG "gaps" in my "resume".

I have you beat as far as dating "resumes" go. No dates, relationships in HS or College. Went out on two dates when I was 31. None since then. no romantic relationships ever (i'm hetero)