When Your Child Dies

[LilyLamb]

For those of you who have "lost" a child (which you really haven't, but for lack of a better word) ...

What helped you deal with the death of your child?

My (second) daughter was almost four months old when she died.  She was born with a lot of internal problems (they called it goldenhar syndrome) and she had to be tube-fed from birth.  She spent her first month in the hospital - doctors said that her future would consist of a lot of corrective surgeries.

One day during a routine doctor's visit she suddenly turned blue and four days later she died of "congestive heart failure".

My faith in God and knowing that I would see my daughter again is what helped me the most to get through the grief and loss.

Having another daugther two years later also helped me to heal.

When people ask me how many children I have - I still include her in the count - but then I have to explain where the "missing" child is - which in a way gives me an opportunity to share my faith in God.

 

 

 

[ZiSunka]

My sister does the same thing. We talk about Natalie, her daughter who died in infancy, not pretending she didn't exist like some family's do.

This spring, she would have turned 20 years old, so I sent my sister 20 pink roses to mark the date. It cost a lot of money, but when I compared it to all the birthday and Christmas presents I would have bought for Natalie, it was really nothing. I would have rather bought all those presents for my dear niece all these years! But I could not let the day go by without acknowledging the baby niece I loved but never knew.

 

[LilyLamb]

Wow! What a wonderful testimony of your love for your sister and for your niece.

 

[VOW]

What's hard, really hard, are the remarks by well-meaning people. Death is very awkward in our culture, and people simply don't know how to react. Some just say things that pop into their heads; others shy away like you have cooties or something. And as painful as the blundered words are, at least those folks don't leave you feeling abandoned.

What you SHOULD SAY:
"I'm sorry."
"I'm REALLY sorry."
"Cherish your memories."
"What can I do to help?"
"Tell me about your baby."

What you should NOT say:
"It's God's will."
"You're young, you'll have more children."
"Get pregnant right away to replace that baby."
"Don't grieve."
"I know how you feel."

Sometimes, you don't even have to say a word. Just a touch, a smile, a hug, someone to listen, means more than anything else.



Peace be with you,
~VOW

 

[Dewjunkie]

So far, faith is the main thing getting me through. I couldn't possibly make it without God. Knowing that I will get to play with my daughter for eternity when I die keeps me strong in my faith. Knowing that she didn't suffer in her death helps a little. My younger daughter helps a lot. She has been so wonderful through all of this. My wife and her struggle with paralysis keeps me busy enough that I don't have a lot of time to dwell on the sadness. Family, friends, and church family who know I want everyone to remember my daughter with a smile instead of tears helps.

I will always have 2 daughters. I too will use questions about Caira to address my faith and the power of God to get people through anything.

 

[ZiSunka]

I admire your faith dewjunkie, and I really love you as a brother in the faith.

 

[KeepTheFaith15]

one friend told me he admired me for being so strong...when in all truthfullness i could not handle something like this. you are strong dewjunkie and you have deep faith...my heart goes out to you. god bless.

 

[Million Pieces]

My sister-in-law lost a child in miscarriage, her third, but unfortunately did not have another after. I believe she doesn't "count" her baby in her count of the family. She knows the baby is waiting for her, but I think that's all.

I have a nother girlfriend who had a still-born daughter who would have been 4 next month. They named her Abigail, they took pictures of her, they buried her at home. Her baby pictures are still on the wall with her other daughters. I was actually with her in one instance when someone asked how many children she had. She said she has 4, and that included Abbie. I took her lead, and we began talking very happily how they are ALL girls , how old they were and stuff. When she answered how old, she went down the line. "Lydia is 10, Katee is 6, Abbie would be 3, and EmmaLea is 4 months." Just as smooth as you please. The woman we were talking to didn't even stop to ask about the one in the middle, because it was presented as just a fact, not a plea for sympathy.

I miscarried a baby at 12 weeks, but it seems different for me in that it was a result of a blighted ovum. The cells after conception didn't get past the first stages. There is a point a few days after conception at which the cells begin to differentiate into their functions. This one didn't do that. They arrested development even before implantation. So to me, it wasn't precisely a baby that died, but a pregnancy that didn't have a chance to begin properly. Oh, I still grieved to be sure, but a big part of me doesn't believe that there is a Baby waiting for me in Heaven.

 

[E-beth]

I have a question for you guys...

I have only had one miscarriage, and that happened before I even knew I was pregnant, so I hadn't bonded and dreamed and gotten excited yet. I was just very very disappointed.

