Which would be more difficult to hear...?

[DZoolander]

Gotta be honest - both are just bizarre to me. I can't imagine a scenario where "I just banged someone else" and "we're going to stay together" are part of the same stream of thought...so I really can't answer your question as to which I'd prefer.

I suppose if I HAD to answer it - I'd go for the first one - because the infidelity hasn't taken place yet. But, it would make me lose a lot of respect for the partner.

"If my needs go unmet, I'm going to go have an affair" suggests that they're gonna come back home afterward. No, you do that, and you're not coming back home. So might as well say "...I'm going to divorce", because that's what's going to happen.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

If it were a choice I'd rather hear the first one since the second means my spouse already cheated physically with someone. At least with the first option things can be saved and the hurt of cheating hasn't happened yet.

But obviously both are not good things to hear since both bring up big issues. The first one may be better to hear but its basically saying your to blame and need to change something that may not even need to be changed. Which would mean they would cheat anyways because they want a change to happen that isn't possible. Assuming you haven't done anything wrong.

I know most people don't want to think about such scenarios, but this is life. We will have times when we hear things we do not want to hear. Avoiding it is like avoiding breathing air or avoiding death. All we can do is hope and pray such this scenario never takes place. But we must do so without becoming to prideful about "That wouldn't happen to me!", because often those with that much pride get knocked down a few notches.

 

[DarthNeo]

I know both scenarios are extreme but, LIFE gets extreme sometime. Keep in mind, in the first scenario, and maybe I should have spelled this out, the spouse has had SEVERAL discussions over MANY years that their needs were not being met, realizing they needed to do their part as well...

 

[JRichard68]

In these "several" discussions over "many" years, what was the response? Was it what the spouse wanted to hear? Some compromise suggested that was unacceptable to the spouse giving the ultimatum? Was the spouse being in some way selfish in his/her request to have "needs met" (i.e. unreasonable in frequency)? Are there other unmet needs?
The scenario suggested that the affair being purely physical was not/may not have been an emotional need - unless this is a detail being left out. Either way, the other spouse is only responsible for their behavior and how they have treated the one giving the ultimatum. The person threatening an affair, or having had one, has that to deal with for themselves.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I know both scenarios are extreme but, LIFE gets extreme sometime. Keep in mind, in the first scenario, and maybe I should have spelled this out, the spouse has had SEVERAL discussions over MANY years that their needs were not being met, realizing they needed to do their part as well...

Life doesn't get extreme. People's responses to life get extreme. It doesn't make it right, or the best or most respectful way to handle an issue.

And many discussions over many years doesn't mean much. I've had many discussions with my husband over many years about going to Japan, but until both of us start saving money, it isn't going to happen. So telling your spouse "I need more sex" over the span of years doesn't really mean much without both context and an admission of what you are doing to contribute to where the relationship is currently. Because in both the outlined scenarios, what it looks like to me is a guy who wants to have an affair but make it his wife's fault. He just wants to know the best way to spring it on her so that he retains the moral high ground and makes his wife think it's her fault.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

There was a time when I told my husband he could either straighten up or get out. I was done with his addiction issues, and his temper issues. He chose to straighten up, but he knows that if he messes up again, I'm done with our marriage. Fortunately, in the years since the ultimatum, I have not had to remind him of anything...

 

[DarthNeo]

Life doesn't get extreme. People's responses to life get extreme. It doesn't make it right, or the best or most respectful way to handle an issue.

And many discussions over many years doesn't mean much. I've had many discussions with my husband over many years about going to Japan, but until both of us start saving money, it isn't going to happen. So telling your spouse "I need more sex" over the span of years doesn't really mean much without both context and an admission of what you are doing to contribute to where the relationship is currently. Because in both the outlined scenarios, what it looks like to me is a guy who wants to have an affair but make it his wife's fault. He just wants to know the best way to spring it on her so that he retains the moral high ground and makes his wife think it's her fault.

Well you could not be more WRONG on that one. I know for a fact that the guy only wants to have sex with his wife and would NEVER look beyond his wife were she meeting his needs, however, he is HUMAN - subject to the same temptations as David, Solomon, Samson, and other men...

 

[*LILAC]

Have you read the book His Needs Her Needs? Would she be open to sitting with you to read it together and to meet each others needs?

 

[JRichard68]

Well you could not be more WRONG on that one. I know for a fact that the guy only wants to have sex with his wife and would NEVER look beyond his wife were she meeting his needs, however, he is HUMAN - subject to the same temptations as David, Solomon, Samson, and other men...

Sorry, but marriage, and the marriage bed, don't come with qualifications such as "he would NEVER 'X' if 'Y', however 'XYZ'". Your friend and his wife have some things to work through, and a frank and open discussion is needed. You didn't clarify what "SEVERAL discussions over MANY years" means. That could just be the husband and wife talking 'at' one another, and nothing gets worked out. But his temptations are his to own, irrespective of what the wife is/is not doing.

 

[Edo2]

While temptation may not be easy to overcome or get through, its easier to deal with than the pain and hurt that will result from giving in to the temptation.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Well you could not be more WRONG on that one. I know for a fact that the guy only wants to have sex with his wife and would NEVER look beyond his wife were she meeting his needs, however, he is HUMAN - subject to the same temptations as David, Solomon, Samson, and other men...

