Who Else is Gun Shy?

[McScribe]

Who else doesn't feel like they might give it a go again? Doubts their ability to have a good relationship? I'm not by the way doing this to whine about stuff--I realize that recovery is a process and that you live and learn and God helps and all that--what I mean is is anyone at the stage where they struggle with the idea that marriage CAN be good, finds themselves either thinking of happy marriages are rarities or else looks for the cracks in the wall?

By the way--I already know what some think about remarriage. Not interested in the theory that you can never remarry. Take it to theology.

 

[FaithPrevails]

I was gun shy. To the point that I was not dating - not even interested in dating - and was focusing on my relationship with Christ and keeping my priorities straight.

It was a God thing that DH and I crossed paths. I would have been content to still be single today had it not happened. I figured I was going to be single until my kids were grown and gone - if I even managed to be in a healthy relationship at that point.

So, I think it's good to kind of "give up" on the idea of dating/remarriage, because if God has something different in mind for us, He will make it happen.

 

[McScribe]

Well, thanks, Faith. I know your divorce was unpleasant and that you're happily married now. But I guess you didn't get there easily.

I was thinking that while some of my friends have urged me to date again, I don't really want to. I'd rather focus on going back to school and church. I feel humbled and blessed that my new church actually needs me, and by God's goodness alone I'm in a church that has a strong street ministry and community outreach that really cares about people. So I guess if I did meet someone and we seemed to grow closer together I'd pray about it and seek God's will about it.

I just wondered if it's abnormal to be distrustful of momentary feelings of attraction, like "nah, don't wanna go there."

 

[FaithPrevails]

My divorce was final for almost 3 full years before I met DH. Yes, my divorce was unpleasant, as was a lot of my interaction with my ex after the divorce.

Between that and a handful of dates that ended with the guy seeming to be after "one thing" (that he wasn't going to get from me), I decided to hang up the dating hat. I would still see guys that I thought were attractive, but all my brain seemed capable of was ticking off a list of the undesireable attributes of trying to get into a relationship again.

I even resisted DH when he approached me the night I met him. It was a little "voice" in the back of my head telling me to pay attention to him that convinced me otherwise and made me decide to prayerfully give him a chance.

I think your reaction is normal and your plan is a healthy way to deal with it. God will be hard at work in your life and if/when the time comes, He will show you that it's the right person for a relationship, IMO.

Hang in there.

 

[c1ners]

lol! I'm not even divorced and I'm gun shy. That's one big reason I won't make that final jump. I think I'd rather be with an abusive husband then spend the rest of my life alone.

 

[FaithPrevails]

There can be a lot of fear and doubt involved with leaving an abusive spouse. They spend years convincing you that you're worthless/stupid/helpless/incompetent/"insert belittling adjective here" so you finally get to the point that you believe it and question how you possibly could stand on your own two feet.

Well, they're all lies. It might not always be a walk in the park and some days you find yourself believing the lies all over again. But, as time passes and you don't fall flat on your face and you start to find yourself again...and remember that you LIKE you. Well, yeah...being alone is the better choice once you heal, IMO.

 

[McScribe]

I agree. Far far better. Praying for you, C1ners.

Did you also, Faith, find that thinking about romance or seeing it depicted or talked about sometimes made you want to withdraw or something?

 

[mjmcmillan]

I'm not even considering dating. I've been through two divorces, the last time was so memorably bad that any thought of doing that again--- never again!!!

Both times, the same wife. In between marriages there was a twenty-year gap and I tried dating then. I found a lot of hostility in Christian circles, seems if you're divorced you're something of a leper as far as trying to find a new mate is concerned. That soured me more than a little and has something to do with me not wanting to do it again.

So,marriage gets parked. I'm friendly enough and try to be a gentleman, but the idea of trying to be intimate leaves me cold these days.

 

[FaithPrevails]

I agree. Far far better. Praying for you, C1ners.

Did you also, Faith, find that thinking about romance or seeing it depicted or talked about sometimes made you want to withdraw or something?

Yes, I struggled with it quite a bit. I would torture myself with chick flicks - crying at all the sappy parts. I would withdraw and spend entire weekends without really interacting with other people. It was good in a way b/c I was able to reflect on things, but bad b/c I was isolating myself when I probably should have been reaching out (even just a little). I had to keep myself consciously aware of when I had been withdrawn for too long and force myself to socialize.

 

[McScribe]

Thanks for the encouragement folks. I guess I was feeling kind of abnormal.

 

[FaithPrevails]

That's why I refer to it as finding our "new kind of normal". I stole that phrase from a Women of Faith conference. But it sure does ring true, IMO.

 

[Rajni]

Who else doesn't feel like they might give it a go again? Doubts their ability to have a good relationship? I'm not by the way doing this to whine about stuff--I realize that recovery is a process and that you live and learn and God helps and all that--what I mean is is anyone at the stage where they struggle with the idea that marriage CAN be good, finds themselves either thinking of happy marriages are rarities or else looks for the cracks in the wall?

My hubby and I got separated this past October, and I'm currently of the mind that I'm not going to date or remarry again. And it's not like this marriage was dreadful, and even the separation is going smoothly (we're still very good friends and living under the same roof for now). But I figure I'm not going to find anyone else like him (he really is a great guy; we just grew apart and he was unhappy), and I hail from a gene-pool that generates happily-single women so romance and marriage are most definitely not necessary for me to be happy. Actually, it's kind of a shock I married at all (and for 21 years) in the first place, lol! My STBX is likely going to get married again as that's just his nature, but I'm trying to tell him (half-jokingly) to enjoy the freedom he'll have first before settling down again. I know I will be doing that! My idea of a hot date is a quiet evening with a good book and a glass of wine, forever and ever amen!

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