Now that I have a beautiful four and a half month old, I think about the what-ifs every so often. I took an infant CPR class this week and couldn't sleep the night afterward for thinking about wakibng up to find a blue baby in the crib. So I was thinking about how I would react if somehow God did decide to take Matthew home.

I know that my child is not really mine and that I am keeping him for his Father and training him to be His servant, but I honestly think that if God took him, I would be FURIOUS! And my faith would be severely shaken. My question is, when you that lost loved little ones first felt the blow, did your faith in God waver and how did you strengthen it?

 

[VOW]

Oh, E-beth!

I often wondered when my babies were little what it would be like to lose them. I think every parent has those fears. We run in and wait to see the little body breathe, or hold a finger in front of the face to feel the breath. My son was early and rushed out of the delivery room. Oh, how I cried! I remember even after we brought him home, I'd hold him while I fed him and I soaked his little head with my tears, begging him to stay with us! He stayed yellow for months, and I was terrified at all the horrible things that could possibly be wrong. That finally went away, and then he was hospitalized for suspected meningitis. My poor baby! He's 17 now, and bigger than I am, LOL.

But in those moments, I wondered. And I would have had such anger towards God, for allowing me to hope and dream and love a baby that He sure seemed to want to take back from us.

I don't think God would hold anything against a grieving parent. His Son died too, you remember. I'm sure He understands.



Peace be with you,
~VOW

 

[Dewjunkie]

E-beth,

I work in a profession where all too often we deal with tragic child fatalities (drowning, carbon monoxide, vehicle accidents, so on). Although I am prepared for it on the job, I was never prepared for it to happen to me. I always dealt with child fatalities by saying "I can't imagine", then going home and playing with my daughters.

I was right, I couldn't imagine. I was in shock for days, compounded by the fact that my wife also almost died that night. For the first few days I couldn't comprehend what I was going to do without my "Monkey". She had completely changed my life, now she was gone. But, I don't remember one moment of anger towards God. Confusion, yes. But not anger. I know that God did not cause the accident. I know that God does not cause suffering. I know he allows it and gets us through it.

So, instead of being mad at him and pulling away, I turned to him. I asked him to get me through what I couldn't possibly get through on my own. Being mad wasn't even an option for me, I need him to much.

No amount of thinking about it, no amount of dealing with it will ever prepare you for the loss of a child. Even with all of the child deaths I had dealt with, I had never thought about my daughters dying. And you know what? I'm glad I didn't. It wouldn't have made the situation any better, and it may have made me miss out on some fun with Caira because I was too scared to let her try things, for fear of her dying.

I still have my younger daughter, Chloe. She is amazing. Even with all that has happened, I never think about her dying. It would only cause me undue stress. Instead, I cherish every second with her.

God gave me three beautiful years with Caira. I cherish those memories. I regret nothing. I am angry towards no one. I miss her like crazy. I cry because I don't get to hear her voice or see her glowing smile. I cry because of all the things I never got to do with her.

But I also rejoice, because I know one day, I'll get her back.

E-beth, love your son, and cherish every day you have. You can't stop tomorrow, but you can enjoy today.

 

[E-beth]

Dewjunkie, I praise God for putting people like you on His planet!!! With all the terrible things that have happened, you stay strong in the Lord. Your tragedy will help many many people in the future.

I have a bad worry wart complex, I know, and I try not to let it make me silly.

I really really feel horrible for people who lose children to violence. Hearing about kidnapped and killed children makes me hug Matt all the tighter. I definitely could not survive that without the Lord's help.

 

[KeepTheFaith15]

it makes me wonder why people have abortions. it's just not right.

 

[Jenna]

What helped you deal with the death of your child?

In all honesty, I think that there were only a couple of things that kept me from losing myself in the process. First, I had (have) complete faith that my son was (is) with God, and that he was (is) marvelously happy. Second, I clung to the belief that God would never give me more than I could handle. Still though, all of the reassuring and comforting thoughts took a while to work themselves into my heart. For a long time I just turned numb, out of shock, out of fear, and out of a sense that I had to be strong for my family. My mother is a VERY emotional person and was already falling apart, so for a long time I stayed abnormally calm and shut out everything in an attempt to keep from causing her more pain. Thankfully, God knew how much of me it was destroying to keep everything inside, and he sent me a very kind doctor who visited me early one morning. All it took was him covering me with a blanket and asking me how I was doing, while sitting on the side of my bed, and I fell apart. I don't think I have ever sobbed so hard in my life.

