Which would be more difficult to hear...?

[DarthNeo]

Would you rather have your spouse sit you down and say, "Look, I love you, but if some things don't change soon, if my needs do not get met, I will be SERIOUSLY tempted to have an affair..."

OR

Be sat down and told, "Look, I am sorry, but I have had an affair, it was purely physical, non-emotional, just sex..."

I think sometimes we are so afraid to hurt our spouses feelings, rather than tell them JUST WHAT WE FEEL, we try to deal with it on our own until we finally make a bad decision...

Thoughts?

 

[Solomons Porch]

Except I would change this part, not saying I am thinking of having an affair, but thoughts

I will be SERIOUSLY tempted to have an affair..."

that I do not want to entertain or participate in, are kinda bothering me, and I don't want this to happen because I love you and want my needs met by you and not another.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Yes, I would prefer problems to be brought out before they become serious, but I don't like the way you worded it.

The closest I could think of coming to that wording (and this still isn't the best thing) would be to mention that it is having needs contained within a marriage that protect from an affair. The way you said it sounds almost like a threat.

Ideally, I wouldn't mention an affair at all. But it is valid to bring up - we have things that need to be addressed, we can improve on things, these are my needs, etc.

 

[DarthNeo]

Except I would change this part, not saying I am thinking of having an affair, but thoughts

that I do not want to entertain or participate in, are kinda bothering me, and I don't want this to happen because I love you and want my needs met by you and not another.

Good edit, yes, better said, you got the point

 

[Te're'sa]

While I wouldn't want to hear either one - although I'd need to hear them if they were true, of course - I think I would prefer your first scenario.

With the second one, the confession, potentially irreparable damage has already been done, and my imagination likens it to trying to find glass shards after an entire tray of glasses falls to the floor. You just know there'll be repercussions you didn't see the first time, and it's probably going to hurt later.

The first one is phrased rather... unfortunately. As written, it sounds like the spouse placing 100% of the blame on the listener for what they're about to do, and almost sounds like a threat (using a potential affair as leverage). Don't hide your feelings from your spouse to spare their feelings. But making your spouse feel like dirt most likely won't motivate them to help you remain faithful - it will just make them mad.

You're right that it'd be better to bring up your feelings to your spouse before you do something wrong. I agree that a spouse whose needs are going unmet should tell their spouse this is the case. And, I admit that the specific words you use shouldn't matter. But they do.

In my opinion, saying "I feel neglected by you, and I think I'm going to be tempted" or just using the words "help me" in your confrontation would be all the feeling-sparing you'd need to do.

 

[ByTheSpirit]

Any relationship that lacks open and honest communication will struggle mightily. No matter where we go or who we encounter we have to be willing to have difficult conversations. Especially with those we say we love. Just be sure your talk is seasoned with salt and do not let it get overly personal (as in do not get easily insulted or offended)

 

[Solomons Porch]

In my opinion, saying "I feel neglected by you, and I think I'm going to be tempted" or just using the words "help me" in your confrontation would be all the feeling-sparing you'd need to do.

Any relationship that lacks open and honest communication will struggle mightily.

I agree

 

[archer75]

Would you rather have your spouse sit you down and say, "Look, I love you, but if some things don't change soon, if my needs do not get met, I will be SERIOUSLY tempted to have an affair..."

OR

Be sat down and told, "Look, I am sorry, but I have had an affair, it was purely physical, non-emotional, just sex..."

I think sometimes we are so afraid to hurt our spouses feelings, rather than tell them JUST WHAT WE FEEL, we try to deal with it on our own until we finally make a bad decision...

Thoughts?

I'd rather hear the first. But then, I like to know what's going on and what I'm doing wrong. To some people, the first option (which suggests they might change their behavior) would be worse, I guess.

 

[danstribe]

First of all, it is a want, not a need. So basically the person is saying "if you don't give me what I want I will get it somewhere else". That's just sad.

 

[archer75]

First of all, it is a want, not a need. So basically the person is saying "if you don't give me what I want I will get it somewhere else". That's just sad.