The "however" is what kills you. There no are caveats to something like this. You either would NEVER look beyond your wife, or you wouldn't look beyond your wife unless she wasn't meeting your needs... At which case your looking would be her fault for not being sexually available, not your fault for giving in to temptation.

 

[~Anastasia~]

The "however" is what kills you. There no are caveats to something like this. You either would NEVER look beyond your wife, or you wouldn't look beyond your wife unless she wasn't meeting your needs... At which case your looking would be her fault for not being sexually available, not your fault for giving in to temptation.

I would add ...

What happens in the case of a spouse who is very ill, or injured, and so unable to perform? Whether the husband or the wife?

By that logic, the healthy partner should be guiltless in committing adultery, since the "fault" is entirely with the one who who is unavailable?


Paul does warn that we are not to withhold from our spouse, in order to prevent temptation. If we understand with our thoughts toward what is good for us, rather than focusing on a legal mindset, we should acknowledge that we ought not push our spouse into possible weakness to temptation. But at the same time, it is never good for us to blame others for our own sin or weakness - we cannot be healed of that which we won't submit to God.

 

[DarthNeo]

I would add ...

What happens in the case of a spouse who is very ill, or injured, and so unable to perform? Whether the husband or the wife?

By that logic, the healthy partner should be guiltless in committing adultery, since the "fault" is entirely with the one who who is unavailable?


Paul does warn that we are not to withhold from our spouse, in order to prevent temptation. If we understand with our thoughts toward what is good for us, rather than focusing on a legal mindset, we should acknowledge that we ought not push our spouse into possible weakness to temptation. But at the same time, it is never good for us to blame others for our own sin or weakness - we cannot be healed of that which we won't submit to God.

If someone is ILL that is VERY different from someone who is perfectly healthy but just not meeting the need...

 

[~Anastasia~]

If someone is ILL that is VERY different from someone who is perfectly healthy but just not meeting the need...

I agree, in that we understand (or should) that we are not to physically withhold ourselves from our spouses. Indeed, that does bring some culpability on the spouse that refuses, but my point was that the one seeking to have an extra-marital affair must acknowledge their own sin, rather than seeking to blame it on a spouse. Others may make our lives more difficult, but any time we give in to temptation, we do ourselves no spiritual good by attempting to shift the blame onto anyone else, in any circumstance. We MUST acknowledge our own sin in order to repent of it, seek forgiveness, and be healed. That was my point.

 

[OK Jeff]

Some years back my wife did sit me down and tell me she couldn't continue this way. She told me the only reason she was still with me was because God told her to wait. I felt like I'd been hit by a Mack truck. I knew I was a lousy husband. I had a drinking problem, was confrontational, unhappy, a genuinely unpleasant person.
She'd had a male friend during those years who wanted her to be with him. I'm 70% sure nothing ever happened between them. But I've never asked. Truth is I'd rather not know. Not out of jealousy I say this, but rather guilt. If anything did happen, it's because I pushed her to it. Contrary to what the women's lib feminists say, women don't generally have empty sex. They have affairs if they're lacking intimacy at home. And my wife certainly was at that time.

 

[DarthNeo]

Some years back my wife did sit me down and tell me she couldn't continue this way. She told me the only reason she was still with me was because God told her to wait. I felt like I'd been hit by a Mack truck. I knew I was a lousy husband. I had a drinking problem, was confrontational, unhappy, a genuinely unpleasant person.
She'd had a male friend during those years who wanted her to be with him. I'm 70% sure nothing ever happened between them. But I've never asked. Truth is I'd rather not know. Not out of jealousy I say this, but rather guilt. If anything did happen, it's because I pushed her to it. Contrary to what the women's lib feminists say, women don't generally have empty sex. They have affairs if they're lacking intimacy at home. And my wife certainly was at that time.

VERY brave response...thank you!

 

[akmom]

I'm late to this discussion. But is that really how affairs manifest? Someone feels unfulfilled by their spouse so they start seeking out an affair? I always figured that it was an external temptation that appeared unexpectedly, and the offending spouse was one who misjudged their self-control or resolve.

If someone is actively seeking an affair, then what can their spouse possibly do anyway?

I wonder if you might have intended this question instead:

Would you rather your spouse sit down and tell you of a budding attraction, before it manifests into an affair? Or would you rather your spouse sit down and tell you that they've been fighting a secret attraction and unfortunately lost the battle with temptation this time?

 

[Dave-W]

But is that really how affairs manifest? Someone feels unfulfilled by their spouse so they start seeking out an affair?

Many times it happens that way. If you read Harley's book "His Needs, Her Needs" you will find dozens of instances where that happened. (Pretty disgusting actually)

And there is scriptural evidence as well:

1 Corinthians 7.2 But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. 3 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.​

I always figured that it was an external temptation that appeared unexpectedly, and the offending spouse was one who misjudged their self-control or resolve.

That happens too. But the 2 can be related. Being unfulfilled can incite or exacerbate external temptation.

 

[OK Jeff]

People who're fulfilled don't look around, nor do they tend to fall into unexpected temptation. The best way for any husband or wife to avoid such a blow in life is to see to the needs of his/her spouse. Sexual needs or otherwise.