Since then, I have learned that giving voice to all of the hurts is what helps me to deal, now as much as it did then. I talk to people about what happened and how much I loved him. I talk to those who have lost their babies in the same fashion, and I help them to know that they aren't alone. I pray to God and ask him to be with me and to share things with my baby, if he can't already hear me.I go to the cemetary and care for his grave, taking the time to do the job well, relishing the only chance I have to physically show the love that is stuck in my heart, that floods every so often with fresh tears. Most of all though, I just love my little girl. Every time I think of the missed chances I had with Trystin, I look at Anna's face and remember that I still have a chance to be the best that I can and to shower her with all of this love in my heart.

I'm sorry if I'm sounding a little melodramatic today. You know, it doesn't matter how long it has been, when you lose a little one. My son died in 2000, and for some reason, last week it all just washed over me again. Healing is a continual process, something that I don't think is ever truly finished when it is a little one who is gone, who didn't get the chance to experience a full life. I know that there is no helping what happened, and I would never blame God. There are times though when I just lay in bed and cry over all of the things that we never got to do together, and I wonder if it isn't God's way of keeping my heart soft. So, I pray, and I pray some more, and each time that I contemplate all that has happen, I just give thanks to God for pulling me through this rough time.

 

[Reformationist]

Geesh!!

/me is having a severely hard time keeping up the proper levels of machoism.

I thank you all for sharing your wonderful faith with us.  I am not trying to be morbid but since my new baby has been born I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night crying because I dreamt that he died.  I don't know how I would go on.  One time I had taken my family to a family fun center and my son was in a baby carrier and I thought he was strapped in and I lifted it up on my shoulder because that's how I carried it but he wasn't strapped in and he fell out.  Fortunately, he hit my leg on the way down and it mostly broke his fall.  After I got him calmed down all I could do was sit down on the bench by the miniature golf course and cry for about 20 minutes.  I pass that place everyday on the way home and I still get a sick feeling in my stomach whenever I see that place.  God is truly awesome for giving you all the grace to get through that terrible situation.

God bless

 

[daughter of the king]

my bests friends mum had a still born baby. it makes me cry just thinking about her sje would have been 5 this month the same age as my little sister anna. they named her Elisabeth partly after me. the baby staved to death in the mothers womb if the midwife had listened to aunty shelley(the mother) the baby probaby would still be alive. she had been telling the midwife that the baby was barely moving but the midwife pretty much ingnored her. to cut a long story sshour when finaly tested the baby was dead. if the baby had been born prem it would have been fine. aunty shelly took the baby home and we went and visted her i held her she was so beautiful and so perfect. they still talk about her and they took lots of photos. she got preagnate aggain but this time they did heaps of check ups. the same thing started to happen and they induesed the beby really prem, he was in the I.C.U for ages but now he is a happy 3 year old.

 

[VOW]

To Daughter:

I admire your aunt and her family for bringing the stillborn infant home, to make her a part of the household and allowing everyone to see and hold the baby. I'm sure that provided a lot of closure for everyone. You all will remember her, too, and honor her memory.

It's better not to place blame for something like that. We never know what God's purpose is when a child dies. Sometimes we never DO find out, but it remains one of the mysteries of God.


Peace,
~VOW

 

[daughter of the king]

yeah i know i shouldn't blame any one but i seems like she could have been saved. but she is in heaven with her daddy jesus and that is gods plan for her i guess. i will see her there. and my sister shalom(the baby mum miscarried) we don't know wheather she was a girl or a boy but i don't know why if is is a boy i will eat my hat

 

[MommyG3]

I almost experienced the great loss of a child last year around Thanksgiving. Joey was 8 weeks old and got hooping cough. One of the doctors sent her to LeBonheur and she is still with us. We look at her everyday and thank God He gave us longer time with her.

My sister had two miscarriages. She doesn't talk about them much, but I do still refer to them once in a while. My mother had a miscarriage between my sister and I. She only mentioned the baby once. I guess they have dealt with their loss their own way. When my sister had each miscarriage, we grieved for a few days.

 

[fairyshyone]

As someone who has been through 3 misscarriages and 1 stillborn. I am here to tell you that having someone that is willing to talk about this child or children with you is a wonderful gift. When I lost my son after having a full term delievery no one wanted to talk with me about it. It was so hard for me when I wanted to tell people how much I loved that boy. I wanted poeple to let me talk about him, how it was carrying him, and how he looked when he was born. I held him at my mothers insistance(Thanks MOM) and he was perfect, 10 fingers and toes and beautiful red hair. I think about this child alot and often see him in my families other children. The greatest gift given to me by far was when my nephew was born not only was I there and cut the cord, His mother gave him my sons name as a middle name. Even though I have my own DD now I have a special place for my son.
I still am a very protective mother of my DD but as she grows older I seem to let go of the worry. I feel for any mother and father that has ever lost a child.