Some people who are in this situation - in the "gee, I kind of need this" situation - are running themselves ragged meeting their partner's whims that the partner treats as needs. So it's not always insane to think "something that most of humanity is drawn to that is universally expected to be a part of marriage," which is a much bigger deal than whether a tiny fleck of dust was wiped off a table on schedule, might be reasonably treated as a need, particularly since the fulfillment of that need can result in a reciprocally fulfilling relationship for both partners that improves family life.

 

[DarthNeo]

First of all, it is a want, not a need. So basically the person is saying "if you don't give me what I want I will get it somewhere else". That's just sad.

Who are you trying to impress with THAT response?

 

[JRichard68]

Frankly, either way (in the first response - original and reworded) sounds quite like an ultimatum. I'm not sure, as a husband, how I would respond. The temptations really aren't mine to own. The behaviors that led to our situation - my contribution to not meeting the needs of my spouse - certainly need to be examined by me, but her thoughts and temptations are her own.

 

[*LILAC]

Well, both would be difficult to hear, understandably so but it's good to talk it out instead of acting it out and regretting it later which would be harder to take back.

 

[Dave-W]

if my needs do not get met, I will be SERIOUSLY tempted to have an affair..."

A former pastor once told us from the pulpit "Wanting to have your needs met is the epitome of godless humanism."

You can do ALL THINGS thru Christ who strengthens you - IF you rely on His strength. You can go years and decades without ever having those needs met. BTDT.

 

[Dave-W]

First of all, it is a want, not a need.

Actually, it is a need.
But the question comes then "Needed for what exactly?"

=======================

Edit to add:

Yes there is a need. It is a very powerful need: The need to obey God.

As has been stated, God COMMANDS us who are married to satisfy our spouses sexually. To not do so throws them under the bus of temptation. (see 1 Cor 7) How can we pray "Lead us not into temptation" and then lead our spouse into temptation?

 

[Dave-W]

Who are you trying to impress with THAT response?

It is the stuff they tell teenagers to keep them from having sex, thinking about sex, masturbating, etc.

And as I said in the last post - Needed for what?
their answer is usually survival: "You will not die if you don't get off."

But has God called us to do more than barely survive?

 

[Albion]

Frankly, I don't see that there's any 'saving grace' in either of those announcements--not as worded in the OP.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Within the Scriptures, we have reference to both.

Paul mentions refraining for a time, by mutual consent, to devote oneself to prayer. Disciplining the body, controlling the passions (theological term passions, not common usage) is beneficial. We take this as a given in spiritual life. It is a major reason for fasting of any kind.

Otoh, Paul also recognizes that too much deprivation in one who does not have the gift of celibacy can result in temptation.

The best understanding is the balance, neither putting our flesh in the primary place and demanding its satisfaction, nor ignoring it to the point that temptation becomes overwhelming due to our lack of wise consideration.

 

[Edo2]

If I had to choose probably the first one.

The more difficult discussion may happen after that has been said and what led to this to begin with. What was the root cause. Unless their is a physical reason why usually their is something more than lack of sex to it and it goes deeper. The problem just manifested itself in that manner.

Some times that can be the more difficult discussion to have but it will also be the discussion where the most growth and change can occur.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Would you rather have your spouse sit you down and say, "Look, I love you, but if some things don't change soon, if my needs do not get met, I will be SERIOUSLY tempted to have an affair..."

OR

Be sat down and told, "Look, I am sorry, but I have had an affair, it was purely physical, non-emotional, just sex..."

I think sometimes we are so afraid to hurt our spouses feelings, rather than tell them JUST WHAT WE FEEL, we try to deal with it on our own until we finally make a bad decision...

Thoughts?

I both would be equally awful to hear for entirely different reasons. One is my partner declaring what's wrong is 100% on me and if I don't fix it, they will make a choice they know is wrong, and it'll be my fault. The other is a declaration they already made the wrong decision and it's my fault.

Maybe it's me but I'd rather to have a partner sit down and discuss what's going on in the marriage without the passive aggressive threats and blame shifting.