The other day I was at my therapist's and we were discussing my tenedency to enjoy arguing. I realised that I argue not to make my point, but to have someone tear it apart for me. I don't trust my own judgement, I guess, and I want someone to either show me I am wrong or prove that I am right. Problem is no one will. After a certain point everyone wants to go the "agree to dissagree" route, which infuriates me. I wasn't looking to exchange ideas, I was looking for accuracy and integrity.
Why was it important? Well, I realised that I had nothing to live for. I live, don't get me wrong. I am not suicidal or anything...well, not very, at least. But at the same time life has become drudgery. I work, I eat, I exercise I sleep I relieve myself I buy things I raise a kid who will one day do the same things I am. And at the heart of it all is this idea that no matter what happens next the world will not care. The education system won't improve, the bombs won't stop falling, the children will starve. Even if I fiond some measure of happiness, it will be purely selfish, and I fear, shallow.
Worse, I honestly see almost every person I meet as inferior itnellectually - even the ones who are obviously smarter than me, because they like me do the stupid things that cover up our pointless existences. I want to fight with them and either make them feel as hopeless as I do or discover how they can move through life without feeling as hopeless as I do.
So, the questions are as follows, I guess:
Are you satisfied with your percieved future, and why, exactly?
Do you feel that as along as you are OK then the world will be OK?
How far are you willing to travel down the path of conflict to find your integrity?
Does integrity even matter to you? If not, what matters more?
Can you believe your own lies?
The therapist suggested we work on me first, then see about saving the universe, but I feel, very deeply, that this is a path to slothfull disintegrity. That if I somehow convince myself that I can find peace it will be at the expense of the reality I ache for.
Your thoughts?
Why was it important? Well, I realised that I had nothing to live for. I live, don't get me wrong. I am not suicidal or anything...well, not very, at least. But at the same time life has become drudgery. I work, I eat, I exercise I sleep I relieve myself I buy things I raise a kid who will one day do the same things I am. And at the heart of it all is this idea that no matter what happens next the world will not care. The education system won't improve, the bombs won't stop falling, the children will starve. Even if I fiond some measure of happiness, it will be purely selfish, and I fear, shallow.
Worse, I honestly see almost every person I meet as inferior itnellectually - even the ones who are obviously smarter than me, because they like me do the stupid things that cover up our pointless existences. I want to fight with them and either make them feel as hopeless as I do or discover how they can move through life without feeling as hopeless as I do.
So, the questions are as follows, I guess:
Are you satisfied with your percieved future, and why, exactly?
Do you feel that as along as you are OK then the world will be OK?
How far are you willing to travel down the path of conflict to find your integrity?
Does integrity even matter to you? If not, what matters more?
Can you believe your own lies?
The therapist suggested we work on me first, then see about saving the universe, but I feel, very deeply, that this is a path to slothfull disintegrity. That if I somehow convince myself that I can find peace it will be at the expense of the reality I ache for.
Your thoughts?
