Why bother?

[elysiumblood]

I feel really bad. It's not due to traditional, sad and hurt depression. It's the same low feeling. But I'm not sad.

It's just all gotten so numb.

I'm living on the kindness of my best friend. I know that and I hate it. I'm dragging him down. Without me he'd be so much better off. And I know he hates it when I take caffeine pills and gulp down energy drinks when he's barely gotten over his own caffeine addiction, and I do it anyway. I need caffeine, it's my only energy source. I'm dead and numb inside. There isn't any real feeling left except pain and if I can get enough caffeine going, I can make it through the day.

I don't have a purpose. I have one friend and no family. I used to keep living just because I had a friend who had just as bad of a caffeine problem as me. It was comforting. Now he's "found Christ" and not only has he given up caffeine, he's coming down on me for it.

I can't quit. He knows it, I know it, without caffeine I get so depressed that I cannot will myself to get out of bed in the morning. But now he's trying to take away the one thing holding me back from dark, delusion depression from which there is no escape. He keeps saying he's going to take away my pills.

 

[Everlasting33]

I feel like killing myself, but... It's not due to traditional, sad and hurt depression. It's the same low feeling. But I'm not sad.

It's just all gotten so numb.

I'm living on the kindness of my best friend. I know that and I hate it. I'm dragging him down. Without me he'd be so much better off. And I know he hates it when I take caffeine pills and gulp down energy drinks when he's barely gotten over his own caffeine addiction, and I do it anyway. I need caffeine, it's my only energy source. I'm dead and numb inside. There isn't any real feeling left except pain and if I can get enough caffeine going, I can make it through the day.

But why bother? I don't have a purpose. I have one friend and no family. If I did do away with myself, it'd be for the best. I'm just wasting a good person's money and space. I used to keep living just because I had a friend who had just as bad of a caffeine problem as me. It was comforting. Now he's "found Christ" and not only has he given up caffeine, he's coming down on me for it.

I can't quit. He knows it, I know it, without caffeine I get so depressed that I cannot will myself to get out of bed in the morning. But now he's trying to take away the one thing holding me back from dark, delusion depression from which there is no escape. He keeps saying he's going to take away my pills.

If he's going to throw me into the depths of depression, why not just kill myself and be done with it? I bet if I take all my caffeine pills and all the asprin in the cupboard at once, I can do it. Why bother to keep living, everything has gone numb...

Yes, the choice is yours. The choice to choose between happiness, joy, peace, love, fufillment, goodness, self-control, and hope is yours. The choice to hold onto the bitterness, pain, sorrow, hopelessness, helplessness, disappointment, discouragement, and suffering is yours.

No doubt, you are experiencing geniune pain and suffering at this moment. You may be suffering from a mental illness, or you may just be going through a situational stressor. Whatever the reason, you are in need of support, encouragement, hope, and love.

I would advise you to seek out professional help and talk to someone that you trust.

I hope the best for you!

 

[goldenviolet]

what country are you in? in the USA, you can go to county crisis centers and get medical attention free. and in most forgein countries you can also obtain free care. seeing a doctor is a good thing to do when you feel this way. pm staff if you need us to help you find resources in your area to manage through this. ~ love dee